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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this selfish?

83 replies

Northernsoulgirl45 · 17/10/2019 19:07

Dh works full time in a high earning role. Not a stealth boast but relevant. He also has a health condition which means that he is unable to do anything around the house.
I worked full time pre dc but since having dc I have done various part time roles. All of these jobs are minimum wage type roles.
One of our dds has additional needs which result in extra work and appointments etc. I pick up all of this along with all the housework, laundry, childcare, etc etc. I know the dc should do more to help but this is a work in progress.
Just recently he has had quite alot of time off sick and has had additional time to devote to hobbies.
So last night we had a rare date night and he indicated that he would like to work part time and for me to work full time
I said that if this happened he would need to do at least 60 to 70% of the chores I currently do in the home or to outsource them if he can't do it.
He kind of went quiet at that point.
So wibu to have responded in that way .
I dont have any objection to upping my hours per se but if I do and he drops his than things should be more balanced at home and
So who is being selfish if anyone mn jury.

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 17/10/2019 19:53

Obviously the parent who works part time should do more housework and childcare. Perhaps he could look at adaptions to be able to do his share.

Also, surely these arrangement should be a discussion, not just announced by him.

Bluntness100 · 17/10/2019 19:55

Obviously the parent who works part time should do more housework and childcare

Not obviously at all. It depends entirely on his health and what he is capable of. Even with adaptations.

pooopypants · 17/10/2019 19:58

Who does he think will be doing the housework if you're working FT and him PT? The cleaning fairies?

Would you be able to afford Bill's etc on your wage (I appreciate he would be still be working PT but obviously that would come with a pay cut)?

madcatladyforever · 17/10/2019 20:00

i can't imagine how you can do hobbies and get to a high flying job and can have sex - has kids obviously but can do nothing in the house?
My friend is in a wheelchair but still does the cooking, I'm disabled but work in a busy clinic (sitting) full time and still manage to do stuff round the house, well I have to as I live on my own.
Unless he's quadraplegic I don't get it.

YeOldeTrout · 17/10/2019 20:04

You guys should have a lot of savings given his recent income, so easy enough to hire in some home help.

Velveteenfruitbowl · 17/10/2019 20:05

I think it depends on his reason for cutting his hours. If it’s health related then YABU (assuming that the 60% you require falls within his inabilities). In sickness and in health and all that.

But if he is cutting hours by choice then YANBU. It’s not fair to expect you to do all the housework, childcare and, work full time so that he can enjoy himself.

NaviSprite · 17/10/2019 20:10

Yeah I'd like to know about the physical condition too, seems a bit odd to me that he can manage a job, hobbies and what have you but not do a little bit more at home?

Sounds really odd to me, my DH has long term chronic Pericarditis which basically makes him feel as though he's having a heart attack most of the time, he still manages to do his bit!

As madcatladyforever said - unless he's a quadraplegic, I don't get it!

Oh and YANBU at all Smile

bridgetreilly · 17/10/2019 20:11

YABU. If you switch so that he is working part time and you are working full time, he should start doing 100% of the tasks you now do around the home while you work part time.

Original poster
Northernsoulgirl45 · 17/10/2019 20:17

His job is desk based. I think that not doing anything around the house due to his illness is partly that he says he can't do it and partly as he is tired after work.
Although he still doesn't do slot weekends.
The hobby is gaming mainly.
I do have a hobby which I do a couple of times a week if I can. I love it as it helps my mental and physical health.
However the one evening I do it, around Rainbows drop offs I always return to a messier home than I left.

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 17/10/2019 20:21

You are being fair.

Original poster
Northernsoulgirl45 · 17/10/2019 20:25

I tbink the words he used were I enjoyed it when I was off/ on reduced hours. I do think there is a certain amount of tiredness during the week but tbh those words pissed me off.
Aldo he could do more weekends. Even talking dd3 to swimming or dd1 to her activity would have helped but he basically wanted a weekend at home.
I even suggested a family afternoon out on Sunday but it clashed with the Grand Prix so I took the kids on my own.
He has quite severe arthritis.

OP posts:
MitziK · 17/10/2019 20:28

You sound perfectly reasonable - if you're swapping the number of hours worked outside the home, you should be swapping the number of hours worked inside the home.

BeesKnees4 · 17/10/2019 20:38

he says he can't do it and partly as he is tired after work
Yes he has arthritis but as do many people, he can’t use it as a get out to avoid helping out. He won’t help in house, won’t help with kids, makes a mess yet finds time and energy for his hobbies? Think he’s taking you for a mug especially when his face fell at the thought of going PT meant running the house.

HeyNotInMyName · 17/10/2019 20:41

I have a chronic illness that means there are many things I can’t do around the house.
That doesn’t stop me from doing the lighter tasks and I’m really wondering what is his condition that he can do a desk based job but can’t do anything around the house. I mean he, at least, could do the home work with the dcs, parenting, all the admin, meal planning etc....

If I was working less than I do now, I would also expect to be in better shape physically to be able to help around the house.

My point is

  • yes if he was PT, then he has no reason why he can’t do a lot of what you are doing in the house (eg take the dcs to their appointment etc...)
  • and actually I do wonder if his health isn’t just a good excuse for nit stepping up (to the level he COULD be doing)

YANBU of course.

HeyNotInMyName · 17/10/2019 20:44

Xpost.
Arthritis doesn’t stop him from taking the dcs to their activities
It doesn’t stop him from parenting them
It doesn’t stop him form doing some light housework if he can move around and walk.
He is using it as excuse and has taken you for a mug.

It would be different if he was crippled by pain because the arthritis (but then he would struggle to work full time).

GettingABitDesperateNow · 17/10/2019 20:44

To be honest if you're on minimum wage and he cant do housework and he is high earner then there is probably no point you increasing your hours as it will surely be a drop in the ocean towards making up the shortfall. If it's just one day could you cope financially without earning more or would you struggle? What was he thinking of doing on his day(s) off?

Sunshine93 · 17/10/2019 20:46

He sounds like he thinks your life is easier than his. Stick to your guns. If he is prepared to take on what you do and you are able to swap to work full time then why not? If he fails to keep up with things then clearly it's not appropriate for your family life to run that way.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 17/10/2019 20:47

I have just read your update. Dont increase your hours until he shows you that he will do his actual share around the house. If he doesnt show you this then it's unlikely he will change and he just wants to have more time to himself. Dont we all.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 17/10/2019 20:50

To put it really simply, his contribution to the family is earning money and your contribution is doing loads at home. I dont mean to sound disrespectful but unless you left a high earning career after having kids and you can step back into it, it seems unlikely you are going to be able to take over his role financially and it sounds like he is unwilling to take over your role in the house. Couldn't you get a cleaner anyway if he is a high earner it should be achievable?

Original poster
Northernsoulgirl45 · 17/10/2019 20:54

I think perhaps the answer is to do a trial. I will try and get some temporary retail part time work in the run up to Christmas and ask him to do some of the evening / weekend activities and homework help etc whilst still working full time.
Than we can review in the New Year.

OP posts:
MitziK · 17/10/2019 20:59

I have Psoriatic Arthritis. I take my meds, I do what I can to keep fit/active (very little, but anything is better than nothing, IMO) I work fulltime, it's still not under control, but I do housework. I outsource what I can't or won't do (windowcleaning, mostly, and when I have the money, I'm thinking of treating the house to a professional one-off clean) - DP works now, but I still did some whilst he wasn't; now he is out working almost as much as I am (and he still says his job is a lot less demanding than mine), he comes in and I've done my fair share.

I'd have loved to be able to lounge around the house for half the week whilst he worked fulltime and did all the housework - I don't think I'd have actually done that except when in the middle of a massive flare, when I can't even hold a mug - but having the option would have been nice. It's just not what grownups do, though.

I wouldn't increase my hours to enable somebody to do even less, just because it would be nice for them.

Original poster
Northernsoulgirl45 · 17/10/2019 21:00

My last job was just admin earning about 15K. At the time he was on 30k but in the intervening years his salary has almost doubled.
So me working full time wouldn't put a dent in it.
We do have savings so probably could take a reduction in salary but we would have to economise too.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 17/10/2019 21:50

He doesn’t sound like he has much regard for YOUR wellbeing or appreciation.

ShirleyPhallus · 17/10/2019 22:04

So he’s on about £50-£55k now?

I wouldn’t say that’s “high earning” enough to get away with not doing any housework by any stretch!

Bluntness100 · 17/10/2019 22:08

Severe arthritis is something I can see why someone would struggle to do housework and want to go part time, that's a tough tough thing to have. I'm surprised so many posters are dismissing it.