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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want my children to travel an hour to school every morning?

115 replies

glg2108 · 22/10/2019 12:29

My children are 9 and 5, at present, I live a 10 minute walk from their school and their father a 5 minute drive. Our arrangement is that he picks the kids up from school on a Tuesday and I pick them back up on a Thursday. He doesn't have anything else do do with them except his set days.

He has decided to relocate (on Monday just found out) to somewhere that will now take around an hour to get them to school every morning (on a good day), yet doesn't seem to think this is an issue. My daughter has a club that goes on until 8pm one night which means my 5 year old won't be in bed until 9/9.30pm every week then having to get up again for school the next day.

He works in hospitality so it's not an option for him (apparently) to arrange to see them on weekends. There's nothing concrete for access/custody it's an informal arrangement at the moment.

May I add, he's moving into a 2 bedroom house with his new (pregnant) girlfriend and her son - who they have chucked out of his bedroom to sleep on a blowup mattress at the foot of their bed to make way for my children to sleep in his old room for the 2 nights they are there.

No one seems to be putting the kids first, am I being unreasonable to want to just keep them at mine for stability? If I'm not, is there any legality on my side?

OP posts:

MerryDeath · 22/10/2019 16:00

i would absolutely be challenging this and looking to change the arrangements. i don't know how you go about these things but i'd certainly not be accepting either the distance or what sounds like an unsuitably cramped house!

itsmecathycomehome · 22/10/2019 16:41

"i'd certainly not be accepting either the distance or what sounds like an unsuitably cramped house!"

I'm in a similar position to op and am not unsympathetic, but this sort of comment is unhelpful. In what way can op 'not accept' it? A court would not object to the distance or the fact that the dc do not have their own full time bedroom at his house.

OP can make suggestions and compromises and hope he steps up to put their best interests first, but fundamentally he has a right to contact. If he chooses to move an hour away, put them to bed late, cancel a class on his day, there's nothing op can do about it, just like he can't tell her what to do on her days.

I think they should go to court to get the contact days set in stone to avoid any ongoing issues, particularly given that he's already changed the arrangement once.

mikulkin · 22/10/2019 16:42

@00100001 don't disagree on any of the points. Having said that we are currently speculating on what will happen.

mikulkin · 22/10/2019 16:48

@glg2108 "I'm not saying that I'm not allowing contact. What I am saying is that those days are no longer feasible..."

and I am saying you are not the one to decide this. You can ask to see if the days can be changed, but if the answer is "no" then you just need to accept new arrangements whether you like them or not.

Any court would say the same to you. 1 hour drive to school and missing a club doesn't justify cancelling the days of contact if other days cannot be (or even are difficult to be) arranged.

Original poster

glg2108 · 22/10/2019 17:06

@itsmecathycomehome - I'd be interested to hear how your situation is and how you came to an agreement?

The last thing I want is to drag this through the courts to be honest, all I want is what's best for the kids.

@milkulkin - I see what you're saying and I'm sure if it came to a legal situation then that would no doubt be what the outcome would be. That doesn't mean to say that the new arrangement is what is best for the kids though and that is what time will tell. As you said it is speculation at the moment but I only have previous behaviour to go on and if it's wrong of me to want consistency in my kids lives with what they enjoy and reasonable bedtimes/10 mins up the road to school with their friends so shoot me.

OP posts:

CircleCircleOverUnderTurnAroun · 22/10/2019 17:08

Travel time to school off less than an hour isn't an issue. We do that with my DP's (5 and7) kids two or three days a week (depending on the week) and they're fine in the car with me or my DP. They don't have to get up earlier as they are up far too early anyway! lol

My older children are only 8 miles from school and one has a taxi ride of 30 mins, the other a bus journey of longer than it takes to drive DP's kids 40 miles! And it is only two or three days a week- they're a ten minute walk from school the other days, so actually have a far better commute over the week than my kids do!

Three bedroom situation however sounds like a nightmare...

itsgettingweird · 22/10/2019 17:22

As their routine and clubs etc is already more established I'd say he needs to reconsider GF and her ds moving to him.

My friends DDs do 50:50 with their dad who will sit in sports centre next door and watch GF son do his sport but refuses to take them to theirs (some of the time) even when they are at his.

The kids have now asked themselves to get the arrangement order changed as they don't want 50:50 and to be second best.

Original poster

glg2108 · 22/10/2019 17:27

@itsgettingweird that would have been ideal however they didn't want to disrupt her child. The future plan is apparently to move even further away to closer to her parents come next summer so they can see the baby so what happens then when it's even longer to school?

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 22/10/2019 17:34

I think getting the girlfriend to move and disrupt her son is unfair actually as that would involve him moving school.

I think offering until Weds evening makes sense. Does he have family around here?

Original poster

glg2108 · 22/10/2019 17:35

@Quartz2208 no none at all.

OP posts:

HeyNotInMyName · 22/10/2019 18:43

If the plan is for your ex to move even further in the summer then that SAHD another light in things again.

If he moves further, he physically won’t be able to pick them up and drop them back again. If he also doesn’t want them at the weekend, then he basically telling you his dcs are not his priority. In which case, I would not accept to see the dcs going to bed late and being disturbed in what they do activity wise for a few o months to see him more or less disappearing after that.

Original poster

glg2108 · 22/10/2019 18:56

@HeyNotInMyName - that's pretty much my thoughts. Yes he's their Dad, yes he's 'entitled to contact' but at what detriment to the kids and what they know and are secure with?

Anyway, totally appreciate all the advice on here, I've arranged an appointment with the head teacher at the school to explain their new living arrangements come next week, voice my concerns and ask a close eye to be kept on any lateness, dwindling performance or behaviour changes so that we can do what is best for the kids.

OP posts:

mikulkin · 23/10/2019 16:18

@glg2018 I am amazed that you believe "consistency in my kids lives with what they enjoy and reasonable bedtimes/10 mins up the road to school with their friends" is more important than time spent with their dad.

mankyfourthtoe · 23/10/2019 17:01

But what about what their dad has done. Chosen to move an hr away with the plans to move further. He's not bothered on the impact on his quality time. The kids will be knackered or stir crazy by the time tv way get to his.

helpmum2003 · 23/10/2019 20:26

The father has shown no respect at all for his existing children and their lives.

I would be trying to keep their clubs etc going as it's a consistent area in their life. Very late bedtimes are not appropriate on school days.

I would be even less inclined to compromise if he plans to move even further away. I despair of these parents who jump headlong into the next relationship and pregnancy. Utterly grim.

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