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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not Inviting Sibling to wedding

29 replies

HuskySnow · 18/10/2019 22:54

So bascially long story short, one of my siblings was a complete d* to me a few years back, and screwed over my fiance, never apologised and now we are only civil for families sake at do's. My sibling is in denial and doesn't even know what they did wrong, and I cant be bothered to go into it all with them, for them to just say it didnt happen or just deny it. My fiance really doesn't like my sibling.

We are now planning our wedding and I dont care if they are there or not, it doesn't effect me, obviously my fiance doesn't want them there, so we arent inviting them. But my parents dont understand and think I'm horrible if I dont invite them.

Surely its our wedding and we can invite who we want?

Its really getting me down, and I love all the wedding planning. But they dont understand that just because they are my sibling, that doesn't mean anything to me.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 18/10/2019 22:56

Well do your parents know what happened?

And yes, you can invite who you want, but your parents can also be upset about that.

Original poster
HuskySnow · 18/10/2019 22:58

Yes they know the situation.

Them being upset I get and I respect, but them then telling my I'm horrible and nasty and guilt tripping me isnt ok in my eyes. I always respect other people opinions and encourage people to have them, but I also would like that in return.

Especially when it's around the most important day in my life

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 18/10/2019 23:01

You say your sibling doesn't know what they've done wrong. Do you mean they actually don't know , or they do know but are not admitting it or accepting that it was wrong. Because if they really don't know, why don't you tell them and clear the air? Its a pretty major thing not to invite a sibling to a wedding, no coming back from that one. And you can't be bothered to explain? I think I'd be upset if I were your parents.
It really does sound like you are the one being unreasonable, but without the full story its hard to gauge.

Original poster
HuskySnow · 18/10/2019 23:08

So my sibling is NEVER in the wrong, is on the verge of a pathological lier and makes up stories and believes them.
They kicked me down when I was at my lowest point, told lies to my family to make the situation 10 times worse, and tried to ruin my relationship with my father with lies.
Plus not being bothered to find out how my daughter was doing when she was in hospital.

Earlier this year they promised an apology and never bothered to do it.

My parents know all of this,

I cant be bothered to go into it all with my sibling because I have before and they denied it all

OP posts:
gwackywacky · 18/10/2019 23:14

We can't help you if we don't know what your sibling did. Sorry.

GreenTulips · 18/10/2019 23:17

Does it matter what the sibling did?

You don’t want them
Your DH2B doesn’t want them

That’s a consequence of your actions

Tell Parents they’re invited and they don’t get a say in the rest of the guests. Accept or not is their choice.

Drum2018 · 18/10/2019 23:24

Don't engage in conversation about it again. If you don't want to invite them then don't. Your parents can sulk but you just shut down any conversation they try to start about it.

HotChocWithCream · 18/10/2019 23:34

Your wedding your rules.

If parents don’t like it they are free to decline their invitations. Have a chat along the lines of, “Fiancé and I have decided we are not inviting X to our wedding. We have valid reasons for this which you are well aware of. We are NOT prepared to budge on this and and therefore not engaging in any discussions about it.” Say it and mean it!

WagtailRobin · 18/10/2019 23:43

I'm very much family orientated (I appreciate everyone is different) and for me family is family, it should in theory be a guarantee, unconditional etc, whereas romantic relationships tend to end and who are you left with if you have cut off a sibling because of an issue they had/have with your other half?

I'm not preaching or judging, I really do respect the fact we all have different limits, different relationships with family, I just think it's sad that a person you grew up with, share the same blood with has been sidelined.

It would kill me to not be in contact with my siblings, but this is all said from my own personal perspective and I don't envy your position at all; I do wish you well in finding a resolution but if you don't want to invite your sibling, don't invite them, it's your choice.

dontgobaconmyheart · 18/10/2019 23:50

sadly i think its just a no win situation OP really, of course you don't have to invite them if you don't want to and don't want them there, your parents aren't specifically being unreasonable to want their children all together on a wedding day either but calling you horrible and nasty is another- have they said that or is that what you think they think?

I recently (the summer) went to a wedding where i know two siblings not speaking, i know the bride didn't technically invite her sibling, or even tell them about the wedding until well after the invites went out, but on the day (i was there) made the whole situation nuclear by trying to dodge endless questions from friends and family as to why everyone was there but him, which really upset her and she was in tears by the end. Felt for her but equally she was a bit stuck in that by fobbing them all off she made it seem like they had chosen not to go, when actually they were never even invited. Sibling B after the fact had family/friends calling saying why would you not go to your sisters wedding, fired back to say she was a liar who never invited them, and the whole family got involved. it's worse than it ever was.

You just need to do what will cause you the least grief OP, that is the best way to manage it.

Separately do you think you would stil be estranged from your sibling if you weren't with your DP? Aside from crime (with no good reason for it) or violence I'd always try to have my DP reconcile with them if it were possible, falling out with family is quite a weight, i'd not want it for my DP even if i couldn't stand the sight of them.

NotANeuroticApple · 19/10/2019 00:22

I think that the whole "blood is thicker than water" thing is complete bullshit and you absolutely shouldn't keep toxic people around you just because you're related to them. You're related to literally every human on the planet, a few extra genes in common isn't anything special really is it?

We don't choose to be born, we don't choose who we grow up with and the idea that you should just forgive and forget and love someone unconditionally based on a choice you personally didn't make seems ludicrous. The idea that you should like or even respect these people regardless of whether you would like them were they not close relations or whether they respect you seems equally ridiculous.

The only person as far as I can see who could feasibly be held to the standard of unconditional love is a parent because they chose to make you their responsibility and even then that only goes one way.

You have every right to exclude whoever the fuck you like and if other people have a problem with it then essentially that just shows that they care more about how they feel about the situation than how you feel about it. Perfectly natural for them to react that way, it is your wedding not theirs after all. Doesn't make it less upsetting to realise though, I'm sure.

Yanbu. Its your life, don't let your family force you into making decisions you aren't 100% happy with.

NotANeuroticApple · 19/10/2019 00:23

can you tell I have a shit family

BloggersBlog · 19/10/2019 00:31

I think @dontgobaconmyheart's post has some really good points. Do you want to spend the day explaining their not being there? The focus will be on them then, not you and your partner.

Really tough situation but I think on balance i would invite but sincerely hope they did the decent thing and declined

100PercentThatBitch · 19/10/2019 00:44

I am single and have often thought when I got married I would have to have a secret wedding, elope or go abroad to avoid inviting my sibling. They would literally go out of their way to ruin my day and I know it.
So I massively sympathise and would want the same

Your parents likely don't want to be in the position of explaining his/her absence

Be careful though if your parents disclose details of your wedding he/she could turn up anyway.

DanielRicciardosSmile · 19/10/2019 00:57

If you don't want them there, don't invite them. DH has two siblings but only invited one of them to our wedding.

Judystilldreamsofhorses · 19/10/2019 01:09

I can’t stand my sibling, we have no contact, and haven’t for over a decade, so I felt really embarrassed to be invited to their wedding. They even reserved a room at the venue (a castle) for us. We declined the invite, but felt obliged to buy a present from their list - the cheapest item on it was £100 - and I
wish they had just not invited us at all.

Floralnomad · 19/10/2019 01:16

You say that you are civil for families sake at events and that’s what your wedding is an event to which family are invited . Frankly if you choose not to invite them you can probably forget being civil in future and run the risk of your parents and other family members making the choice of who to support , you or the sibling and at future events who to invite , you or sibling . Either invite them or go NC making it very clear to them why you are doing so .

Pandaintheporridge · 19/10/2019 01:17

How big is the wedding? Will you notice them if they are there, will they spoil it for you?

Autumn2019 · 19/10/2019 01:56

I can't stand my sibling either. However, if i had a wedding i would invite them unless they had a propensity to cause trouble like start fights/arguments/punch up etc. My sibling wouldn't do that kind of thing so i would invite. I wouldn't want to wash my dirty linen in public or insult them by not inviting. I would sort out any issues privately or just go nc after the event. Sometimes ( if not most of the time) family find a way of resolving feuds and then you are left with regrets for not doing this or that. Also as humans we must strive to better ourselves and try and forgive people where possible. Only you can decide if what your sibling did is forgivable. Say for example if (god forbid) you were told your brother had only a few months to live would that change your mind about inviting him? If yes, then i think you should invite him, but if the answer is no and you cant find it in your heart to forgive then maybe you should not invite. Sometimes we tend to take for granted the people we have in our lives. It is your wedding and is therefore ultimately your decision. Whatever you decide i hope you have a fab day Smile

jennymanara · 19/10/2019 01:58

Of course it is up to you who you invite.
BUT not inviting a sibling may cause upset and have repercussions after the wedding. So others may judge you as being uncaring and unkind, your parents may get upset during the wedding.

I think it is a big deal not to invite a sibling to a wedding, so be sure you care about it enough to deal with any consequences and upset.

KarenBlackpool1997 · 19/10/2019 01:59

This reply has been deleted

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Aunaturalmama · 19/10/2019 02:05

I wish I didn’t invite my brother to my wedding. My mum forced me though. Each time I saw him I just couldn’t help but think dang I hate you lol

SnowyRacoon · 19/10/2019 02:49

@KarenBlackpool1997 you been very busy tonight trolling Reported

Napmum · 19/10/2019 07:53

It sounds like they are a pathological lier nit verging on it OP. Look it doesn't matter what they did you obviously don't want them there and that's the end of it. Your parents understandably would love you guys to make up but without your sibling admitting that they were wrong and making a genuine effort to change this can't happen.

To give practical advice, by not stopping them telling you you're nasty you're just telling them by your actions that they can continue to discuss this point and it's stressing you out. Tell your parents that your decision is final and that if they don't stop upsetting you about it you'll ban them from the wedding as well. Refuse to discuss it and leave if they bring it up in your presence, it might be awful for a while but it's best to get this over with before the wedding. I hope that this works it is obviously really upsetting you. Good luck

YeOldeTrout · 19/10/2019 08:18

I don't understand why your parents don't respect your wishes.

I'm sure one of my brothers didn't come to my wedding... ( was he in prison? )