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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want my children to travel an hour to school every morning?

115 replies

glg2108 · 22/10/2019 12:29

My children are 9 and 5, at present, I live a 10 minute walk from their school and their father a 5 minute drive. Our arrangement is that he picks the kids up from school on a Tuesday and I pick them back up on a Thursday. He doesn't have anything else do do with them except his set days.

He has decided to relocate (on Monday just found out) to somewhere that will now take around an hour to get them to school every morning (on a good day), yet doesn't seem to think this is an issue. My daughter has a club that goes on until 8pm one night which means my 5 year old won't be in bed until 9/9.30pm every week then having to get up again for school the next day.

He works in hospitality so it's not an option for him (apparently) to arrange to see them on weekends. There's nothing concrete for access/custody it's an informal arrangement at the moment.

May I add, he's moving into a 2 bedroom house with his new (pregnant) girlfriend and her son - who they have chucked out of his bedroom to sleep on a blowup mattress at the foot of their bed to make way for my children to sleep in his old room for the 2 nights they are there.

No one seems to be putting the kids first, am I being unreasonable to want to just keep them at mine for stability? If I'm not, is there any legality on my side?

OP posts:

Original poster

glg2108 · 22/10/2019 13:58

@FizzyGreenWater

They both have stuff on a Monday too which wouldn't work either.

I don't know whether I just suggest he sorts his shifts at the weekends so he can pick them up Saturday evening have all day Sunday actually doing something with them and then drops them on a Monday at school?

OP posts:

Original poster

glg2108 · 22/10/2019 14:03

@Quartz2208

I get what you're saying and what others have said- until there is evidence there isn't anything I can do.

It's a hard one to sit and stomach that until something (that I'm 99% will go wrong because I know my kids) goes wrong and it's too late there is nothing I can do.

I'd never stop them seeing their Dad, that's not my intention at all but what is my intention is to make sure my kids have the most stable and secure life they can.

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 22/10/2019 14:08

and @glg2108 you are right and reasonable - you can now sit down and give him more options and say you can be flexible and see what he says. Ultimately it may end in him stopping contact so for everyones sake you need to have done all you do

FizzyGreenWater · 22/10/2019 14:10

All day just one day of the weekend sounds ok, bear in mind as they get older there will be one-off weekend things happening which will either eat into that or mean they miss out - but tbf most kids of separated parents have that. As long as it's not every weekend all weekend, so you get weekend time with them too that's fine.

However, how about this instead:

Tuesday to Weds morning stays as it is.
Weds pm - he does school pick up, takes both of them for food/supplies picnic or whatever. Drops older one at club, then takes younger one for 1-on-1 time at local to you/school soft play. Drops younger one back to you for bedtime then gets older one from club, either then drops older one back OR then takes older one for some 1-on-1 time (bear in mind if they aren't getting up an hour earlier to travel an hour to school on the Thurs, this can run a bit later). So post-club milkshake or something with older one. Then back to you.

This way he doesn't lose out on anything except the drive back, a swift bedtime then up and school on Thurs - not a lot of quality time there really. You could also suggest something else fortnightly to make up for any lost time - every other Sunday depending on shifts?

Suggesting a new plan like that makes it look as if you've given thought to how this can work and quality time be maintained - while sticking to an absolute red line on crazy travel and bedtimes for a 5 year old.

LavendarGreen · 22/10/2019 14:18

@glg2108 YANBU. When my DC were at secondary school, it took them an hour and 10 to 15 minutes to get to school, (by bus,) and the same back. A round trip of two and a half HOURS. It was only 5 fucking miles. No bus went straight there, so they had to change for a different bus (that went past the school,) in the town centre.

The school used to to moan, and give disapproving looks and a bit of attitude to parents who brought their kids in by car. Yeah, like I'm going to inflict a 2 and a half hour round-trip to school and back, (in addition to the 7 hours they were already there,) when it was 20-25 minutes round-trip in the car.

The Head Teacher (and the rest of the teachers, and school staff) drove to school in their car, so I don't know why they expected some of the children to tolerate a two and a half hour round trip on the sodding bus. AND the bus stop was 7-8 minutes walk from the school, so they'd get soaked if it was raining!

TimeForNewStart · 22/10/2019 14:21

That sounds like a good solution.

You would be massively unreasonable to stop contact.

Original poster

glg2108 · 22/10/2019 14:32

@TimeForNewStart not once did I say I would stop contact...

@seaweedandmarchingbands it is not for me to facilitate their Dad making time for them. It's for him to fit around what they already do if he's going to change his own plans. Correct his spending time with them is important but not at the detriment of their happiness in other areas. He needs to work around that.

OP posts:

00100001 · 22/10/2019 14:35

@seaweedandmarchingbands
"I’m not going to be very popular for saying this, but contact with her father (assuming he isn’t abusive) is more important than an after school club. That would have to be dropped."
Then Dad can be the one to explain her why she has to drop the club.

"The bedroom situation isn’t ideal but it’s workable."
Until a couple of years times when a pre-teen doesn't want to share a room with her little brother, or the resident boy doesn't want to share with Mum and Dad or an older step-sister... or a baby.

"The commute to school is far from ideal, but if everyone is willing to try to make it work, your children can continue their relationship with their father."
When you say "everyone", the person trying to make it work is the Dad and the Dad alone, who chose to move an hour away from his kids school.

OP Why has he moved an hour away? Is it for his work?

mankyfourthtoe · 22/10/2019 14:35

I'd give him a few alternatives that work for your kids and you.
I'd tell him what has to happen, they need a proper meal, decent bedtime, be on time for school in the morning and for him to be on time to collect, that dd doesn't miss her clubs.
And then I'd leave him to it.

Original poster

glg2108 · 22/10/2019 14:38

@00100001 he's moving in with his new girlfriend and her son who he got pregnant after 4 months of them being together.

OP posts:

00100001 · 22/10/2019 14:41

Is it just where she happens to be living?

How does this affect his commute to work?

seaweedandmarchingbands · 22/10/2019 14:42

It is not for me to facilitate their Dad making time for them. It's for him to fit around what they already do if he's going to change his own plans. Correct his spending time with them is important but not at the detriment of their happiness in other areas. He needs to work around that.

In no way am I trying to tell you what to think, but that isn’t what I think.

Comefromaway · 22/10/2019 14:44

If anyone had told my dd that she had to stop dancing at that age (other than for serious financial reasons when she would have tried to understand) then she'd have resented them forever. Same with my son for his music.

Good parents put their kids first within reason. They don't make them give up something they love and are good at for their so called needs. It's the kids needs that matter.

Original poster

glg2108 · 22/10/2019 14:44

@00100001 yeah didn't want to cause upheaval to her son's schooling apparently.

Reckons he will be able to commute back and forth, finishing at 11pm most nights... tbh he is deluded if he thinks any of it will work.

OP posts:

seaweedandmarchingbands · 22/10/2019 14:46

It's the kids needs that matter.

Of course. And all the research I am aware of shows that good relationships with both parents are more important than extra-curricular activities. But others can have their own opinions on that.

Comefromaway · 22/10/2019 14:48

It's not going to be a good relationship though is it if he's forcing her to give up the dancing due to his selfish wants.

But then again I allowed my dd to go to school 50 miles away from me with her dad so she could continue her dancing. She is 18 now and constantly thanks me for letting her have that opportunity.

mymadworld · 22/10/2019 14:48

Does he really honestly work every Saturday and Sunday? Of course I know plenty of people do, but i can't help thinking, based on what you've written here, if blaming his shifts is a convenient way of keeping weekends to himself when actually shifting it to say Sunday am to Monday pm plus alternative Fridays nights might be a much more workable solution.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 22/10/2019 14:49

Comefromaway

I get that point of view, I just don’t share it.

Original poster

glg2108 · 22/10/2019 14:49

@seaweedandmarchingbands trust me no good relationship would be maintained with the parent who had to tell her she couldn't go anymore!

OP posts:

jennymanara · 22/10/2019 14:50

If he works in the hospitality industry as OP says, then Monday is usually a very slow day and has less staff on.
I don't know OPs ex, maybe he is trying it on, but in the hospitality industry evenings and weekends are the norm.

Original poster

glg2108 · 22/10/2019 14:51

@mymadworld he runs a restaurant. I'm fairly sure he could, if he really wanted to, sort something out. Also, l mentioned earlier he once made.noise about wanting to take them the odd Friday or Saturday night but this has been yet to materialise.

OP posts:

seaweedandmarchingbands · 22/10/2019 14:51

glg2108

I’m not going to comment anymore. I fundamentally believe the relationship needs to come first (and I also think it’s very unlikely that no other opportunities to dance will be available - she’s 9). But we are clearly not aligned on that.

00100001 · 22/10/2019 14:56

well, he's not going to be seeing much of his stepkids and new baby now, is he? If he's adding on another ~2hrs each day just for getting to/from work?

Surely it won't last?

Fuckenstein · 22/10/2019 14:57

I think @FizzyGreenWater has made a good suggestion.

I think it is absolutely not on to make the kids drop their hobbies. Why should they miss out because their dad has chosen to move away. That wouldn't be an option for me.

00100001 · 22/10/2019 14:59

@seaweedandmarchingbands "I fundamentally believe the relationship needs to come first (and I also think it’s very unlikely that no other opportunities to dance will be available - she’s 9). But we are clearly not aligned on that."

Yes it does need to come first. But it is the ADULT that needs to facilitate that relationship. The DAD needs to explain why she should give up her club. The reason being "I moved an hour away so your Ste-brother wasn't adversely affected in his schooling and clubs. So YOU have to give up your club, because your step-brother is more important than you..."

It shouldn't be for OP to tell daughter. Nor should it be for daughter to decide between Dad and a Club. Dad is making this decision for her, so needs to be the one to explain it to her AND deal with the fallout....

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