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Original poster

Honoring deceased people at a wedding

145 replies

Rose789 · 24/10/2019 00:41

Me and dp are getting married in a few weeks.
I am wearing the necklace my mum wore on her wedding day (she died when I was a teenager) Dp is wearing his best friends watch which was left to him when he died a few years ago.
It means something to us and that’s what we have each chosen to do.
I told mil about it and she’s now came up with the idea that we should honour them publicly. Like as in leave an empty seat at the top table where my mum would have sat. Have an empty seat beside his brother (best man) where his friend would have sat.
The whole thing gives me the absolute horrors.
I’ve been to weddings before where the deceased have been a big part of the day. Including one where waiting to line up to go into the reception there were framed photos of every single family member that had died including some great great uncle who died in 1924. It was awful the brides extended family had no idea about it and several of them broke into tears seeing their grandparents photo. For the first hour it was like being at a wake.
I just think it’s such a macabre thing to do, but now I’m worried that we aren’t “honoring them properly”
Help me out here folks, any tips for gracefully remembering them without causing all my relatives to start sobbing?

OP posts:
Span1elsRock · 24/10/2019 09:16

We went to a wedding once, the Groom's father had died many years beforehand. They had a massive photo in the church at the top of the aisle, talked about him in the service and sang his favourite hymn, had the photo in the receiving line, then on the top table and the Groom's entire speech was about his Dad. And the worst part was that his Mum had remarried many years before so his stepdad had to sit and listen to it.

It felt like a funeral, not a wedding....... and put a real dampener on the day tbh.

Do what you and your groom feel comfortable with - that's all that matters. Life is for the living Flowers

FromTheAllotment · 24/10/2019 09:25

Friends of mine who got married had each lost a brother at a young age. They had a little bouquet of white roses tied to the church doors in memorial, which was nice I thought. Plus the toast to absent friends.

SpiderCharlotte · 24/10/2019 09:31

@BitOfFun what you did was absolutely lovely. Flowers

OP, your original ideas are perfect. I find empty chairs mawkish and upsetting.

BezalHell · 24/10/2019 09:37

I think what's so uncomfortable and sinister about the "empty chairs" idea is that it stresses the "absence" of the deceased. It's nicer to suggest their "presence". I'm getting married in January, and we're having DP's late father & grandfather's prayer shawls as part of the canopy.

Wrongdissection · 24/10/2019 09:41

My grandad died the week before my sisters wedding. She had a framed photo next to the cake with a glass of wine beside it and a pendant with his pic in on her bouquet. He was also mentioned in the speech as an absent friend.

It wasn’t flashy or obtrusive or macabre. I think an empty seat would have been too difficult for my Grandma.

ShinyGiratina · 24/10/2019 09:42

I printed and laminated a picture of me, my dad and another close relative and had it tucked in my bouquet so we went down the aisle together.

Some music that reminded me of my dad was included in the background music and disco.

It's a good point that it is about bringing presence not emphisising absence which is what the empty chair would do. Plus the people to the side of the empty chair are inconvenienced by the spacing away from convetsation.

Sleepyhead19 · 24/10/2019 09:46

I think a toast to absent loved ones is nice. My brothers also had a photo of their deceased dad at both of their weddings.
You should just do what you feel comfortable doing though. That’s what your loved ones would want.

PlanningApplication · 24/10/2019 09:48

Just raise a glass to absent friends at the reception.

Becbobs · 24/10/2019 09:54

My great uncle died the week before my wedding. It was sad, as he was meant to be there, but not a surprise as he'd been ill for a long time. We simply did a toast to absent friends during the speeches, as my DHs grandad had died earlier in the year too. It was simple and didn't bring the mood down but meant we weren't ignoring their absence either.

Emma71992 · 24/10/2019 09:56

Your idea sounds lovely. I got married two years ago and honoured my dad - who died when I was 19 – by having a small photo of him attached to my bouquet and then during the disco we had a few of my dad's favourite songs played e.g. Queen, Elvis and it was great as everyone made an effort to get up and dance and it was fun rather than sad. I find the leaving an empty seat a bit too morbid and upsetting. If you're happy with how you're honouring them then I think that's fine. They can always be mentioned in the speeches, which has probably already been thought about?

sashh · 24/10/2019 10:00

Dp has said he likes the idea of a toast to absent friends and is going to put that in to his speech

I think that's nice and your MIL is bonkers.

I've also been at weddings where there has beena toast for, "those we wish were here" which I also like.

Beesandcheese · 24/10/2019 10:01

It's your wedding. Taking a moment as and when suits you is to be expected when you feel someone is missing, but you acknowledge your loss your way. I put my bouquet on the grave of the gran who raised me. It was for me and her enough. We were both similar in expressing ourselves. X Have a beautiful day.

wink1970 · 24/10/2019 10:02

Just raise a glass to absent friends at the reception.

Yep good idea; OP has said this is something they will now add and I think it's the most appropriate.

We raise this toast at all major family occasions including Christmas Day; it doesn't need to be maudlin and can often start some funny or joyful memory stories.

Rosebel · 24/10/2019 10:07

On our wedding day my husband wire his dad's watch, he'd died 4 years before. Then at the reception he mentioned him in his speech saying his dad had been his inspiration. It was emotional but not sad. Leaving empty chairs is a bit spooky IMO and I wouldn't like the photos eitgi.
Just stick with what you've decided, sounds perfect.

thinking2019 · 24/10/2019 10:23

On our wedding day I had a locket in my bouquet with a picture of my mum and I.

I did a speech and raised a toast to her alongside my DHs Dad and we remembered them that way.

Recently been to a family wedding and they had pictures of our deceased relatives in frames with the cake. It was a lovely touch but a bit too emotional for me.

I think you need to go with your original plan OP. It is your wedding and you can remember people as you wish. Good luck with it

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 24/10/2019 10:26

I haven't read all of the thread yet but BitofFun that was a lovely thing to do, I imagine it would have really comforted you on your special day.

Rose789, I think yours and your husband-to-be's idea is the right one, these people are special to you, always will be and they don't need a fanfare or an outward 'display'. I don't understand the empty chair thing and to me it's mawkish. Anyway, her view doesn't need to be yours. Hope you have a wonderful wedding day.

ScatteredMama82 · 24/10/2019 10:27

I think what you are doing is lovely, the empty chairs thing is a bit sombre. I lost my Mum to breast cancer and at my wedding my Dad mentioned her in his speech, and I made the wedding favours in her memory (a breast cancer pin and a little note asking people just to think of her for a moment on the day).

Puzzledandpissedoff · 24/10/2019 10:28

Another vote for your original plan, and do be careful about the motivations of those who want to ramp up the emotion. IME it can often be more about them, leading to the sort of situation at my own wedding where MIL spent most of the day in the loos, accosting each visitor with tearstained photos

StoppinBy · 24/10/2019 10:30

We did a butterfly release at our wedding. Empty chairs at a wedding sounds terrible, it would be a very sad reminder for the entire day and make things quite awkward for others I think.

Go with your original plan, you are remembering them in a personal way that is special to the two of you and it sounds perfect.

BettysLeftTentacle · 24/10/2019 10:35

Don’t get me wrong, I love a bit of the macabre but don’t do what your MIL suggested! I’ve been on the other side of it where at my Aunt’s wedding (the third), the groom had a dedicated part of his overly long, pretentious, rambling speech paying tribute to people they wanted to remember that ‘couldn’t be there’ - died. One of these people was my late mother, nobody had warned me, it caught me completely off guard and it was so uncomfortable. Once that cringe had subsided I was angry because he didn’t even know my mother, half of what he said didn’t even relate to her at all and actually, if she wasnt dead, she wouldn’t have liked him at all.

What you want to do OP is much more tasteful. Do that.

Ginger1982 · 24/10/2019 10:39

Absolutely no to the empty chairs!

What you're doing sounds fine. My dad died when I was a teenager. My mum gave me away and did the FOB speech and mentioned DDad. DH did a toast to 'absent friends' to cover any and all losses and that was it.

LendAnEar · 24/10/2019 10:40

My uncle sadly lost his Dad (my GD) the year before his wedding at the age of 23. He had a candle with a poem on it burning throughout the day. It was lovely. They still have the candle today.

TheMarschallin · 24/10/2019 10:40

Does anyone remember a thread about someone getting married whose MIL insisted of placing a full sized cardboard cutout of her deceased husband a various places around the reception?!

Will have a search.

I think your ideas are lovely btw and hope you have a beautiful and happy day.

spaniorita · 24/10/2019 10:42

I lost my dad and grandad prior to my wedding and remembered them with two silk butterflies in my bouquet. They were also mentioned and toasted in my mum's "father of the bride" speech. I thought that was adequate, no need for macabre empty seats. Enjoy your day and remember your loved ones how you wish to.

Whiskeylover45 · 24/10/2019 10:43

I think what your planning on doing is perfect. It's a subtle personal way to honour them. I did that with a bracelet given to me by my grandfather before he died, and I had a junkie with my granny's initials placed in my bodice (she had a thing about hankies lol). I also set up a small table next to the bar with a sign that said, people who couldnt be here but who are forever in our hearts. I placed some personalised frames with pictures of my granny, and DH's mum there with a little white tree with a few candles. It was enough to recognise them, yet unobtrusive. An empty chair while nice in thought, can be more glaringly obvious and would have upset both of us as it would have been a reminder. However horses and courses as granny used to say, and all that...xxx