To want to give it one more go having a baby at 40 after 2 miscarriages?

[Jojowash]

Hi guys,

Really want your opinions on this..

AIBU..

I am 40 and I have two boys 14 and 16.

We decided to try for another baby fell pregnant easily but lost first at 9 weeks and second at 6 weeks.

The trauma is quite horrific going through the miscarriage itself as well as a complete shock and feelings of loss and failure.

But the urge has grown. They told me i basically have a 50/50 chance of mc.

Would you try just one more time?

I would and I have done it. Had the baby at age 43 after several miscarriages. I am contemplating trying for another one actually!

Honestly only you can decide.

I have a 19 and 14 year old. I’m 38, the thought of a baby now reduces me to tears. I’ve had several losses, all whilst on the pill or coil, I’m hyper fertile so the nurses and doctors say, I don’t even know if that’s a thing. Basically I’m blinked at and pregnant.

But I have friends with the same and more age gaps who have just had another. That’s what they wanted. What they needed to complete their families.

So that’s two opposite ends of the spectrum, and neither are right or wrong. The only right thing to do, is what you and your family want.

Wishing you all the best success

If you got through the first trimester which of course is risky as you know, your child would NOT be more likely to be disabled just because you were over 40.

I have a child of with a rare chromo disorder. we are under genetics and our geneticist told us that chromo disorders are much more likely in older mothers. We are born with our eggs. Not only out bodies age but the eggs too making chromo issues much more likely. Many of these cannot be screened for in pregnancy.

plus, pregnancies in older mums come in itself with a lot more risk.

many women have healthy pregnancy and healthy children in their 40s but the risks do go to (and in the support groups I attend for mums with disabled children/children with chromo issues) are a lot of mums who had children later in life.

It is incredibly ignorant, downright stupid, to claim that a 40 year old doesn't have an increased risk of a child with disabilities.

@Jojowash and don’t underestimate the whole ‘the don’t need me any more’:-

GCSE’s
A-Levels
University
Girlfriends (we just had the 1st break up 😱)
Getting drunk
Picking them up at 2am when they can’t get a taxi...... with 3 friends (maybe it’s us but we always say call us, I’d rather spend 2 hours picking them and friends up and driving them home, then worrying they aren’t home safe!)
Working part time and giving lifts
Helping them with applications for that first part time job
Helping them source work experience and taking them

The list honestly goes on!!!

Yes and trying to do that through the tiredness and demand of a new baby would not be easy / or toddler.

At age forty you have a 1/100 chance of having a baby with Down Syndrome. So a 99% chance that they won’t.
The risks are exaggerated.

mydc there are many more chromo issues than DS!

and at 42 the risk is 1:55, at 43 it's 1:45 and at 49 it's 1:10.

the risk goes up steeply, not to mention many other chromosome disorders.

I was at the end of my 30s. Had 2 misscarriages and then a dd. Another 2 misscarriages and then dd2. I was ready to give up at that point.

@ibanez0815
mydc there are many more chromo issues than DS!
Really, I never knew that, thanks for informing me!
Or maybe I chose to share the statistics on DS only. As I am sure you are well aware the chances of another chromosome issue are less than 1%.

I had a ds at 36 and then 2 Mc when we started trying again at 40.

I read the book "it starts with the egg" on mners advice and took prenatal supplements and iirc extra folate, and ubiquinol (expensive brand but worth it we felt.)

DH also took Supplements inc ubiquinol on the advice of the book and cut right back on drinking. Recent research has pointed to the father's nutrition having an impact. There has been proven effect on sperm quality; not yet in eggs simply as no one has researched it/ women want to get pregnant and wouldn't want a placebo.

It takes 3 months of this to impact egg and sperm quality.

I did start taking aspirin when I got pregnant and the hospital suggested I do so at around 14 weeks anyway; They weren't sure if it impacts early pregnancy but as my ds1 had been iugr they felt it was wise, despite it not being official hospital policy.

Had number 2 at 41, very healthy happy baby.

I have no idea if the supplements really worked but they didn't hurt.

I will say I'm finding it hard going at this age (now 42.5) but we only had one ds. The age gap is great actually. I know others with a similar age gap to what you might have and it does work well but obviously it needs to be a clear decision.

I did get prenatal testing as so many friends around 40 had unfortunately had to have late terminations and due to my Mc which was clear. But a friend has also had this and she's only 30 following several mcs.

Good luck!

Ds2 is covered in cake and snot and I love him to bits!

As I am sure you are well aware the chances of another chromosome issue are less than 1%.

I would like to see a scientific source for that.

We are under genetics and our genetic consultant informed me otherwise but happy to be corrected!

I think if you really feel you want to then go for it!

I had two boys at 19/22 and then had another two at 30/32!
My husband would love another....!

I had 11 miscarriages. Finally had my son just before my 37th bday and am now 31 weeks preg with number 2, due just before I turn 40. Have plenty of friends who had babies in early 40s - if you want to go for it, you go for it 💖

Yes, a million percent. I was you three years ago - one daughter and two miscarriages. I now have a beautiful 1 1/2 year old. I took ubiquinol and low-dose asprin. No idea if it made a difference but it won't do any harm. Really very best of luck, OP x

Sorry not rtft but I had four miscarriages before my first at 25. So yes would try and try again x

Should add DD2 born when I was 41 1/2

Yes I would. My obgyn put me on COQ10 to help improve egg quality. Had baby at 44

Go for it, but be realistic. I had another baby at 42 - took 3 attempts (the first 2 ended in MCs at about 8 - 10 weeks).

Not with those age gaps. Are you just having a panic because you’re facing the end of your fertile years? No way would I want to start again with a newborn. Not to mention be pregnant - ugh! But I didn’t have easy pregnancies or babies...

Why would you assume your children don't need you any more? They are still young. Do you really want to start from scratch? You will be near sixty still dealing with a teenager.

I did. I had 4 MCs, then DD at 40 then 2 more MCs. I had enough then and we stopped trying.

If you really want it and feel that you could do it over again then yes I’d do it. I wouldn’t limit it by saying just one more go though, I’d reassess if you happen to have another miscarriage and continue as long as you feel you can. Remember it’s ok to say enough and stop as much as it is to carry in though. Good luck.

There is a similar thread every few days on this same thing and this one is surprisingly positive! It must be something lots of women go through maybe hormones in perimenopause../empty nest perhaps.