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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

An old friend becoming DC's teacher

136 replies

EthicalEni · 20/10/2019 11:54

Hello,

I have a weird dilemma here.
I have an old friend (know her for 15+ years), and had just received a letter from the after-school club my children are attending with the introduction of a new instructor for their group for the next half term. And yes, it is her.

I was surprised that I had quite an adverse initial reaction to it. It is her first job ever (she's been a SAHM since graduating), and I had never heard about her having an interest or any involvement in this topic before, even as a hobby (it is quite niche / specialised, let's say chess, but at the primary school age appropriate level). The club is a bit on the expensive side (I pay close to £50 for two for a 40 mins session), and now I am asking myself whether I'd paid her that for a 1-to-2 private tutoring in the subject and the answer is a clear no. I am also a little bit uncertain about her being in a position of authority over me in some way (she does not approve of many of my life and especially parenting choices, we learned by now to leave these topics silent in our friendship, but not sure if a formal teacher-parent relationship is going to help).

AIBU to consider cancelling the club? Or am I greatly overestimating how qualified instructors for 7-8 years old usually are?

OP posts:

SmudgeButt · 20/10/2019 12:36

Did I understand correctly that you are paying £25 for each child to have a 40 minute lesson? I would def expect the teacher to be an expert in their field for that price.

Whether she's your friend or not and whether you agree on parenting is much less of an issue to me.

Original poster

EthicalEni · 20/10/2019 12:37

Not sure how you can class her as a friend when you seem to have a gripe against her though.
Not a gripe. As I said, there are just topics that we don't touch now as it would result in one of us being seriously upset.
We were best friends before we had children. Since, there definitely has been a major cooling off of the relationship, primarily because we suddenly found ourselves at the opposite sides of the parenting spectrum.

Thank you all for contributing. It is probably my insecurity playing out, as if somehow her position and opinion is reinforced by being placed in charge of my children, even if for a short period of time. I'll give my head a wobble then.

OP posts:

FizzyGreenWater · 20/10/2019 12:42

No, she's the one who doesn't sound lie a very good friend!

She sounds sanctimonious and judgmental.

I'd also be concerned in OP's shoes - and tbh I'd probably cancel the activity. It's already really expensive - so first thing for me would be that for that kind of money yes I would expect an instructor who had some expertise or at least a real enthusiasm to impart. OP may not be being 100% fair if she's assuming that her 'friend' has no expertise, but I think she's certainly in a position to know that this activity isn't something the 'friend' exactly lives and breathes. Again, it's expensive - we're talking music tuition hourly fees here - no, I would expect more than just a jolly interest and 40 minutes taken up.

Put on top of that the tension between OP and 'friend' and that would settle it for me - sounds like this person quite possibly would end up being even more condescending to OP from the position of being in an instructor role with her children. No. Too much hassle.

And... it's not as if your children are even deadly interested!

Find another club :)

Cyberworrier · 20/10/2019 12:43

Does she have a background/interest/love of the subject? If so, I’d say let her crack on and if any issues arise, deal with them then. She may be fine. If she’s not good at teaching (which can happen with people great at the specialism but without experience working with children), you probably would f8nd other parents may have issues which removes the awkwardness of you being the person to complain. FWIW, some clubs at schools I know have after school clubs taught by teachers, TAs, rarely well qualified or experienced specifically in the club area but obviously experienced teaching. I think it’s quite normal for clubs to be taught by a variety of people.

my2bundles · 20/10/2019 12:45

I would remove them solely on the cost. £25 per child per 40 minutes😮I would expect at least 40 mins 1-1 for that.

FizzyGreenWater · 20/10/2019 12:45

Did I understand correctly that you are paying £25 for each child to have a 40 minute lesson? I would def expect the teacher to be an expert in their field for that price. Yes exactly.

They just started this year (had a couple of sessions so far), so at this stage they are more or less indifferent. No brainer for me. I'd find something cheaper that won't muddy the waters with this already quite difficult 'friendship'

Original poster

EthicalEni · 20/10/2019 12:46

Is your problem that you would feel if she was giving a class to your children in a private setting that you would pay much less than 50, because you would expect "mates rates"?
No, not at all, no expectations of mates rates.
It is just that if I was looking for a tutor in this subject, she probably would be one of the last people I'd considered. Let's say it is coding and robotics, and she has a degree in history and zero interest or skills in STEM. Or horse riding and I have never known her even touching a horse before. Illustrative examples only.

OP posts:

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 20/10/2019 12:48

I think of an after school club leader as more of a knowledgeable helper than a teacher. Certainly not in any role of authority, other than to keep control of the group.

If your DC enjoy the club, crack on. If you get a whiff of her lording it a bit, pull them out. There will be other activities they might enjoy better.

I certainly wouldn’t let it worry me.

Butterbeeeen · 20/10/2019 12:48

If she is such a close friend why can you not just ask her when she qualified in such an activity?

MiddleClassProblem · 20/10/2019 12:54

I would say o have plenty of skills my friends don’t know about because they are things I loved pre meeting them and lost the time to indulge them. Some I would be qualified to support teaching in due to my experience.

I’m not sure you’d be an expert on her life. Good for her for getting back in the work place.

As you have acknowledged, it’s your own insecurities. We’ll do r to you for admitting this. It’s hard to do and a really good starting point to help yourself.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 20/10/2019 12:55

Are you sure it's even her?! If you spoke to her yesterday and she hasn't mentioned it and, as far as you are aware, has never shown any interest in the topic, or teaching children then maybe it's just a namesake?!

Original poster

EthicalEni · 20/10/2019 12:56

Or - just give it a go and tell yourself that the first time your 'friend' comes over to you with a concerned head tilt and starts with 'I have to tell you that DD said this during our session and I really think you should...' - then that's the last time they'll be attending.
Thanks. I think you've nailed it, that's exactly the scenario that is playing out somewhere in my subconsciousness.
Maybe this situation actually will make me reassess the whole relationship, as many PPs said. It is probably true that I am not a very good friend to her either at the moment, we are just worlds apart.

OP posts:

seaweedandmarchingbands · 20/10/2019 12:58

Let's say it is coding and robotics, and she has a degree in history and zero interest or skills in STEM. Or horse riding and I have never known her even touching a horse before. Illustrative examples only.

This doesn’t make a lot of sense. Why would they hire someone who didn’t have the qualifications or skills required? She must be more proficient than you think.

Original poster

EthicalEni · 20/10/2019 12:58

I would say o have plenty of skills my friends don’t know about because they are things I loved pre meeting them and lost the time to indulge them
This I am as sure of as one can be, I know her since we both were 13 and we had never lost contact (sometimes more distant, sometimes less - at the moment she's even living a few doors down from me) since.

OP posts:

Laterthanyouthink · 20/10/2019 12:58

Is she also a bit hypocritical to teach at an after school club if she doesn't think parents should use childcare?!

gingersausage · 20/10/2019 12:58

Why do so many MNers have such awful “friends”? I honestly don’t understand it. Is there so much pressure on people these days to be seen to be popular and have a large social group that they will put up with any amount of awful behaviour from those around them? We are very quick on here to spot the patterns of abusive men, and supportive towards women to empower them to get rid; maybe we should extend that support to helping women to dump toxic frenemies.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 20/10/2019 13:02

Is she also a bit hypocritical to teach at an after school club if she doesn't think parents should use childcare?!

That isn’t hypocrisy. She might think the children are better off doing an activity with her than doing nothing, and that is consistent with a belief that they are better off at home.

CottonSock · 20/10/2019 13:03

You are being odd. My dd2 goes to a drama club where my sil is her teacher. No issues and dd loves it..this is quite an expensive drama club and my sil is well up to the job of dancing and singing with 3 to 4 year olds .

HugoSpritz · 20/10/2019 13:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AtillatheHun · 20/10/2019 13:04

I’m boggled at what costs £25/ session and doesn’t require specialist skills, unless it’s an art club that requires expensive materials each week - though equally I wouldn’t demand teaching qualifications for an art club provider.

Kids are pretty good at evaluating coaches - let them tell you if they’re enjoying it (and they’d have to be enjoying it a lot for those rates)

Original poster

EthicalEni · 20/10/2019 13:04

This doesn’t make a lot of sense. Why would they hire someone who didn’t have the qualifications or skills required? She must be more proficient than you think.
Maybe I am simply overestimating of how much you actually have to be an expert to teach young children. The previous instructor was brilliant, and professionally working in this field for 20+ years, unfortunately it seems there was a personal emergency and they to quit quite suddenly.

OP posts:

donquixotedelamancha · 20/10/2019 13:04

she's been extremely critical of my choices before (like vaccination, state vs private education, working vs SAHM etc)

Two of those are personal choices which people can disagree respectfully over- one is a bit like saying we disagree over whether eating children is bad.

Was she criticising you for vaccinating your kids or did she point out that not vaccinating them without a medical reason is awful?

KatyCarrCan · 20/10/2019 13:06

Hmm, I would share your concerns tbh. Depending on the adult and the child, it can also be confusing for them to have someone they know in a personal capacity, suddenly in a position of authority and trying to impose different relationships according to the setting.
I know you say you're close friends but it seems very odd that she hasn't mentioned she has this new job and that your DCs are on her list of pupils.There's something disingenuous about that.
Since you also have concerns about her competency level, the DCs don't seem bothered about attending and the classes are very expensive, I'd be tempted to take them out of the club.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 20/10/2019 13:07

Maybe I am simply overestimating of how much you actually have to be an expert to teach young children. The previous instructor was brilliant, and professionally working in this field for 20+ years, unfortunately it seems there was a personal emergency and they to quit quite suddenly.

Quite possibly.

averythinline · 20/10/2019 13:07

why has she applied and got this job then ? and it hasnt come up in your conversations??? maybe shes sick of being a sahm and fancied trying something different (someone I know did this set up an 'arts' club at the school -had been a merchant banker never expressed an arty thought in her life but enjoyed crafting with her own dc when had them - so it does happen)

maybe she didnt mention it to you as the working/not working parent thing is off your discussion list?

if your kids enjoy it and you can afford it why change

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