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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want my children to travel an hour to school every morning?

115 replies

glg2108 · 22/10/2019 12:29

My children are 9 and 5, at present, I live a 10 minute walk from their school and their father a 5 minute drive. Our arrangement is that he picks the kids up from school on a Tuesday and I pick them back up on a Thursday. He doesn't have anything else do do with them except his set days.

He has decided to relocate (on Monday just found out) to somewhere that will now take around an hour to get them to school every morning (on a good day), yet doesn't seem to think this is an issue. My daughter has a club that goes on until 8pm one night which means my 5 year old won't be in bed until 9/9.30pm every week then having to get up again for school the next day.

He works in hospitality so it's not an option for him (apparently) to arrange to see them on weekends. There's nothing concrete for access/custody it's an informal arrangement at the moment.

May I add, he's moving into a 2 bedroom house with his new (pregnant) girlfriend and her son - who they have chucked out of his bedroom to sleep on a blowup mattress at the foot of their bed to make way for my children to sleep in his old room for the 2 nights they are there.

No one seems to be putting the kids first, am I being unreasonable to want to just keep them at mine for stability? If I'm not, is there any legality on my side?

OP posts:

FizzyGreenWater · 22/10/2019 15:06

At 9, of course being told she has to drop her club to facilitate her Dad's new lifestyle will affect their relationship!

It's not like a 5 year old. And it's not just about a sense of 'it's not fair' and the missing out - it's more a case of that child being given a perfectly clear example of their parent not putting them first.

I would also say that as it's going to be a tricky time anyway with a new step-sibling on the way, giving out the message that it's your kids who are going to have to compromise because Daddy has other responsibilities now and has chosen to move further from them etc is possibly a very big mistake.

But more than anything, sadly the main reason I wouldn't allow dropping a club she loves is because I would totally expect him to start tailing off contact anyway and I wouldn't want to alter her life to facilitate something which isn't looking good from the get go.

FizzyGreenWater · 22/10/2019 15:08

yeah didn't want to cause upheaval to her son's schooling apparently

but pregnant to a new guy after 4 months then moving him in is dandy.

There isn't a far enough up my forehead for my eyebrows to go.

KatyCarrCan · 22/10/2019 15:12

It's for him to fit around what they already do
I understand your anger and frustration but actually I don't think ^^ this is correct. As a family, you make decisions about what works best for your circumstances. That might not be a 3-hr dance class that necessitates your other DC sitting around for 3 hours.
When we moved, we didn't keep DC at the same clubs because it wasn't the most practical solution.
You obviously have a lot of 'opinions/anger/resentment' about the new gf and coming baby. Understandably so, but don't let that impact to the detriment of your own DC.

inlectorecumbit · 22/10/2019 15:15

Not only the tiem travelling but he will also be paying a lot more on petrol/diesel as well as wear and tear on the car.
With a new baby on the scene as well l dont think contact this way will work for him.

mikulkin · 22/10/2019 15:15

OP, it is not ideal but I am surprised at this sentence "Why should my daughter have to give up something she loves and has done for the best part of 6 years have to give it up because of his selfishness? "

Simple answer because it is her father and not allowing contact means you think club is more important than time spent with her father. He might be selfish or he might need to relocate for some specific reasons but the point is children need to see their parents and it is parents' responsibility to arrange that. He is willing to arrange it, you are not.
Plenty of children commute an hour to school by the way.

jennymanara · 22/10/2019 15:16

OP if he is running a restaurant, asking him to pick them up on Saturday evening is unrealistic. It is the busiest time.
You should talk to him about seeing if you can organise a better access arrangement given the travel, but you need to be realistic too.

mikulkin · 22/10/2019 15:16

@KatyCarrCan i couldn't have said it better

jennymanara · 22/10/2019 15:17

Also the commute is basically for 2 days of school. Others 3 days there is no commute.

HappyDinosaur · 22/10/2019 15:18

Sounds like your ex needs a better zip for his trousers. I think you are right to be concerned, it's not healthy for young children to be travelling this long for school. From 11 onwards I did an hour commute to and from school by coach, I was exhausted, but at least I could get homework done and chat to my friends on the journey then I just had dinner and flopped when I got home. Doesn't seem like he's going to see them much at all except for in the car! I don't know what the solution is but you should definitely broach the subject with him. Sounds pretty unfair on all the children involved.

mikulkin · 22/10/2019 15:19

@00100001 Everyone is doing compromises. The step-brother (which you say is more important) is giving up his bedroom so that these children can stay in a separate room.
And changing schools to giving up one dance class (or changing it closer to where the father lives) is completely different.

KatyCarrCan · 22/10/2019 15:20

I should probably point out that although when we moved house, we moved DCs to different clubs, we did keep DCs at the same school. So a move meant an hour commute (which as a PP said - lots of DCs have) but there's no way I'd have kept them at classes where the timings and locations no longer worked.

NearlyGranny · 22/10/2019 15:26

This will crash down quite rapidly without the OP needing to stir a finger. Offering to flex the days to accommodate children's activities shows a willingness to bend over backwards to enable contact. It seems he has planned none of these changes. He doesn't seem that hot at planning these days, especially of the family variety. My money is on him calling by week 3 at the latest to say he can't pick up. Do make notes of it all, OP. The DC will cope for the short term.

To those saying children on school buses cope, yes they do, but the bus drivers are at their paid work and not driving before or after another job. And commuters dropping children aren't turning round and going back to base before starting work and he might be.

He is the weakest link here. Add some pressure from the new, pregnant DP about her house being crowded with small people she barely knows but has to mind while he works evening in his restaurant and I think we can all see where this is headed.

Quartz2208 · 22/10/2019 15:28

WIth running a restaurant the Tuesday to Thursday makes sense. Weekends just arent going to appear and given the fact his girlfriend has already com

It is a shit situation and one which you are going to have to navigate around. I think

Tuesday evening at his. Weds his picks up after school and then drops off with you is what you should suggest. His SS is only not in his room one night (and it should be his room for the rest of time) and he is not really missing out on any actual contact just travel and sleep time

Original poster

glg2108 · 22/10/2019 15:31

@KatyCarrCan my resentment and anger comes from their father not putting them first.

It's probably worth pointing out that I too am in a new relationship (although it's only been 10 months so we are taking things slowly with kids) so there are no hard feelings in the sense he is with someone else (I broke off the relationship).

So what you're then that "as a family" the right decision has to be that they commute to school an
hour and miss out on activities they enjoy to accommodate him?

Personally that's not the route I intend to go down, more that I'll be looking to come to an alternative arrangement that is better for my children and puts them first over him.

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 22/10/2019 15:32

OP what about:

Tuesday evening at his. Weds his picks up after school and then drops off with you is what you should suggest.

So in effect what you have now except they come back to yours?

Original poster

glg2108 · 22/10/2019 15:33

@jennymanara I actually do work for the restaurant (marketing not in the venue) and know the owner so I know some sort of compromise could be made between the Fridays and Saturdays...

OP posts:

Original poster

glg2108 · 22/10/2019 15:36

@milkulkin
Simple answer because it is her father and not allowing contact means you think club is more important than time spent with her father. He might be selfish or he might need to relocate for some specific reasons but the point is children need to see their parents and it is parents' responsibility to arrange that. He is willing to arrange it, you are not.
Plenty of children commute an hour to school by the way.

I'm not saying that I'm not allowing contact. What I am saying is that those days are no longer feasible...

OP posts:

KatyCarrCan · 22/10/2019 15:37

It's not about missing activities to accommodate him. You keep framing it like that. But actually it's about scheduling activities so they can still have a relationship with their DF.
You're trying to micromanage his life under the pretext of defending your DCs. You can't micromanage him. He has moved and you can rail against it but ultimately it would be better to consider your DCs' activities as the part that's adjustable rather than their relationship with their DF as the inconvenience.

Original poster

glg2108 · 22/10/2019 15:39

@FizzyGreenWater honestly I could write an award winning novel based on his behaviour...

OP posts:

Original poster

glg2108 · 22/10/2019 15:41

@Quartz2208

I think that's probably how it will need to go, he can pick up Tuesday drop them off Wednesday and then I'll pick them up Wednesday and if he can be arsed to accommodate them on another day that suits better he is more than welcome. Failing that it's him who will miss out but that will be his doing.

OP posts:

Original poster

glg2108 · 22/10/2019 15:43

@NearlyGranny this is pretty much the stance of my family and friends...

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 22/10/2019 15:44

I would offer him until pick up from your daughters activity and then he drops at yours as then they are not missing out on any real contact time

Original poster

glg2108 · 22/10/2019 15:48

@KatyCarrCan - I'm not even rising to that lol.

My kids and their happiness comes first. I've no desire to micromanage him or what he does but I won't see them unhappy or their schooling suffer when it could be avoided with a different arrangement. As other posters have said and I'd imagine are probably right the way he acts, he'll get bored and sack it all off in a couple of months because that's what he did with previous contact time that didn't suit because he wanted to spend it with the GF. I'm just looking for a way that has the least disruption and the least disappointment for my children.

OP posts:

HeyNotInMyName · 22/10/2019 15:53

Being an hour away from school isn’t an issue imo.
That was the case for me as a child due to the location where we were living. It was the case for my niece who was taking the school bus to go to school - rural area. What would have been a 10mins drive by car was an hour trip with the bus due to all the stops and the very ‘varied’ path it was using.

The going to bed at 9.30pm is way too late. That means your dc will simply have to miss said activity. It would expect your ex to sort out something else closer to his house instead.

00100001 · 22/10/2019 15:59

@mikulkin

Yes, but it should still be the DAD explaining to the child why she needs to give up her club. And unfortunately the only reason is because he chose to move an hour away.

And I seriously doubt the bedroom situation will last much longer, there will be resentment. The two non-res children won't have their own space in their Dad's house. The res children will get bored of giving up 'their' room for the step-kids.
Unless OPs ex is planning on moving them all to a 3 bed house at some point, I don't see how it will work long term.

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