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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

An old friend becoming DC's teacher

136 replies

EthicalEni · 20/10/2019 11:54

Hello,

I have a weird dilemma here.
I have an old friend (know her for 15+ years), and had just received a letter from the after-school club my children are attending with the introduction of a new instructor for their group for the next half term. And yes, it is her.

I was surprised that I had quite an adverse initial reaction to it. It is her first job ever (she's been a SAHM since graduating), and I had never heard about her having an interest or any involvement in this topic before, even as a hobby (it is quite niche / specialised, let's say chess, but at the primary school age appropriate level). The club is a bit on the expensive side (I pay close to £50 for two for a 40 mins session), and now I am asking myself whether I'd paid her that for a 1-to-2 private tutoring in the subject and the answer is a clear no. I am also a little bit uncertain about her being in a position of authority over me in some way (she does not approve of many of my life and especially parenting choices, we learned by now to leave these topics silent in our friendship, but not sure if a formal teacher-parent relationship is going to help).

AIBU to consider cancelling the club? Or am I greatly overestimating how qualified instructors for 7-8 years old usually are?

OP posts:
HillRunner · 20/10/2019 12:15

If this friend really does criticise you as a single mum for working to feed and house your kids, my advice is to leave your kids in the club, but withdraw from the friendship. A nice person wouldn't do that to you.

HillRunner · 20/10/2019 12:16

It might be that I was seen as equally dismissive of her choices.

While her being a SAHM is a genuine choice, you WOHM through necessity. There is a big difference there.

WorraLiberty · 20/10/2019 12:16

Anyway, the kids, OP.

How do they feel about it and how would they feel if you stopped them going to the club?

Original poster
EthicalEni · 20/10/2019 12:16

It's actually the opposite isn't it? You feel that she sees herself as superior and looks down on your life, and this new aspect of the relationship may reinforce that dynamic.
Well... Unpleasant to admit, but this is probably the ugly truth behind the scenes.

OP posts:
Namechangeforthiscancershit · 20/10/2019 12:18

"vaccination, state vs private education, working vs SAHM"

Well if she brings any of this up at the club then a) wtf and b) you can come down on her like a ton of bricks

meyouandlulutoo · 20/10/2019 12:19

Is the cost of the lesson close to £50 for 2 for the term (not each lesson)? My granddaughter attends quite a few after school clubs because of the interest she has in particular sports/activities and I agree that a PP calling it childcare is unreasonable - some of the parents watch the whole session where sport is concerned so the children are not there for lack of after school care - I am often there too.

I think you are not being unreasonable to question your friend's ability or knowledge in the activity, if she has no experience in the subject your children are being short changed as this is obviously something they are really interested in.

However, she has no power over you, it is the other way round really as you are paying her to take this class and she could be equally concerned that you may be critical of her ability to take the subject (whatever it is!)

Original poster
EthicalEni · 20/10/2019 12:20

@WorraLiberty
They just started this year (had a couple of sessions so far), so at this stage they are more or less indifferent.
It is not a club in the school they attend, it is a separate provider.

OP posts:
seaweedandmarchingbands · 20/10/2019 12:21

Just take them out. I don’t see the big deal.

Original poster
EthicalEni · 20/10/2019 12:21

Is the cost of the lesson close to £50 for 2 for the term (not each lesson)?
No, it is for a session.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 20/10/2019 12:22

In that case just stop sending them then?

reginafelangee · 20/10/2019 12:23

She's not going to be 'parenting' them. She's leading a 40 minute club.

Acrasia · 20/10/2019 12:25

Are you sure it’s definitely her and not someone with the same name?

Haffdonga · 20/10/2019 12:25

Let your dcs continue. If they like her teaching style and enjoy the club then all good. If not then cancel the club. Don't be weirdly cancelling for no goo reason.

meyouandlulutoo · 20/10/2019 12:26

Goodness that is really expensive for each session, so YADNBU for questioning her expertise in the subject. Maybe she does have a genuine interest but if she knows your children are interested in the activity and I would wonder why she has never mentioned it to you.

Original poster
EthicalEni · 20/10/2019 12:27

Are you sure it’s definitely her and not someone with the same name?
100% sure.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 20/10/2019 12:28

Remove your child from the club if you feel uncomfortable about it. That's what I would do.

Dahlietta · 20/10/2019 12:29

You are definitely overestimating the qualifications of the average instructor of primary age children.

PancakeAndKeith · 20/10/2019 12:29

she's been extremely critical of my choices before (like vaccination, state vs private education, working vs SAHM etc) so I feel strange that she's becoming my children's teacher / tutor / instructor.

Chances are that a lot of your children’s teachers hold views different to yours.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 20/10/2019 12:30

No, it is for a session

Whaaaat. That's a fortune! I'd take them out unless they love it. Just think what else you could spend that money on

Drum2018 · 20/10/2019 12:32

Her parenting skills are irrelevant to her tutoring. She is there specifically to teach your kids a hobby, not chat about their home life, check if they are up to date on vaccinations etc. Their school teachers could also have opposite views to you and you wouldn't even know it. If your kids enjoy the hobby then leave them to it. Not sure how you can class her as a friend when you seem to have a gripe against her though.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 20/10/2019 12:33

Is your problem that you would feel if she was giving a class to your children in a private setting that you would pay much less than 50, because you would expect "mates rates"? If you don't like her and it seems you haven't much good to say about her, then maybe it's time to back away from the friendship and maybe even find a different activity for your children.

Or keep your children in the activity and monitor their progress.

SilverySurfer · 20/10/2019 12:33

I am also a little bit uncertain about her being in a position of authority over me in some way

I don't understand why you think she would be in a position of authority over you? Surely it would be the reverse? You will be paying her to do a job so in effect will be her client.

If it's a specialised subject I don't see the school giving her the role if she has not had some previous experience or more recent training, even if she has not made you aware of it.

Surely you aren't imagining her sharing her opinion of your parenting with your children so I'm not sure what relevance that has and can continue to ignore it.

I can't imagine having similar feelings with any good friend of mine. I would probably contact her with congratulations and say, eg, oh didn't know she has had recent training or is it something she knows from her past?

C0untDucku1a · 20/10/2019 12:33

If your concerns youre paying s lot and she doesnt have the skills to deliver, i think youre well within your rights to cancel and look elsewhere.

One of my friend teaches both my children one day a week, she is PPA cover, and it is fine. They love her lessons.

Benes · 20/10/2019 12:34

You don't sound like a very good friend tbh.

As someone who teaches a hobby to kids (some of them are my friends kids) I'd be really upset if they acted like you are over this.

rainingallday · 20/10/2019 12:36

@EthicalEni

Unless you have a very bad past history with her, like she bullied you (or her kids bullied yours/made their life a misery,) and the authorities/police got involved, then YABU.

I would even go so far as to say you sound a little bit annoyed/resentful/jealous that she is in this career. You'll probably be even MORE annoyed if your kids like her. Wink

You sound quite petty and irrational. Also agree with several other posters that it doesn't sound like she's a friend, as you seem to have a lot of contempt for her.