To say that life isn’t a fair playing field

[Thetruth02]

I know al going to get flamed for this so have name changed. But... I see more and more threads that say “why can other kids go to private school and I can’t afford it” it’s not fair or “someone gets paid a shit load of money but doesn’t seem to work that hard” it’s not fair.

Yes - it may not seem fair - but that’s how life Is. To be clear I’m not talking about things like equal pay, or discrimination here, but the fact is life isn’t fair - karma isn’t a thing - and sometimes you do need to accept that you cannot have what someone else does.

@Lyingonthesofainthedark Christ no- that’s not what I’m saying... I’ve been pretty clear on my follow up posts that I’m talking on an individual level...

Life will never be fair. Some people will lose parents in childhood; some people will be born into very wealthy families; some people will get a lucky break e.g. winning the lotto; some people are born gorgeous.

But we all have the same opportunity to make life better for ourselves through the choices we make, even if it’s in small ways.

My husband and I had polar opposite childhoods. I was privileged; he lived in poverty to be quite honest. We are now at the same point in life. He’s made an amazing life for himself. Some of his siblings still live in poverty.

Life isn't fair. But I disagree with private schools as I don't think children with wealthy parents should automatically be given more opportunities than children in poverty.

When it comes to education, I believe that ALL children should be given the same opportunities and then it's up to them to choose how they use it. I wish education was fairer.

How is my DC “privileged” - to have a lifelong disability that nobody will help him with?

Do you really not understand?

There are obscene numbers of children with disabilities that nobody will help them with, thanks to the choices made by this government.

Your child is privileged because they have a parent who can afford to help them. Most do not. They are not any less important just because their parents are less wealthy.

A shockingly small number of people with ASD end up in employment - who do you think has a better chance, the autistic child whose parents could pay for therapies and a private school, and the child who’s going to mainstream for two hours a day only because they have no other options?

You’re incredibly patronising for someone who can’t grasp basic principles.

But we all have the same opportunity to make life better for ourselves through the choices we make, even if it’s in small ways.

No we don’t. That’s absolute nonsense.

Sinkgirl, it’s not nonsense. I had a truly rubbish childhood but wanted better for my own children so ensured I changed things and made better decisions.

Too many want it all for little or no effort or make choices they can’t afford and then blame it on others or the government.

All children can have a free education until 18 and then there is a loan system for those that want to go to uni. Same options for everyone.

IceCream yet another example of someone saying "I managed to do it so everyone else should too." Every single person has their own individual set of circumstances.

And all education is not equal. Some schools are much better than others. A university loan is not always enough to live on, so poor students have to get jobs to top up their incomes, therefore leaving less time to study, whereas wealthier students may get additional financial help from parents and might not have to work while studying.

To say everyone has an equal chance in life is naïve.

I don’t think everyone is saying that individual choice can lead to everyone being equal or having equal opportunity...however individual choice can lead to improvement.

For example: person a and b are children born into poverty and parents who don’t care.
Person a chooses to run the streets with other kids; gets into trouble; doesn’t work hard at school; gets into drugs; lives in poverty.
Person b chooses to study; to work hard in school; to apply for grants to get further education; gets a good job; is never rich but their life is vastly improved on what it could be.

Life isn’t fair. Never will be fair. You can only work hard to enjoy what you have and somewhat improve yourself as much as possible.

Sinkgirl, it’s not nonsense. I had a truly rubbish childhood but wanted better for my own children so ensured I changed things and made better decisions.

That’s great. It doesn’t mean that everyone has the ability and opportunity to do the same. Race, disability, poverty, trauma, education etc are all barriers and just because one person has the ability/intelligence/opportunity to overcome one or several of these doesn’t mean that everyone does. I grew up on a Salford council estate and now my life is very different. My mum had a very traumatic background, my childhood included sexual abuse, I now have chronic health issues myself, we had to overcome a lot of barriers - but I was fortunate in many other ways (my mother was intelligent despite little education and she had the ability to progress in her career, I was intelligent enough to get into a grammar school and get a degree, I’m white, I grew up with good health, etc). I don’t think for a second that everyone who grew up where I did had the same chances, abilities and opportunities.

My children are disabled. They definitely do not have the same chances, abilities and opportunities to succeed as other children do. They are fortunate that I give a shit, that I pushed for early assessment and diagnosis, that I research and implement everything I can, and that I am able to understand and navigate a very complex and confusing system so they can access benefits, services and an education but it’s a huge battle. I frequently say to DH that anyone who struggles with literacy or comprehension simply wouldn’t be able to access the things we are accessing. I see it frequently on groups for parents of disabled children. Those kids won’t have the same opportunities as my children, who in turn won’t have the same as NT children. It’s not that difficult to understand this, so I can only assume some don’t want to acknowledge it.

I think its hard sometimes to acknowledge that some people have multiple disadvantages while at the same time not making them feel that they might as well not try, especially with teenagers.
Better careers advice in schools would be great, and more financial assistance for things like getting to uni interviews.

And with little DC, people on mumsnet are sometimes a bit sneery when a DM asks about flashcards or workbooks and people say things like 'just play maths games' or 'take them to museums' but maybe the DM doesn't trust their maths skills or can't afford to get to a museum...but at least they are trying to give their DC more opportunities.

I think I was around 5 yrs old when I realised life wasn't fair.

Life has never been, nor will ever be, fair ffs !

I'm all for trying to make things LESS unfair such as the pay inequality or education access, but still life will not be fair.

It's impossible for things in life to be fair, and pining after a better life won't do a scrap of good unless you are willing to get off your arse and work for what you want (and even then, life will not be fair, just improved).

I try to think more in terms of what constitutes a good life for me, and then work hard to get it. :)

I find your views quite sweet really, but naive and wrong-headed in anyone over the age of about 6.

Yes, I think you’re the patronising one.

Your attitude is abhorrent.

You could piss the national debt at the NHS and it would still be on its knees. It has never been any other way.

Typical neoliberal hyperbole.

The only difference is that you think councils etc would pay for decent care if only people like me were taxed even more and/or the government weren’t such austere shits.

Yeah, much better to spend far more than any tax increase on private healthcare and education for you and your own, eh?

Whatever I have or don’t have, I’m very glad I don’t think like you.

Do what you want. I’ll carry on trying to help other people and not just myself, thanks.

AlphaBravo I don't have a disabled DC so I'm sure in your situation I would do the same thing.

BUT I do find it interesting (and I noticed it a lot of here) is that you said it's mainly your DH's money.

In which case, it's mere luck that you are married to someone who is earning well. If you were single with no financial help from your H would you be able to afford the private care and schooling for your DS alone? You might have a different view then.

A lot of the "I'm alright jack" attitudes on here seem to come from women who don't earn high themselves, they are just married to men that do.

You have no idea what I do. Just because right now I’m pointing out your deeply unpleasant ideology doesn’t mean I don’t also do things which are constructive. But far easier for you to paint me as a “bleeding heart lefty” than a decent person trying to do her best to help those the system has left behind, rather than only worrying about my own kids.

They definitely do not have the same chances, abilities and opportunities to succeed as other children do
Who are these 'other' children? The ones you are selecting to compare your kids to? A non-standardised selection that include children who had wonderful life?

This goes back to my point that too many assume that those who 'succeed' had easy life and were therefore lucky. Some will and some will not, just as some kids will have a great start in life and still face unexpected hardships that they will have to overcome to do fine.

Our problem is that we are constantly comparing ourselves to selected others to suit the position we see ourselves in and if that is to feel that we are hard done by, will inevitably mean comparing ourselves with people who at that particular time appear in a better position than us.

Those who have the perfect life could become the ones we would envy the least tomorrow, the ones who are faced with the unfairness of life, despite having it really good until then.

We could almost all consider that life has been unfair to us, be it because we started in poverty, because we are not physically attractive, below in intelligence, because we never met anyone that made us happy, couldn't have children, had to look after demanding elderly parents that prevented us from living our own life, because of expected or unexpected health troubles, or disasters in life.

So I do fully agree that no matter the unfairness, almost everyone has an opportunity to make their life a bit better at some point in it but for that, we have to focus our attention and energy on times ahead of us rather than the past and present.

Who are these 'other' children? The ones you are selecting to compare your kids to? A non-standardised selection that include children who had wonderful life?

This is my point - this is not a difficult thing to understand and yet you’re deliberately not understanding. My post explained this very clearly.

The ideology I’m referring to is the one where you are advocating that decent public services are impossible so we should just give up on every child whose parent can’t afford private care and education.

I’ve helped more than 50 people apply successfully for DLA for their child in the last year. I volunteer for a helpline which advises parents on services available to their children in the local area. I help run a local support group which does the same. I’ve been involved in three fundraisers in the last year raising money for our local portage service (who we’ve had weekly visits from for the last year between our twins) and local child development centre, and I’m currently working with a local charity and parents group to try and set up a sensory room for kids with disabilities. And I’ve done this while obtaining diagnoses, therapy, DLA, blue badges, medical investigations and initiating the EHCP process for two children at the same time, not to mention caring for two non verbal, autistic children, one with a visual impairment, brain damage and other medical issues.

You know fuck all about me.

You carry on as you are. Luckily we are not all like you.

I totally agree OP, but seems we're in a minority.
We have one child that managed to access private school, but it was a fluke more than us being able to afford it.
I don't see it as an unfair life, just that this is what I've got and this is how I'm going to live.
Some people go through life wanting what hey can't have and make themselves miserable in the process.
Everything comes at a cost, nothing is free.

I find the number of these threads that are popping up quite disgusting as it is quite clearly an opportunity for all and sundry to make excuses for the fact that they have been lucky in the past, lucky with birth, education, house prices, and so on, and those of us who haven't can just suck it up now for both ourselves and our children and accept lower status, lower wages, and lower rewards forever. It's part and parcel of Britain's increasingly stratified hierarchies and closing class system. The possibilities to improve one's own position are being taken away.

It is truly alarming how few people are willing to recognise that. It's even more alarming how many people are prepared to try to justify it. It won't work, and it will not help those making the excuses when the resulting social collapse comes.