Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be unwilling to shag randomly?

107 replies

chakra2 · 22/10/2019 12:54

So, I have a personal belief that sex is really intimate and not something I want to engage in with people who don’t care about me or that I barely know. Mates think I've lost the plot with this way of living my life.
Obviously this is about how I choose to live MY life — what other people choose is their business. However, my female friends think I’m basically nuts to only want sex with a person I love. One friend said sex is “just a bodily function, like urinating or drinking a glass of water” and that you should shag a guy on the 1st date if possible to see whether he’s any good or not and whether you’re compatible before investing time in going out with him again.
Another friend said she’s surprised men even date me at all given that they’re not getting any sex for at least 3 or so months while I get to know them. Am told my behaviour belongs in the 1950s

OP posts:
Alsohuman · 22/10/2019 14:29

Do what’s right for you. It’s your life. Your body. I was with my husband of 20 years for three months before we had sex.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 22/10/2019 14:29

I'm the same. I think its because I'm attracted to personality as much as I'm attracted to looks, and based on looks alone I just never fancy anyone enough to sleep.with them. There needs to be a spark and I only get that when I get to know someone. I sometimes think it would be easier if that wasnt the case and dont judge anyone for any reasons they want to sleep with anyone else. It's a bit odd your friends are judging you

angell84 · 22/10/2019 14:31

I think it is really important, to have sex with some one that cares about you.

And I have had one night stands in the past. Really, because society told me that ot eas normal.

I realised that in fact, it is not the only norm, and that I want to be very, very choosy about who I let that close to me.

MirandaGoshawk · 22/10/2019 14:32

The PP who said that different rules apply at different life stages has a good point. It's called 'growing up'! You sound like someone who has mature views - you have worked out what's right for you, so stick to it.

cotys · 22/10/2019 14:32

Damned if you do and damned if you don't... :)

I can understand where you're coming from, OP. I have friends who are married or in a LTR (happily or unhappily) and the single ones who are in a similar boat to mine, single and looking...

Some the married/LTR sort are quick to judge you as being slutty if you do have sex on the first date... which is why I don't discuss my sex life with them, although I do politely tell them my opinion, which is "do whatever floats your boat" and "it's none of your business".

Having said that, even though I rationally think there is NOTHING wrong with sleeping with someone on the 1st date, I do feel a bit of guilt when doing it, especially when I don't have any plan on seeing them again. I was raised/programmed by my family/society to think like that, and no matter how much times have changed and all that, I do feel it. Nothing a couple of glasses of wine and talks with similar minded friends won't fix, though... Looking back, I don't regret anything I ever did, because it does align with my beliefs (despite the perceived societal norms pressure).

Whatever you choose to do, it is really no one's business and there is no right or wrong on this one... so perhaps stop sharing you life details with others - if you think it antagonises some your friends or if you feel judged by them?

angell84 · 22/10/2019 14:34

I said this ln another thread. I was reading a book, and it had a really interesting chapter on sex. It said "women have forgotten about sex".

"If women knew how much of the man's energy they take from the man when they have sex, they would be very careful about who they have sex with"

E.g if you have sex with a nasty guy, who is doing bad things, you will absorb all of his bad energy.

If you have sex with a nice , decent person, you will exchange good energy.

Sex is very powerful

angell84 · 22/10/2019 14:38

Has anyone had sex with someone and you felt awful after.

The guy didn't treat you badly, but you just felt drained and depleted? That is him taking your energy.

Picture this: there is a nice, sweet girl who meets a really nasty, cruel guy. She has sex with him. What do you think happens?

He takes her energy - and she takes his.

That is why you often hear about men being cruel to one night stands. It is to take as much energy as possible

PumpkinP · 22/10/2019 14:38

I’m with you op. I actually don’t want to meet anyone as I don’t want to have sex with someone I don’t care about or love who equally doesn’t feel the same. I haven’t had sex in 3 years because of this and friends think I’m super weird! But they sleep with people on the first date and that kind of thing and it really isn’t for me. I had a friend who slept with a man on the first date who never contacted her again and she says that it doesn’t bother her, I just don’t get it, I would very very offended!

Teacher22 · 22/10/2019 14:45

Having been born in the fifties I can only say that the OP's approach has served me well. I wonder whether the current increase in mental health problems has anything at all to do with women not taking this approach and being unable to cope with the consequences. There are sound genetic reasons for the approach to sex of men and women being different.

clickymad · 22/10/2019 14:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Wetnappies · 22/10/2019 14:49

There's nothing wrong with your view, just as there's nothing wrong with your friends view. Your friends ABU to suggest otherwise to you though.

angell84 · 22/10/2019 14:49

@clickymad you flatter me. Because I don't remember you at all. Obviously you remember me lol. Sorry, when did you think you could control people posting on threads? You have been reported

DDIJ · 22/10/2019 14:51

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

TimeForNewStart · 22/10/2019 15:00

Nothing wrong with them telling you that they think you are going about things the wrong way, especially since your method has proved ineffective at achieving your desired end.

TimeForNewStart · 22/10/2019 15:03

That is why you often hear about men being cruel to one night stands

Eh? Confused I am willing to bet I’ve had more one night stands than you, and I have literally never had a man being cruel!

Alsohuman · 22/10/2019 15:04

Does a condom prevent the energy being absorbed?

No, because it’s not about body fluids.

Alsohuman · 22/10/2019 15:05

Nothing wrong with them telling you that they think you are going about things the wrong way, especially since your method has proved ineffective at achieving your desired end.

Neither has theirs.

PurpleTrilby · 22/10/2019 15:08

I agree it's completely up to you and your friends are being really very rude to say it's a 50s way to live (and I've done all sorts, ONSs aplenty and all of that, plus being very committed to monogamy with the right man). Maybe think of it this way, which is the only way it makes sense to me that they would be that rude and judgey: it's like when someone does not drink alcohol, lots of drinkers will take offence at this, because they feel it is a judgement on them. So they will ridicule the non-drinker and try to get them to indulge. Not because it's a good idea for the teetotal person, but to make themselves feel better about drinking at all. So your friends are taking offence, not because of what you do or don't, but because of how it makes them feel about themselves. I'm sorry about your ex, yeah total cunt.

Magicpaintbrush · 22/10/2019 15:17

OP, don't change just to suit your friend's opinions, that would be crazy, you do whatever you are happy and comfortable with. I am in total agreement with you that sex is the most intimate and special thing you can do with somebody, and unlike your friend I find it inexplicable that anybody would reduce it to just being another 'bodily function' like the equivalent of taking a shit or something, to me that is a really depressing way of thinking and devalues the entire thing. I know some people do think that way - and they are the ones I would go out of my way to avoid becoming a sexual partner with, therefore I think your way of doing things would actually eliminate anybody like that and you are more likely to end up with somebody who has similar values to yourself. Carry on as you are I say.

Autumn2019 · 22/10/2019 15:22

Your baby is very lucky to have a sensible mummy like you who doesn't go shagging randomly and come home with god knows what STD. Don't listen to your "friends" on this one.

I am sorry about what your ex did to you.
My muslim friends have told me that according to their culture/religion a woman who sleeps with a man before marriage is considered a "whore" (not literally, but more like a slut). It's just part of their culture/religious belief and is not a reflection on you. Don't change who you are for anybody.

Tensixtysix · 22/10/2019 15:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

clickymad · 22/10/2019 15:28

I think it i Women who jump in bed with anyone to 'try them out' is called a 'slag'. Or the 'village bicycle'. OP is correct to be choosy.*

GrinGrinGrin

Wooh there Nelly. A slightly outdated and very vicious attitude there.

ArnoldWhatshisknickers · 22/10/2019 15:39

YANBU, not in the least.

To be honest some of the comments from so called friends in your OP are just horrible.

Sex is just like urination? What the actual?

They sound extremely immature, that's the sort of nonsense teenagers who haven't actually ever had sex but watch too much porn spout.

An adult man worth being with will be happy to wait.

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 22/10/2019 15:40

*Teacher "I wonder whether the current increase in mental health problems has anything at all to do with women not taking this approach and being unable to cope with the consequences. There are sound genetic reasons for the approach to sex of men and women being different."

Pray tell more on how consensual sex gives women mental health problems?
And what these "sound genetic reasons" are between men and women?

Because it all sounds like a load of old fashioned hogwash to me.

PlasticPatty · 22/10/2019 15:54

Teacher22 you and I are of the same generation. Personally, I've come to take the view that a wanted shag is a great thing. It's the unwanted ones that might cause problems, and there are plenty of those within marriage.