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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to send one child on holiday?

84 replies

PumpkinP · 24/10/2019 14:31

I am a single mum to 4, ex is absent and doesn’t pay any maintenance and I’m at home as a carer as 2 of my children have disabilities.
(Just giving back ground as to why we’ve never been on holiday)

A family member has offered to take one away on holiday. But Aibu to not feel comfortable allowing one to have a holiday and the others miss out? I would be paying not the family member. They are just saying they are going on a holiday so if I want to pay for one to come they are happy to take them. Aibu to say no? It’s the thought of one getting a holiday and others not and probably not getting one until they are adults, and then deciding which one gets to go. Or am I being silly and if they all can’t go then I should let one atleast have the opportunity?

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 24/10/2019 16:08

You can’t send the 8yo and not the 7yo!
Not unless there was a bloody reason.
You’ve already said there would be resentment.
Say no.
How much money was it?
You can get really good last minute deals and sibling discounts with PGL. If the youngest 2 are much younger, I’d use the money to send the 8 and 7yo to PGL together.

imip · 24/10/2019 16:12

I have 4dc, two with disabilities and I would not do this, especially if they are all aware that one is getting a holiday. Sometimes people try to be well-meaning (I assume) and take one of my easier dc, when their kids may be the age of my disabled dc. I just couldn’t hurt my disabled dc like that.

Widowodiw · 24/10/2019 16:13

In my house if one gets something the others do to . My husbands brother went away with their father when they were young. My husband never went away with his father. He always remembered and referred to his brother as the golden child.

katalex · 24/10/2019 16:14

I wouldn't do it unless you could guarantee that they would all get the same opportunity in the future. My older sister went on holiday abroad with my dad one year. I was told that she was picked because she was the oldest and I could go next time. There was no next time. I felt it was very unfair.

magicautumnalhues · 24/10/2019 16:15

I'd hesitate to say it wasn't much of an offer because not many people would even want to take someone else's 8 year old on holiday with them. Ok it's not a toddler but it's still extra work.

LucileDuplessis · 24/10/2019 16:17

Is it likely the offer will be made again in future? So they could take it in turns and eventually each get a holiday?

Derbee · 24/10/2019 16:20

It would depend on ages and disabilities for me. If for example, one of the older ones does a lot of caring for the younger ones/the ones with disabilities, I would treat it as a nice break for them and let them go. If it’s the 2 youngest with disabilities, and you’d have to choose between the 7 and 8 year old to go, I wouldn’t send either. I think context is very relevant here

Theresnobslikeshowbs · 24/10/2019 16:30

Is your eldest a carer to the youngest? If so a break would be ideal for them.

Original poster
PumpkinP · 24/10/2019 16:39

The oldest 2 have the disabilities

OP posts:
Original poster
PumpkinP · 24/10/2019 16:40

I don’t really know what ex is doing cms have said there is nothing they can/will do. And said he could be living off a partner.

OP posts:
magicautumnalhues · 24/10/2019 16:42

yes it's still possible to escape if you move in with someone but don't get your name on any bills etc at that address. My friend's ex did that for years without getting caught.

MyOtherProfile · 24/10/2019 16:43

How severe are their disabilities? Would it pact on whether they could cope with the holiday?

SpookilyBadOooooooh · 24/10/2019 16:49

Could you go with them and take all the children?

Deisnds who it is asking really

AryaStarkWolf · 24/10/2019 16:52

Could you go with them and take all the children?

Clearly she can't afford to do that

Thehouseintheforest · 24/10/2019 16:56

Does the relative have a child of similar age ?
I would definitely do this - if for example relative had a similar aged child.
Also with those that say 'fair' doesn't mean the same. That's completely unrealistic. As they get older they will have different interests and different opportunities.
Eg . One becomes good at a sport and gets taken on a 'tour' (my Dd went to Span last year in this way)... would you refuse this because the others weren't included even if they don't play netball?

AryaStarkWolf · 24/10/2019 17:12

@Thehouseintheforest I don't think your examples are comparable to this situation though, the relative is asking her to pick one of her children, any one of them, to get a holiday for no reason other than to have a holiday. It's different if it for a school or sporting even they're involved in

SpookilyBadOooooooh · 24/10/2019 17:15

Could you go with them and take all the children?

...

Clearly she can't afford to do that

We don’t know that because all we know is that it’s in the uk. If they’re rented a house there might not be any more needing to be paid fir accommodation and they might have a big enough vehicle to take everyone so no transport costs. The person offering might just not feel able or willing to look after more than one of them, but it might be ok if the OP goes too.

AryaStarkWolf · 24/10/2019 17:24

We don’t know that because all we know is that it’s in the uk.

Where does she say it's in the UK? I thought the OP said that her family wouldn't come on holiday with her in the UK because they only consider trips abroad to be holidays?

PotteringAlong · 24/10/2019 17:27

So she’s offering you respite? If you’re close enough that’s she’s offered to take your child away why don’t you just talk through the dilemma with her?

SpookilyBadOooooooh · 24/10/2019 18:17

@AryaStarkWolf. True. I misread something she said, but even so...we know very little about the arrangements, so it might be possible, or it might not, but it was just a suggestion.

Original poster
PumpkinP · 24/10/2019 22:07

No she wants to take them to the Caribbean so it would still be a lot of money, she’s not offering respite she is just offering to take one because she’s going she never has them in this country.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 24/10/2019 23:29

The Caribbean? I don't think I'd be happy for my 8yo daughter to go away that far without me. She's too young. Suppose she gets I'll or has nightmares?

Serenschintte · 24/10/2019 23:36

I wouldn’t ask the kids which ones wanted to go. But if you think the 8 year old would enjoy it and you can afford them then why not?
Another way to look at it is: fun for the child who goes and a new experience. More concentrated attention from you for the kids who do not go. So all children benefit.
As for the future no one know what is coming so the prediction of no more holidays until adulthood may not be correct.
Imo opinion favoritism is repeated behavior towards 1 child at the expense of the others. Not a one off experience.
Also the others are so young they are unlikely to remember into adulthood that 1 sibling went on holiday and they did not.

Floralnomad · 25/10/2019 00:05

For what it would cost to send one with the relative you could do a cheap break for all of you in this country - do the papers still do the collect coupons breaks . A holiday doesn’t need to be abroad , does your eldest even have a passport if not that’s more expense .

Original poster
PumpkinP · 25/10/2019 00:36

I wouldn’t have anyone who would want to holiday in this country. The people I know don’t have young kids so wouldn’t want to come along so would mean taking 4 on my own which I’m just not able to as it’s a struggle even going to my local town centre! Forgot to answer pps question but no the relative doesn’t have children the same age, she has a 16 years old son.

OP posts:
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