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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off XH is buying a house?

100 replies

IndieTara · 23/10/2019 16:35

My first ever AIBU, here goes...
Have been split from XH nearly 8 years and we are divorced. One DD aged 10 and we have a 50/50 shared care court order.

XH moved out into a friends spare room and left me to pay everything claiming he needed to be able to save a deposit so he could move into a rental. This left me paying for absolutely everything, mortgage, bills, nursery fees, shopping, petrol etc on just my salary.

I was the one who instigated the split as he was hell to live with for many many reasons. I think I felt so guilty that I just agreed to whatever he wanted just to get him out and away from me.

I ended up in loads of debt as for months and months he paid nothing, it absolutely decimated my credit score and I'm still not free of it.

I have been living in the equivalent of a 2 bed holiday chalet size property in the best area I can afford to be able to get DD into a great secondary school. It's a really expensive area, I'm always having to juggle which bills to pay and have very little disposable income.

He has lived in a one bed flat above a shop for the last 7 years and has just had an offer accepted on a 2 bed house, in an ok area. He came into a large sum of money when his mum died a couple of yrs ago so was able to put down a decent deposit.

I will never ever be able to buy somewhere.
And even though I know and fully appreciate that it's great for DD to have the security of him having his own home, I'm so resentful because he left me in so much debt and I will never have that same security.

So am I AIBU in my resentment?

OP posts:
Anotherlongdrive · 23/10/2019 16:50

I cant say yabu.

Because i get it. Exh spunked a load of cash last year in the kids.

But this year I got a big rise and I am better off financially.

But think about it. You have been seperate 7 years. He has bought this because his mum died. Even if they werent that close, that's not easy.

For years he has lived above a shop, which isnt luxury.

At some point you have to let it go and understand you both live seperate lives. Will you still be annoyed if he has something in 14 years? 25 years?

I know it doesnt seem fair but you need to learn to let it go.

RedSheep73 · 23/10/2019 16:52

I would say it's natural to be resentful. But if you freely agreed to take on what you did, and if he's come into money since you split up, I don't see what you can do? except maybe move somewhere cheaper.

Zebraaa · 23/10/2019 16:55

YABU, it was many years ago. He came into money to enable him to buy a house.

Undies1990 · 23/10/2019 16:58

YABU I'm afraid. His mum passing has enabled this house purchase and frankly its nothing to do with you after all this time.

Alsohuman · 23/10/2019 16:58

I say this in the nicest way @IndieTara but you need to move on. He can afford a house because he’s lost his mum. I bet he’d rather have her than the money.

swingofthings · 23/10/2019 17:00

I don't get it. You wanted to split with him, he moved out, you had 50/50 care, so unless you had joined debts then, I don't get why you expected him to pay anything for you.

Childcare should have been shared unless you got tax credits and CB, then it was fair you should pay. If the agreement was to sell the house there and then, why should he pay the mortgage when you had full use of the place let alone the bills.

It's been 8 years, I get it that you are sad that you are not in a position to buy, but your anger seems misplaced. You've both moved on.

Original poster
IndieTara · 23/10/2019 17:04

I know you're right and honestly I've learned to let so much go when it comes to him..
neither of us had a life of luxury but he has a credit score good enough to get a mortgage while I've been the one scrimping for years to enable DD to get into a really good school, while he can't be arsed being involved In her school choices, never shows up to school stuff and didn't even come to the open evening for her secondary school choice .

Ive been surprised at myself how badly I've taken the house thing

OP posts:
Original poster
IndieTara · 23/10/2019 17:06

That was in response to @Anotherlongdrive

OP posts:
CAG12 · 23/10/2019 17:07

Yes you are being unreasonable.

I get that your resentful of him, but he lost his mum which enabled him to buy a house.

Original poster
IndieTara · 23/10/2019 17:09

@RedSheep73 i didnt freely agree to take it all on . He told me it would only be 6 weeks he wouldn't be able to contribute while he was saving for a place to live. Try a to turned into well over a year. And at that point we didn't have 50/50 shared care whennelwe'd just split and he was just renting a bedroom

OP posts:
Original poster
IndieTara · 23/10/2019 17:11

@cag I'm resentful because he left me with so much to pay and I got into debt because of it that now I'll never be able to buy anywhere.

OP posts:
Lifeisabeach09 · 23/10/2019 17:12

YANBU. Inheritance aside, he has been able to save and improve his credit score at the expense of you paying for all your DDs needs (maintenance, good school area.) Hope that makes sense.
So don't blame you for being pissed off.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 23/10/2019 17:12

But you were left paying a mortgage, so you did own a house? Unless I've misunderstood.

Original poster
IndieTara · 23/10/2019 17:15

@swingofthings we didn't have shared care at that point and the house was in his name only. He also refused to sell it at that point but also wouldn't live in it. I was ready to move out into a rented flat with DD

OP posts:
Original poster
IndieTara · 23/10/2019 17:15

@Lifeisabeach09 yes thats it exactly thank you

OP posts:
DoctorAllcome · 23/10/2019 17:16

I feel YAB slightly U. Yes you are in a tough situation because of the split but that is what happens. When a dual income household splits into two households, the living standard will decrease. You can’t split and expect to maintain the same living standard. That’s just reality regardless of who’s fault the demise of the relationship is.

You pulled the trigger and ended it, and had him move out leaving you footing the bills (what did you expect? He has bills too)

If they were too much on your salary, then why didn’t you move out too?

You say you are in “the best area” you “can afford” but obviously you can’t afford it because you’re in debt with a crappy credit record. You’ve been living above your means the last 7 yrs. which is what is keeping you from starting over.

He’s been living in a room over a shop, or below his means the last 7yrs so he can start over. Then he lost his mum so now he can buy a home instead of rent one.

If I were you, I’d send DD to live with him so you can have a turn to get your shit together too.Because YANBU in the fact that starting over is a lot easier when you are living alone.

Original poster
IndieTara · 23/10/2019 17:18

@Myimaginarycathasfleas the mortgage was in his name only, it was a shared ownership house so mortgage and rent. I married a foreigner and when we moved back to the UK we rented first and set about trying to get him a credit score so we eventually put many things bills etc in his name to enable that

OP posts:
snowball28 · 23/10/2019 17:18

I’m confused you said you’d been left to pay the mortgage alone, but then you say you can’t buy a house?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/10/2019 17:19

Why did you never insist he pay any maintenance?

You could have chased through CMS (if in the UK).

Dissimilitude · 23/10/2019 17:21

I understand your resentment, but with the benefit of hindsight, it sounds to me like (since it was his house and presumably his mortgage ), you'd have been wiser to walk away from it and let him shoulder the burden of it, whilst you found somewhere more affordable for you and your DC.

Have I got this right? You split, he left the house (which was in his name), and you stuck around paying his mortgage?

Original poster
IndieTara · 23/10/2019 17:22

If I were you, I’d send DD to live with him so you can have a turn to get your shit together too.Because YANBU in the fact that starting over is a lot easier when you are living alone.

@DoctorAllcome
Fucking hell thats harsh. As if Id send my DD to live with hi full time I can't think of anything worse and neither could she I suspect

OP posts:
BarrenFieldofFucks · 23/10/2019 17:22

I get you. He opted for a 1 bed to save while you had to provide for your child in the right catchment. Did he pay for the childcare he needed for work? The mortgage you had to pay because you lived in the house I guess. If you both had 50/50 I guess you both had equal work opportunities?

Original poster
IndieTara · 23/10/2019 17:23

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy i never insisted j'me cause stupidly i felt sorry for him as he was so devastated

Trust me if I'd been on MN back then things would have been very different

OP posts:
CAG12 · 23/10/2019 17:26

I agree with @DoctorAllcome apart from the sending your daughter to live with him

Perhaps you need to move?

bluebluezoo · 23/10/2019 17:26

So he didn’t pay maintenance?

On that score YANBU.

But on the others- he left you in the family home, would you have been better off if he’d kicked you out? You wouldn’t have “been left with all the bills” then, as he would have been paying them.

From the other pov you’ve been left in your own house. You’d have had to pay your own mortgage, bills, petrol, shopping etc regardless. Unless you think he should still be paying once you’d asked him to leave?

The only thing he should have paid is CM, and you could have taken him to the CMS to enforce at any point.

Any inheritance post divorce is nothing to do with you.

If the house is in his name you need legal advice if you have been paying the mortgage for 8 years.

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