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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this selfish?

83 replies

Northernsoulgirl45 · 17/10/2019 19:07

Dh works full time in a high earning role. Not a stealth boast but relevant. He also has a health condition which means that he is unable to do anything around the house.
I worked full time pre dc but since having dc I have done various part time roles. All of these jobs are minimum wage type roles.
One of our dds has additional needs which result in extra work and appointments etc. I pick up all of this along with all the housework, laundry, childcare, etc etc. I know the dc should do more to help but this is a work in progress.
Just recently he has had quite alot of time off sick and has had additional time to devote to hobbies.
So last night we had a rare date night and he indicated that he would like to work part time and for me to work full time
I said that if this happened he would need to do at least 60 to 70% of the chores I currently do in the home or to outsource them if he can't do it.
He kind of went quiet at that point.
So wibu to have responded in that way .
I dont have any objection to upping my hours per se but if I do and he drops his than things should be more balanced at home and
So who is being selfish if anyone mn jury.

OP posts:
LucileDuplessis · 17/10/2019 19:08

Of course YANBU!

Bananasandchocolatecustard · 17/10/2019 19:09

Sounds fair to me.

ShirleyPhallus · 17/10/2019 19:10

If he is capable of a high flying job but not physical stuff around the house, why isn’t he coordinating some of the appointments / doing some of the desk based house stuff anyway?

Pinkypurple35 · 17/10/2019 19:11

Completely fair

HolyMilkBoobiesBatman · 17/10/2019 19:13

Of course YANBU, but not is he for wanting more help with financially supporting the family.

If you upped your hours and he reduced his would you be the main earner or would you be earning more equally?

Lllot5 · 17/10/2019 19:13

What high flying job can he do but he can’t do housework?
If you work full time from now on he obviously has to up his game re housework.
Who does he imagine is going to go it ...... oh I know you! Cheeky feck

Loopytiles · 17/10/2019 19:15

What is preventing him doing domestic work and admin?

What are you doing for your pension?

Original poster
Northernsoulgirl45 · 17/10/2019 19:23

Tbf he does do bill paying admin but I do the rest. I have tried to delegate homework help but this has largely been unsuccessful. If J went full time and ge went half time he would still earn more probably.

OP posts:
Original poster
Northernsoulgirl45 · 17/10/2019 19:26

My pension is a bone of contention. I know I need to sort out extra contributions but whenever I mention it his response seems to be well you dont need one but I know I should just sort it myself.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 17/10/2019 19:26

Is it just that he's physically exhausted when he gets home from full time work, so can't do housework?

Did he think you'd do full time work and all of the housework?

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/10/2019 19:30

Of course he’s being selfish.

Tbf he does do bill paying admin but I do the rest.

Is this still a thing? Everything here is on DD or paid online or over the phone at the time. Once a year we review things for the best deal, takes maybe an hour. It’s not a big job.

100PercentThatBitch · 17/10/2019 19:31

If he LITERALLY can't do them as in physically beyond his capabilities then it's maybe unfair to tell him he has to

But it is also unfair of him to think that working part time would be a doddle were he can sit on his arse and do his hobbies when you've never been able to do that and it makes him seem quite childish.

So unless he is willing to pay to outsource YANBU

turnthebiglightoff · 17/10/2019 19:34

OP if he can devote extra time to hobbies whilst he is off sick, why can't he help more around the house? Genuine question. I get it if the hobby is gaming or something but choosing to go part time to spend more time on a hobby and leaving you to pick up the slack is most unfair. He should stay full time and provide extra money for a cleaner!!

thisisthend · 17/10/2019 19:34

Yes, you are being unreasonable. He has contributed to the bulk of your upkeep, and you've just skived, and now when the shoes on the other foot, you want him to do the bulk of the housework. What do you actually do?

SuchAToDo · 17/10/2019 19:35

What is the health condition that means he can work full time but can't help at home?

ElizaCBennett · 17/10/2019 19:36

Why don’t you need a pension OP? Is he going to support you from his when you retire? What if - god forbid - you split up? What will you live on then?

TheRobinIsBobbingAlong · 17/10/2019 19:39

How come he is able to work a full time job and do hobbies but not housework?

turnthebiglightoff · 17/10/2019 19:39

@thisisthend are you high?

katmarie · 17/10/2019 19:40

@thisistheend the op has hardly skived! Shes been working, parenting and managing the house.

OP I dont think you're being unreasonable. If you have more work hours to do plus the same hours of domestic work, and he has less work hours and more free time, how is that fair? What was he planning to do with his extra hours? Do you get hobby time?

Oakmaiden · 17/10/2019 19:40

Yes, you are being unreasonable. He has contributed to the bulk of your upkeep, and you've just skived, and now when the shoes on the other foot, you want him to do the bulk of the housework. What do you actually do?

Dis you read the same OP as me???

Original poster
Northernsoulgirl45 · 17/10/2019 19:41

Skived from full time paid employment maybe which I guess to some people is all that matters. However I cook every night, clear up aftwr dinner every night, school runs and parents evenings., shopping, medical appointments laundry, housework etc.
Should I redlly do all that and work full time whildt he works part time?

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 17/10/2019 19:41

What condition (sort of condition) does he have that means he can’t do any housework? Chores can be quite varied and there are tools and gadgets you can buy if disability is an issue but he might be able to do some...

Bluntness100 · 17/10/2019 19:46

It depends on the health condition op, what it is, and why he wishes to go part time, is it due to his health?

If his health condition does stop him doing chores at home as you specifically state and he's needs to go part time for his health, then unless you can afford a cleaner, then you are being selfish.

If he's going part time because he just fancies it, then it's him.

TARSCOUT · 17/10/2019 19:49

I work fulltime but can't do physical housework much, even if I was part time I couldn't so I have a cleaner

Bluntness100 · 17/10/2019 19:50

What high flying job can he do but he can’t do housework

There are plenty of desk jobs you can do, but still would unable to do anything physical Confused

Bottom line is op you've not given enough info on why he wishes to go part time, and if his health condition does prevent him doing housework as you say.

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