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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off XH is buying a house?

100 replies

IndieTara · 23/10/2019 16:35

My first ever AIBU, here goes...
Have been split from XH nearly 8 years and we are divorced. One DD aged 10 and we have a 50/50 shared care court order.

XH moved out into a friends spare room and left me to pay everything claiming he needed to be able to save a deposit so he could move into a rental. This left me paying for absolutely everything, mortgage, bills, nursery fees, shopping, petrol etc on just my salary.

I was the one who instigated the split as he was hell to live with for many many reasons. I think I felt so guilty that I just agreed to whatever he wanted just to get him out and away from me.

I ended up in loads of debt as for months and months he paid nothing, it absolutely decimated my credit score and I'm still not free of it.

I have been living in the equivalent of a 2 bed holiday chalet size property in the best area I can afford to be able to get DD into a great secondary school. It's a really expensive area, I'm always having to juggle which bills to pay and have very little disposable income.

He has lived in a one bed flat above a shop for the last 7 years and has just had an offer accepted on a 2 bed house, in an ok area. He came into a large sum of money when his mum died a couple of yrs ago so was able to put down a decent deposit.

I will never ever be able to buy somewhere.
And even though I know and fully appreciate that it's great for DD to have the security of him having his own home, I'm so resentful because he left me in so much debt and I will never have that same security.

So am I AIBU in my resentment?

OP posts:
Original poster
IndieTara · 23/10/2019 17:27

@BarrenFieldofFucks he refused to live in the house once we'd split because it ' held too many memories'
Then said I shouldn't move DD from the house as she'd be confused, it wAs her home, not fair on her etc etc

Then over a year later moved into a one bed flat where she had no bedroom of her own. He still lives there and she still has no bedroom

OP posts:
DoctorAllcome · 23/10/2019 17:27

I'll never be able to buy anywhere.

Don’t think like that! You will be if you put your mind to it. My friend divorced her husband of 28yrs and because she was the high earner had to pay her husband’s lawyer bills, court fees and monthly alimony. She also gave him the house in return for keeping her pension. She was 52yrs old and over $50k in debt after the divorce. Her credit was utterly ruined by the divorce. At the time, only 2 of their 5 kids lived with her- the rest were adults.

She lived in a double wide mobile home for 9yrs while last two kids finished high school. This allowed her to save like crazy. Then she bought a small home.

Citygirl2019 · 23/10/2019 17:28

Are you divorced? Was there a financial settlement? If not, seek advice.

Original poster
IndieTara · 23/10/2019 17:29

@bluebluezoo i don't think you've RTFT I quite clearly state I now live somewhere else and I didn't kick him out. I wanted to move out but he refused to stay and kicked up a big fuss about not moving DD from her home.

It was a big control thing with him. Yes still like it now

OP posts:
swingofthings · 23/10/2019 17:29

If the house was in his name, you could have left at anytime. It obviously got sold at some point, did you stay because it was cheaper to pay the mortgage than if you'd rented the same property?

As for staying so that your dd could have a place at a good secondary school, that was your choice, something he clearly wasn't so bothered with. Children can have a very good education and do very well in schools that are not rated good or outstanding. You can't blame him if you opted to stay somewhere more expensive and have a 2 bed place when he opted for a not so nice area and only 1 bedroom.

DoctorAllcome · 23/10/2019 17:29

I agree he owes you child maintenance. I’d definitely chase that up!

swingofthings · 23/10/2019 17:31

You could have still moved though, surely once you were separated, you were free to move where you wanted, whatever he thought was best for her.

Fantie · 23/10/2019 17:34

You split up with him - he left. Of course you had to pay all the bills on the place you lived InConfused If you wanted to downsize then you should of done it not long after the break up so that’s on you.

Yes he should of been paying maintenance but from your posts I’m guessing he didn’t for about a year? So he’s been paying for 9 years...

YABU and bitter. It was 10 years ago. He’s come into money that has nothing to do with you.

getoutofthatgarden202 · 23/10/2019 17:35

Your choice to split with him, your choice to live in an expensive area - you could probably be better off if you moved somewhere a bit more affordable ! None of this is your exes fault really! You are just jealous that you broke up with him and then he ended up in a better financial position than you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/10/2019 17:36

You resented him not giving her a bedroom. Now you resent him giving her a bedroom.

What could he do at this point that wouldn’t piss you off?

Original poster
IndieTara · 23/10/2019 17:43

@AnneLovesGilbert if you'd read my OP you'd see that I appreaciatr and acknowledge that him buying somewhere is good for DD so of course I don't resent her finally getting a bedroom

OP posts:
DuMondeB · 23/10/2019 17:43

You aren’t being unreasonable at all to feel this way.

Unfortunately it’s too late to go back in time and insist he pay proper child maintenance. I hope he’s paying you now?

Ultimately though, you’ll have to let it go, feeling resentful is understandable, but not useful to your wellbeing long term.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 23/10/2019 17:44

What happened when he sold the home you and dd lived in?

swingofthings · 23/10/2019 17:47

The reason why you are feeling aggrieved is because you are basing the worth of your decision based on his. Because his decisions has now benefited him, you are concluding that your decisions has negatively impacted on your life and putting the two together, concluding that what you see as wrong decisions are his fault.

For one, nothing says that you made the wrong decision. The fact that he can now own a house, again, doesn't mean that you never will be, or even less that he is bound to offer a better home for your daughter or that is future is forcibly more assured than yours.

Even if it was, you can't hold him responsible for the decisions that you made. Even if he influenced you to some extent, you were separated and you had the freedom to do what you deemed best for your and your dd at that time.

Remember that in your dd's eye, it is not a competition between the two of her parents. She loves you both in your own entity, even if one has less to offer the other in one area (when likely to offer more in another anyway).

PookieDo · 23/10/2019 17:47

Feel similar
Ex left me with £20k debt, took all of his equity though and bought a new car
Gives me pittance maintenance of £60pm for years and years
Hardly ever gets the DC anything at all, not even on birthdays and is always telling them he’s skint

Just bought a 4 bed house, had all the windows done, guttering, kitchen etc. He has 1 small child who lives in it. My DD sleeps in a small cupboard room with no blind surrounded by junk. He has 2 incomes I have only 1 and have to drive DC to absolutely everything, he never even comes to parents evenings

There is something about this type of person which boils my blood. YANBU

monkeymonkey2010 · 23/10/2019 17:54

You're CHOOSING to live in an expensive area - you can always move to a cheaper area and your DD can go to a different school.
She doesn't HAVE to go to this one particular school that requires living in an expensive area to meet catchment criteria.

It's only going to get more expensive as she gets older and builds her own social life which you will have to fund.....then of course the extra costs of "keeping up with the Jones's" which you've already bought into.

Did you get any money from the sale of his house?

Jaxhog · 23/10/2019 17:59

The key question is, does he also pay a proper wack towards caring for his daughter? If he does, then YABU, if not then YANBU.

Soontobe60 · 23/10/2019 18:00

You absolutely did not need to stay in a house you couldn't afford. That was your decision. I'm not sure why he would pay the mortgage if he didn't live there anymore? And if it was in his name, any debt for non payment would have been his. It sounds like he lived within his means and you didn't.

BeatriceTheBeast · 23/10/2019 18:03

Sorry, how did you have a mortgage in your last house, but now you are renting? Did you not get anything from the sale of your house.

I do think YABU tbh, as you instigated the split, then had 50/50 responsibility for your dc, his mum has died and now he can afford to buy somewhere. He must have contributed a bit to the house you shared too. He doesn't win any prizes for that, but I also don't think he's done anything terrible or unfair. Unless I'm missing something.

Anotherlongdrive · 23/10/2019 18:09

OP, you need to forget him.

You need to forget what choices you made back then. Hating him isnt making your situation better.

Take that energy and work on your financial situation and general situation.

AnyOldPrion · 23/10/2019 18:09

That’s shitty. I’m with you on this Indie. I completely understand the guilt and letting him away with whatever he says. I recently split from my husband and he’s financially way better off than I am, but he still kicks off over shared costs and I pay them because it’s easier than trying to get blood out of a stone.

But try to remember how much better your life is without him. He’s shat on you, but you can’t go back and do anything different. You have to move on from where you are. I am so much looking forward to DS being old enough that I no longer have to be in contact and I can stop being dragged back in to the up and down feelings he still manages to inspire because he’s a selfish asshole.

Your time will come. I’m aiming eventually for a tiny flat. I’m 50, so I don’t know if I’ll ever manage, but when I don’t need to be near school, I can move somewhere much cheaper.

Hang in there.

billy1966 · 23/10/2019 18:12

OP,

Of course YANBU.

You have carried the load over the years and supported your DD to the detriment of your credit rating.

However, he came by the money, he is ahead of you financially, having put himself ahead of his DD always.

Plonked.

You have every right to be pissed off.

Give yourself a certain amount of time to feel like that and then try and move on.

He's not worth it.

It sounds like you are a great Mum who has really focused on her child having the best future possible.

Be very proud of yourself.💐

Oblomov19 · 23/10/2019 18:15

You moved out of the house, because of memories? And he sold it and you got no share of the profits?

BeatriceTheBeast · 23/10/2019 18:15

And you're right that it's a lot better for your dd that one of her parents has bought a house. That might help her in the future.

BeatriceTheBeast · 23/10/2019 18:16

And he sold it and you got no share of the profits?

Hang on, what? This changes things completely. How the fuck did that happen?

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