Anyone else have a sister who makes them feel like shit?

[Iamnotagoddess]

Anyone?

Please share.

My sister just will never ever get how she hurts me sometimes

@Iamnotagoddess Sorry, cross post. Glad your parents are onside now.

My struggle I guess is that growing up we were incredibly close.
L

Not as such

My mother won't admit it but my sister intimidates her, I believe she loves us both but likes me more.

I'm voluntarily NC with my father and it had nothing to do with her

Where I feel she has done damage is with aunts and cousins, taking the opportunity of my absence to write the script, play the victim and twist the knife

She is the favourite of one of my aunts and this aunt has regularly been quite hostile to me

So interesting to read such similar stories to my own. I'm right back to the petulant 12 year old who will never achieve anything when I see my sister. She has an uncanny skill to make everything about her, even my own wedding day. We're not really in touch anymore, I don't miss her. I am just waiting for the day I stop wanting justice for how terrible she treated me through the years.
Best of luck OP. Sometimes it's just shut that family isn't how we expected them to be.

OMG do not get me started on my wedding day ...

I have 2 sisters & 1 SIL. All toxic. I am NC with the lot of them.

Yes I do. But I've given up listening to her criticism of me. She's so superior.
And she's not.
She'll provoke me until I give her a piece of mind and then we fall out.
Then after a bit she'll call me. And so it goes on etc 😰

I believe the sibling/family problems are far more common than people think. Sis went NC when I "dared" to disagree with her. Mother sided with her (of course as Golden Child can do no wrong) and has made an already difficult relationship even worse

I did, but I'm now NC. Final straw was calling me lazy a week after a emcs and a baby fresh out of nicu, then expressing upset that dd wasn't ugly. She was majorly put out when ds was born as she'd wanted to produce the first male of our generation. Thankfully I was well out before that point but had to hear all about it. op sometimes we get a crap hand at these things

God there's so many here that sound like mine. I came back from halfway around the world to see her twice. One time she said months ahead that she'd got the day off (she doesn't see me for more than a few hours BTW) then suddenly was working, another time she made me change my flights to see her, then when I got there she said she couldn't see me because she'd gone to the cinema.
She also denies our childhood was abusive and talks down to me in a patronizing way, then she goes around the family telling total lies about me and making them feel sorry for her when I'm not there to defend myself. First thing I ever know about it are passive-aggressive texts or phone calls from other relatives telling me to do things I've already done.
She tells everyone I think I'm better than her but I really don't, it's all her making stuff up based on her own insecurities. She doesn't understand that I am wary of jumping to her tune because I'm fed up of being hurt.
I found out recently about something called "trauma bond" and I think it describes our relationship. I'm always doing anything to avoid conflict and she's always being nasty to me, trying to control me, sometimes she's violent, but she doesn't treat anyone else like that. Weirdest thing is, trauma bond is usually the oldest acting out towards the youngest, but it's the opposite in our case.

I do. She's very good at putting me down. It was pretty bad being her sister as a child because despite us being just a year apart, she was the golden child. Whenever anything happened she would just say "FionaOgre did it" and I'd instantly get a smack and a telling off. The thing is, it could have been something I did do (rare), something she had done (usual) or something none of us had a single thing to do with (like a dent in our car door on a car park for example) but whatever it was, she'd tell on me for it and I'd be punished. The only time she was ever caught out lying (think something put too high for me to reach or something eaten that I was allergic to) I had been smacked and told off as normal, I sobbed that it could only have been DSis because of whatever reason and my dad turned to her and said, "FionaSISTER, Don't do that again" and that was it. No smack, no bollocking and no apology to me. I learned that day that I was nothing and she was everything.

She's better now 30 years on but she can still make me feel shit. She will dismiss me rudely if I am speaking to her and she's not interested in whatever I'm discussing, making me feel like shit. She will disagree with me on whatever she can. I call her Nanny Plum to my DH because she's so curt and rude and wouldn't think of saying something hurtful like "Well that's just stupid of you isn't it?"

It's a good thing though I guess. Our mum married abusive men and put up with it. No, actually, she encouraged it. So I grew up taking no shit from my boyfriends. I don't willingly take blame on things I have nothing to do with. I have a good husband.
And thanks to my sister, my children are all listened to. I don't take one child's word for it when accusations fly. I think about whether the child could or would have done whatever deed they're accused of.

If my mum and sister are to be credited with anything it would be 'character building'.

My older golden-child sister on the phone last week. Still telling me what to do... I'm 64!!

thank god she lives abroad

Agree with this - If someone keeps disappointing you, you need to lower your expectations. I’ve had to do this with every member of my immediate family. The change in perspective makes a world of difference. Stop expecting her to be the sister she is clearly not

Easier said than done but once you stop hoping and expecting better it’s very freeing.

yes - can't say too much as she is very much on here. My role is to agree with her/listen to her/babysit for her/finance her-any movement from this is forbidden. If I ask anything of her (eg listen to my problems) disagree with her - I get cut-off. My role has always been of the devoted little sister- generally begging forgiveness. I've now been cut-off (and I'm almost expecting her to post saying how I/everyone else in the family is narcisstic/she is a victim) - and although I miss her (she can be fun) in general its a relief

One of my sisters ghosted my mother, me, and all our siblings for over a year, with no explanation whatsoever. I have suspicions over what prompted it but will never know for sure. She had gone through phases of NC with me and another sister over the years but we would always eventually see each other at a family do of some kind. She does not 'do' confrontation so will never discuss why she (presumably) feels upset/isolated/whatever feelings cause her to just cut people out.

The weird thing is that during this time she kept in touch with our father, who she has known for more than 20 years is a nightmare.

She has since got back in touch with our mother and of course my mum has welcomed it because she wants a relationship and she wants to see her grandchildren. Prior to this ghosting my other siblings and I used to comment (to each other, not mum/sis) that my mum always 'towed the line' with this one sister and never said anything even slightly provocative in case she took offense, because we suspected she would just disappear if she felt offended by any random comment instead of addressing it. And that's exactly what happened (we think!)

I will struggle to ever have a relationship with this sister now. I live abroad so less likely to see her at a family party etc. Before I was always civil/friendly but I would find it VERY difficult not to say to her now that she caused our mother untold stress and anxiety, that my mum literally aged before my eyes, and that it is cruel to have behaved the way she did, and that waltzing back in again like nothing happened is frankly a little insane. But if I say anything like this, she will fuck off again and my mother will go through all that heartache again. So I just have to hope not to see her really...

For the record, she also has VERY different memories of all sorts of things than the rest of us do. Not just childhood memories but adult ones. It's like she creates an alternative world and a role for herself within it and casts the rest of us howshe sees fit depending on if she likes us or not at that particular moment. Very strange indeed.

Has anyone had their relationship with parents adversely affected by their sis?

Yes (I'm the poster whose sister was jealous of me having a girl). She's always been the golden child but I thought even my doting parents would think she was being unreasonable this time. Nope.

I was told that I needed to understand, she's very sensitive you know, we need to be kind to her, she's very upset. My parents won't put up photos of my daughter in their home (there are photos of all the other grandchildren) or mention her, in case it upsets golden sis. I don't get invited to family gatherings because she doesn't want me there.

I did get invited to a cousin's wedding and my mum asked me not to go because golden sis wanted to. I went and she completely blanked me even though we were seated together. It was hurtful but made her look a twat not me.

Last month a family friend from our home town died. My mum texted me but said there wasn't going to be a funeral service. Guess what, there was but my sister wanted to go and didn't want me turning up.

I am v low contact with my parents as a result and my daughter barely knows them. I'm not sure they'd notice if I dropped off the face of the earth to be honest.

How/did your addiction affect her life at all?

Yes. After years of put downs in front of people, haven't spoken for 2 years now. I had enough and one day snapped and that was the end of it for me.... She's bringing up my niece in the same way - to be rude and judgmental...

I am not alone!

I invite my sister and family to stay but she never visited. In 20 years. Never picks up the phone. I visit whenever I see my mum, whereupon i can't talk about my job, becuase hers is so much more stressful, my health, because hers or her daugters is worse, how I feel, because I am being silly and talking nonsense. She is of course so much more caring because she stayed up north near our parents ( parents who strongly encouraged me to work and my role is specialist ) . This year however, she started spouting ( not for the first time ) racist remarks, whilst the tv was showing the New Zealand shooting. It was the final straw. I will have as little to do with her as possible now.

Yes, I absolutely understand how this feels. I’m 35, my sister is 39. We’ve had one 18 month period where things have been ok between us, and the rest has been awful. She’s always been selfish and a bit mean, really thoughtless and has treated my parents like cr*p. We’ve only been in contact in the past because I’ve made 100% of the effort to text, call and visit. I once left it to see how long it would be before she messaged me - she didn’t, and I sent her one after about 4 years. I think she hates everything about me! She lives overseas now and has a son. I’ve tried to make an effort with him, sending cards, gifts and asking to be pen pals. She doesn’t even have it in her to text to let me know my gift has arrived and I certainly never get a thank you. She came home to visit this year and went out for a meal with my dad and stayed over at my mums - our family home - without letting me know she was in the country. I’m done. I’m not sending a card or gift this Christmas. I don’t care if I see her again.

I'm completely nc with older sister. I suffered her put downs, the accusations and patronising bullying until our mother died, then I slammed the door closed and locked that sucker up tighter than rod Stewarts trousers. Third sister made a few attempts to get us back together but she was told to respect my wishes or I'd fire her off into space too.

Life is marvellously peaceful now. Just because you shared patents doesn't mean you have to accept beatings.

Patents? Parents.

Not a sister but I'm having to distance myself from my brother. Its heartbreaking really because we spent a lot of time together growing up but now he has a high flying job he's become a selfish unpleasant bigot. Nothing I do or say is good enough. My £30k a year job isnt good enough and why oh why would do I work in social work with a bunch of 'people like that'. I got married and had a baby and that was all wrong. He actually wanted me to justify why I wanted a baby. Then when DD was born I had a very traumatic birth and she nearly died due to hospital negligence. All he could say was 'what did I expect' as if i deserved all the fear and pain for getting pregnant. He rarely sees us and has met DD twice. He earns £250k a year and didnt even send her a 1st birthday card.

I have recently gone NC with one of my sisters.
She can be so nice to your face but while slagging everyone else off.
Constantly sayng to me that her and her husband can't stand other relatives etc etc etc ....

But then at family gatherings I was the one being ignored by her husband and kids.Realised she must be telling them some awful lies about me.
Can't be bothered with it anymore.

I am the sister of a 'golden child' it's hard....but, I've come to look at it with amusement now and try to ignore the triggers. Helps that DH is wise to it all so is there to catch my eye or something when comments are said. Geographic distance helps, but not sure I'll ever be the confident person I could have been.