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Original poster

Should I apologise

136 replies

CannotbearsedRN · 18/10/2019 23:36

Background 35 weeks pregnant with twins massive, exhausted and sore.

‘D’P has his son this weekend who is 10 DP was working today and I was picking up DSS from school along with my DD (6). First DSS has been to stay in a few months as there have been issues with his mum. So I made sure we had a nice night planned with Halloween activities etc.

DP then rang to say he was being kept on in work until 10 so I told DSS who cried as he missed his dad. I continued on with the planned activities dss had a toilet accident (which I have tried to get DP to sort out but there is no improvement) I cleaned that up text DP to tell him
And he said I was ‘getting at him’.

DSS then started playing his game console online which I really really don’t agree with kids gaming online so mentioned this to DP and he said his mum lets him. So I said yes but this is our house we have our rules...he replied saying he didn’t want to rock the boat as he’s only back. Which I just think is ridiculous parenting so he told me to sort it but I didn’t feel comfortable enough.

It got to 930 and DD was exhausted so I put her to bed then told DSS his bed time would be 1030. I finally sat down at 1045 with a cuppa and half hour later DP comes in (finally) and because said that I was rude as I didn’t reply to his message on the way home. No thanks for sorting out everything today nothing. He went for a shower and I’ve just heard him get into bed. Wtaf is his problem! He has never had my DD all evening and I know he would no bother but I would at least be a little grateful. Apparently I’m just miserable and I probably am but I am exhausted all the time. Should I just bite the bullet and go in and apologise?

OP posts:
spanglydangly · 19/10/2019 10:24

There is only so much I can do for DSS his mum isn’t the greatest either he is raised by his other GPs when on her time. And he is allowed to do whatever he wants no real consequences. There is only so much I can do for DSS and I do that when he’s here but I have no say in other aspects of his life which are the fault of his F AND M,

But your small input won't change his life, his mother and father are shit, the poor kid isn't going to be one well rounded by you telling him once in a blue moon to come off his gaming.

Dollymixture22 · 19/10/2019 10:25

On the in-line gaming you can restrict it to his friends - it just needs parental controls.

My nephew can only talk to pre approved people. It’s his friends from school. We can hear them chatting away.

Is it fortnte?

mankyfourthtoe · 19/10/2019 10:28

Dp
I'm unsure as to why you are upset.
It was your long awaited weekend with dss, you worked late and I parented him.
Today, you're going to x and your mum is parenting him.
Everyone is doing you favours.

Tbh I wouldn't have him unless dp was around or sorted childcare

NoSquirrels · 19/10/2019 10:28

Your DP is a massive twat, and I’m sorry to say you should plan on having no real support with twins, as if he cannot prioritise a 10 year old he barely sees he won’t be happy about giving his time and energy to tiny exhausting newborns.

So please plan accordingly. Tell your family, tell your friends - you’re going to need their support, please, as much as possible for your DD and for yourself. Be honest, you’re worried and you’re going to need them.

Wildorchidz · 19/10/2019 10:28

So will you be happy for your twins grandmother to be the person left to look after them while their father is off doing his hobby?

Windydaysuponus · 19/10/2019 10:34

In future dss wouldn't be coming if his df isn't there. Cleaning up after a 10 yo is def not your responsibility....

KarmaStar · 19/10/2019 10:35

Flowersfor you op,at exactly the time you need love and support from your dp he is being a selfish fool.
When the dc are not there it's time for him to be told how exhausted you are and he needs to start being there for you and appreciating how hard everything seems carrying two babies around 24/7.
Full a rucksack with the equal weight of your babies and ask him to walk around doing chores for a few hours and see how he feels.
Put yourself and your dd first,have a nice day together today.
I hope he picks up and starts to appreciate and help out.

swingofthings · 19/10/2019 10:41

Your SS was disappointed enough not to see his dad that he cried. He clearly terribly disappointed. You then do activities that are more aimed at 6yo than 10yo boys. Fair enough, but that would probably had made him feel ever sader. He then doesn't know what to do, is looking for something to distract himself from the sadness, and all you can do is think that he shouldn't be playing?

You call your OH at work to tell him that? Your OH probably felt bad, for you and even more for his son, and you pester him because he is playing games in the evening when he has nothing else to do? I'm not surprised he got annoyed with you and think you are miserable that you would focus your mental energy on that.

Of course he should have thanked you for looking after his ds, and probably would have if you hadn't pestered him with such pointless matter.

Sadly, his ds will probably decide not to have anything to do with his dad soon enough. That's what happens when fathers give so much priority to their kids, their kids feel let down and ultimately detached themselves from the parent always letting them down. Then the parent goes crying feeling sorry for themselves and of course blame everyone else but themselves for it. That's where your OH is heading.

Wildorchidz · 19/10/2019 10:42

Full a rucksack with the equal weight of your babies and ask him to walk around doing chores for a few hours and see how he feels.

Wtf.

Dollymixture22 · 19/10/2019 10:57

Tbh I am a little saddened that this thread is about you and not the little boy.

You have chosen to be with this selfish man who is clearly a very poor parent.

Your concern should be about the heartbroken little boy who got so upset he cried and wet himself. That is just dreadful. If I was cari g for this little man I would have been heartbroken for him.

Your main concern seems to be apologies and text messages.

He child needs counselling and better parents.

Original poster
CannotbearsedRN · 19/10/2019 10:58

I did try to give DSS a good night. I was so tired and I hadn’t prepared myself yday that I’d be left looking after two kids. I probably shouldn’t have mentioned the gaming to P but it was a genera convo rather than me
Saying you have to sort this now!!

I asked DSS what he wanted to do when we found out his F wasn’t coming home in time he could
Stay, I’d leave him to his granny’s or back to his mums he said he wanted to stay. I’ve told P to stay with him tonight I will go to the meal alone and I’ll prob stay in my mums to give them a bit of QT together

OP posts:
Original poster
CannotbearsedRN · 19/10/2019 10:59

He didn’t wet himself he had pooed himself in school and was like that when I collected him

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 19/10/2019 11:08

My Dd father is shit so I’ve spent the last six years doing mummy and daddy it’s not really phasing me if I have to do it to 3

Thats really sad reading that.

Italiangreyhound · 19/10/2019 12:04

Sone ridiculous and unpleasant comments aimed at you OP when the villain of the piece is your majority shitty partner.

swingofthings "Of course he should have thanked you for looking after his ds, and probably would have if you hadn't pestered him with such pointless matter."

Can't see any evidence that tgis 'd'p would be grateful or that the OP has done anything wrong.

Dollymixture the OP does appear to be upset about the boy but also for herself. Loads if women end up with lazy, unhelpful, unengaged men and I am fairly sure they don't see it coming. I don't think we can blame these women. I feel sorry for the OP her 'partner' is horrible and has left her to deal with a lot.

Italiangreyhound · 19/10/2019 12:07

OP your partner needs to shape up. You should not have to raising four kids without his help.

cherrytreesa · 19/10/2019 12:07

Those are crazy late bedtimes for a 6 and 10 year old

No they're not, they have no school in the morning. It is a thing on Mumsnet though that all children should be in bed at 7.30.

OP what's the issue with the toileting with DSS?

cherrytreesa · 19/10/2019 12:08

Sorry, just seen your updates about the toileting

Original poster
CannotbearsedRN · 19/10/2019 12:14

I have went on about the toileting issue for a while but nothings been done and I have no ‘rights’to bring him to his Gp

OP posts:
DoloresDingo · 19/10/2019 12:21

The only people you should be apologising to is your children for choosing such feckless pricks to father them.

C0untDucku1a · 19/10/2019 12:48

Definitely stay at your mums. Let him parent all day tomorrow.

Dollymixture22 · 19/10/2019 12:48

A ten year old pooed himself at school?

That is a big issue which should be prioritised and addressed. I assume he is getting medical attention for this?

Windydaysuponus · 19/10/2019 12:56

Back away from doing any sort of care for dss. If his df won't do it then you have your answer for his df skills.
You need to make plans for being a lp for your 3 dc. Please don't be in a hurry to hand over your twins to a hapless man...

pinkyredrose · 19/10/2019 13:13

Why are you having more kids with him when he doesn't take much notice of the one he already has! I agree with other posters, that's one messed up kid.

Original poster
CannotbearsedRN · 19/10/2019 14:02

The pooing issue nothing is done app they looked into it a few years ago and it got sorted but sometimes comes back.

He text me from his hobby saying we need to have a serious discussion about where to go from here. I’ve told him I’m busy tonight so will have to be tomorrow. I just know how this will go he will tell me how I have handled everything wrong and how he is amazing

OP posts:
SummerWhisper · 19/10/2019 14:16

Then the good forces of Mumsnet need to prepare you for that conversation with him so that you win.