AIBU to want to scream about feeling so 'sandwiched?'

[thehorseandhisboy]

Long story short... my mum is elderly and lives by herself. I know she's lonely, although she's a difficult person so is hard to be 'friends' with. We have never had a great relationship, it got worse rather than better when I had children as she thought their function was to meet her unmet emotional needs rather than be independent people in their own right.

Despite the challenges, I've always kept a relationship with her and taken the children to visit or she's visited us - about 100 miles away but doable in a day. Her mobility problems have meant that she needs picking up and taking home if she visits now - fair enough, and we've done this as Xmas.

Children now 12 and 10 and really, really don't want to spend time with her. She's controlling, belittling, not interested in them as people, wants them to feel sorry for her etc. I see my role as protector of them and mediator.

I also have no desire to spend time with her, but do visit fairly regularly out of duty and family ties.

My mum wants us to visit for a day at half term. We can't during the week as the children are doing a sports thing that a. they like and b. I've paid for. They don't want to go at the weekend because it's a two hour drive each way and frankly depressing and boring when they get there. My mum is upset by this, which I understand and I do enforce a three line whip on visiting her on her birthday etc.

We had a similar situation a few months ago, and I went by myself to help her with a few things etc. She made it clear that this wasn't really good enough and wants us all (husband included) to go. The last time we did this, about a year ago, there was so much tension with the children messing around in the car, husband getting stressed etc that it honestly felt like we had reached a limit of what we could as a family unit put up with in terms of her unpleasantness, petty-mindedness etc.

I feel like I can't win. I could put a lot of pressure on the children go to, take bikes, scooters etc (she has nothing for them there) and try to push through their moaning about being bored and her moaning that they've come to visit her and aren't pleased about it.

I could go by myself but quite frankly between working, children, perimenopause etc I would quite like a rest at the weekend.

Or we don't go and kick a visit into the long grass. I try not to go in the winter as she deliberately turns her heating off when we go, and it's so utterly miserable, not to mention dangerous for her as she has CPOD.

Sibling lives the other side of the world, so it's down to me. And I feel utterly squashed, sandwiched and resentful about being expected to please everyone, but in reality it never being good enough.

Sorry, not very short! Can anyone empathise? How do you manage? Do I have it in me to do another force-children-and-grin-and-bear-it visit, which is so utterly draining?

perhaps you could turn up with hot water bottles for you and the children fill them up from her kettle and sit there with them on your laps?
if she complains about the electricity used then offer her a fiver to cover the cost thereof, I mean really if she's going to take piss and behave stupidly then I would play her at her own game

This is madness OP, you must know that.

Your DC are getting older now and have a right not to spend their weekend with a relation who belittles them and makes them feel crap. I’m not sure why you’re forcing them to endure this, it’s not fair.

Look, if you really need to protect your children from an awful woman who is horrible to them, then that's you should be doing, and you will need to explain to your mum why the DC aren't coming to visit.

If that isn't the case, then the children don't get to dictate whether or not you go based on entertainment or boredom. Sometimes you have to do things you don't like - as I said, if she is genuinely nasty to them to them that is different, if it is just that they don't want to go on a long drive and not have their bike with them, that is another thing.

She won't be able to figure out how to use Skype because it's not in her interest to do so, what she wants to do is control and manipulate you, have you all under her power
Skype disempowers her and so she will make sure that she does not understand how to use it

She won't be able to figure out how to use Skype because it's not in her interest to do so, what she wants to do is control and manipulate you, have you all under her power
Skype disempowers her and so she will make sure that she does not understand how to use it

Many years ago this was my mum with her mobile phone. She cut off the landline and then “threw away” her mobile because “I’d never shown her how to use it”. She was a real and serious suicide risk as well and that shit went on for about two years - me going over, reattaching the landline, ringing it on days not there to see she was ok until she got BT to terminate the line.

All control, all manipulation.

You’ve been advised by your doctor , haven’t you OP, that getting cold will worsen your (imaginary) health condition, so you won’t be able to visit again until she agrees to put the heating on.
It’s really hard trying to balance everyone’s needs and wants, but sometimes you have to be ruthless otherwise you’ll be ground down by it all, as I was.

She knows I hate being cold, and does it deliberately to annoy me when we visit

Ok then OP you're just being a fool to yourself.

'Sorry mum! Can't make it I'm afraid, sooo much on and I honestly can't face a day of freezing too. Let me know if there's a day you'll be switching the heating on, I assume you DO have it on sometimes else you'd be dead, haha - let me know that special day and I'll pop up.'

Honestly, keeping some peace is one thing, volunteering to be a whipping boy and your own children seeing it is something else again.

She deserves to be alone and your children deserve to see their parent model the lesson that you don't have to be walked all over.

All control all manipulation
And once you realise this, once you see that they are deliberately and strategically lying in order to get what they want at your expense, that they have no concern whatsoever for your well-being for your comfort and convenience, and if anything seeing you suffering seems to please them because it feeds into their sense of superiority over you.
When you see all that for what it really is the picture looks very different.

I do see all that, and if you read my posts you'll see that I don't force my children to endure her when they don't want to.

And, as I've already said, I no longer go there in the winter unless something drastic happens (she fell and broke her arm a few years ago for example).

For me, it's a balance between recognising that she's manipulative and controlling and has no intention or desire to change the way she interacts with me and my family, thus protecting my children from her and engaging only to a degree that doesn't damage my mental well-being.

And recognising that she's a lonely, depressed, frail old woman who - like it or not - is my mother and it's right as far as possible to do the right thing by. Because I'm capable of being a better person than her, if nothing else.

Yes, I could never contact her again, but she wouldn't just disappear in a puff of smoke if I did that, as everyone who has ever been cut off or cut off a close family member knows.

Thanks for your replies, they are helpful. I was half-expecting people to offer the "awwww, she's your mum, my mum is dead and I'd give anything to spend even a minute with her" line I've seen so often on here.

Op have you ever told her how you feel? Voiced your concerns and just give your mum the truth of how you feel? Your mum sounds like a very sad and unhappy lady. Has she had a terrible life to behave like this? Sometimes out past dictates out future and when we are unhappy we inflict in on others in a terrible way.

When you say she's "belittling and controlling" what do you mean by this?

My answer sort of depends on how bad she is and I cant quite tell from your post.

I do think sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do for the sake of family or compromise at least but otoh no-one should put up with nastiness or abusive behaviour.

Can you maybe get her to visit you or all go out for lunch or something? I find with controlling people sometimes it's better to get them away from their own 'turf'. Short periods best for visits as well imo.

Well, it's wintry weather and nothing drastic has happened, so don't go!

Those awful words "you will have done your duty". It's not your duty, there's no such thing. Just emotional blackmail to ensure you jump to. Her wants do not trump yours but those of your DC should trump hers, and I would not reward her attitude with their presence on her say so. What plans is your DM making for coping as she's gets older and becomes more frail? At the very least she needs the contact details of a local handyman, Age Concern can usually help. In time there are no services that can't be bought in and I would get her used to that idea now before setting a precedent. I feel she chooses not to move, she will have to live with the consequences.

sadleandl I gave up trying to speak with her about how I feel many years ago. It's pointless. She's too wrapped up in herself to have room for empathy for others.

She hasn't had a terrible life per se, but like so many of that generation, experienced significant loss and trauma which she's never really looked at. That's been her choice but you're right that her bitterness and toxicity are a direct result of her unprocessed grief and unmet needs. Not my problem to solve, but that awareness means that I don't have any expectations about her being able to change or support me etc, so I have lowered my expectations until they barely exist.

cptartapp as she's become more frail, I've been very clear that I will co-ordinate support etc but not be the first or only person to provide it. So, yes she has a local handyman, someone from Age Concern does her garden, she goes to her GP lots, and had a fall pendant/key safe put in recently after a couple of falls.

She organised herself having her bath converted to a walk in shower unit, raised toilet seat and rails etc. I've done an online shop for her when her mobility has been poor, and ordered other things that she's needed online to be delivered to her address. She needed home care after she broke her arm and I was happy to visit once and then co-ordinate via phone, but not go up every weekend etc.

I anticipate her needing home care at some point and a stair lift installed, which I've looked into. Her stairs are a good size and shape ie straight up and down and she has no intention of moving, and nor do I.

So yes it could be worse. She is cognitively in tact, so I'm not concerned about whether she has capacity to choose to continue to live alone or anything like that. Just tired of all the emotional labour that she requires, and always has.

Given that you want to maintain contact and that she wants to continue being a cowbag to you then I suggest stopping agonising. Decide a schedule, say, one Saturday every three months where you alone go to see her. Get it in your family diary. Don't tell your DM in advance so she can't screw with you. Just decide that's the day you've set aside, deflect any requests for more time, then invite yourself round shortly before the reserved day braced ready for whatever dickish treatment she decides to dole out.