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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be unwilling to shag randomly?

107 replies

chakra2 · 22/10/2019 12:54

So, I have a personal belief that sex is really intimate and not something I want to engage in with people who don’t care about me or that I barely know. Mates think I've lost the plot with this way of living my life.
Obviously this is about how I choose to live MY life — what other people choose is their business. However, my female friends think I’m basically nuts to only want sex with a person I love. One friend said sex is “just a bodily function, like urinating or drinking a glass of water” and that you should shag a guy on the 1st date if possible to see whether he’s any good or not and whether you’re compatible before investing time in going out with him again.
Another friend said she’s surprised men even date me at all given that they’re not getting any sex for at least 3 or so months while I get to know them. Am told my behaviour belongs in the 1950s

OP posts:
InsertFunnyUsername · 22/10/2019 15:57

YANBU to want to wait etc and should never be forced in to doing something, tell your friends it doesn't impact them in anyway and to give it a rest.

That being said I dont think women who view sex as a fun activity (as long as it is safe) are lacking in morals etc. They just view sex different and not a sacred act, making love whatever twee phrase people call it. One night stands might not be something I would do but I dont think they are bad.

woodhill · 22/10/2019 16:08

I think the breaking up with someone you love and have slept with would naturally be distressing particularly if you saw a future together for both men and women.

betternamepending · 22/10/2019 16:17

*Are those friends all in a long and happy marriage?

Actually no. None of the ones saying these things are.*

Well it sounds like you are after a serious relationship and it doesn't sound like your friends have a lot of success in that area. So you don't have to listen to them for advice. And even if you did, it shouldn't mean that you should have sex when it is not emotionally comfortable for you.

If I look at my friendship group (mostly in their 40s and married or in a long term relationship) most of my friends did NOT have a zillion dates. I'd say single digits for relationships, and not a lot of sleeping around in between them either. People that want to sleep around will do that (and that's fine, it is fun after all), but there still are plenty of men who are looking for a serious relationship and having sex within a few dates is not important.

Plus that I truely believe that you have to be yourself if you want to find a partner that fits in your life. So please be yourself.

tigger001 · 22/10/2019 16:20

You are definitely not being unreasonable. Myself and many of my friends never had one night stands, while others did and thought sex was just sex.

It's a personal preference and I think it depends how you view sex and your body.

JacquesHammer · 22/10/2019 16:35

YANBU to choose how/when you have sex.

TANBU to choose how/when they have sex.

Either party of course is unreasonable to be criticising the others' methods as wrong.

If they're good friends in other areas, I would simply stop discussing your sex life.

Original poster
chakra2 · 22/10/2019 16:37

@QueSera

I hope he is a decent father, if he is part of your DC's life.

He's refused to ever acknowledge of meet her. He said that she is "unnatural" because (unknown to me at the time) he never even cared for me and was just using me as an alternative to using sex workers.
The Muslim girl he has married is in her teens (my ex is 42) and emailed me a few times (until I blocked her) demanding pics of my baby and saying that if my baby "passes" a DNA test her and my ex will take her. Stupidly I replied to her emails at first and was outraged that she even dare demand a DNA test and her reply was that "obviously" there must be loads of other candidates. That actually really hurt (maybe she intended it to hurt?) given that my ex is only man I have had sex with in the past 5 years and he's known this girl all of a few months and is allowing her to insult me. That was the point at which I blocked her.

OP posts:
Original poster
chakra2 · 22/10/2019 16:45

@Angell84

I am letting this person INSIDE my body, that is not to be sniffed at.
I also think if other people want to have sex with lots of people, great. But don't pressure other women into it.

I agree with this!

OP posts:
CAG12 · 22/10/2019 17:12

Your friends sound desperate

Ponoka7 · 22/10/2019 17:39

@Autumn2019
"Your baby is very lucky to have a sensible mummy like you who doesn't go shagging randomly and come home with god knows what STD. "

Can we not perpetuate the bullshit that women who like casual sex are disease ridden.

CAG12
"Your friends sound desperate"

Or they're just about their sex lives, we don't all have to want long term relationships.

People should be true to themselves.

BarbedBloom · 22/10/2019 17:51

I think you do whatever you are comfortable with and they can do the same. I have had one night stands and slept with my husband on our first date, but equally I don't judge those who feel differently as long as they don't try to impose their morality on others

youkiddingme · 22/10/2019 18:37

I agree with missmouse101 and Angell84 it's about the intimacy. A point that is totally missed by anyone who compares sex to drinking water or urinating. Yes - if your're drinking water out of someones body orifice or urinating with/on someone. Both things that are your choice. Both of which involve intimacy and some degree of risk, as does sex.

And tbh if I got as little out of sex as a drink of water or a piss I don't think I'd bother.

letsdolunch321 · 22/10/2019 20:47

Your friends sound like fools that have no self respect.

Firstly, have they not thought that when you meet a new guy you may have barriers up due to how your ex treated you and secondly they cannot have high hopes of getting into a relationship if they drop there knickers on a first meeting.

They sound mega classy mates 🤨

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 22/10/2019 20:52

I feel like this too. DH didn't used to after he divorced his ex, but that was because he was bitter. That changed over time and when we got together he thought it was refreshing that he was only my second lover. I can't imagine ever falling in love again, so I doubt I will ever have sex again. It saddens me a little but I think it would be betraying DH's memory if I went with someone for the sex only.

Justaboy · 22/10/2019 20:56

Whatever happened to Romance, has it gone out of fashion;?..

Pringlesfortea · 22/10/2019 20:56

They sound over invested in your life.none of their business

Ronnie27 · 22/10/2019 21:02

If it’s worked well for you so far then carry on and don’t listen! Your body, your choice.

Original poster
chakra2 · 22/10/2019 21:31

@Justaboy

Whatever happened to Romance, has it gone out of fashion

Possibly

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 22/10/2019 21:44

Whatever happened to Romance, has it gone out of fashion

Not everyone is interested in romance. Some people just want sex - as valid a point of view as those wanting a relationship.

SameStory · 22/10/2019 21:50

It's entirely up to you. Waiting 4months doesn't guarantee a decent relationship, as you sadly discovered Thanks

I've had good relationships with men I slept with on the first date and good relationships with those I waited a few weeks for. It made no difference to me or them so I understand people who do want to wait and people who don't.

I would avoid discussing sex with your friend, I rarely discuss it with my close friends! And I mean rarely! You do whatever makes you comfortable!

IndieTara · 22/10/2019 22:00

Op I married a Muslim. He's now an XH. Complete double standards and he used to come out with similar comments, many many of them, regularly. Actually he still does.
Before I get jumped on I Know not all Muslim men are like that, but I know a lot of them who are.
It also has made me distrustful

savingshoes · 22/10/2019 22:07

Not only does it show great morals, your opinion would be fairly common in my friendship group.

What scares me is your friend's level of immaturity and total disregard of your decision making over your body.

Everyone has different opinions on sexual behaviours and choices but I personally couldn't feel safe going on nights out with people who were suprised men dated me due to my opinions. I would feel very vulnerable.

Original poster
chakra2 · 22/10/2019 23:38

@IndieTara

Op I married a Muslim. He's now an XH. Complete double standards and he used to come out with similar comments, many many of them, regularly. Actually he still does

Bloody hell, so this is possibly quite common!!? :(

It was a real shock to my system. He wore a mask to cover his true misogynistic nature.

OP posts:
Original poster
chakra2 · 22/10/2019 23:39

@savingshoes

Everyone has different opinions on sexual behaviours and choices but I personally couldn't feel safe going on nights out with people who were suprised men dated me due to my opinions. I would feel very vulnerable.

To be honest I don't even socialise anymore, period. Raising a little one by myself, recovering from an abusive relationship with a sociopath AND I no longer drink alcohol. My social life's kind of fizzled out for now and that's actually fine by me

OP posts:
IndieTara · 22/10/2019 23:57

@chakra2 it's common in my experience. I now have a 10 year old DD and he's her dad
And his way of thinking and his idea of good parenting has been affecting her for years.
We split when she was 3 but I'll never be rid of him and his influence

Omar1986 · 22/10/2019 23:59

Very well put!