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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I apologise

136 replies

CannotbearsedRN · 18/10/2019 23:36

Background 35 weeks pregnant with twins massive, exhausted and sore.

‘D’P has his son this weekend who is 10 DP was working today and I was picking up DSS from school along with my DD (6). First DSS has been to stay in a few months as there have been issues with his mum. So I made sure we had a nice night planned with Halloween activities etc.

DP then rang to say he was being kept on in work until 10 so I told DSS who cried as he missed his dad. I continued on with the planned activities dss had a toilet accident (which I have tried to get DP to sort out but there is no improvement) I cleaned that up text DP to tell him
And he said I was ‘getting at him’.

DSS then started playing his game console online which I really really don’t agree with kids gaming online so mentioned this to DP and he said his mum lets him. So I said yes but this is our house we have our rules...he replied saying he didn’t want to rock the boat as he’s only back. Which I just think is ridiculous parenting so he told me to sort it but I didn’t feel comfortable enough.

It got to 930 and DD was exhausted so I put her to bed then told DSS his bed time would be 1030. I finally sat down at 1045 with a cuppa and half hour later DP comes in (finally) and because said that I was rude as I didn’t reply to his message on the way home. No thanks for sorting out everything today nothing. He went for a shower and I’ve just heard him get into bed. Wtaf is his problem! He has never had my DD all evening and I know he would no bother but I would at least be a little grateful. Apparently I’m just miserable and I probably am but I am exhausted all the time. Should I just bite the bullet and go in and apologise?

OP posts:

Dollymixture22 · 19/10/2019 14:19

Okay op. You need to take the lead in this serious situation.

This man is a selfish arse.

Do you want him in your life?

Take some time, think long and hard.

Don’t bloody apologise to him for anything. He is a controlling arse.

He is playing games with you, he wants to have all the power in this relationship.

munzero · 19/10/2019 14:23

Don't end up apologising! You're heavily pregnant with twins and looked after 2 kids! You did your best. He waltzed in after his son had gone to bed and had the cheek to complain you didn't come down to say goodbye the next morning. He did fuck all.

InsertFunnyUsername · 19/10/2019 14:27

Do not apologise. You have done nothing wrong your DP is an arse. Have the serious chat tell him his children will not thank him when they're older. Sorry OP its rubbish for you.

InvisibleWomenMustBeRead · 19/10/2019 14:35

Based on your last comment Op, he sounds emotionally abusive and a gaslighter. Make sure you and your babies are ok.

cacklingmags · 19/10/2019 14:56

Gaslighting fuckwit - don't believe him when he criticises you. Don't think this bloke is any use to you at all, sorry OP. Take it easy, have your babies, work towards getting rid of this wanker.

Mephisto · 19/10/2019 15:22

What are you planning to say to him, op?

NoSquirrels · 19/10/2019 15:29

He text me from his hobby saying we need to have a serious discussion about where to go from here.

I suggest: He apologises to you, commits to stepping up and looking after his heavily-pregnant-with-twins partner and changes his commitments to his hobby right now in favour of being home more, or he moves out, pays you CMS for 2 DC, you both get some space and he proves that he can step up when the babies are born and you’ll reconsider then.

Do not apologise to him. You have done nothing wrong at all.

You’re 35 weeks with twins! Some people are bedbound.

He had contact with his DS for the first time in forever and he didn’t arrange his life to be there for his son. His priorities are way out of whack. Yours aren’t.

quietheart · 19/10/2019 15:37

what NoSquirrels said ^

Original poster

CannotbearsedRN · 19/10/2019 15:54

I don’t know what to say to him DDs father let her down today and didn’t have her so I’ve spent my day making sure she’s having a nice Saturday and not too disappointed.

At this stage I’m just fed up I really need a good long sleep before I can even be bothered to look at him

OP posts:

mankyfourthtoe · 19/10/2019 16:00

Just talk about how we need to prioritise all the children.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 19/10/2019 16:29

You absolutely do need to have a serious talk with him, but I don’t think it’s the one he’s anticipating.

Dollymixture22 · 19/10/2019 16:37

I am so sorry your daughter was let down. Her dad sounds a bit like your current partner. So you have two very disappointed children this weekend.

If your partner can’t see this then he needs to grow up.

He has three children and a partner, who also has another child. Does his hobby take up every Saturday?

glitterfarts · 19/10/2019 16:52

Out of curiosity, whose surname does your DD have? Yours or ex-DP's?

SprinkleDash · 19/10/2019 16:56

Not a good idea getting pregnant by someone who can’t be arsed with the kid they’ve got!

Italiangreyhound · 19/10/2019 17:00

CannotbearsedRN

"The pooing issue nothing is done app they looked into it a few years ago and it got sorted but sometimes comes back."

My son had this at about 5. It had two causes, a kind of back up of poo due to stool hardness, so he is on Pediatric Laxido. It's s mild powder added to a drink.

But also was pyschomatic and linked to a new school class. I told him I knew he could manage it and we handled new class transitions better.

As your DSS is quite early in a new school year, coukd it be linked?

Italiangreyhound · 19/10/2019 17:02

"I just know how this will go he will tell me how I have handled everything wrong and how he is amazing."

He is not amazing. He is failing. Failing with his son, failing with you and probably gerting ready to fail with these two new children.

Sadly, I've got no real advice except to get your financial ducks in a row. Maybe if he grows the fuck up, there is s chance he can stop screwing up his kids. Maybe.

NaviSprite · 19/10/2019 17:08

He sounds like a horrible manchild OP and I cannot believe the lack of any recognition for what you did for HIS child.

I think what @NoSquirrels said is the approach I’d take in your circumstances.

I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this, alongside your DD being let down by her own father and all whilst you’re pregnant with twins (congratulations from another twin mum btw).

He needs to grow up, you’re not a live in nanny to any of the children in your family unit, you are Mother to your DD (and the twins) you are Step Mother to his DS. HE needs to step up, HE needs to apologise and HE needs to realise a hobby is never and will never be a valid excuse for not spending what time he can get with his child.

quincejamplease · 19/10/2019 17:10

For goodness sake, he's an abusive bastard who's trained you so well to take his abuse and blame yourself that you were preparing to trot off and apologise for his shitty behaviour.

I have no concerns for her future or my twins as I will make sure it’s good.

I think you misunderstand pps.

You can't make sure their future is good when you're making them live with an abusive man and modelling this shitshow as normal and acceptable behaviour in a relationship.

So they will grow up thinking it's normal for people who claim to love you to treat you like shit, manipulate you, and blame you for their crap behaviour.

Which leaves them at risk of ending up in unhealthy or abusive relationships and to have no idea it's wrong because you never gave them a model for healthy relationships.

That is how their futures get fucked up by you continuing to expose them to this shit. Doesn't matter how good your parenting is if they're living in an abusive environment. They still get fucked up by it.

Just because he's not as much of a dick as your ex doesn't mean he's a good guy.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

NoSquirrels · 19/10/2019 17:14

Not a good idea getting pregnant by someone who can’t be arsed with the kid they’ve got!

Why would you bother to write this Sprinkle? She’s 35 weeks + with twins, FGS. Do you think she needs a lecture or support?

No, it’s not an ideal scenario. But hopefully one day when you’re in a not ideal scenario no one will point out you’ve brought it on yourself, and then not offer any useful advice to help you in future.

It’s not hard to be kind.

Sewrainbow · 19/10/2019 17:17

He sounds a right twat, you have nothing to apologise for...

His poor, poor son. I have a 10 year old, I'd be horrified if he had sat in that all day and nothing was being done to sort it and his father didn't drop his hobby to spend time with him

timshelthechoice · 19/10/2019 17:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

CannotbearsedRN · 20/10/2019 16:22

Hi sorry for late update I was so busy last night we had a chat this morning and he wasn’t nasty he was more ‘pity me’ as all he does is his hobby and the gym so why am I so hard on him.

I told him how he makes me feel unappreciated and that I feel I’m going to be a single mum. He apologised but I could tell he didn’t really mean it.

An hour later he asked could he go out with his mates to watch the football after he left his DS home I said yes because I just can’t be bothered looking at him. I am not stupid I can’t make any major life changes atm
For me my unborn children and my DD so I will bide my time. He will only have three drinks incase I need him we will be but I actually just don’t care anymore

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 20/10/2019 17:05

I am not stupid I can’t make any major life changes atm
For me my unborn children and my DD so I will bide my time.

You’re right it’s a bad time to make changes and have any emotional upheaval. I do think you really need to confide in whatever family and friends you can that things aren’t necessarily great and you’re feeling unsupported- you’re going to need them so try to surround yourself with as much practical and emotional support as you can.

Tistheseason17 · 20/10/2019 17:09

3 drinks? Then drive?

As a rule of thumb, two pints of regular-strength lager or two small glasses of wine would put him over the limit.

He's not good for you and DC in so many ways.

Original poster

CannotbearsedRN · 20/10/2019 17:14

Obviously I will not have him driving me anywhere after 3 drinks no way!

OP posts:

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