AIBU to be pissed off XH is buying a house?

[IndieTara]

My first ever AIBU, here goes...
Have been split from XH nearly 8 years and we are divorced. One DD aged 10 and we have a 50/50 shared care court order.

XH moved out into a friends spare room and left me to pay everything claiming he needed to be able to save a deposit so he could move into a rental. This left me paying for absolutely everything, mortgage, bills, nursery fees, shopping, petrol etc on just my salary.

I was the one who instigated the split as he was hell to live with for many many reasons. I think I felt so guilty that I just agreed to whatever he wanted just to get him out and away from me.

I ended up in loads of debt as for months and months he paid nothing, it absolutely decimated my credit score and I'm still not free of it.

I have been living in the equivalent of a 2 bed holiday chalet size property in the best area I can afford to be able to get DD into a great secondary school. It's a really expensive area, I'm always having to juggle which bills to pay and have very little disposable income.

He has lived in a one bed flat above a shop for the last 7 years and has just had an offer accepted on a 2 bed house, in an ok area. He came into a large sum of money when his mum died a couple of yrs ago so was able to put down a decent deposit.

I will never ever be able to buy somewhere.
And even though I know and fully appreciate that it's great for DD to have the security of him having his own home, I'm so resentful because he left me in so much debt and I will never have that same security.

So am I AIBU in my resentment?

Well his mother is dead
He has lived above a shop for year (hardly the high life)
So based on that alone, he hasn’t had a blast of a time

You have been separated 8 years, it’s sad you’ve not let go yet. Why shouldn’t he buy a house, his mother died and he saved for it?

You choose to live in a tiny house in the “best” area, you could equally move to the ok area and have more space

Well, if she put her child first and lived in a crappy house in order to get child into best school I'd say that's a pretty selfless thing to do.

YANBU. Your ex lacks a moral compass. He left you with the emoitional and financial responsibilities for a DD that is the responsibility for you both.

I agree that splitting two households is going to mean things are usually financially more challenging. His main bill was to support his child and he opted out, what a twat.

He has benefited through your hardship and his behaviour was disgusting.

Maybe your ex is a red herring.

Perhaps it's more about your feelings related to not being able to buy a little house rather than the fact that he has.

Ok so you split, he moved out. Then you moved out to benefit from better schools and more expensive area.

So what happened to your family home? That should have been divvied up in the divorce settlement.

You’ve got 50:50 shared care so presumably no maintenance is payable.

He inherited and is buying a house.

So what has he done wrong?

I think the big issue here is you live in area you can't really afford.

As I understand you instigated the split. One of you had to move. He was liable for the mortgage and bills and you were not. In spite of having no financial ties and there being no consequences to moving out, you stayed and remained. At this stage you made a decision to live in that home and to take on board the cost. You could have applied for CMS to boost your income. You could have moved out at any time. He could not have prevented either of these happening and only his credit score would have been impacted by the defaults.

There was an active decision on your part to take on the cost of staying in the house. This is where you are being unreasonable to hold him accountable.

Of course he was totally morally bankrupt by not paying maintenance. But there is only so long that should have been tolerable and you had recourse. How much would it have been before he paid regularly?

You can definitely be pissed off.

But you can't dwell on it. You will just make yourself feel bad and there's nothing you can do about his circumstances.

My ex spent £12k on a gambling site and told me. I was livid. There's me scrimping same as you and he's spending £12k on crap like that. In one night!!

Fast forward a few years and I've managed to buy at last.

He thinks nothing of spending £100 on a takeaway for himself (from the most expensive restaurant local to him) and he pays that for a month in csa payments.

You can't dwell on it or compare or you will drive yourself mad.

You just have to know you have been selfless and can sleep easy knowing you did the right thing by your child. You can't buy peace of mind.

Thank you everybody for your responses. Undoubtedly I made some very bad choices 8 years ago. I was way too soft on him and let him get away with so much because I felt guilty because he kept telling me he was the only one trying to keep the family together and that he only wanted to be able to tell DD when she was older that it was my decision to split us up not his. I have nothing to feel guilty about. For myself I absolutely did the right thing. It was a huge relief to be out

Sorry don't know how I posted that too soon . It was a huge relief to be away from his demands and attempts to control me however he could. I will never regret splitting from him.

From DD's point of view I'm happy she gets some security and her own bedroom at his, especially as she's nearly 11.

It may not sound it but I've moved on massively and as I said earlier I was surprised myself when I realised how resentful I felt because he could buy a house

There are posters on here who feel I'm BU and posters who don't ( more who think IABU tho )

I appreciate all your comments thank you

Of course he was totally morally bankrupt by not paying maintenance. But there is only so long that should have been tolerable and you had recourse. How much would it have been before he paid regularly?

They have 50:50 care it says in the o/p. So no maintenance.

The think you have to think is, hownisbthe resentment improving your life or situation?

Oh and re the sale of the house by the time it was sold we'd only lived in it as a family for 14 months then DD and I lived in it for a further 14 months ( he finally agreed to sell it after DD and I had been there on our own for 9 months )
I came out of it with just over £1000 which I used towards a deposit on my rental flat and moving costs. Ex H came out with similar once we'd paid EA and Solicitor fees

Your post is a lesson in why you should make an appropriate financial order .

YANBU to feel pissed off. I would too but dont give it too much headspace, it's one of them things unfortunately. Luckily for him he was able to sofa surf and save money up whilst you actually stepped up for you and your DD.

@TheStuffedPenguin how could we have done that? We didn't get divorced until nearly 3 years after we split and then he only agreed to a financial order if I paid for it

YABU. His inheritance came well after you split so you can't feel resentful that he has used that for his house deposit. You didn't need to get into debt to get your dd into the best school, it's reasonable to live in an area you can comfortably afford like most people have to. It sounds like he's not had it great living in a one bedroom flat for seven years. If you are on a low income then you can claim help with childcare costs.

this left me paying absolutely everything, mortgage, bills, nursery fees, shopping, petrol

You had 50/50 care, were you paying his mortgage, bills, shopping and petrol or yours?

If it was a mortgage on the marital home and you were both legally liable, mortgage & a big chunk of the utilities & council tax should have been split until you could sell up.

Yanbu if you ended up forced to pay nursery fees for the 50% of time he should have had your DD.

Petrol and shopping - your petrol your cost. Shopping same unless you mean he was not providing anything for your DD.

I will never, ever be able to buy anywhere*

I'm confused. You had a mortgage so presumably had bought - was this sold subsequently?

So, just checking, were you able to afford the mortgage on the house, but you then left it, to move into a rental property you can't afford? Or was it that you couldn't afford the mortgage either?

If it's the former, then I do think it's quite U for blaming you exh for being able to afford a house while you can't, because you gave up a house you would've owned a good chunk of by now.

I know it somerimes seems unfair though when someone gets money they haven't earned. But that's just the nature of inheritance.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland yes I was paying his mortgage, rent and all nursery fees plus fr everything DD needed clothes wise and food wise. If I hadn't paid the bills she'd have had no electricity, gas etc he also took the car because the bedroom he was renting at his mates was 'too far away ' to get the bus to work. I was without a car for 3 months so took the bus to work after taking DD to nursery every day, and then got one through a scheme at work as I had no spare money to be able to buy one.

Well it sounds like he manipulated you so he could get out of paying child maintenance in order to punish you financially, For all of his talk about "keeping the family together", when it came down to it he wasn't responsible for supporting his daughter.

You've got a right to feel resentful and maybe work through some of the things that happened during your relationship and the following split.

Why does he have 50:50 care when he's not bothered about things like school for your DD? He didn't even give her a bedroom for years. Together with the lack of maintenance this isn't a man who cares about his DD. A caring father would make sure his daughter never went short, whatever was going on between him and her mother.

YANBU. I am not surprised you feel pissed off. You are a great Mum who is looking out for your daughter's future by getting her into a good secondary school. If you had posted this 8 years ago many people would have posted quite different responses to a deadbeat dad. Be proud of yourself for battling through to pay for everything for yourself and your DD in very difficult circumstances

@Karabair i took him to court because we couldn't agree care arrangements.i went to mediation he didn't show. Cafcass were involved and he lied about so many things to them and to the judge during the 3 court hearings we had. I completely underestimated how far he would go
At the 3rd hearing the judge decided 50/50. At that point my solicitor advised me to take it. I was so worn down by that point and thousands of pounds out of pocket with no more to spare to fight him with that I agreed

YANBU. He left you in a terrible position, so deep that you will struggle to ever own a home, even though you were the one doing the heavy lifting when it came to your shared child. And now when he could make some of that up to both of you, he's bought himself a house while you continue to struggle to get out of the hole he left you in.

Don't blame you for feeling bitter.

I'm so sorry IndieTara. He sounds an absolute bastard, looking after himself and feathering his nest at the expense of everybody else. I'm sorry that your solicitor sounds like they were so useless too. Even if you weren't expecting what your ex would do, your solicitor should have known from experience.

You're not being unreasonable.