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Original poster

Honoring deceased people at a wedding

145 replies

Rose789 · 24/10/2019 00:41

Me and dp are getting married in a few weeks.
I am wearing the necklace my mum wore on her wedding day (she died when I was a teenager) Dp is wearing his best friends watch which was left to him when he died a few years ago.
It means something to us and that’s what we have each chosen to do.
I told mil about it and she’s now came up with the idea that we should honour them publicly. Like as in leave an empty seat at the top table where my mum would have sat. Have an empty seat beside his brother (best man) where his friend would have sat.
The whole thing gives me the absolute horrors.
I’ve been to weddings before where the deceased have been a big part of the day. Including one where waiting to line up to go into the reception there were framed photos of every single family member that had died including some great great uncle who died in 1924. It was awful the brides extended family had no idea about it and several of them broke into tears seeing their grandparents photo. For the first hour it was like being at a wake.
I just think it’s such a macabre thing to do, but now I’m worried that we aren’t “honoring them properly”
Help me out here folks, any tips for gracefully remembering them without causing all my relatives to start sobbing?

OP posts:
stucknoue · 24/10/2019 01:28
  • toasting !!! Silly phone
BitOfFun · 24/10/2019 01:30

Toasting, one hopes...unless they didn't get to Heaven Grin.

We didn't have speeches at a formal sit-down meal, but I agree that if you do, that's the time to mention something. Ozgirl's story is spot on.

BitOfFun · 24/10/2019 01:32

stucknoue Grin

Vampyress · 24/10/2019 01:35

I have a tattoo of angel wings on my back which were done with my brothers ashes put into the ink. My intention was to honor him in my speech by highlighting how in some sense I would still get to dance with my brother on my wedding day. To some my plan might be macabre but it's about what you feel comfortable with and your idea sounds lovely! Congratulations Halloween Blush

ILoveMyCaravan · 24/10/2019 01:35

The vicar mentioned my dad and DHs mum in his speech (or whatever you call it) he just said. "...and remembering xx and xx today". We had lost them both shortly before the wedding so it was still very raw, but it was enough that they were publicly remembered. That was very important to me as my side of the family would have gladly airbrushed my dad out of the whole occasion.

AcrossthePond55 · 24/10/2019 01:43

I think your gestures are just lovely. Understated but deeply meaningful. Your MiL's are OTT for a wedding.

We left Dad's seat empty at Thanksgiving the year he died as he'd only been gone 2 months, but that was at our immediate family dinner at my house. We wouldn't have done it if we'd been entertaining the extended family.

SummerPlace · 24/10/2019 01:45

I went to a Catholic marriage service where the bride and groom had one of those candle lighting ceremonies, where each parent uses a paper to light a large candle to signify the joining of the families. The bride's father with deceased, and her mum carried two tapers, and used one to light the joint candle In her dad's name.

GunpowderGelatine · 24/10/2019 01:51

I think empty seats would look odd but I've heard some absolutely beautiful speeches that include memories of deceased loved ones. And it's never awkward, and quite honestly nothing says it like words do. Maybe your DH could mention your mum in his and the best man could mention your DH's best friend?

Elbowedout · 24/10/2019 01:57

My nephew married recently and his bride had a little photo of her late grandma in one half of a locket, and his deceased grandparents (my mum and dad) on their wedding day in the other half, and the locket was hanging on her bouquet. I thought that was really lovely. They were also mentioned in prayers at the church and briefly in the groom's speech. I think that was plenty. It is appropriate to acknowledge loved ones who have died - I certainly really appreciated the fact that my mum and dad were thought of as part of such a beautiful day - but empty chairs and shrines to the dead are not necessary and , in my opinion, rather distasteful. I think your original idea is absolutely fine OP.

Seren85 · 24/10/2019 01:59

I had my Nanas' rosary as part of my flowers and her and my Grandads wedding photo next to my flowers on the top table. I knew my Dad would forget to mention my mum's family so wanted to include them.

ConfusedAndStressed95 · 24/10/2019 02:04

My niece had a small remembrance table at her reception, it was slightly at the back but beautifully decorated and had pictures of family members she and her husband had known and loved and it was lovely but it wasn't shoved in peoples faces. Subtle over brute force.

gingersausage · 24/10/2019 04:43

The point is, it’s your memorial not hers. You’ve already decided what you want to do so that’s that. Tell your MIL thanks for her input but you will be sticking with your original plan. If necessary, tell her your mum wouldn’t have liked it (the empty chair).

My friend waitressed a wedding about 20 years ago where they took the empty chair a step too far. There was a large portrait of the deceased family member sitting in the chair and each course of the meal had to be served to it....

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 24/10/2019 05:15

Your way of remembering your loved ones sounds lovely and it would be good to say something in the speeches too. I’ve been to weddings where there have been photos on a side table and find that okay too. My DP wants to do the whole empty seat thing as sadly he has lost both his parents, I’m afraid I don’t agree and it’s one reason why I am in no hurry to get married.

FuriousVexation · 24/10/2019 05:29

I told mil about it and she’s now came up with the idea that we should honour them publicly. Like as in leave an empty seat at the top table where my mum would have sat. Have an empty seat beside his brother (best man) where his friend would have sat.

No way, fuck that. I'd have massively cringed if I'd been at any wedding where that happened.

Speeches are usually the place to honour deceased family members, e.g. "I know my Gran would have loved to see this day and I miss her all the time, but I know she'd approve of my choice of husband."

jaseyraex · 24/10/2019 05:59

As others have said, it's your wedding and your way to remember them so you do that as you see fit. My mum gave me my nanas "mum" necklace to wear on my wedding day and we talked briefly about her in a speech. I wouldn't have liked the whole empty seat thing, I remembered her and that was all that mattered to me.

Did you tell your MIL that you wouldn't be doing what she wanted?

Fredthefrog · 24/10/2019 06:13

My dad died when I was young and I wanted something of him at my wedding so I had lots of photos in amongst photos of all the guests (photo theme) and my mum mentioned him in her speech. I would have found empty chairs too sad personally. I think your plan is lovely

MaybeitsMaybelline · 24/10/2019 06:30

A few words in the speech is enough, I agree empty chairs are horrific.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 24/10/2019 06:33

I went to a wedding a few years back where one of the parents had tragically died a very short while before the wedding - no one thought of leaving an empty chair for them and I think many people would have thought that far too maudlin! It was sad enough for the bridal party and family to have to cope with the loss as it was, without a strong visual reminder. The parent was remembered in the speeches and very moving they were too - not a dry eye. That's all that's needed.

Your own ideas are lovely - I wore my Nanna's earrings and a great aunt's engagement ring, and my DH wore his Dad's cufflinks - these were our memorials to our missing family members.

Fluffycloudland77 · 24/10/2019 06:39

It’s way too maudlin to leave a chair empty, it’s meant to be a happy day not a sad one.

LadyLanka · 24/10/2019 06:40

I have been to 2 weddings recently which had tables with photos of "absent" relatives. I found it inappropriate, especially as the widow of one of them, who was present, had not been informed beforehand and was quite taken aback at being confronted, unexpectedly, by a photo of her late husband.
Absolutely fine to mention absent friends/loved ones in a toast or to wear a watch or piece of jewellery, but I find shrines just a little over the top.

CoolCarrie · 24/10/2019 06:46

I agree with you OP, empty chairs are ott, your own way of remembering is enough, and a toast of absent family is prefect.

Bobthefisherghoulswife · 24/10/2019 06:48

I'm a big fan of each to their own when it comes to weddings, it's your and your partners day not hers. Honour the people you wish to be there but can't how you want to.

I think the keepsakes are beautiful touches and like pps have said, a mention in speeches is equally lovely. But don't let your mil to be convince you to do something you don't want to.

I hope you and your partner have a lovely day celebrating your relationship.

user1493413286 · 24/10/2019 06:50

We did a toast to my dad at the wedding as it was very difficult to me that he wasn’t there and I wanted to acknowledge him in the day.
The empty seat thing would have made me feel very sad to be honest and I didn’t want sadness to take over the day.

MegaClutterSlut · 24/10/2019 07:12

I think empty seats are a bit much. We unexpectedly lost fil a few months before sils wedding. She had a small locket size photo attached to her flowers and we each had one on our button holes. I thought it was a lovely touch.

MrsS147 · 24/10/2019 07:14

I think what you’re planning to do sounds a lovely way to honour their memories.

DHs parents are no longer with us, they were mentioned in our ceremony and speeches, and we included their favourite flowers in the bouquets and buttonholes. We left a couple of seats on the front row at the ceremony empty but didn’t have any empty at the dinner.

It’s you and your partners wedding and you shouldn’t do anything that you don’t want to. Don’t let your MIL convince you to do something you’re not comfortable with.

Congratulations by the way and hope you both have a special day!