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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this selfish?

83 replies

Northernsoulgirl45 · 17/10/2019 19:07

Dh works full time in a high earning role. Not a stealth boast but relevant. He also has a health condition which means that he is unable to do anything around the house.
I worked full time pre dc but since having dc I have done various part time roles. All of these jobs are minimum wage type roles.
One of our dds has additional needs which result in extra work and appointments etc. I pick up all of this along with all the housework, laundry, childcare, etc etc. I know the dc should do more to help but this is a work in progress.
Just recently he has had quite alot of time off sick and has had additional time to devote to hobbies.
So last night we had a rare date night and he indicated that he would like to work part time and for me to work full time
I said that if this happened he would need to do at least 60 to 70% of the chores I currently do in the home or to outsource them if he can't do it.
He kind of went quiet at that point.
So wibu to have responded in that way .
I dont have any objection to upping my hours per se but if I do and he drops his than things should be more balanced at home and
So who is being selfish if anyone mn jury.

OP posts:
Namechangeforthiscancershit · 17/10/2019 22:15

Definitely not high earning to get away with what he's suggesting.

Given that you will be earning a lot less between you, it's hard to understand the logic behind him going PT

Original poster
Northernsoulgirl45 · 17/10/2019 22:36

It is hard because it is a condition where some days are better than others.
I do think that he should push for occupational therapy appointments though as if I am not around he will order a takaway.

OP posts:
Di11y · 18/10/2019 06:52

why does he want to work PT? is it the arthritis or just that he doesn't want to work as hard?

would he let his career take a back seat and give you the space to improve your earning potential?

Original poster
Northernsoulgirl45 · 18/10/2019 07:14

I think we definitely have more to discuss o

OP posts:
Windygate · 18/10/2019 07:25

So what he actually wants is for you to carry on doing everything your doing now and work full time whilst he reduces his hours, sits around gaming and continues to do nothing at home or with DC. YANBU

Atalune · 18/10/2019 07:32

He sounds like a child.

Original poster
Northernsoulgirl45 · 18/10/2019 07:42

So this morning whilst struggling to dress for work ( I was helping) he said see why I don't want to do this anymore. Clearly today is a bad day.
I pointed out he would still have to dress but he said at least I can do it in my own time.
Our second conversation was telling me that I would have to bring dd3 to dd1s activity tomorrow as he was out tomorrow afternoon.
He has turned into a selfish manchild. Or msybe it was always there just more hidden.

OP posts:
EBearhug · 18/10/2019 08:00

Has he done a budget for it? If he goes PT and you went FT, what would be the combined income? How will it differ from now? What would the costs of getting in a cleaner be, or extra childcare for his bad days, or taxis if he can't drive, but is due to take the children to activities? Regardless of time spent running the house, can you afford for him to go PT and you go FT?

Is his arthritis likely to get worse in time? Because if it is, you might have to think about this in a few years anyway. But I do agree that it''s unreasonable for him to go PT and not pick up any of the tasks involved in running a household, but expect you to carry on doing that as well as working FT, while he's got more time for gaming.

ZenNudist · 18/10/2019 08:07

He sounds horrid. I guess being in pain is affecting his personality. I think the answer is for him to make a flexible working or similar request for accomodation. Then he doesn't have to worry about being late if hes struggling to dress.

Maybe reduce hours slightly. It doesn't make much sense for you to take up minimum wage jobs if he has to work in the home.

You need to insist on equal share of leisure time.
I dont see why he cant take dc to activities. He can get out and about when it suits him.

You are being taken for a mug.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 18/10/2019 08:24

I think what you need to do is let him go part time but you also stay part-time. An increase in your wages isn't going to compensate for the added stress of you working full time and effectively being a single mother to your kids, and him.

So I think the only agreement you make is both of you part time. He can concentrate on addressing his health, going back to his consultant, ensuring he is doing everything he possibly can to maintain it and then you can guage if you can survive as a family with you both working part time or if it needs to be looked in to that he makes steps to go back full time, or even 4 days etc.

When you're not well it's very easy to wallow and sink into the mindset of 'there's nothing I can do'. My own husband is guilty with similar health issues. It usually takes months of him complaining and months of me saying "go back to the doctor" before he does something about it and then there's an improvement.. For a while!

HeyNotInMyName · 18/10/2019 08:36

I guess being in pain is affecting his personality.
I’ve been struggling to walk more than a few 100 metres. It has never stopped me from being a parent or to do how much I could do around the house.
If the pain is affecting him (well known it makes people frustrated and depressed), then he needs to go and see his GP. He can’t just give up and hope that someone is going to pick up the pieces whilst he carries on being selfish (eg take the afternoon off leaving the OP handling it all on her own)

HeyNotInMyName · 18/10/2019 08:43

tellme how is that arrangement fair though?
Man struggles to acknowledge he needs help. Refuses to go and see GP. Makes his life miserable (his issue) but also the one if his death and his dcs.
How is that an acceptable thing to do?
Would he do that if he was in his own (aka needing the money to live)? Or if he was also solely responsible for his dcs?

Being in pain and/or ill is shit. And yes it stops you from doing many things.
It’s not an excuse to be selfish in that way.

I would be much much more understanding if he was saying I’m going part time because I’m much more in pain when im exhausted/I’m so tired at the end if the week that I need the whole weekend to recover and that I means I don’t spend any time with my dcs etc..,,

Awaywiththepiskies · 18/10/2019 08:55

You know YANBU.

I’m fascinated by a high flying, high earning job which means I don’t have to do housework as well!

But seriously, it’s clear he doesn’t see all the (unpaid) work that you do as work. And he also doesn’t see what you’ve sacrificed to facilitate his career and health. He also doesn’t see the extra work of a child with health issues.

He’s very self-centred.

And you need to look after a pension for you. Your DH might like to think he’ll “look after” you, but he’s not doing it now. What’s going to change?

Lowlandlucky · 18/10/2019 09:21

He wants to go P/T so he can sit on his arse for hours on end because he is more interested in gaming than being a husband and parent.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/10/2019 09:26

How on earth have you got to the stage where you do literally all the housework and he does nothing?

Of course YANBU for telling him he'll need to pick more up if he goes part time. I bet he was expecting to just be sitting around at home/playing golf. What a lazy man.

wingardium8 · 18/10/2019 09:43

This is going to be a fairly hard one to broach because it sounds like he has a genuine health difficulty in doing certain things around the house. Clearly he could be doing more but ime you can't dismiss health issues without causing bad feelings.

But it seems that the finances just don't stack up with his proposal, so can you just focus on that? Work out what would be the household income with him dropping his hours (big drop) and you going full time (tiny increase), plus costs of a cleaner and any other household help you think is reasonable if he maintains he can't do anything.

I suspect that cold hard numbers might change his mind.

It just does not make sense for someone who has the greater earning power but inability to pick up the household stuff, to swap with the person who has a much lower wage and has the home work covered.

Mind you, even if you keep things the same work-wise, he needs to be doing more at the weekend, even if it's just being around to supervise one child while you're running around with the other. So sad for the DC that he doesn't seem interested in them.

Nanny0gg · 18/10/2019 09:43

How would he manage if he was on his own?

And he's using you as a housekeeper and Nanny to his children.

VimFuego101 · 18/10/2019 09:50

If you don't even have a pension, I don't think you're in a position to be cutting your household income voluntarily. What's the bare minimum you can afford to live off each month, have you done a budget?

What has he done to try and help his arthritis? I have it, it's miserable - but there are meds, diet changes and physio exercises that help a bit. Just wondering if he's doing anything to help himself in that regard.

Atalune · 18/10/2019 12:44

Think you both need to have an honest conversation about your lives.

Map out all the gets done and then put names next to them. Then look at the finances. And look at what you budget looks like.

Then you can have a chat about changing your lives. Currently he wants a change but it sounds like he has no clue what that actually means in real terms.

It’s sad he’s unwell. That must get him down. But this is his life.

Touchofclass · 18/10/2019 13:03

If he goes part time AND gets a cleaner surely that's going to have more of an impact on your finances.

You definitely need a trial and some figures put infront of him . Maybe do a week in the day of you !! A lot of men are oblivious and just don't realise what's Infront of them.

He needs a reality check. If he wants less hours out the house , he needs to make it up inside the house. You need to make him understand he's an adult with a family , not a teenager on his summer holidays !

Awaywiththepiskies · 18/10/2019 13:45

I know 2 people who have chronic arthritis at a level where they both receive DLA (for mobility cars & help with cleaning & gardening) and have Blue Badges. One has had both hips replaced at age 50, the other both knees at age 40. So serious stuff.

They both hold down professional jobs with 50+ working hours (earning more than £60k I should think) and have lives and hobbies and generally contribute.

They're both single. They're both women.

I think there's a lesson here ....

Awaywiththepiskies · 18/10/2019 13:47

So if your DH's arthritis is bad enough to make him want to cut back his working hours, does he receive DLA or PiP? What engagement does he undertake with his medical advisers - GP, Physio etc? How does he look after himself in terms of diet and exercise?

How would he cope if you weren't nannying him?

Even with his chronic condition, YANBU and he is behaving like an idiot.

Original poster
Northernsoulgirl45 · 18/10/2019 14:10

He sees hospital consultant regularly but no pip or DLA. I have suggested he applies but he doesn't thonk he would qualify.

OP posts:
Original poster
Northernsoulgirl45 · 18/10/2019 14:11

Diet is not great and not much exercise.

OP posts:
Awaywiththepiskies · 18/10/2019 15:09

He needs to be far better at managing his health. He should enquire into DLA etc. If he’s in enough discomfort to want to cut back working then he should see what benefits he qualifies for. Otherwise he needs to work, like most adults do. Either paid or unpaid (childcare etc) or a mix.

Not gaming (I can’t take that seriously as a hobby - it’s a time-passer) or sitting about.

And presumably no one held him at gunpoint to marry and have children so he needs to realise this is his life. And he needs to grow up.

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