AIBU to be pissed off XH is buying a house?

[IndieTara]

My first ever AIBU, here goes...
Have been split from XH nearly 8 years and we are divorced. One DD aged 10 and we have a 50/50 shared care court order.

XH moved out into a friends spare room and left me to pay everything claiming he needed to be able to save a deposit so he could move into a rental. This left me paying for absolutely everything, mortgage, bills, nursery fees, shopping, petrol etc on just my salary.

I was the one who instigated the split as he was hell to live with for many many reasons. I think I felt so guilty that I just agreed to whatever he wanted just to get him out and away from me.

I ended up in loads of debt as for months and months he paid nothing, it absolutely decimated my credit score and I'm still not free of it.

I have been living in the equivalent of a 2 bed holiday chalet size property in the best area I can afford to be able to get DD into a great secondary school. It's a really expensive area, I'm always having to juggle which bills to pay and have very little disposable income.

He has lived in a one bed flat above a shop for the last 7 years and has just had an offer accepted on a 2 bed house, in an ok area. He came into a large sum of money when his mum died a couple of yrs ago so was able to put down a decent deposit.

I will never ever be able to buy somewhere.
And even though I know and fully appreciate that it's great for DD to have the security of him having his own home, I'm so resentful because he left me in so much debt and I will never have that same security.

So am I AIBU in my resentment?

I think saying he left her is a bit much if she asked him to leave, no? Obviously, that doesn't give him a free pass not to pay child maintenance if he wasn't caring for the child, except that the op explicitly did give him that free pass. Now she regrets it, but only because he's in a position to buy a house and she isn't. His good fortune, (although someone dying obviously isn't great), doesn't really change anything for the op. She has lived her life and made her own choices, including leaving a house she would have owned a good chunk of by now to rent somewhere she can't afford the rent? I don't know if that was a choice, but if so, that's hardly a reason to resent the exh who she asked to leave?

I can see how each of them would be resentful; him for being asked to leave his house, which he didn't want to sell. Her because he didn't pay for his child for a year? Maybe he genuinely couldn't at that point as he was unexpectedly out of his family home and even had the courts been involved they'd have said he can't pay. Who knows though, as the op let him off?

And if the op had posted eight years ago that she was doing this, people wouldn't have gone easy on her at all. It would have been the usual posts about CM. That isn't YOUR money you aren't chasing, it's your children's money etc. Totally pointless to say that now obviously but equally pointless to let this resentment build against the exh.

@BeatriceTheBeast i couldn't afford the mortgage on my own, the rental I wanted to move to was much cheaper. The rental I eventually moved to was much cheaper

@BeatriceTheBeast you have it the wrong way round. I didn't ask him to leave the family home. I wanted to leave it with DD and for him to stay there as it was in his name

Sounds like you've just given him a free pass too. He didn't support his child. That's unforgivable.

And @BeatriceTheBeast I wish I had been on MN back then to post about it. The advice I'd have been given would have changed the way I handled things completely

That's to Beatrice.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Yanbu to feel aggrieved but there is nothing you can do about the past and the future is open to anything.

i couldn't afford the mortgage on my own, the rental I wanted to move to was much cheaper. The rental I eventually moved to was much cheaper

Ah, thanks for clarifying op. It makes a lot more sense now that you sold up.

@Karabair

I don't think I have given him a free pass at all tbh, as if it's my place to.

It doesn't sound like anyone has had the best of lives since the split. It's not as if he's been living in luxury. It sounds very sad all round tbh, with him sofa surfing (which counts as being homeless) and the op forced out of her home into a rental she can't afford. What a mess and what a good illustration of what a state we are in with lack of affordable housing.

Obviously though, the split was for the best, as the op sounds like she was deeply unhappy.

I'm not one of those people who always takes the side of the exh and I am absolutely not on his side in this case either. But I don't think it's as clear cut as some posters are saying with "he didn't pay for his child which is unforgivable". Use all the hyperbole you want, I don't happen to think at this stage it's right and it's certainly not healthy for the op to get riled about this house he has bought. Especially seeing as the op herself says that it's a good thing for her dd.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Yanbu to feel aggrieved but there is nothing you can do about the past and the future is open to anything.

Or, to put it more succinctly, this^^.

What would you have the op do @Karabair, other than get riled up into a frenzy of "he's a total bastard, unforgivable" etc?

But I must say I do get why, now the op has clarified, how she ended up where she is and it must be very annoying for her that her exh has landed on his feet, with a 'good' luck windfall.

@BeatriceTheBeast of course it's not healthy but obviously I'll get past it. He just keeps trying to talk to me about it and wants me to be all congratulatory about it to him. He even wanted me to go and look at houses with him ffs.

Oh God op, I imagine he wants you to think "what a prize; I wish I'd never divorced him" . Does he think he's Mr Darcy showing off Pemberley ?

But you know you did the right thing. So try not to get annoyed about it. Who knows what's round the corner?

@BeatriceTheBeast i stopped trying to analyse the things he says and does years ago. I pick him up on the things that affect DD but other than that I try to not engage

I pick him up on the things that affect DD but other than that I try to not engage

Good for you. Keep it up op. You're doing brilliantly.

Do not get swept up in the "HE'S A BASTARD" froth. You are better than that .

@TheStuffedPenguin how could we have done that? We didn't get divorced until nearly 3 years after we split and then he only agreed to a financial order if I paid for it

What ? You were obviously too soft as you said. You should have applied to court for one .

Yabu.

@TheStuffedPenguin when we got divorced we did get a financial order as I paid for it!

How much do you think he owes you OP, have you ever worked it out?

@Karabair no it's not something I've ever wanted to do I try to distance myself from him

@TheStuffedPenguin when we got divorced we did get a financial order as I paid for it!

Yes but what I am saying is you should have got a solicitor or mediated or court decided one but then you know that now.

@TheStuffedPenguin my divorce solicitor sorted it. Doesn't that count?

Well he didn't do a very good job , did he/she?

@TheStuffedPenguin I don't understand why you would say that. You've obviously surmised something that's gone completely over my head.
When the house was finally sold there was very little equity as we'd only lived there less than 3 years And as I said before it was shared ownership. Once the estate agents and solicitors fees had been paid there was around £2200 left which we split.
The financial order was mainly to protect my pension.
How could I have done it better?

XH moved out into a friends spare room and left me to pay everything claiming he needed to be able to save a deposit so he could move into a rental. This left me paying for absolutely everything, mortgage, bills, nursery fees, shopping, petrol etc on just my salary.

I ended up in loads of debt as for months and months he paid nothing, it absolutely decimated my credit score and I'm still not free of it.

YANBU I can completely understand why you feel it is unfair. While it might feel like it now, you never know what's round the corner and what might be possible in the future. I wish you all the best Op .

It would be very painful to know just how much money he had cheated you and your daughter out of OP. On the other hand it might help to draw a line under it if you could actually name a figure. It would certainly help you to see things more clearly.