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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Honoring deceased people at a wedding

145 replies

Rose789 · 24/10/2019 00:41

Me and dp are getting married in a few weeks.
I am wearing the necklace my mum wore on her wedding day (she died when I was a teenager) Dp is wearing his best friends watch which was left to him when he died a few years ago.
It means something to us and that’s what we have each chosen to do.
I told mil about it and she’s now came up with the idea that we should honour them publicly. Like as in leave an empty seat at the top table where my mum would have sat. Have an empty seat beside his brother (best man) where his friend would have sat.
The whole thing gives me the absolute horrors.
I’ve been to weddings before where the deceased have been a big part of the day. Including one where waiting to line up to go into the reception there were framed photos of every single family member that had died including some great great uncle who died in 1924. It was awful the brides extended family had no idea about it and several of them broke into tears seeing their grandparents photo. For the first hour it was like being at a wake.
I just think it’s such a macabre thing to do, but now I’m worried that we aren’t “honoring them properly”
Help me out here folks, any tips for gracefully remembering them without causing all my relatives to start sobbing?

OP posts:

CurbsideProphet · 24/10/2019 08:25

We had a photo display of our relationship leading up to marriage, as children, and with our friends. We included a few photos of DH's late dad in this. DH also mentioned his dad in his speech and asked for a toast to absent friends.

You should do whatever you feel most comfortable with.

Perpetuallyperplexed27 · 24/10/2019 08:27

A friend recently got married and simply had a little side table with candles and framed photos of the family who have passed away with a small plaque saying 'wish you were here'. I thought that was really lovely.

An empty chair would be a bit much for me and I'd find it upsetting.

Loveislandaddict · 24/10/2019 08:31

I love your plan. An empty chair would be a bit spooky for me. Maybe a toast to absent friends during the grooms speech would be nice, if you feel comfortable doing it.

wornoutboots · 24/10/2019 08:32

And "first" not "corset". I shouldn't post in the morning, my autocorrect has me at a disadvantage!

cornishmama93 · 24/10/2019 08:35

I think what you're planning is fine.
We got married in February and I wore my nans wedding ring on a necklace as my something old and something borrowed to remember her by as she passed away 2 years ago and we mentioned her in our speeches just saying how we wished she could've been here etc. And my husband did the same, mentioning his grandad who passed away 2 years before in his speech.

Wherearemyminions · 24/10/2019 08:35

DHs parents had both died before we got married, I never met his Dad but did get to know his Mum well in her last few years. We asked his Aunt (his Mums sister) and her husband to sit at the top table with my parents, they were delighted to be asked and it worked beautifully, DH mentioned it in his speech, thanking them and mentioned a few funny memories of his parents and a very funny one of his Aunt from his childhood, just seemed very right and natural.

Not a fan of empty chairs, have seen small pictures/candles etc to honour deceased relatives and think that can be lovely, just an empty chair seems OTT, and could make people feel very uncomfortable.

SerenDippitty · 24/10/2019 08:35

My father died when I was 17. When I got married my brother gave me away. (This was 30 years ago). In his speech he just said something like “we should take a minute to remember Seren’s and my father, who would be very proud today” and mentioned a childhood memory which included me and our dad. We didn’t leave a seat empty that would be macabre.

Gooseygoosey12345 · 24/10/2019 08:38

We had a picture of grandparents with some flowers in the reception room but that was it. I think leaving empty chairs etc is a bit much. Your plan is lovely, and it's your wedding so if that's what you want that's what you do

AnnaMagnani · 24/10/2019 08:40

My Dad died a couple of months before my wedding. We didn't need a reminder of him like an empty chair as it was fucking obvious he wasn't there.

DH and I talked about him in our speeches and that was enough.

AllTheWhoresOfMalta · 24/10/2019 08:40

I got married on what would have been my Grandads birthday- He died the year before. I propoaed a toast to him. Anything else would have felt OTT in my family.

powershowerforanhour · 24/10/2019 08:42

I have seen old bride and groom photos of both sets of parents at weddings, usually beside the cake. That's quite nice but even just what you already plan plus a mention in speeches is fine. The bowl of candles for anyone to light is a lovely idea too.

Smelborp · 24/10/2019 08:43

I wouldn’t go for the empty chair, someone has to sit next to it and they won’t have someone to speak to on that side which will make them feel worse.

It’s down to you and your future DH how you honour people and you had it right the first time.

Dinoctoblock · 24/10/2019 08:44

I think your original ideas are perfect.

It is very sad indeed that your mother and DF’s BF are no longer with you to enjoy your day, but truthfully if someone in your position left empty chairs I would feel it was rather attention seeking and smacked of faux grief.

At my wedding I had three candles lit on the pulpit to represent my 3 grandparents who had passed (my two grandmothers died within a few months before the wedding). The congregation didn’t know that’s why those three candles were there, but the wedding party did and I love that they were burning there during the ceremony and are in the photos of the ceremony.

Very tragically, a family friend and the child of a family friend had also died within a year before the wedding, and we honoured them by making donations to charities which fundraise for their respective conditions instead of giving favours. Again, we didn’t name check the individuals but just wrote a simple sign saying that donations had been made to x and y charities in lieu of favours. It would have been too intrusive and upsetting for the relatives of those who had passed who were guests at the wedding to do otherwise.

NearlyGranny · 24/10/2019 08:45

Empty chairs, photographs and memorial candles at a wedding?! When did that become a thing? I would find that macabre and a bit self-indulgent and showy, too, if not downright superstitious. Unless it's an established part of your particular culture or your partner's of course. The dead do not need chairs or tables and can be remembered much better in a speech, as PP have suggested.

I love your ideas because they're personal, private and dignified. The place for a show of grief and loss is a funeral, not a wedding!

Don't let anyone else dictate; do it your way and have a fabulous day!

raspberryk · 24/10/2019 08:51

We (and others I have been to), made a brief mention in the speeches to those who couldn't be with us for whatever reason, and then the wedding flowers were taken to the relevant relatives at home, nursing homes, and their graves by family members the following day.

ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 24/10/2019 08:58

My sister gave a moment or so to her DH's grandmother on their wedding day (poor lady died a few weeks before the day) and said of our mother (died a few years back) that she wished she could have been there to celebrate with them but "Well, you know, that happened". There was no other acknowledgement or fuss made, and it was perfectly fine. Do what feels right for you.

CharityDingle · 24/10/2019 09:01

Your own ideas are just perfect. Weddings can be very emotional days and leaving empty chairs would be a bit much in my opinion.
I'm sure your MIL meant well, but it's best to keep things very general in discussions about the day from here on.

Hope that you have a lovely day.

Pukkatea · 24/10/2019 09:04

Empty chairs on the top table are ghastly and spoil it for the people sitting there. Wearing tokens is lovely and a quiet way to keep your loved ones with you without making a show about it. As a PP said, it's not a funeral.

saraclara · 24/10/2019 09:06

My daughter had her locket with her dad's photo in attached to her bouquet so that he was , 'with her' when she walked up the aisle. Her new husband mentioned him in an anecdote in his speech, which was much more natural than specifically referring to his absence.
I don't think a note of sadness in a happy day is necessary, nor do I think her dad would have wanted that.

Jojobythesea · 24/10/2019 09:07

@BitOfFun I'm so sorry about your Dad. What a lovely bouquet 💐

Original poster

Rose789 · 24/10/2019 09:11

Thank you so much. There are some really beautiful ideas and I’m very grateful for you all sharing your own stories.
Dp has said he likes the idea of a toast to absent friends and is going to put that in to his speech, neither of us had thought of that and I think it’s perfect.

Thank you for the well wishes too

OP posts:

PETRONELLAS · 24/10/2019 09:13

Soften it with the MIL by saying all of the above and that it’s just not practical. People will get confused and start moving chairs to fill the gaps. The food servers may find it hard to work out what needs to go where.
It’s a definite no and not necessary to show you miss them etc by leaving an empty chair. Ridiculous suggestion.
Have a super day.

DonnaDarko · 24/10/2019 09:13

I think your plan is perfect, anything else is too much!

LunaTheCat · 24/10/2019 09:15

BitOfFun that is so beautiful and so sad. Beautiful bouquet . I am sure he was so proud of you!

FizzyGreenWater · 24/10/2019 09:16

Your MIL's idea is horrible - mawkish and OTT.

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