to be unwilling to shag randomly?

[chakra2]

So, I have a personal belief that sex is really intimate and not something I want to engage in with people who don’t care about me or that I barely know. Mates think I've lost the plot with this way of living my life.
Obviously this is about how I choose to live MY life — what other people choose is their business. However, my female friends think I’m basically nuts to only want sex with a person I love. One friend said sex is “just a bodily function, like urinating or drinking a glass of water” and that you should shag a guy on the 1st date if possible to see whether he’s any good or not and whether you’re compatible before investing time in going out with him again.
Another friend said she’s surprised men even date me at all given that they’re not getting any sex for at least 3 or so months while I get to know them. Am told my behaviour belongs in the 1950s

@betternamepending

Are those friends all in a long and happy marriage?

Actually no. None of the ones saying these things are.

@thecatsthecats

Was your friend pointing that out?

Nope. She's been saying this stuff since before I ever even met my ex.

Your body, your choice. Your friend saying no-one will date you if they have to wait 3 months for a shag, that’s nonsense. There are some men out there who are looking for a meaningful relationship not just a shag, and they’re likely to be the nicer ones. Cunt ex an exception of course, sorry you had to go through that.

YANBU

There's absolutely nothing wrong with waiting, like there's nothing wrong with safe sex as soon as you meet someone. We all have our own preferences and you should always stick to what you're comfortable with

They don't sound like friends. They don't respect your decision. Plus why would this be news to them - have you not known them very long?

Another friend said she’s surprised men even date me at all given that they’re not getting any sex for at least 3 or so months while I get to know them.

I didn't realise the purpose of a relationship was for a woman to provide men with sex on demand. The sex, whether casual or otherwise should be when and because it's what you both want. It's not the price a woman has to pay to get a date - that's an awful way to think. And if it's the way a man is thinking I wouldn't want to be dating him anyway.

And I'm sorry about your last relationship but I think the way you are approaching the idea of a new one is healthier than that of some of your friends.

Not everybody shags someone on the first date. Whatever your friends may think.
There's nothing wrong with getting to know someone first.
It's none of their business.

I don't think any of my mates give a shiny shit about who I have sex with or after how long.

Why are your friends so invested that they have "lost the plot"?
That's the weird part!

However, he ended up saying that "only a whore" would have agreed to have sex with him when he hasn't even committed to marriage and he buggered off, discarded me while pregnant, and married somebody from his own background (he's Muslim). He maintained that the fact I had sex with him while only dating was disappointing to him.

I can never get over the irony of this kind of thinking, the absolute doublethink involved.

The obvious reply to that is then I guess you're a whore too by your own standards, never mind, always time to get some self respect and stop shagging people when you hold the views you do on sex. Me, I consider sex before marriage to be ok, therefore I'm not a whore or any other derogatory term, thanks. Bye bye then Mr Whorebag.

Not to give too much detail but one boyfriend was happy to wait a few months and we've now been married for twenty years and together for nearly 24. I'm sure it didn't not work with the others because of if or when I shagged them.

@BuzzShitbagBobbly

Why are your friends so invested that they have "lost the plot"?

I'm not sure I would say they are super invested. It's just whenever we talk about sex and relationships in general there are all these little digs made about my "1950s lifestyle"

@chakra2 I wouldn't worry about what your friends say, just keep on doing what you are happy and comfortable with. It's just a matter of personal preference/opinion. I'm exactly like you and even my mum wasn't alive in the 50s so it's not an old fashioned view! I don't like the idea of casual sex, I want a connection with the person. My DH happily waited 3 months for us to get to know each other before we had sex. Been together 8 years and married for 3 years :)

As long as you don't think it is unreasonable or wrong for some people to feel that isn't compatible with how they want to date and rule you out on that basis,I don't see a problem.

What I would say is that I have a friend like that and more than once, a relationship that was bubbling away nicely suddenly ends post sex. My friend has been hurt when she knew without a doubt that sex was the reason it ended. I think her approach might build things up so much that when the sexual energy between them isn't what they envisaged after having a good while to fantasise. The physical intimacy doesn't match the level of emotional intimacy they've acquired and it can just be awkward.

OP I'm so sorry you went through that with your ex - he is a piece of shit and you're much better off withouth him, please erase his ridiculous comments from your mind. I hope he is a decent father, if he is part of your DC's life.

And your friends are stupid and judgmental - sounds like they're just trying to justify their own approach to sex. Yours and theirs are both fine, whatever the individual is comfortable with. And both approaches may be appropriate at different points in people's lives.

I’d say it’s personal preference and if you want to “test drive” after the first date that’s fine.. and equally if you’d rather wait that’s up to you.

Don’t let cunty mc ex cloud your view or life forever, he’d have said something if you’d waited 15years and if you’d never touched him at all he’d have called you frigid. He knew he was having unmarried sex too.. wasn’t like you faked a wedding shagged him n ran away laughing.

If you want to follow your friends weird statement tell her it’s like shitting, some people only like to crap at home or in familiar toilets and some would go absolutely anywhere... does it matter which type you are unless your doing it in her front garden?

I completely agree. It is the most intimate thing you can do with someone.

I'm not sure I would say they are super invested. It's just whenever we talk about sex and relationships in general there are all these little digs made about my "1950s lifestyle"

They don't sound like very nice friends then, do they?
Find nicer people who don't put you down like these bitches do.

I’m the same as you OP, if my friends voiced a problem with it I would tell them where they could stick their opinion. But as my friends are nice and care about me they wouldn’t say anything horrible.

It doesn’t stop anyone finding a partner either, my boyfrind knew at the start that sex wouldn’t be on the table for a few months. He did care as he would usually have sex on a first date, so it was unusual for him, but he survived!

It is your choice,how you live your l life regarding men, so just carry on being you. I always feel sorry for those women,who have to tell others about their super sex with anyone stories.

Just to point out though, I was a young woman in the late 50's and 60's era, and random sex with lots of people,was quite prevalent,but not really discussed all that much. Just going out dancing and meeting people was how you met up as a rule. So no dating sites,no talk of friends with benefits etc.

I dare say,that the introduction of the birth control pill,urged many to go a bit wild. !

"1950s lifestyle"

Sounds interesting, can you elaborate a bit at all??

Ignore them, i'd even say find new friends. Sorry if I missed this somewhere but how old are they ?
I am exactly the same as you, I've never done the whole casual thing, only slept with people I liked and wanted a relationship with.
People can do as they please but they are so wrong to keep going on at you for not wanting to have casual things or ONS, it's absolutely none of their business !
I'd honestly be very firm with them and tell them to shut the f up.

other friend said she’s surprised men even date me at all given that they’re not getting any sex for at least 3 or so months while I get to know them. Am told my behaviour belongs in the 1950s

If anything, the idea that dating a man necessitates servicing his sexual needs belongs in the 1950s.

I agree with you.

I think women right now, are very pressured by other WOMEN to have sex with lots of men. It is weird isn't it? Why do women do that to each other. Why is having sex with loads of people now considered the norm, and if you don't you are weird.

I agree, that sex for me should be with some one who at least cares about me, and who I know is a decent person.

I am letting this person INSIDE my body, that is not to be sniffed at.

I also think if other people want to have sex with lots of people, great. But don't pressure other women into it.

People who judge you on their behaviour , are doing it because in that moment - they feel that their behaviour is wrong, and they take it out on you.

An example - I was out at a group meetup last week , with people that I had just met. One man drank ten times more than everyone else there. I wasn't drinking that night. He went on and on about how strange I was to not drink. That I was weird. I realised that he was doing it, so that he could normalise his own behaviour.

Never do what some one else tells you to do. It is your body

It really is none of their business. Find one person who is sympathetic t your views (all the important ones - not just this subject) and tell them the personal stuff, and don't tell other people. It's none of their business what you do or don't do in your relationships.

FWIW, I have two dch in their twenties, and they would both agree with you. My DS has been seeing his GF for a few weeks now and has not reached that stage yet - they are taking it very slowly!