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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my children to travel an hour to school every morning?

115 replies

glg2108 · 22/10/2019 12:29

My children are 9 and 5, at present, I live a 10 minute walk from their school and their father a 5 minute drive. Our arrangement is that he picks the kids up from school on a Tuesday and I pick them back up on a Thursday. He doesn't have anything else do do with them except his set days.

He has decided to relocate (on Monday just found out) to somewhere that will now take around an hour to get them to school every morning (on a good day), yet doesn't seem to think this is an issue. My daughter has a club that goes on until 8pm one night which means my 5 year old won't be in bed until 9/9.30pm every week then having to get up again for school the next day.

He works in hospitality so it's not an option for him (apparently) to arrange to see them on weekends. There's nothing concrete for access/custody it's an informal arrangement at the moment.

May I add, he's moving into a 2 bedroom house with his new (pregnant) girlfriend and her son - who they have chucked out of his bedroom to sleep on a blowup mattress at the foot of their bed to make way for my children to sleep in his old room for the 2 nights they are there.

No one seems to be putting the kids first, am I being unreasonable to want to just keep them at mine for stability? If I'm not, is there any legality on my side?

OP posts:
seaweedandmarchingbands · 22/10/2019 13:22

I’m not going to be very popular for saying this, but contact with her father (assuming he isn’t abusive) is more important than an after school club. That would have to be dropped. The bedroom situation isn’t ideal but it’s workable. The commute to school is far from ideal, but if everyone is willing to try to make it work, your children can continue their relationship with their father.

TheRobinIsBobbingAlong · 22/10/2019 13:22

When is the gf's baby due? I shouldn't think it would be much fun having her DS and the baby in their room when your DCs stay the night. This whole new arrangement has 'unworkable' written all over it.

Freddiefox · 22/10/2019 13:23

He may be proposing the arrangement expecting you to object and passing you the blame

This. Don’t fall for this.

If I was in your shoes I’d speak to the children and see how they feel and whether they have strong feeling either way about going. If they were neutral about it I would encourage them to go so you are not painted as the contact blocker.

Quartz2208 · 22/10/2019 13:24

It’s not really up to you to allow or not allow it. Flag it up and see what happens and how the children react

NoSquirrels · 22/10/2019 13:26

Can you change the days off the long club day? That sounds terrifically unfair on your littlest, bit in bed til gone 9 every week in a midweek school night.

GPatz · 22/10/2019 13:28

'Flag it up and see what happens and how the children react'

And what it f the children react badly?

user1487194234 · 22/10/2019 13:29

None of it sounds great,but contact between the children and their father,generally speaking ,is to be encouraged.

In the short term could your DD drop her club

Quartz2208 · 22/10/2019 13:30

Then she has scope to end it and talk it through with him and evidence if he fights it

Unilaterally just stopping without giving it a try would not look good if he decided to fight it

GrumpyHoonMain · 22/10/2019 13:33

I agree it’s his problem to sort out. Make sure you make it clear when bedtime is - he has to make sure they’re back by then. If they aren’t take this to court

seaweedandmarchingbands · 22/10/2019 13:34

I don’t know why he wouldn’t just cancel the club himself, tbh. It’s what I would do.

Caplin · 22/10/2019 13:36

As @quartz2208 says, it really isn’t up to you.

Plenty of kids at my kid’s school travel about an hour each way (on school buses), they survive. They can always sleep in the car.

As for the house, sounds like they are trying their best to make sure your kids have decent sleeping space. Plenty of families crush more people into that space.

You can always review days if it isn’t working.

Spanglyprincess1 · 22/10/2019 13:38

My dp exw did this moved and still expected him to do school run at 35 min each way.
We still do it 3 years later.
So I wouldn't bed that a court would find it unreasonable provide he can accommodate it.
The house would not count as overcrowded either given the ages and size. Maybe they can do an extension or move somewhere bigger later.
It isn't ideal but there isn't actual anything wrong about doing this and rp do this also.

FizzyGreenWater · 22/10/2019 13:39

my 5 year old won't be in bed until 9/9.30pm every week then having to get up again for school the next day.

that's just not good parenting. It's not ok, it's far too late - and especially exhausting if actually she's out doing stuff from early that morning and not even getting home (thus probably not eating properly) until so late.

You can indeed not allow that.

I would initially suggest moving the system to him picking up on a Monday and you taking over from end school Weds to avoid the really late Weds bedtime/club stuff. In fact I'd insist on that - the 9.30 5 year old bedtime would be a flat no.

He sounds a dick though, so I would expect this to be the start of things tailing off. It's no coincidence that this is happening now that his gf is pregnant I would sadly say.

BillHadersNewWife · 22/10/2019 13:40

My nieces did this until recently....they left school over the past two years but were at the same school from reception to 18. They drove an hour there and an hour back daily. They were fine.

Wallywobbles · 22/10/2019 13:43

Yup I'd say not your problem. Let reality be the cold water in his shower.

sashab1 · 22/10/2019 13:45

Something strange going on here - why would he suddenly relocate to a 2 bedroom house when they have one child living with them permanently, one on the way and your 2 who stay a few nights a week?
Either he really hasn't thought this through, or like the others have said, is going to dramatically drop access when reality sets in.
It's a difficult one as you don't want to put the kids through that until he realises how difficult it will be, but also if you put a stop to it now, the blame for reduced access could be put on you?

jennymanara · 22/10/2019 13:46

I used to do an hours commute at least to school as I lived in a rural area, so it is doable and there will be children who do this. Whether it is in the best interests of the kids is another question.
In terms of weekends, he does need to keep his job.

bridgetreilly · 22/10/2019 13:52

Definitely don't allow it and if necessary get a formal custody arrangement in place.

Original poster
glg2108 · 22/10/2019 13:53

I've got to be honest here with the ones saying cancel the club...

Why should my daughter have to give up something she loves and has done for the best part of 6 years have to give it up because of his selfishness?

I'd more than happily say forget the Wednesday I'll sort them out and let him arrange another day to see them (but a bit of background on that, he made a whole song and dance about introducing the new bird after a month so he could spend quality time on the weekends with them altogether when he wasn't working... he is yet to even ask once to have them for any additional days).

For those saying it's really not up to me... you are right, he is free to do as he pleases, however I will be dammed if he gets to do that to the detriment of my children - someone has to put them first.

OP posts:
MontStMichel · 22/10/2019 13:53

In law, when it comes to SEN children and the LA has to provide transport for them to school, the rule is that transport should not be so stressful and tiring that the children cannot benefit from their education when they get to school. The rule of thumb for primary aged children is a maximum journey time of 45 mins each way.

While this does not apply to parents transporting their own children to school, the same principle is likely to apply - are the children, especially the 5 year old likely to be too tired to benefit from their education when they get to school? Presumably, they will have to get up 50 minutes earlier than they do now - do they sleep in the car to make up for it, or not?

FizzyGreenWater · 22/10/2019 13:53

why would he suddenly relocate to a 2 bedroom house when they have one child living with them permanently, one on the way and your 2 who stay a few nights a week?

Because the kids' needs come last for a man like this.

Beveren · 22/10/2019 13:55

He will either want the club to be cancelled, or to move the dates.

FizzyGreenWater · 22/10/2019 13:55

No, don't cancel the club.

Give him the options of Mon-Weds am instead, or Tues-Weds am with a weekend visit.

Tell him there will be no sharing dropoffs - you won't pay extra for his selfish decisions.

And don't care so much about the painting you as the bad one - he will anyway if his plan is to tail off contact, so just put the kids first.

Quartz2208 · 22/10/2019 13:56

the problem is OP legally at the moment there is no evidence it will be to the detriment of your children. Lots have that kind of travel to school

Only you know how much he will push back if you say no. But not seeing their father at all wont be seen as putting them first. There is room for you to compromise for example Monday to Weds, just tues to Weds, weds to Fri. If he isnt willing to talk through that is on him

What about if he has them Tuesday night and you pick your DD up after the club on Wednesday.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 22/10/2019 13:57

Why should my daughter have to give up something she loves and has done for the best part of 6 years have to give it up because of his selfishness?

For me, that wouldn’t be why. It would be so she could see her dad. And in my family, that would come first.

My view isn’t going to be popular on here, but when I had my child with my DH, it was in the knowledge that a split could happen one day. I thought about it then, and I know I think the same thing now: I would have to do what I could to facilitate her relationship with him, because her relationship with him is partly my responsibility. 🤷🏻‍♀️

But I understand you disagree.

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