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Original poster

To be fuming at what she said about my child? **Title edited by MNHQ**

132 replies

Milkfreemoomum · 19/10/2019 22:10

Well i know i'm not being unreasonable. But i'm just so angry. My oldest friend who i've known since i was little made a comment about my DS teeth in front of me, her mum and her DP. Her mum was saying how cute my DS was and how piercing his eyes are. My friend then pipes up and then well he has got teeth like a vampire though hasn't he, in front of him. He's only 3! What person makes nasty comments about a 3 year old!? Her mum and me both told her not to be nasty and she just laughed it off and said well i'm just saying he has pointy teeth.
I know she clearly is no friend of mine if she's going to say stuff like this about my son. I feel she was jealous of her mum saying nice things to my son as before her mum turned up she was saying how her mum doesn't bothered with her children. Still no excuse. I left soon after this comment. Please tell me this isn't normal behaviour?

OP posts:
lljkk · 20/10/2019 10:28

I did not know vampire teeth were a bad thing (in some people's eyes). Every day is a school day.

Lots of energy on someone you already didn't like.

If a work colleague or another person commented on a physical feature of yours i'm pretty sure you would be put out.

I haven't seen a single MN thread complaining about these kind of comments:
"Colour of that blouse sure compliments your eyes."
"I wish I had a figure like yours."
"You have great cheekbones."
"Wow your new haircut looks lovely!"

Those are nasty insults? I guess so, In MN land. Although tbf, the last one can mean "...because your hair looked crap before."

IlluminatiParty · 20/10/2019 10:50

Someone once said that my daughter had drag queen eyebrows when she was a baby Grin they were arched like they'd been drawn on so I sort of saw where they were coming from. I just had a good laugh. I don't think you should take it too seriously. Little fangs are cute!

WhatsInAName19 · 20/10/2019 11:09

@lljkk in the context of the thread that pp was quite obviously not talking about compliments like the ones you've reeled off. The thread is about a negative comment directed at a 3 year old child, not about someone saying that they like a colleague's cheekbones 🙄

Original poster
Milkfreemoomum · 20/10/2019 11:14

Exactly, i don't feel my son should be the target of her jealously.

OP posts:
RhiWrites · 20/10/2019 11:21

She’s your oldest friend and her mum was complimenting your child but never does the same for hers. You can be hurt, you can ask her to apologise, but don’t look for reasons to throw away the friendship based on this.

WatcherintheRye · 20/10/2019 11:29

I haven't seen a single MN thread complaining about these kind of comments:
"Colour of that blouse sure compliments your eyes."
"I wish I had a figure like yours."
"You have great cheekbones."
"Wow your new haircut looks lovely!"

Haha! Yes, because those are exactly like saying "You look like a vampire!" Grin

Happyandglorious · 20/10/2019 11:39

I have often made jokey remarks about my own kids looks but I would think very carefully about saying something about someone else's.
I wouldnt take it further. She's either jealous or tactless. Either way I would not react and avoid if it happens

anniemac1 · 20/10/2019 11:40

Speak to her, she may be able to explain. I do know that its not what people say its how it is said. Trust your own instinct every time.

AlphaBravoCharlieDelta · 20/10/2019 11:47

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

LannisterLion1 · 20/10/2019 11:50

Do you want to remain friends @Milkfreemoomum ?

Whether you do or dont be honest with her as to the reason why. Her response may guide you if you are unsure.

"Friend, given how long we've been friends I have to be honest and say that you've been pretty cutting and made digs towards me lately. It really annoyed me when you did the same towards my son because your mum complimented him. I am sorry your mum doesn't say anything nice about your dc, i understand it really must hurt. You've been taking that out on other people though, which isn't fair."

CheeseChipsMayo · 20/10/2019 11:55

Christ you've forgotten your meds or sense of humor..she made a throwaway comment-she didnt sentance him to lifelong ridicule..you wont have many friends by the time hes in primary school if thats your idea of an hideously offensive slurGrin

myolivetree · 20/10/2019 12:01

Christ you've forgotten your meds or

The nasties are out.

Do you make negative remarks about children's looks?

Nope . Never heard it here except once poss twice and they are pretty nasty anyway.

myolivetree · 20/10/2019 12:04

You won't have any friends etc etc

HmmHmmHmm B.S.

stayathomer · 20/10/2019 12:10

"Friend, given how long we've been friends I have to be honest and say that you've been pretty cutting and made digs towards me lately. It really annoyed me when you did the same towards my son because your mum complimented him. I am sorry your mum doesn't say anything nice about your dc, i understand it really must hurt. You've been taking that out on other people though, which isn't fair."
I once made a few jokes about my friend's new job. We used to have a real banter-y type of relationship and I didn't realised we didn't anymore. She rang me the flooding day asking why I'd been so horrible to her and were we not friends. I was gobsmacked and apologised so much but I've never been able to talk to her openly since and we don't really see each other any more. If you call her out your friendship is gone but tbh it doesn't sound like you want t o stay friends. It may be jealousy but chances are also high she was just commenting.

wotsittoyou · 20/10/2019 12:31

"Imagine if he was older and understood, could damage his confidence."

I think you're confused about this element. His body confidence will be contingent on the value is given to his appearance/such statements. It doesn't matter if his teeth are pointy. I'd be more concerned by the 'don't be cruel' comment afterwards and your offense. Both potentially teach your child that there's something to be worried about/that there's something 'wrong' with his teeth. If you're chill with appearance, he's more likely to be.

Apart from that, it doesn't sound like you enjoy spending time with this friend. Just pull away.

gingersausage · 20/10/2019 12:39

I swear some people on here are obtuse for the sake of it, just to get as many digs in as possible. Do you have a daily quota or something?

Those of you who think the OP is overreacting; if you were chatting with some friends in the street and one complimented your hair and the other one said “yeah she’s a bit fat though”, there’s no way on earth you would think it was ok. This is exactly the same thing. I had a “friend” like this. She saw it as banter, but really it was thinly disguised bitching. Eventually I got tired of it and I don’t see her any more.

Italiangreyhound · 20/10/2019 12:47

When my son was young he was very clumsy. We did comment on it a lot! Blush We stopped because we could see it was a self fulfilling prophesy. He is no longer clumsy. So Id just say be careful what you focus on in terms of attributes and traits.

Italiangreyhound · 20/10/2019 12:55

wotsittoyou "Re "Imagine if he was older and understood, could damage his confidence." If he was listening, of course he understood. He's 3. What he woudl have taken from the exchange was that someone made a critical comment of him and his mum stuck up for him. Good on her. Having teeth that others feel the need to comment on in a negative way is not a good thing. Teaching a child it is OK for others to make negative comments about them is harmful.

All those who think pointy teeth are cute, great for them.

But in the context of this conversation the speaker did not mean that.

She followed another's compliment with "...well he has got teeth like a vampire though hasn't he."

That sentence structure means what she is saying is in contrast to the compliment. If it were a compliment she would have said. "... and he has got teeth like a vampire though hasn't he."

"gingersausage so very true.

tigger001 · 20/10/2019 13:10

So if it was just me and her having a chat and she said it then I wouldn't have been that annoyed. It's the fact she tried to make a point of it in front of people.

Surely the only reason you should be annoyed is if it upset your son, not the fact over people were there??

I think it's one of them comments you can say about your own, but it can be taking offensively if someone else says it.

I know I'm particularly protective/defensive about what people say about my son (regarding him being small) but I think that's because I'm worried he will get picked on when he's older. So mine is through a bit of fear (probably misplaced fear, but fear non the less)

You seem to now be adding on that she has been nasty about other people and so on, but that obviously hasn't bothered you enough to pull her up in it previously, it's only when it's about your son it's a problem. Not sure I'm a fan of people like that either to be honest, sorry.

ControversialFerret · 20/10/2019 13:30

Lots of people seem to be missing the nuance on here; it's not so much what she said, but how she said it.

She may well have issues with her Mum not taking an interest in her kids, but the mature way to handle it is not to make bitchy comments about someone else's 3y/o. Especially when that someone else is supposed to be your best mate.

And as for the comment about having "forgotten meds" today - I don't know where to start because it's so spectacularly judgmental and ignorant. Let's hope that poster's loved ones never suffer with MH issues Hmm

Italiangreyhound · 20/10/2019 13:34

Is there a reason a person can't be offended or upset for their own feelings not just others. Or is it because we are mums we cannot be upset because our own feelings are hurt. Of course things being said in front of others magnifies things.

billy1966 · 20/10/2019 13:43

OP,

She was rude.
Making negative comments about another person's appearance is rude.
Some people know this.
Others don't know any better.

I wouldn't tolerate anyone making a negative personal comment about my children.

I certainly wouldn't think that someone rude enough to make a personal comment about my child was my friend.

Friends don't make rude personal comments.

They just don't.

Now you know for sure.

She's not your friend.

Italiangreyhound · 20/10/2019 14:16

I've comment myself (with my own kids) about ways of behaving (not physical appearance) and also usually when child not present.

BUT this thread is making me think and I am not going to do it anymore because I can see very clearly how insensitive and damaging it can be. We cannot know really that it doesn't bother our kids. Only that they tell us they are not bothered.

Maybe kids have been trained to think it's OK for others to say mean things to people and people are wrong to take offense!

Teaching kids to accept 'gentle' ribbing .ie. nasty comments which criticize their looks or personality is not (IMHO) helpful to them. It doesn't make them resilient, IMHO, and maybe it means that they may never be able to distinguish whether a comment is intended to be offensive or not. But either way, if a comment offends you then better to not have to pretend it is OK.

Better to teach our kids not say things that could be taken nastily or 'the wrong way'.

So I thank you Milkfreemoomum this thread has certainly taught me something helpful.

lljkk · 20/10/2019 14:26

In the land of MN where everything has hidden meaning, there's no reason not to complain about below comments, b/c obviously they could have subtexts ( in italics ). EVERYTHING can be taken wrong way if you're determined. Nothing is safe to say.

"Colour of that blouse sure compliments your eyes." Coz normally you're clueless about what colours to wear

"I wish I had a figure like yours." you show off, I hate you

"You have great cheekbones." about the only nice thing I can think of about how you look

"Wow your new haircut looks lovely!" it was terrible before

OP is the one who wrote the blanket statement that commenting on personal appearance was upsetting. She declared this rule. Several other posters have made the same basic statement, mind. Nothing is safe to say

Italiangreyhound · 20/10/2019 14:28

Of course compliments are safe to say. What was said in the opening post was not a compliment.