AIBU to want to scream about feeling so 'sandwiched?'

[thehorseandhisboy]

Long story short... my mum is elderly and lives by herself. I know she's lonely, although she's a difficult person so is hard to be 'friends' with. We have never had a great relationship, it got worse rather than better when I had children as she thought their function was to meet her unmet emotional needs rather than be independent people in their own right.

Despite the challenges, I've always kept a relationship with her and taken the children to visit or she's visited us - about 100 miles away but doable in a day. Her mobility problems have meant that she needs picking up and taking home if she visits now - fair enough, and we've done this as Xmas.

Children now 12 and 10 and really, really don't want to spend time with her. She's controlling, belittling, not interested in them as people, wants them to feel sorry for her etc. I see my role as protector of them and mediator.

I also have no desire to spend time with her, but do visit fairly regularly out of duty and family ties.

My mum wants us to visit for a day at half term. We can't during the week as the children are doing a sports thing that a. they like and b. I've paid for. They don't want to go at the weekend because it's a two hour drive each way and frankly depressing and boring when they get there. My mum is upset by this, which I understand and I do enforce a three line whip on visiting her on her birthday etc.

We had a similar situation a few months ago, and I went by myself to help her with a few things etc. She made it clear that this wasn't really good enough and wants us all (husband included) to go. The last time we did this, about a year ago, there was so much tension with the children messing around in the car, husband getting stressed etc that it honestly felt like we had reached a limit of what we could as a family unit put up with in terms of her unpleasantness, petty-mindedness etc.

I feel like I can't win. I could put a lot of pressure on the children go to, take bikes, scooters etc (she has nothing for them there) and try to push through their moaning about being bored and her moaning that they've come to visit her and aren't pleased about it.

I could go by myself but quite frankly between working, children, perimenopause etc I would quite like a rest at the weekend.

Or we don't go and kick a visit into the long grass. I try not to go in the winter as she deliberately turns her heating off when we go, and it's so utterly miserable, not to mention dangerous for her as she has CPOD.

Sibling lives the other side of the world, so it's down to me. And I feel utterly squashed, sandwiched and resentful about being expected to please everyone, but in reality it never being good enough.

Sorry, not very short! Can anyone empathise? How do you manage? Do I have it in me to do another force-children-and-grin-and-bear-it visit, which is so utterly draining?

I can't empathise because I've not been in a similar situation, but I certainly feel for you!

Could you consider making a weekend of it and kind of bribing the kids a bit? Maybe stay over somewhere and do something fun the second day so you all have something to look forward to and make the journey worthwhile?

Depending on how brave you're feeling, could you have an upfront conversation with her about her behaviour?

Thanks for you reply. The 'staying over' bit is tricky, as she threw away her spare beds when I had babies...

We did stay in a B&B once, but it's not a particularly nice area so somewhat limited with exciting things to do.

It was easier when she was more mobile, as we could go out, but I understand that it's painful for her to get in and out of a car and she likes me to do odd jobs around the house when I'm there, which I don't mind.

Why are you putting the needs of your mother above that of your husband and children? You admit yourself she's unpleasant to them, belittles them and is not interested in them as people? So of course they don't want to see her, and neither would anyone in their right minds.
She trying to control you, and make you visit when you don't want to and she quite frankly doesn't sound likes even grateful when you do make the effort.
Now if you want people to love and care for you, trying doing it for them too, she's old enough to know this.
Be kind to your children, because your mother won't be and she plainly isn't kind to you either. You're using your children to cushion you from your mothers ire and that simply isn't on. She's trained you to feel guilty and bow to her wishes and that is not a good lesson for your children either.
I know it's hard for you and she's your mum, but they are your DH and DC and it's time to be in their corner and your own actually. You don't have to pander to horrible selfish people, you do know that right?

She has not made it very welcoming for you. No spare beds, no heating, getting moaned at and little to do..and she wonders why your family are reluctant. Even you only visit out of duty.

Judging by her behaviour, I don't think she wants a visit: what she really wants is a stick to beat you with.

If you can't please everyone, start by pleasing yourself. Decide your boundaries and what is acceptable for you, your family and her.

• It could be her coming down via taxi and train (National Rail run a passenger assist scheme).

• It could be you arranging a visit schedule - how often and how long is up to you.

• It could be a Skype call now and a longer visit at Christmas.

• It could just be you addressing this passive-aggressive behaviour with your Mum.

Good luck.

I actually take the opposite view to the PP.You clearly don’t want to cut ties with her,she’s your mum,and personally I think your children are old enough to be told to STFU,show some respect and possibly help out with jobs and make effort for the one day they are there. It does children no good to think they should also be in an entertaining environment and doing something they want. Learning to have patience and be well behaved when doing something they don’t want to do is useful long term. Also, if you take that attitude then you should hopefully be able to drop the guilt towards the kids-they aren’t coming to any harm after all. Then you will have done your duty to your mum, and will have taught the kids something about life in at the same time.

"Judging by her behaviour, I don't think she wants a visit: what she really wants is a stick to beat you with."

This. Tbh I'd actually start by having that conversation with her. Does she have friends? If not, is it because of this odd attitude?

I wouldn't bust a gut to see her until she treats you all better, frankly.

Have you thought about gently explaining to her that the children don't want to visit and explain why? Maybe she doesn't realise how she's being? I wouldn't force my DC to go, it will only make their relationship more strained. Feel for you though, OP, it can't be fun being stuck in the middle.

personally I think your children are old enough to be told to STFU,show some respect and possibly help out with jobs and make effort for the one day they are there. It does children no good to think they should also be in an entertaining environment and doing something they want

Respect works both ways.

I remember being forced to spend hours visiting a plethora of unpleasant elderly relatives at that age. It taught me nothing about life I hadn’t already learned. It did teach me that “duty” can GTF. Nobody will guilt me in to putting my daughter in that position.

Going to be blunt (and my family is in the same situation ish) - either she moves and lives nearer you or you move. This is not sustainable in the short and long term and with your sibling living the other side of the world you have to be realistic. By having her round the corner you can pop in and see her without the pressure of making it count because it is a 200 mile round trip

Slightly different perspective.
OP, many moons ago I was your children. My GM was hard work and what I now recognise as massively controlling towards my mum. She had no interest in me, only wanted to talk about herself (albeit to brag not moan). I was quite a confident and opinionated child and although I was never disrespectful to her, I made it pretty clear from a young age I wasn’t going to be her puppet. This caused no end of grief to my mum who was a complete stranger to the concept of asserting herself in front of her mother; after having battled to convince me to accompany her round GM.
Looking back now, I wish I kept my gob shut for my mum’s sake. I wish I went round, nodded politely and then rolled my eyes when I got back home. My mum didn’t deserve all the stress and tension from her relationship with GM, and she definitely didn’t need me adding to it. Unlike you though, my mum either didn’t see GM’s flaws or if she did, she was trained not to acknowledge them and so she always blamed me. I think if she sat me down and had a honest conversation with me, I would have understood and gone along with it for her sake and that would have saved both of us many regrets.
So I guess what I’m trying to say is explain to your children the position you are in, I think they are just about old enough to understand.

My mother was similar to yours. I gave up. I don’t bother anymore. You can too if you like.

OP my mum could have written your exact same post, right down to the sibling on the other side of the world. I can write a response for your kids. Don’t force this woman on them. My grandmother was exactly the same, petty, cruel, belittling and emotionally abusive to me as the only girl. I dreaded her visits and being forced to visit her and even now I resent my mum because she forced us to do so and she prioritise the demands of my grandmother over my own mental health and happiness.

Respect and duty are often used to pressurised and coerce people to maintain relationships with people they don’t really want to (and who do not deserve it). Your mum is in this situation because of who she is, her choices and her behaviour and you are not responsible for this.

Do not let her guilt trip you or manipulate you. Set boundaries of your relationship now - she either comes to visit or moves closer by or she accepts that you visit only when you can and want to and she won’t get visits from the grandkids and your husband. Her wishes are not the priority and if you start acceding to her demands it will only get worse and worse - I know. I saw my mum and dad run ragged by my grandmother towards the end - she would call them out to her (a 30 mile round trip), to change a lightbulb or put out her bin! Seriously, she got more selfish and more demanding as she got more dependent and it put a huge strain on them both. Set the limits now, be firm and do not let her guilt trip or manipulate you. It is emotional blackmail.

I don't think old age is a free pass to be a 'see you next tuesday'.

My own grandmother (she had my mum young, and my mum had me young) is great-grandmother to my daughter. She's in her early seventies. She kind of superfically pretends to care about my daughter, but she really doesn't. If I ring her, she does not ask once how my daughter is doing at school, how she is etc etc, but will hop straight into a diatribe she's imbibed from the Daily Mail that day. And when she's done with that she'll wallow about her own poor childhood. I've made an effort with her for years, but it gets exhausting. In fact, I think deep down, she's really pushing people away.

I always regret the fact our culture is so often to abandon our parents / grandparents in the pursuits of our own selfish existence...but often these parents / gradparents are selfish themselves! Sometimes to the extent of being toxic...

I feel, really, that its better to break the pattern, rather than let the children absorb it all and carry it on. Especially when the parent/grandparent in question really isn't genuinely interested them in the first place. Kids aren't stupid. They'll realise.

Thank you all for your replies.

LordNibbler you couldn't be more wrong when you say "You're using your children to cushion you from your mothers ire and that simply isn't on." That's simply not true. Having my mother allow our aunts to emotionally manipulate and control my sister and I, I have been absolutely clear to not permit my mother to do that.

I use myself to cushion them from her ire, in actual fact, and protect her - because she's old and because I'm a better person than she is - from the fact that they simply don't like her. I absolutely do not 'force this woman on them' - they didn't see her for a year between birthdays last year as she was so awful.

My 12 year old told my 10 year old when we went to visit for her birthday, "All you have to do is tell her about school even though she doesn't listen, say that you like gherkins and laugh at her jokes. If you were old and disabled, you'd like your grandchildren to visit, wouldn't you, even if they didn't like it very much."

They both have the measure of her and I've spoken to them as much as is appropriate to their ages/maturity levels about yes sometimes doing what you don't want to do but also that it's right and proper to have your own boundaries. This is part of being in a family and indeed society.

Neither of us will be moving house. My family are very happy where we live, and my mum has no intention or desire to move. She's tried calling me when she needs a light bulb etc changed and, painful though it is, I haven't gone. I have gone when she broke her arm and was admitted to hospital etc and helped sort out a fall alarm, done internet shopping, but refuse to be at her beck and call.

I guess all this emotional labour is just exhausting. It always feels worse at holiday periods (now half term), when so many of my children's friends can go and spend pleasant times with their grandparents or other extended family, although that's a different thread.

Don’t go horse. Perhaps make a plan to go on your own at some point. You sound kind and lovely.
Focus on your own family
I do! My family are unremittingly dire

OP

You might want to join us on this thread

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/elderly_parents/3672719-The-Cockroach-Cafe-the-successor-to-the-Shiny-Thread

But gentle caveat, it can be very depressing

OP, I totally feel for you about the emotional labour. You and your kids sound lovely, your mum is very lucky to have you all and it’s a pity she can’t appreciate that. You sort of hope one day they will do a magic turnaround and start appreciating you, but they never do.

I don’t have any advice except to say I hope you can somehow manage to put yourself first more often. It’s hard and it takes practice, but you will feel better.

Leave her to it. She's a miserable, bitter old cow who clearly is old enough to know what acceptable behaviour is and simply chooses to be horrible to you and your family so don't reward that bad behaviour with visits.

Your mother (and your children) need to understand that if you're horrible to people, people won't put themselves out to visit you.

My mum spent years visiting her ailing parents despite the fact that they'd been pretty awful to her all her life and all they did was ask where her sister (also a massive bitch) was. Now they've died and she's half destroyed herself with this misplaced sense of duty. Please don't do this to yourself or your family.

Hi. This is tricky. I guess it's best to force it as she is elderly this year. Tell them to grin and bare it for your sake. Reward them afterwards. It is really tricky when parents are negative etc. My mum's abit opinionated and never done emotional support so I understand. They have a couple of baby toys in the wardrobe and insist they can't have anything like Lego for my four year old. She gets bored and nervous around there. I always wish my kids had the fun grandparents that spoilt them. It's sad for the kids isn't it. With her being elderly it is hard to leave her without a visit. Life is to short and all that. It sounds a nightmare though.

If you can't face it this time you could fake a bad cold in the kids and they need rest before school starts x

I feel for you ,It must be horrible to be a piggy in the middle like this .I think it is always difficult ,because you quite rightly want to have fun with your DC and its difficult to be with your Mum .However she is still their GM and needs to see them from time to time .Can she not come out with you for a meal /tea out at a cafe ? We used to do this with my Mum and my Nan before as well! Sometimes a change of scene can work wonders!

I have been in the position of your dcs.
I would limit any visit with them to the bare minimum.
IF you feel like it, go and visit her on your own. But I would also review whether you want to do that or not.
I’ve seen my dad making regularly visits to his dad, ringing etc... only to be met with abuse, reproach etc... and be warmed that ‘if he didn’t do xxx, he would be written off the will’. Honestly, I don’t think he should ever have accepted any of that. But guilt, fear and a sense of obligation kept him going :(

Can you have your mother to stay at your house over a weekend? (I know it means collecting her or having someone put her on public transport)

• your house your rules

-children can escape but also talk to her

• you can have the heating on!
• travel to and fro is spread over a weekend rather than one day

-she can be left to sit and read by herself/potter in the garden but still be "with you all"

Good luck. I understand your torn loyalties.

Bribe them. It’s the only way!

Bribery and rewards, why? Just because there's a blood link? That's crazy.

A lovely neighbour was buried yesterday, she was 96. How old is your mum? Don't forget how long this could go on. Don't set a precedent you can't keep up with.

I'd be telling her why the children don't want to visit. Shes clearly always been like this and is now driving her grandchildren away.

She can also handle it, she's a grown woman. In fact, she might make some friends if she changes her attitude and you'll have done her a favour. Frankly I don't see my narcissist parent any more for my own health, but they know what I think of them.