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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to send one child on holiday?

84 replies

PumpkinP · 24/10/2019 14:31

I am a single mum to 4, ex is absent and doesn’t pay any maintenance and I’m at home as a carer as 2 of my children have disabilities.
(Just giving back ground as to why we’ve never been on holiday)

A family member has offered to take one away on holiday. But Aibu to not feel comfortable allowing one to have a holiday and the others miss out? I would be paying not the family member. They are just saying they are going on a holiday so if I want to pay for one to come they are happy to take them. Aibu to say no? It’s the thought of one getting a holiday and others not and probably not getting one until they are adults, and then deciding which one gets to go. Or am I being silly and if they all can’t go then I should let one atleast have the opportunity?

OP posts:
InTropicalTrumpsLand · 24/10/2019 14:59

If it's the sort of holiday your oldest wouldn't be able to have due to the younger ones' disabilities, I would consider it.

Floralnomad · 24/10/2019 14:59

What does your ex live on then ? Aside from that no you can’t just send one on holiday .

Original poster
PumpkinP · 24/10/2019 15:01

I don’t think she should take 4 and have never said that, if I thought that I would take them myself Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
PumpkinP · 24/10/2019 15:03

I don’t know anything about My ex I haven’t seen him in years all I know is cm say he isn’t working or claiming benefits so it’s nil assessment

OP posts:
theendoftheendoftheend · 24/10/2019 15:11

My 2 eldest are very close in age, I would find it trickier to send one of them then both, but I also always make an effort to ensure they don't miss out simply through having siblings as that was my choice not theirs.
Is there one that you think could particularly benefit from going? It doesn't have to be the eldest. I think I would send one tbh but I can see why you are deliberating.

mindutopia · 24/10/2019 15:17

Well, I think it depends on the relationship and the context. Mine have a bit wider age gap than yours, but I have routinely taken one on holiday and not the other. It's a hell of a lot of work to manage multiple children on holiday, and sometimes one location/intended activities are more appropriate for a child with particular interests/a certain age/etc. I took my older dc away for a 4 day holiday over the summer (younger one left home with dh). I have taken younger one away alone as well, but he's still too little to care really. I'm taking older one away again over Christmas with my parents. I don't think it's necessarily an issue as long as the other gets something special eventually - maybe a trip with you closer to home, if you can manage it with 3 of them, or perhaps family member could take the younger one at some point in the future. I think it very much depends on the child, their personality and what other options there might be for special things for them to do.

LoveGrowsWhere · 24/10/2019 15:18

I'm going to assume you don't have lots of spare cash. I would not send one child in this case but I would on a school trip. Then it's not choosing which one goes but sort of part of the cycle of school. Would they have a better time in say yr5 on an outward bound trip with friends or on this holiday with this family member?

5zeds · 24/10/2019 15:19

No. Save the money and next year have enough for two and the year after three. It will soon add up.

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/10/2019 15:20

If you're paying just save for longer.

And look at grants for children with disabilities to go on holiday.

5zeds · 24/10/2019 15:22

What sort of holiday would you take them on if you could? Is it cash or disability that is the major hurdle?

VividImagination · 24/10/2019 15:22

It’s a difficult one but I think I would send the eldest and next year, when the 7 year old is 8 it’s their turn for a special treat, whatever is manageable at the time.

Look into possibilities through young carers, social fund etc and see if you can’t get a holiday for you all.

cactusthief · 24/10/2019 15:25

They would all want to go except the youngest so asking them would be tough

Well then no, that's not ok.

Original poster
PumpkinP · 24/10/2019 15:26

I know that they give grants for uk holidays but being honest no
One would want to come with me to any of them as their idea of a holiday is abroad so it would mean going alone which I wouldn’t manage with 4. It’s definitely finances that are the issue. I just don’t want to send one away and say sorry the rest of you can’t go. I know there would be resentment.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 24/10/2019 15:28

Tbh, id let them if that is the only chance they might get.
Ask your family member if theyd consider taking the 7 year old next year if it worked out well.
They might whinge, but if you cant take them, then it is a bit mean if that means none can go

Expressedways · 24/10/2019 15:34

Would the relative be willing to take the eldest 2 together? Would the offer still be on the table for next year if you needed time to save for 2? Or if the 8YO went this year, could the 7YO definitely go next year? Both of those I think would be fine. If not then I’d say no as it’s not fair.

We have taken our nephew on holiday, his sister is 2 years younger and we’ll take her next year if she’s interested. There is no resentment!

Aridane · 24/10/2019 15:34

Why don’t you ask the dcs? The dcs who stay behind get a larger amount of your attention which they might prefer.

It sounds like the offer was made to lighten your load a little. It needn’t necessarily be unfair.

This

PotteringAlong · 24/10/2019 15:37

I would. As another poster said, fair is not the same as equal.

magicautumnalhues · 24/10/2019 15:40

I take my older one away on her own as the younger one doesn't travel at all well. 8 years is an eye opening age - I'd be inclined to ask them if they'd consider taking the others that wanted to go when they get to 8 and then it's fair enough.

But if they are only offering one child the chance as a one off, I'd think twice if there is no prospect you can give the others the same in time.

Tvstar · 24/10/2019 15:44

I think it's fine for the eldest to go. Why should they miss out?

TheMustressMhor · 24/10/2019 15:50

So your ex isn't working and doesn't claim benefits.

He must be working cash-in-hand, then.

He can't live on nothing or has he won the Lottery?

Disfordarkchocolate · 24/10/2019 15:52

Where did they get this idea you have to go abroad for it to be a holiday?

minipie · 24/10/2019 16:00

Disfordarkchocolate I think she’s saying no relative of hers would come along on a UK holiday to help with the DC. Not that the DC wouldn’t see it as a holiday.

OP somehow I get the impression that your relative’s offer is quite grudging? The fact they won’t pay anything and won’t suggest taking the others in turn in future even though they must realise that makes it a tough choice for you. Do you feel like it’s a grudging offer or a genuine one?

Personally I’d ask the relative if they could commit to taking the others one by one in future years. If so then take it. If not then don’t (and frankly in that case it’s not all that great an offer).

Disfordarkchocolate · 24/10/2019 16:03

Thanks, @minipie.

AryaStarkWolf · 24/10/2019 16:06

I think it's fine for the eldest to go. Why should they miss out?

She wouldn't know about it so wouldn't feel like she is missing out, if she did go though the 7 year old would certainly know she was missing out and not chosen. I couldn't do that to any of my children

Waveysnail · 24/10/2019 16:07

Depends. Does the 8 year old end up aring for younger siblings who have disabilities?