An old friend becoming DC's teacher

[EthicalEni]

Hello,

I have a weird dilemma here.
I have an old friend (know her for 15+ years), and had just received a letter from the after-school club my children are attending with the introduction of a new instructor for their group for the next half term. And yes, it is her.

I was surprised that I had quite an adverse initial reaction to it. It is her first job ever (she's been a SAHM since graduating), and I had never heard about her having an interest or any involvement in this topic before, even as a hobby (it is quite niche / specialised, let's say chess, but at the primary school age appropriate level). The club is a bit on the expensive side (I pay close to £50 for two for a 40 mins session), and now I am asking myself whether I'd paid her that for a 1-to-2 private tutoring in the subject and the answer is a clear no. I am also a little bit uncertain about her being in a position of authority over me in some way (she does not approve of many of my life and especially parenting choices, we learned by now to leave these topics silent in our friendship, but not sure if a formal teacher-parent relationship is going to help).

AIBU to consider cancelling the club? Or am I greatly overestimating how qualified instructors for 7-8 years old usually are?

Before I can decide whether you are reasonable I need to know which side of the fence you are on re vaccination?
Lol. I am vaccinating and one of mine possibly has mild ASD (under assessment now). There was a period of time last year she could not help stop mentioning "well I told you" and we fell apart for some time.

OP,

If I were you I would listen to your gut.

She's not really a friend anymore.

All you share is history.

The lessons are very expensive. Why would you pay that much for something that you are not 💯 % happy with and confident with the provider.

Judgy people are so bloody tiresome.

They are best avoided.

You don't particularly want to be around her and you don't want to be paying her to be looking after your children based on her previous observations.

Bite the bullet, cancel it and move on.

Friends don't make you feel bad about your choices.

It really is that simple.

@EthicalEni - sounds to me like your friend is the one with the issues and has shown more judgement than support. I can see why you are concerned about the power dynamics based on her past behaviour. If either pull my DC out or evaluate on an ongoing basis. Don’t accept one ounce of judgement or superiority from her. You can always say you don’t want your children around someone who doesn’t vaccinate!

Good luck!

@billy1966 - you are very wise!

I try and respect other peoples opinions...

But telling you 'I told you so' when your child has been diagnosed with ASD is firstly stupid (because, you know, facts and science) and secondly massively unsupportive. Even if there was some evidence, that would have been the last thing you needed. If one of the kids has an accident with my husband when doing something I wouldn't have done (eg he has forgotten a helmet), I would always try and bite my tongue unless it was a regular occurrence as it's not helpful and he will be feeling bad already.

I think your friend is a judgemental unsupportive bitch to be totally honest and no I wouldn't really be wanting her around my kids even if she had competed in the Olympics at whatever she is coaching them in.

Wow, OP. What I get/feel from your posts is that you really do not like your "friend".

You are questioning her skills and training and how much she should be paid. You are the one with the issue. The school would not have her teaching this skill in after school club if she was not adequately qualified. Please also remember the school will have overheads rent of room/heat/lighting that your friend will not have charged for 121.

YADBU.

Why don't you simply pull your children from the class? Problem solved for you and her. Can't imagine she'd want to think about how you'll behave either...

Actually I’ve just realised I can relate more than I thought. I’m in a situation where my child is part of a club that is run by parent volunteers. I’m both grateful and slightly 😬.

There are some definite blurred lines due to them being in an authoritative position for 40 minutes. On pick up I sometimes get a critique about my child’s personality (he is quirky/ potential for an ASD diagnosis down the line). Which is awkward at times seeing that they have no specialism in any childcare are.

But then on the other hand I’m grateful for them giving up theirs time and running the club. Very very luckily I like all the people involved but there was a time in the past where one of the helpers was someone I really wasn’t keen on and the fact that this person had authority over my child was very tricky for me.

maybe she didnt mention it to you as the working/not working parent thing is off your discussion list?
That is very likely why. We have a diplomatic agreement now that we are not discussing medicine, education, work, parenting and a couple of other topics.
@billy1966 is actually spot on. The only thing we seem to discuss are either harmless topics (new books, art, travel destinations etc) or other people we both know and news from their lives. But again, travel destinations that don't require extra vaccinations, and nothing about those other people's choices about schooling, career, parenting etc.
It actually sounds quite sad now that I typed it.

['ve been in teaching and tutoring for decades. (Qualified for sec and primary.)

I cannot believe you are paying around £25 per child for a group session of 40 mins.

Clearly the only justification for this is that the company behind it takes a large cut- maybe 50% of the fee.

What exactly are your kids learning for that fee?

The way I see it is that this 'friend' is not a friend at all.
You wish to avoid contact with her where anything child/ education / parenting happens.

You are mixed up I think and over emotional.

Either you are jealous of her earning power, or you feel she is underqualified, or you simply don't want to have contact with her in this context. You are muddling them all up.

If you are concerned about her training to hold this club, speak to the organisers. How does she compare with other 'teachers' doing it? Is she a 1-man band?

I would cancel the club on cost alone, that's hugely expensive.

It doesn't really sound like a friendship. You shouldn't have to filter your conversations to that extent with real friends.

Lol. I am vaccinating and one of mine possibly has mild ASD (under assessment now). There was a period of time last year she could not help stop mentioning "well I told you" and we fell apart for some time.

So she's trotting out the debunked 'link' between vaccine and autism? You would be unreasonable not to cool the friendship on those grounds alone, IMO. And find another club - those prices are high!

Why can't you tell us what the activity is OP? I find cryptic threads like this weird!

In any case though- you are essentially her employer and paying her for a service- that gives you the superiority in the relationship!

I think you're projecting here. In this case its not about you its about your child and their enjoyment of this after school club. She's been employed to work in this club, this child goes to that club. Knowing kids, they'll either excel and want to continue to whatever level or give up after 3 months. Either way, as long as they enjoy the experience doesn't really matter does it who works there? If you don't like it end them going to the club, if you really need to. I think you're overthinking this.

Posted before reading your update. It's not a friendship, it's at the very most an acquaintance at this point. Pull your kids out and cite cost.

£25 for 40 min is very, very expensive. Throw in the personal dynamics and absolutely no way would I send my kids.

After school private clubs, making a fortune from parents, scrabble around madly to find someone to replace a great teacher who had to leave suddenly. Hell, my DDD's private school just used a group of EFL students for a term to teach languages as they couldn't find a suitable teacher. It is infuriating.

That OP has never known her delightful sounding 'friend' to be at all into this subject, the friend not mentioning she had this job, says to me that this is 50 pounds DOWN THE DRAIN.

YADNBU OP cancel forthwith and find another activity for them to try (if you must)

I would have exactly the same reaction as you.

She isn't the issue, your insecurities are the issue

That's it in a nutshell.

Seriously though, £25 for 40mins,what the hell is she teaching?!

Why can't you tell us what the activity is OP? I find cryptic threads like this weird!
I had no intention to make it cryptic, I just did not feel it is very relevant to the topic. It is coding and robotics, the club is a franchisee and they provide some pricey equipment / tablets under the franchise etc. It is not an outrageous price for this type of activity, from what I researched.

I don't think you sound insecure, OP.

She sounds like a condescending bitch. After her comments about vaccinations and autism you would have been within your rights to end the "friendship" pronto.

As PPs have said, £50 for forty minutes' tuition is extortionate anyway. You've already said that your DC are not madly interested so far.

Save your money and do not let this woman have any more agency in your life.

She sounds like a bitch.

For £25 for a 40 minute group session I would be expecting expensive materials and/or a highly qualified teacher.
I do dislike all these profit making concerns that now run after school activities, pricing many out of the market.

She is the bloody issue, she is probably not sufficiently qualified to warrant cost and to ask for 50 pounds an hour, is a bully and I think OP is not too happy about leaving her children in this incapables hands and being ripped off and maybe lorded over.

OP you made a mistake mentioning your insecurities, posters are jumping on this.

The question is quality of service, experience and money and YOUR gut instinct.

CANCEL!

She is the bloody issue, she is probably not sufficiently qualified to warrant cost

Nobody is forcing the OP to send her child there. I can advertise my services teaching chess and charge £1,000 an hour if I like. I can’t play, but it’s not against the law.

You have 2 pupils so could almost definitely arrange private lessons for just the 2 of them with someone you are 100% happy with for that money.

Even private music lessons and exam tutoring and sport coaching cost less than £50 for 40 mins for advanced levels let alone 7-8 year olds. Going rate for 1-1 for trained teachers is around £30 ph round our way.

My older 2 are close in age. I started off compromising with group lessons but with 2 of them the choice to move to bespoke was better.

I also have an 8 year old so am up to date on costs. She attends group lessons because the group dynamic is part of the learning - drama, choir. Cost is roughly £5 for group.

DH is a chess playing computer programmer. He would give up the day job if he could get away with charging £25 ph for a group of 10 7 year olds for 40 mins.