Is this selfish?

[Northernsoulgirl45]

Dh works full time in a high earning role. Not a stealth boast but relevant. He also has a health condition which means that he is unable to do anything around the house.
I worked full time pre dc but since having dc I have done various part time roles. All of these jobs are minimum wage type roles.
One of our dds has additional needs which result in extra work and appointments etc. I pick up all of this along with all the housework, laundry, childcare, etc etc. I know the dc should do more to help but this is a work in progress.
Just recently he has had quite alot of time off sick and has had additional time to devote to hobbies.
So last night we had a rare date night and he indicated that he would like to work part time and for me to work full time
I said that if this happened he would need to do at least 60 to 70% of the chores I currently do in the home or to outsource them if he can't do it.
He kind of went quiet at that point.
So wibu to have responded in that way .
I dont have any objection to upping my hours per se but if I do and he drops his than things should be more balanced at home and
So who is being selfish if anyone mn jury.

So he’s able to go to his hobby at the weekend but not take his child to hers? Sounds like he uses his health to manipulate and get his own way.

I would list the tasks that need doing for the home and the DC, with how lng each takes.
Then you can both work out how many h each of you could work out how many hours how want to work, kept equal by dividing the other tasks accordingly.
So for ex A works for 30h a week + 20h tasks, B works 40h a week + 10h tasks.
He could get less total time to take into account his health issues so for ex you do 60% of the hours but 70h for you vs 30 for him wouldn’t be fair.

He earns enough to get a cleaner.

How often do you help him to dress etc? He might qualify for some PIP. CAB have advice about it online. That would pay for a cleaner each week.

YANBU to say that you can’t work full time and carry on doing all the domestic stuff.

It sounds like he thinks you’ve got the easier end of the deal. He wants to cut back on work but doesn’t want to pick up anything at home like you have to do. He sounds a bit like a lazy manchild.

I have hired a cleaner when not earning, because I had anaemia at the time and the other half was a clean freak.

Even on a PT wage at that level he could afford to hire a cleaner/home help to cover some of the jobs.

It is hard and tiring if you have a partner with a disability, especially as you said one of the kids has additional needs. You're right that if you went full time he should ensure some of these jobs are covered so you aren't run ragged.

Hell, he could definitely hire someone at the moment!

OH had severe arthritis/needed a hip replacement at the time, which was why he couldn't do much housework himself.

Even if he can't do much physical housework, I infer from what the OP has said that he intends to basically ignore all of it - and that’s not on. It is tiring having to carry all the mental load for running a house and family. If he's capable of gaming, he's capable of sorting out online shopping, researching local cleaners, window cleaners, gardeners, laundry services and childcare, coordinating diaries and activities, researching best deals for insurance and utilities (he might already be doing that bit, if he sorts out finances,) arranging parent evening appointments, dentists, opticians, other medical stuff. There may be physical limitations to his capabilities, and pain could mean he''s sometimes too tired to take some of the mental load, but it sounds like he's not trying to engage with any of it, nor manage his health and so on, and that's unreasonable of him.