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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think I've been a complete fool?

128 replies

KanelbulleKing · 22/10/2019 12:09

My DS is 6 and autistic. He's a very quiet, gentle child who is often a bit invisible because he doesn't assert himself. He goes to mainstream school but doesn't really have any friends. He'll happily join in games with the other kids but is always kind of on the fringes, not quite connecting with the others. He's never been invited to a play date or a birthday party but I think that's because he's never in anyone's inner circle.

So I was really pleased when over the summer he got a few invitations to go to a local theme park. He had a lovely time and I was really grateful that he was included.

It's half term next week and the theme park is doing halloween stuff all week. Again DS has been invited by 2 families for definite and 1 not yet confirmed. Wonderful, or so I thought. I mentioned it to my friend earlier and she pointed out that the park has a new policy for disabled visitors whereby they get an exit pass and can take 5 other people with them.

What a fucking idiot am I? DS is being invited so that they get to jump the queues. I feel like crying at the thought of him being used, but at the same time he's more than happy to go. So I guess this is more a WWYD, put a stop to it as they're exploiting him or allow it to continue as it's mutually beneficial? My head is a mess.

OP posts:

Bellringer · 22/10/2019 12:44

Why not take him yourself and invite some of his friends and their parents

formerbabe · 22/10/2019 12:47

I might be tempted to say to one of the parents, that one of my relatives (don't mention the actual woman who told you this) suspects they're doing this but in a jokey way...

"Oh, you'll never believe what my cousin/in law/random relative thinks, that you're only taking him to get quicker entry to the park? (Tinkly laugh). Can you imagine? How ridiculous!''

Then gauge their reaction.

SpoonBlender · 22/10/2019 12:48

Pretty much the entire point of the quick-pass system is to encourage disabled kids to get time in with friends, which is otherwise more difficult for disabled kids. Not taking advantage of it would be ridiculous. Give your son the days out.

Tonkerbea · 22/10/2019 12:50

Just to clarify- did you go with him to the theme park when the families invited him over the summer?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 22/10/2019 12:51

could you ask your son if he remembers being fast tracked, having to show his bracelet etc?

badger2005 · 22/10/2019 12:51

I feel like a lot of young childrens' friendships are not very 'pure'! E.g. 'I want to go to X's house so that I can play with his or her [fancy game/puppy etc], or because we always get icecream there, or because we get a lift home in a big car' etc. Now I understand this, I've started (to some extent) playing along with this, and make sure that visiting friends have nice food and a good time etc because that will help get the friendship going, which might result in something a bit real-er (and realistically will always have selfish elements too).

I know it is a bit more extreme, but I might be tempted to see your situation along the same lines. Even if they have partly selfish reasons for including your child, it is a chance for friendships to develop, which may grow into real liking. It's not a very 'pure' beginning, but I think the beginnings of children's friendships are often not very pure.

starfishmummy · 22/10/2019 12:53

Tbh I cant imagine anyone taking a child with additional needs out for the day without one of their parents going along. I always go with my son.

Honeyroar · 22/10/2019 12:54

If you're son is enjoying going and the families and children are nice I think I'd leave it be and let him go have fun. Even if your friend's suspicions are correct, surely the more he mixes with the other children and families in these small groups, the more included and accepted he will be generally and the more he will make friends? Do you think he could get hurt somehow?

Hollachica · 22/10/2019 12:55

You know what everyone brings something to a relationship. Even if it was the case, use it to your advantage and let him go. He will feel included, learn to interact and it will make him feel good.

PowerslidePanda · 22/10/2019 12:57

I don't think NearlyGranny is actually suggesting sending him to the park without his bracelet - just telling the host parent that it's been lost and seeing if the plans suddenly "coincidentally" change. It's a good idea.

HeyMissyYouSoFine · 22/10/2019 12:58

Honestly taking a child to a theme park (disabled or not) is something nobody would do UNLESS they liked them. Your friend was a piece of shit to suggest this

I think this as well.

I have taken child out with my kids only to find them a pita- fact that they are inviting him again suggests they like him and as he enjoyed the trip I'd let him do it again.

Vilanelle · 22/10/2019 13:01

I would initially ask Son, "oooh I bet the queues are very long for the rides" and see what he says. Although this could risk him cottoning on.

You shouldn't assume OP. And the kids would be non the wiser. Try tagging along one trip

Wheresthebeach · 22/10/2019 13:04

I think it's awful of your 'friend' to say this.

Your son is having a lovely time, don't let this frenemy ruin it for you or him. Nobody would spend multiple days with a child who isn't liked.

SabineSchmetterling · 22/10/2019 13:12

Your friend sounds really unpleasant. It says far more about her view of your DS than anyone else’s. It speaks volumes that she can’t think of any other reason why people would want to invite him along. Of course it’s possible that the exit passes are factoring into the decision to invite him, but if he’s having fun, being treated kindly and mixing with other children then I don’t understand why your friend would want to piss on your chips. She should butt out. The problem is that now she’s said it you probably won’t be able to forget it. It will niggle at you and I bet it’s tainted the whole thing. I’d try not to let on to your DS though. Let him go and enjoy himself.

FindaPenny · 22/10/2019 13:12

I hope it isn't the case, but I do wonder if your friend might be correct....why is there the sudden urge from these families to take your son to this theme park, when they haven't been so interested before... I would understand one family.....but multiple families seems unusual.
Perhaps your friend has heard something and she is telling you in a roundabout way for you to decide for yourself rather than hitting you with the truth.

If it's true I think it's disgusting of them.

Wonkybanana · 22/10/2019 13:13

As long as the parents taking him treat him well, include him and they (and their DCs) are generally nice to him while they're there, it doesn't matter.

If they used his pass to get themselves on the rides while leaving him standing at the side, it does.

OP you say he enjoys the days out, does he tell you what actually happens? What he did, what rides he went on, did all the DCs including him have ice cream - that sort of thing?

I'd talk to him and try to find out. You say he's gentle and often stands to the side. If so, then yes it's possible they do leave him out when they get there but that he still enjoys being asked, and included at least at the level of being taken out by them. That I think is not OK. But it doesn't mean that's what's happening. It might well be the other way - he's quiet and well behaved and they enjoy having him there.

HeyMissyYouSoFine · 22/10/2019 13:16

Wonkybanana is right - check that he is being included otherwise I would have an issue with it - but as long as he is and he's enjoying it I'd try and ignore what friend has said.

Catsandchardonnay · 22/10/2019 13:20

Honestly taking a child to a theme park (disabled or not) is something nobody would do UNLESS they liked them. Your friend was a piece of shit to suggest this

^^ this x 100. If they’re nice people like you say, they’re probably inviting him to give him a nice day out and you a break. I sometimes have my son’s autistic friend over or take him out with this slightly at the back of my mind, but mostly because my son and I really like him.

If you’re concerned you could tag along and check out the dynamics, but really I’d just let the arrangement continue. If your son is happy and included, those are the main things really.

PollyShelby · 22/10/2019 13:23

No one is taking a kid they don't want there to a theme park for all the tea in china.

It would ruin their day and not be worth it.

Your friend is unkind to suggest it

scoobydoo1971 · 22/10/2019 13:25

My kids get DLA for their conditions, and have Blue Badges. If another family offered to take them out for the day, and I trusted them as care-givers, then I would volunteer evidence for a carer free pass/ disability access to an attraction or resort if it saved them time/ money etc. If the child is enjoying the trip and is safe, why not? The families doing the inviting may get benefits from taking the disabled child, but they are also facilitating a nice enjoyable day out and a chance to socialise with other kids. You also get some time to yourself. Some people are always looking for sinister explanations for others behaviour and intentions, but that is just their outlook on life.

BlankTimes · 22/10/2019 13:27

Sorry OP, as the parent of a now adult with ASD, I think your friend is right.

He's never been invited to a play date or a birthday party

Yet three families are falling over themselves to take him to a theme park over half term. Your alarm bells should certainly be ringing.

I wouldn't let anyone take him, they don't know him, they don't know how to look after him, they don't know his triggers, they don't know what to do if he's not coping. And I'll bet they have never even asked you.

He may tell you he's had a lovely time when he comes home because that's what they've all told him all day. He'll have been so grateful to have been "included" he won't mind how they treat him, he doesn't know any different, he doesn't know how he should be treated by genuine friends, he's not had that experience.

If they spend the day taking advantage of the exit pass and going on all the things they want to do and ignoring his needs - if they even know what they are - he won't know he's not being treated properly.

What happens if there's a ride he doesn't want to go on and they all do?

Can't you take him yourself, then you'll know what sort of a time he's having, which rides he likes, if he's having sensory reactions to the crowds or noises and general totally different world experience.
Q: What's in it for them ?
Who would ask to take an autistic kid they don't know out for the day, what's their motivation?
Why would a family suddenly want to take an autistic kid to a theme park when they don't know him and have no idea how his autism could affect him in that situation or how to cope with his needs ?
Why would someone exploit a vulnerable disabled kid ?
A: the Exit Pass.

diddl · 22/10/2019 13:27

So he doesn't have many friends, no play dates or party invitations (from the OP), but then is invited "a few" times to a theme park in Summer & now again for half term?

I'm afraid I don't think it's that much of a leap tbh.

However, if he is being included & enjoying himself, it might be ok?

Are any of the people who have asked for half term the same as those who asked in Summer?

MintyMabel · 22/10/2019 13:33

You can't just rock up and claim a disability and get a pass. They'd need something from you to prove it.

Awful of you to assume this is their reasoning with absolutely no proof.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 22/10/2019 13:34

I think the friend who said this to you is the shit. And trying to piss on your bit of happiness that ds has friends

This.
Let him go as long as he enjoys the trips and no-one is unkind to him - and don't try to catch the parents out: whatever the truth of the matter the space to develop these friendships is a great opportunity. It may be that it takes him longer than others to make friends, and that it's harder for him to nurture friendships but from these trips out with other children he may learn some important life skills when it comes to the negotiation of friendships. Even if it's just one small thing.

All kids get 'used' to a certain extent for what they are able to 'bring to the table' whether it's being the joker, or being good looking, or coming from a wealthy family but all can be used as entry tickets into being part of a group from which we learn important lessons in the complex world of making friends.

Samosaurus · 22/10/2019 13:34

He had a lovely time
That would be my main focus OP, sounds like (even if it is the case he is being invited because of the pass) he is being included and having a good time, so that would be ok with me.

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