Anyone else have a sister who makes them feel like shit?

[Iamnotagoddess]

Anyone?

Please share.

My sister just will never ever get how she hurts me sometimes

Hello everyone! I’ve definately found my tribe!

I have a really difficult relationship with my sister. There’s many phrases i’ve Read on this thread that apply, such as feeling that she just doesn’t care about me, she’s selfish, can never admit she’s wrong or apologise.

We had fights all our lives, but it’s definately got worse as we’ve had kids and our parents have died.

Things my sister has done.

• got pregnant deliberately with her shock third baby when I told her I was pregnant with my first at 4 weeks , and proceeded to spend the pregnancy monopolising family support due to her “nightmare pregnancy”

/Spent the period leading up to my wedding monopolising family attention with her marital problems.

-after spending months badmouthing her husband to the whole family and demanding support, reconciled and brought him to my wedding, making for a very awkward day.

• turns every situation around to be about her , from my mother’s death, to my children’s disabilities.

Like another poster, I try really really hard to grey rock her so My children can maintain a relationship with their cousins.

It’d be far less painfull to go n/c. I totally agree, she sucks the life out of me

Jesus. I always wanted a sister. Maybe I dodged a bullet.

So sorry for all your pain

i can relate. i have 3 older sisters and an older brother and they share the same dad, myself and my younger brother share the same dad. my sisters resented the fact my dad was there always for me and my brother and their dad abandoned them... our mum was emotionally unavailable to us and our childhood was neglectful at best with our mum but even to this day my sisters put me down, try to portray themselves as the best mums in the world when in reality they are far from it. after so many years ive realised that (and i dont mean it to be cockyish) i am a better person than them in so many ways and i dont need them in my life to be happy. it was hard when i reduced the contact to the absolute bare minimum because i felt anger and resentment. but i realised they didnt care it wasnt affecting them so i just decided that i wasnt giving them the time of the day anymore. my 3 boys and my partner are my happiness not them. your are a better person than her and you dont need her. when you realise it deep down you will wonder why you even have a shit in the first place.

My older sister.

She has- I realised belatedly- been pretty toxic a lot of my life.
Thinks she is hard done by, but really is the perpetrator. I think she displays Narcissistic traits.

My mother died- 3 hours later, she emptied her flat and gave everything to charity. I have not a single memento of my lovely mum- i will never forgive her for that day. She screamed at me saying ' I have just lost my mother'....I stood there with mouth agape.(yes my mother too).
Another time, she spent days teasing my (then) small daughter and making her cry- then I did something silly in return - my sister stormed off and refused to speak to me. Complete over reaction.
Next day she was back teasing my daughter, so we had to leave her house.
She fell out with her son as he married a girl from many counties (and several hours) away- sister was devastated that he abandoned his mummy. She has been a complete toxic bitch to his very lovely wife.
My nephew and his wife then had a daughter with a lot of health complications and has spent a lot of time in intensive care. Sister blamed wife for giving birth to a sickly child (WTF).
Then ranted to me when they did not send her a birthday card- while the child was on life support.
I am very close to nephew and wife but they are NC- obviously.

Sister is married to a lovely man, has had no more traumas in life than anyone else, so I am not sure why she has become so toxic. Or was I blinded by my love for my sister?
I could list a 100 things she has done which are spiteful.

I have now gone NC and looking back can see loads of awful things she has done over my life to me. One of my oldest friends said "it was obvious to all that she was a cow, but how could I tell you that?".

My life is so much more pleasant without her but I feel for my 2 kids that they have very little family.

My sister describes herself as sassy and believes everybody loves her for this ‘sassy’ attitude she has. In reality she is blunt, rude and mean. She doesn’t understand how hurtful her comments can be, and how much they stick. Im sorry others are struggling with shit sisters.

Yep.

She’s a thief, violent, created elaborate social media hate campaigns against me and her boyfriend’s ex (the father of his stepchild that lives with them),

She shared Facebook posts that my violent ex posted about how psycho or abusive I was to our children, saying to all my family on her Friendlist, ‘Look at her! She’s an evil monster! Even the kids’s Dad thinks so!’

Despite the fact she’s witnessed him being abusive himself...

She is now a self styled ‘Charity’ volunteer (collects old clothes on Facebook and re-distributes in the community “Or you can donate cash to my community pot”). She’s long term unemployed...

Her boyfriend you may remember from before, is the man who fathered a child with a 13 year old girl when he was 35. She dismisses him as being ‘harmless’ or having ‘made mistakes’. My pre-teen daughter used to sleep in the same house as him before I found out this about him.

I don’t talk to her. She’s one highly damaged individual. She will probably even post on this thread replicating my own post, in some messed-up sinister form of trying to let me know she’s ‘watching’.

The ‘charity’ thing will catch her out. Nobody can keep up a charade forever. Luckily for her she goes by half a dozen different surnames so she’s difficult to catch out.

Most often wondered, “but why do the rest of the family put up with her if they know what game she’s playing??” Answer is, I think I’ve finally learnt, for the same reason nobody stood up to my violent ex on my behalf I suppose, they just don’t want to get involved.

My younger sister says exactly that to me. I know what she’s like, but I don’t want to get involved. It just makes me think, you don’t have to take a side younger sis, but you could at least take a stand . I can’t get close to my beloved younger sis because I don’t want her to feel split in different directions.

My family are highly dysfunctional though, it will never change. The day my sister and my mother (another story...) leave this earth for good, I will have the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders.

It’s like carrying a secret around that you think nobody else will believe you about, that the seemingly happy, extravert, joyous, productive, and friendly other sister with so many friends, is actually a vindictive, violent, sinister and oppressive manipulator.

I tried ‘proving’ this by involving the police against her, but she responded in kind by also calling the police onto me. You can’t fight fire with fire. I’m defeated.

They’re terrified people will see through them, so they become impeccable liars and orchestrators of everything. What a bloody crushing responsibility that must be. Or maybe she just enjoys the challenge.

Brother rather than sister in my case. I do not want to go into the whole story but I can say that have realised that the relationship cannot work and am now estranged.

What helped me to decide was that I realised he was using me as a ‘figure’ to play a certain role in his life. A ‘balancing item’, a scapegoat. Thanks to his actions and lies I’m also cut off from a large section of my family and he enjoys this very much while expecting me to want to be friends with him. He actually thinks I’m obliged to have a relationship with him.

He has never got over me cutting him out of my life. He continues to harass me every now and again in an attempt to reframe the narrative to one that is more acceptable to him.

I can (sort of) laugh now but I have been through hell.

Me!

Mine hasn't forgiven me for being born and taking away her status of being an only child that she had held for 11 years, 40 years after the fact!

I would break MN listing everything she's done to me over the years. She can't cope with me being the centre of attention, throwing two tantrums at my graduation because she wasn't in the centre of the family photo and she hadn't chosen the restaurant we ate at (since, funnily enough, I had being as how it was my graduation). She'd graduated twice by this point so not as if she'd missed out, but she just can't cope with not being the centre of attention. In a hypothetical conversation about my wedding my mother pointed out I'd have to give her a special job to do to make her feel important - at the time she would have been about 35, not 3. I'm not married, and this is one of the reasons why.

My mum is scared of her, so her tantrums usually result in her being mollified and me being pushed to the side, which makes me feel like shit but she just doesn't care. So long as she's ok that's all that matters.

I could go on. I'm very LC and once our mother dies will go NC. She seems oblivious most of the time and thinks we're best pals, though she did ask mum last year what my problem with her was. That self-awareness didn't last long - she reckons she should be my birth partner in 4 months time. Only because she could then make it all about her! (Never mind that both DP and myself would much prefer that he was my BP - our feelings on the matter don't count, obviously!)

Am dreading her visiting post birth. Really need to find the courage to tell her she isn't welcome, whilst not provoking a screaming fit to my mother. I'm more than willing to visit her, I just don't want her here for a week taking over.

Not me personally but I know two local girls and their relationship (or rather the relationship with the wider family) is sooo shocking and awful. Sister A is a certified lunatic, pathological liar, fantasist, tells so many lies and stories, she's had cancer (she hasn't) she's been made redundant multiple times (got sacked), racked up 1000's on a credit card but somehow got away with it despite going to court, constantly stalked by every ex-boyfriend, all boyfriends have abused her in some way (they haven't).. It's a constant stream of lies, drama and unbelievably wilder and wilder stories. Sister B is just a nice quiet girl trying to get on with her life and see's the sister for what she is. Hard working, honest, nice house, nice job, nice husband, nice life. I was more friends with their mother than to two of them but I knew all three and got to hear the stories from every side of the coin. I always believed Sister B over Sister A because the stories never added up, had more holes in them than swiss cheese and always came about when things were going to go tits up and a distraction was needed. Guess which one was the Golden Child? Yup it was Sister A..

@SnagAndChips
I have now gone NC and looking back can see loads of awful things she has done over my life to me. One of my oldest friends said "it was obvious to all that she was a cow, but how could I tell you that?".

This is almost exactly what my husband said. NC started with a poisonous diatribe of an email from my younger sister, it was long and premeditated. Then she told me not to contact her until I was ready to apologise.

I did my usual of immediately trying to contact her to apologise (for her viciousness), but she wouldn’t answer my calls - I guess it wasn’t enough to put me in my place, she wanted to punish me too. Trouble was it backfired on her, and after a night’s sleep it sunk in how nasty she’d been. Husband said afterwards he was glad she did it, because it opened my eyes to what he could always see, but had stayed silent about.

It’s interesting on this kind of thread to see how predictable these toxic people are. They think they are very special indeed, but they are following a common pattern of bad behaviour!

Three and a half years later and I am not “ready to apologise”. My life is so much better without her in it!

@Cosmos45

Every single bit of your post is my exact situation. It’s a long shot but I really hope you know me in real life and mean my family - all I ever hope for is that outsiders - or even my own family - can see my sister for what she really is, and that they believe me over her.

If you don’t know me in real life, then it’s just as scary to think so many people are going through what I’m going through too. I want to give to all of you.

@Weymo - reading back through your post I don't think I know you. Sorry it's so shite for you. The girl I know, well I don't know how she hasn't had a nervous breakdown to be honest. Her mother takes her sisters side. so does the extended family. The sister is honestly a complete and utter lunatic - belies belief the stuff she comes out with. I honestly cannot understand how people can't see it - unless! they DO see it but are powerless to do anything so go along with it for an easy life and take their frustrations out on the "nice" daughter.

@TimeIhadaNameChange please don't arrange your life around what will stop your sister going nuts - we all know better than anyone she will go nuts anyway. Please, especially if you have a baby on the way, decide you will do what is best for you and your family. Expect her to flip, and think through everything she'll do and worse, and mentally prepare - and then do what you were going to do anyway, you'll feel stronger and happier for it. Get married if you want to, make yourselves happy.

And seriously, with 4 months to go, you have time to set your stall out now as to how your baby's birth and afterwards is going to play out. I personally would send a family text (if you have a group chat) or make a new one adding your close family called 'baby timeihadanamechange - news and pics' and say something like 'hi everyone, I made this chat for news and pics about the baby so I don't spam you all!' And then update a few days later with 'dh and I just arranged to have the baby at xyz birth centre / home birth date / hospital - so excited, he'a getting so into it - he's going to be the best birth partner ever! Due date is (two weeks after the actual date). My midwife has said I'll need to take it easy after the birth so we won't be having anyone to stay but will invite you to come visit as soon as we catch our breath after she's/he's here.'

Then everyone has the plan taking the wind out of her sails if she tries to throw a strop - you've shown you're being reasonable and have got out ahead of her. Your dh can be prepped to run interference and make sure she keeps any poisonous influence away from you - and if she's going to cause a drama, better she does it now rather than right before you give birth. X

I think you might be right Cosmos45. My family are all very clever at ‘reading people’, I’m the only one who can’t really, so I’m sure they know what my other sister is really like and as you say they choose o ignore it for an easy life.

The fractures it causes amongst everyone is horrendous. Even at funerals and weddings, they all split off into their little groups to keep the exiled members at bay.

Awful situation, and it’s the youngest generation that suffer, because they miss out on not seeing various members of family.

I'm not married and this is one of the reasons why

@TimeIhadaNameChange

Much of your post resonates with me

It was at my sisters own wedding that I realised that I would never be able to have a traditional wedding and would have to elope or have a quickie do and be all like "Surprise! We got married!"

She would ruin it for me. She's never been happy for me in her life. The sad bit is that I couldn't invite my Mum who would be so upset with me but equally is incapable of keeping a secret and would say to my sister

"I'm not suppose to tell you but Vanya's getting married"

My Mum isn't I don't think deliberately malicious but she repeats everything and gets offended when you're upset about it.

Equally complex is children, safe to say if I had a child my sister's resentment would be nuclear and you'd be able to see it from space.

I'm VLC but I think I'd have to go NC should I successfully conceive. I don't think she'd pose a physical risk to my child, but I think she would be extremely unkind and hypercritical finding fault with me or my child at any excuse, much as she did with me growing up.

Contrary to a previous poster if you have a problematic member of your immediate family you DO have to plan your life around them and their likely behaviour to minimise their capacity to ruin things. It's endlessly frustrating but a necessary skill.

@stophuggingme

-Yes. Yes. And yes.-
-Did I say yes?-

-Read the book.Bought the t shirt. Seen the movieI’ve also seen the sequel. And the prequel.-

-Becoming a mother made her even worse. She is absolutely fucking hideous, her paranoia, aggression and controlling tendencies are unbearable.-

-I was a really loyal and loving sister to her. No longer. I feel like an only child.-

I can relate to so many on here but this resonated with me a lot. Utter raging psychopath, too much and too painful to go into really. But it really is all about her. Pure poison.