Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Honoring deceased people at a wedding

145 replies

Rose789 · 24/10/2019 00:41

Me and dp are getting married in a few weeks.
I am wearing the necklace my mum wore on her wedding day (she died when I was a teenager) Dp is wearing his best friends watch which was left to him when he died a few years ago.
It means something to us and that’s what we have each chosen to do.
I told mil about it and she’s now came up with the idea that we should honour them publicly. Like as in leave an empty seat at the top table where my mum would have sat. Have an empty seat beside his brother (best man) where his friend would have sat.
The whole thing gives me the absolute horrors.
I’ve been to weddings before where the deceased have been a big part of the day. Including one where waiting to line up to go into the reception there were framed photos of every single family member that had died including some great great uncle who died in 1924. It was awful the brides extended family had no idea about it and several of them broke into tears seeing their grandparents photo. For the first hour it was like being at a wake.
I just think it’s such a macabre thing to do, but now I’m worried that we aren’t “honoring them properly”
Help me out here folks, any tips for gracefully remembering them without causing all my relatives to start sobbing?

OP posts:

89redballoons · 24/10/2019 07:22

DH and I mentioned both our fathers (who are no longer with us) in the speeches.

We also played each of their favourite songs as we were signing the register. Only close family realised that was why we chose that music, but that really meant something to me - it felt like having a private conversation with dad on my wedding day.

I wouldn't have liked an empty seat for him. One of the best things about my wedding was seeing all the wider family come together in one place for a good time - sadly in my family, that's happened far more frequently at funerals than at happy occasions like weddings recently. We've had enough grief.

Youseethethingis · 24/10/2019 07:23

It’s a wedding not a wake, I think empty chairs are too much.
We went down the subtle route at our wedding. When we went to sign the register, my grandfathers favourite tunes played for guests - these were not in any way traditional wedding tunes so think people were quite surprised! I wore my grandmothers ring and earrings and my aunties necklace. We tied the knot using my grandmothers scarf and DHs grandfathers tie. Our favours were given to guests from a tray woven by my auntie as a hobby. On the table we had charity pins for two charities which helped or meant something to grandparents on each side. The band played a song which included DH grandmothers name which she loved.
We both spoke about those we had lost in our speeches and explained what the pins were about but the rest the guests would not have picked up on, it was for us to know and find comfort in rather than for show.
Don’t be railroaded into anything OP. It’s a day that’s about you and your new DH and what you feel happy with.

SusanneLinder · 24/10/2019 07:25

When my DD's got married , my mum ( their beloved Gran) was mentioned and toasted in the speeches as well as a toast to absent friends/family I gave them a piece of jewellery of hers ( as their something old) to wear on the day. Gave them the night before so it didn't upset them, and also so the day was about them, not deceased relatives, no matter how much loved.
It's nice for them to be honoured but empty chairs etc, no...

Yorkshiredolls · 24/10/2019 07:29

My mums Fiancé passed away suddenly about 6 months before I married. We considered the empty chair but decided it was just too much. My husband honoured him in his speech which had the whole room in tears. We Also had a really lovely framed photo at “johns spot” in the corner of the bar, which is where he almost certainly would have spent his evening if he was still with us, with his place card (which was written before he died) and a glass of his favourite JD & coke. was lovely really. a few people left shots for him and my drunken sister took the photo for a spin around the dance floor. bittersweet memories

GinNotGym19 · 24/10/2019 07:40

I went to a wedding where someone close to them had died 3 months before, everyone did a shot for him of his fav drink before the dinner. It was nice!
I think what you are doing is enough. You don’t need me empty seats which people will ask about and put a damper on it.
It’s all very personal don’t feel like you need to do anything else, wearing the necklace and watch seems fitting

Roselilly36 · 24/10/2019 07:41

What you have already planned is great, it’s your special day, don’t be talked into anything you don’t feel comfortable with.

Skittlesandbeer · 24/10/2019 07:46

We had a chapel wedding, and included a sort of stone dish full of sand off to the side. We put a bunch of thin taper candles next to it. The priest offered at the beginning if anyone wanted to come up and light a taper for someone who couldn’t join us physically in the room. So they could be present by their light during the ceremony.

Everyone loved it, and there was a queue of people lighting them!

It meant we could include family & friends from far away, as well as deceased people. Also it meant that several candles could be lit for one person (by different guests) as their gesture, if that makes sense. And it was private and anonymous, no one had to state who they were lighting a taper for. Beautiful music was playing, and the dish full of lit candles was a beautiful addition to the ceremony.

Obvious pointed displays such as your MIL suggested seem to be the opposite of remembrance and reverence. Virtue signalling, and rather startling to guests, if you ask me!

CigarsofthePharoahs · 24/10/2019 07:53

I have to admit I'm relieved reading this thread.
Dh's dad passed away about eight months before our wedding. He suggested having an empty place setting and I thought it was a bit too maudlin.
In the end he decided not to and his siblings provided all the maudlin by turning up in black and refusing to smile.
I wish I'd thought of having a token to have with me or DH.

Robs20 · 24/10/2019 07:54

I think your plan is perfect. I am a bridesmaid at a wedding next year and the bride wants to have a table of photos. It will be grandparents/ great grandparents and my dd. I know lots of people will see dd1’s photo and be very upset. I would prefer not to have the drama but appreciate the gesture.

Yeahnahyeah1 · 24/10/2019 07:54

Empty chairs are way too macabre. Not the mood for a wedding at all.
My DH had lost 4 close family members and we lost 2 close friends in year/eighteen months before we got married. Everyone knew we were missing them, we didn’t feel the need to put on a bit of a pantomime about it. We mentioned them in our speeches, and we had a special offer on a certain drink for one of our friends, named after them, but that was plenty . It’s a happy day.

maddiemookins16mum · 24/10/2019 07:54

I had a small framed photo of my mum next to our wedding cake and she was briefly mentioned in a speech. It meant something to me and my family and people commented how lovely it was.

Yeahnahyeah1 · 24/10/2019 07:57

Oh, and we did go and put my bouquet on his grandfathers grave the Tuesday after our wedding. That felt special to us.

Member984815 · 24/10/2019 07:57

Don't let your mil hijack your plans , your original plan is beautiful

Mummaofmytribe · 24/10/2019 08:00

We lit a candle while a mention was being made during the ceremony. An empty chair would've tipped me over the edge (and done as much to others).
Your gestures sound thoughtful and appropriate.
Don't be pushed into anything more!

maddening · 24/10/2019 08:02

Def don't do the seats, in addition to it. Being a bad idea you will constantly have to explain to the servers as. To why they are not putting a plate down at those places.

GREATAUNT1 · 24/10/2019 08:03

After we’d got married we went straight to the cemetery & put the bouquet on our parents graves.

CakeAndGin · 24/10/2019 08:05

OP, they are your losses, not your MILs. Your grief not hers. So however you and your partner want to remember your loved ones is right for you. At any time and not just on your wedding day.

NWQM · 24/10/2019 08:11

This really is one of those cases whereby your way is the right way... its your day.

I hope it is as beautiful and thoughtful as you sound.

StCharlotte · 24/10/2019 08:15

I lost my dad when I was 16 and my mother six months before our wedding. My sister did the flowers and tucked tiny photos of them in my bouquet. Only we knew. My brother mentioned them briefly in his speech and toasted absent friends - that was as much as I could have coped with I think.

Our reception was across the road from the church where we were married and where my parents were married and are buried so we popped over in the evening and lay my flowers on their grave.

I also have my mother's wedding ring as my wedding ring which means the world to me - it has now "presided" over nearly 50 years of happy marriage(s).

Have a wonderful day OP, I think your ideas are lovely and your MIL to be is barking!

DobbyLovesSocks · 24/10/2019 08:15

What you are planning sounds lovely OP. You could, if you wanted to, perhaps mention those not with you as part of Groom's speech. I would be careful of this however as a wedding I went to a few years ago the groom's father made a speech and as he was nervous over dinner he perhaps drank a little more than he should have and he went on and on about family who weren't there and introducing the bride to extended family (the B&G had been together for over 10 years so knew family quite well). TBH it got bit awkward - luckily the best man saved it all with his very witty speech

wornoutboots · 24/10/2019 08:20

for .y corset wedding I cried with .my brother (who escorted me down the aisle) for my dad, then we went to chapel. Dad is always in my heart anyway.
I avoided any too table nonsense by having a morning wedding, with a buffet lunch so no top table to worry about.
I did upset my mother by very clearly rejecting her notion that her boyfriend should stand in my dad's place in my wedding photos - he wasn't my dad, had never been in any way involved in raising me so had done no "dadding". Jam was upset that I refused, I was upset and very annoyed that she though it appropriate to ask that, especially immediately before the photos are taken!

So, anyway - your wedding, your grief. So you do both your way. Just tell anyone else that you aren't doing that.

chipsandgin · 24/10/2019 08:20

“Thank you for your suggestions but we want to honour them in our own way” will do. If necessary you can also say that empty chairs and photos would be upsetting for you (although you shouldn’t need to but perhaps she needs the blindingly obvious pointed out as she is suggesting that).

Empty chairs is macabre and would the day shadowed with sadness - you know you loved them, miss them and nobody would suggest anything otherwise. Stand firm OP & congratulations

wornoutboots · 24/10/2019 08:21

"Mam", not "jam", obviously!

Dollywilde · 24/10/2019 08:22

We had an empty chair for my FIL at the top table I wasn’t keen but (now) DH wanted it and frankly I felt it was up to him how he honoured his dad. We briefly toasted him but it didn’t feel macabre, plus there wasn’t any explaining to do as all our friends and family knew DH had lost his dad.

That said I 100% agree OP that it’s up to you how you honour absent friends - nothing to do with your MIL.

KatyCarrCan · 24/10/2019 08:24

What you are doing is enough. Get your DP to have a word with MIL and explain it would be too upsetting to have the empty seats.
We mentioned our late fathers in the speeches.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6