Anyone else have a sister who makes them feel like shit?

[Iamnotagoddess]

Anyone?

Please share.

My sister just will never ever get how she hurts me sometimes

[ThighThighOfthigh]

Tbh though, i don't give a shit anymore. We're just not compatible and i don't think about her, i respond carefully and neutrally to texts from her but that's all.

[stophuggingme]

I’m really sad to read some of these stories but I know how it feels.
I have been there too, and at my lowest ebb, at vulnerable points in my life and darkest loneliest hours she literally turned her back on me and blocked me in every way.

She devastated me.

[changedtempforprivacy]

I have a very difficult relationship with my twin sister,

I was in an abusive marriage - I was financially, emotionally and finally physically abused, so I left him, pregnant to protect my child. I did everything I could to help my ex-husband become well, but he was an alcoholic and I could not help him. In the end I had to protect myself and my child. My twin sided with him. Describes my behaviour to my ex husband as “vile”. Despite everything I encourage a relationship between my ex-husband and our child. I divorced him, but have never treated him cruelly.

It was a high risk pregnancy, so my mother invited me to live with her during the pregnancy and post partum. Throughout this period I did not take financial advantage and helped with chores, and paid for increased hours for the cleaner. I paid my mother twice the board my brother and sister living at home were paying ( to cover bills) – one part for me, one part for my infant. I was unwell with post natal depression and anxiety, and so my mother, sister living at home, another sister who lives locally and my brother living at home all helped me care for my baby, and of course, formed close bonds living with her for the first year of her life. I know it can’t have been an easy time for my mum and siblings, as I was so unwell, but equally they say living with my daughter and seeing her steps, hearing her first words was very special.

After a year in the family home, I bought a house locally, but my siblings and mother want to spend time with my child, and they also help me with the school run – willingly. I use wrap around care too, but they want to be involved in her school life. In the last 3 months, at the age of 4, my daughter sleeps over at my mum’s once a week - I deliver her fed, bathed and in her pyjamas – she goes to sleep and my mum drops her to school in the morning enabling me to get to work early one day a week. A huge help to me, and my daughter likes it better than breakfast club. My twin sister is very bitter about the relationship between my daughter and her granny, uncle and other aunties - who she accuses me of using as unpaid babysitters. I have paid full time nursery fees and pay for wrap around childcare. I facilitate the relationships because she needs other family relationships not just me, a male role model (my brother, my brother in law), aunties, a granny. Not for free childcare! My family are willing to babysit odd evenings, I am very grateful, but my mother is hard work. My daughter’s nursery key worker will babysit her at my house for £5 an hour – which would be much easier for me actually, but it is better for my child to have a loving granny and for my mum to have time with her only and much longed for grandchild.


My twin has self-diagnosed me with a personality disorder. I don’t have a personality disorder. I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder after episode of mania 20 years ago, predominantly I suffer from depression, and as I have recognised in more recent years anxiety. Despite this I have not been a burden to anyone, I have a professional career etc. My MH issues have caused me suffering, and of course worry to my parents and siblings, , but I have never lashed out etc.

It suits her to claim I have borderline personality disorder. I don’t – but I do have sympathy for those that do, it is often a reaction to childhood . I did have a traumatic childhood, I was the family scapegoat, I suffered sexual abuse, so I understand why my sister may think I might have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, but I never have been and have clearly told her that. It is easier to say I have a personality disorder than to use empathy to me.

What’s hardest though is that my sister is a nice person – to other people, but unable to show the same kindness to me. She gives to charity, she is kind and thoughtful – to others. Completely different to me though - throws in my face things that happened in childhood. I was more “popular “ than her at school – this has been reframed as me stealing all her friends. I decided to apply to the same prestigious university she had ear marked for herself, we both went – different collages, different courses, she frames this as me stealing her uni experience from her. She has told me her therapist has told her I have tired to steal every good thing in her life from her. I have always supported her through her hard times. At my lowest time – divorcing, pregnant, suffering from depression and anxiety to the extent they wanted to admit me as an inpatient – she didn’t bother to come and see me – she lived 30 minutes away by tube. She did however tell me that if I wasn’t willing to pay my unemployed, abusive ex husband to live in my house and raise our child for the next 18 years, then I should have an abortion. Because that’s all I worth. It’s my job to work and for him to enjoy being a parent.

I have now had enough. It’s a toxic relationship. I don’t hate my twin, but I don’t want to be around her, and I don’t want my daughter exposed to all of this dysfunction. My other sibling relationships are calm, mutually respectful friendships and a 2 way street. I can’t ever see this being a possibility with my twin and it hurts, I want to just walk away from it now. When I do however the push back is incredible. I am accused of using my daughter as a pawn, and depriving her of contact with my twin sister (who doesn’t have children). To her detriment. My child has 2 loving aunts already. She does not lack love, attention or extended family. I want to protect her from the toxicity of the relationship between her me and my twin. My child doesn’t need it and has enough dysfunction (from her father and paternal family) in her life already. I wonder if I had not always been in such an abusive relationship with my twin – who always bullied me – would I have ended up in an abusive marriage. I just want to draw a line in the dysfunction now and not continue this down the generations.

[WhenPushComesToShove]

Sometimes you need to give up on people, not because you don't care but because they don't. Read this somewhere and thought how true. My question is why would you continue to maintain a connection to someone so toxic to you. I have recently cut ties with 3 similar people and have never looked back

[cauliflowersqueeze]

You really want a close relationship with her. But she doesn’t.
The best you can do for her and for you is to hide her FB, detach and put her right in the background of your life.

She can be backstage. She doesn’t have to be a leading lady with you. I would have it in my mind that you are ready to re-start a relationship with her when she comes forward and asks.

[SpamChaudFroid]

Mine recently went NC with me. She's always shouted over me during every conversation. I don't mean just a bit of interrupting, but somebody shouting over every word I say - almost as if she was ringing a therapist to have her weekly rage. Anytime I'm able to get a word in, it's met with complete disinterest.

She rang me on my birthday, asked what I'd got, (nothing.) then went straight on to complain about how she'd had nothing on her last birthday. I pointed out she'd had a card from our mother with a ridiculously large cheque, and that I'd sent a gift and card. She continued interrupting and shouting over me until the call ended.

I sent her a message asking her not to continuously talk over me because it makes me feel like shit, (like the thread title) she responded to this by blocking me on SM.

Tbh, it feels like a bit of a relief, because she's a chronic alcoholic and anorexic, like a PPs sister and I was worried about her being my responsibility in the future, even though she's 8 years older than me. She can look after herself now.

[Numptydumptycat]

I’m really sad to read some of these stories but I know how it feels.
I have been there too, and at my lowest ebb, at vulnerable points in my life and darkest loneliest hours she literally turned her back on me and blocked me in every way.

She devastated me

This is more or less what happened with my sister but to be fair to her I think she could say the same. 2 very different but probably equally damaging reactions for each other to our childhood abuse from the same abuser have lead us down extremely different paths.

I hear her no ill will but I don’t think we will ever be in each other’s lives again.

[RueCambon]

Wow. That sounds like a complicated relationship. Id hide her on fb. Small step. But from now on let her be out of your thoughts unless she visits you.

[ThePolishWombat]

Feels like my sister and I were destined to dislike eachother from the moment I was born She visited the hospital when I was a day old and told my mum she needed to take me away because she didn’t want a sister after all
All through childhood, we argued and physically fought to the point of actually breaking each others bones.
As adults, we are just completely opposite personalities - if we weren’t related, there’s no way we would ever have a reason to speak to each other.
She works in childcare, and constantly criticising my parenting. (while apparently forgetting her own DC is a real foul git )

[beethebee]

My sister is quite like this, always a drama, always critical and judgemental, sooo passive aggressive, incredibly flaky and constantly putting friends over family except when she wants something. You can never tell if she'll be lovely or appallingly, impossibly moody at any given moment.

In the end after a terrible blowout from her in front of my DC I couldn't take it any more, blocked her on everything and went NC.

My life is a lot more peaceful now.

[Orangeblossom78]

No sister here- I don't have one, have always thought it would have been nice...but reading these it makes me realise what the reality might have been like. Perhaps it has been a lucky escape! I think friends can be more like sisters really. At least you have the choice to have them.

[BenjiCat]

It's really reassuring to read other's experiences and knowing you are not alone!

I feel that I've always had a somewhat 'strained' relationship with my sister and feel envious in of others who see their sister as 'their best friend'. We've never had that type of relationship. I used to put it down to different personalities, her having a bit of a hard time, simply falling out during adolescence (like normal teenagers), a bit of an age gap, living in different parts of the country, her simply being a little childish etc. etc.

However, over the last year some significant events seem to have brought it all it to a head and I've realised what a negative, selfish, passive aggressive and manipulative drama queen she is. She really does not give a damn about me.

We've now been NC for several months. Her choice for a perceived 'slight' / manipulative behaviour I decide to call out (or rather I finally stood up for myself). Although I wasn't sure if I could forgive her behaviour I thought I'd try to talk about it like adults, extend an olive branch and move on. She doesn't want to know.

I really relate to others when they look back and say about being forever 'put down' or your accomplishments being ignored, her always being the victim, her never making any effort (but you're criticised and told how awful you are when you don't bother).

The thing is I want to just 'let it go' and move on. But I can't help but be quite sad about the whole thing and grieve for the sisterly relationship we're never going to have.

[botanicalart]

I used to worship my sister.

Unfortunately once my child was born my loyalties shifted

i would always chose my child over my sister

[ThePolishWombat]

friends can be more like sisters really

This times a million!
I have two very close friends that I trust implicitly and would ask them for any kind of favour/support before I’d ask my sister.

[Iamnotagoddess]

Sad to hear others are in the same boat but it’s comforting

[ArsenicGreen]

I will be angry all night if I start about mine. My life is a simpler place since I stopped trying to accommodate her bile. I spent most of my childhood being forced to take responsibility for her and even getting blamed for her not doing well at school. Apparently I should have taught her to read, not her teachers or parents, me her older sister. So it’s all my fault she has a crappy job, a shitty husband and lazy children. She showed her true colours clearing through my DMs things after she died and I am so glad I saw that because I no longer carry any guilt.

[ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule]

Can I join you all in the boat?

I've tried so hard over the last few years with my sister. I've now given up. I'm NC with her because she's blanked me for half a year. Literally turned on her heels and stalked away from me on the school run every day. She's been involved in recent irreparable damage to my relationship with my parents, not that it was ever fantastic but it's now so shit that I don't see a way around it. She'd throw me under a bus without hesitation if it made her look good for even a nanosecond to the person she was talking to.

I've started threads only to chicken out of actually posting them so many times just to get validation that I'm not a crazy person who is totally imagining reality, but our circumstances are too outing. I don't know if she's even on here but if she saw I'd posted on here about our family she'd go fucking apeshit and I'd probably be called to the family home to have print outs of anything I'd said online laid out in front of me. She makes me doubt myself, and she's a constant reminder that I'm not good enough as a person. Nothing I ever do will make it up to my parents what a failure I am.

It does make me unbelievably sad a lot of the time, but I have amazing SILs to make up for it

[Dacquoise]

Hi Goddess,

You do realise that you're not obliged to have a relationship with your 'sister' don't you? If your reaction to her behaviour is making you unhappy perhaps have a think about how much, if any, time you want to spend with her. You won't be able to change or control the way she behaves but you can limit or walk away from it, especially as it's hurting you so much. She is triggering your response.

Best thing I ever did was to walk away. Not suggesting you do the same but there is a certain release and regaining of equilibrium that comes from just not being around this type of person.

[LaLoba]

I’m the older sister, who gets treated like a fuck up by my younger sister. I was defacto mum growing up, as our mother was terrifying in her rage at having to do anything whatsoever to care for her numerous children. So from age 7 I was changing her nappies, looking after her when she was sick, making sure school uniforms were clean and ironed, etc. I tried always to treat her with respect as an adult as I didn’t want to be responsible for anyone else feeling like I did.

She turned me into a doormat, and I let her - I can really relate to what you said about being a different person around her, OP.

It took me years to realise she was competing with me, I had to go NC before I could see things clearly. She had me believing that things I was good at, even excelled at, she could do better. It took my husband’s “not in the family” eyes to point out that some things I enjoy, like swimming and running for example, are objectively measurable, and I am clearly better at than her. I genuinely just agreed with her and told her what she needed to hear, which was that she was the best at everything she did.

When I got divorced after my first marriage was when she really began to overtly treat me like an incompetent. She came to my wedding a few years ago and blanked me throughout - at my own wedding. We haven’t had any contact since, and despite the horrible fall out in my family, it’s the best decision I’ve ever made. Anxiety has gone, and I have more time for healthy relationships with good people. Life is good, and anyone on this thread who has gone through this kind of crap deserves a peaceful life! Best wishes to all.

[YetiAnotherName]

Yes sadly I am Nc with my sister for the last 10 years and it has caused such a drama that recently I’ve stopped speaking with my parents too. I live abroad and it’s easier to not think about any of them. I live in dread and fear that the same thing will happen with my own children - although I must remind myself that I do not allow my children to hurt each other and I won’t turn a blind eye to verbal or physical cruelty.

It hurts to feel so alone. However my own “real” family and friends are everyday proof that I am not the problem. Thank god for them.

[HowlinProwlin]

YES!

Mines a critical negative nelly...

I showed her a photo of some artwork, explaining this is the second time I have used that particular medium. She is aware I earn part of my living from illustration, and she had asked ME what I was working on at the time...

Her FIRST comment 'oh thats a bit shit, look the hairs on the tail aren't the right shade'.... End of comments, nothing else.

Me: 'I didn't ask you for criticism, you just wanted to see what I was doing'...

Her: Well it is a bit shit, no one will buy that because its a bit shit.

Another example, away at a hotel with friend, sister is my PA for the weekend (conference), I get changed into something more comfy, which happens to be a rather floaty shapeless maxi skirt that does indeed make me look like a large sack. I said to friend 'first thing she will do is scomment on how unflattering this is', friend said 'surely not, surely its obviously comfortable and whether its unflattering or not is irrelevant...'...

Sister walks in, clocks the frock..,. 'OMG why are you wearing THAT it makes you look AWFUL.....'

Friend: 'wtf!'...

She also delights in digging up past events, under the guise of 'constructive criticism' so she can rake over whatever I did wrong, which of course I cannot change because it's in the past!

I ignore it now or laugh at her as clearly, it is her problem and she's the one leading a stressful life with her permanently critical, negative outlook!

[DangerousBeanz]

My sister is a psychopath. I'm not saying that to be nasty, it just is. I have nothing to do with her at all since our parents died because I no longer feel the need to be made to feel like shit continuously and like I'm to blame for everything wrong in the world.
She even told me that her, mum and dad were a wonderful family until I came along and destroyed all of their lives. (As newborn).
NC and staying that way.

[cauliflowersqueeze]

Well there’s a percentage of the population which are psychopaths so it’s possible your sister is.

[Queenunikitty]

I don’t get on with my sister, I had therapy in my early 30’s which helped me identify my issues with her. I’m cool with everything but I will def be going NC once our parents are gone. X

[LittleBitchTroll]

Doesn't make me feel like shit but is a lying little drama queen who has bullied our elderly mum for the last few years. Abused her financially, mentally and physically. Sad thing is my mother is so scared of her and her off the wall behaviour around her kids that she keeps on doing everything for her. Uses her to look after her kids 24/7 as she clearly cannot cope. Denies all her behaviour and a total fantasist. Then slags me off left right and centre when I say anything.