To want to give it one more go having a baby at 40 after 2 miscarriages?

[Jojowash]

Hi guys,

Really want your opinions on this..

AIBU..

I am 40 and I have two boys 14 and 16.

We decided to try for another baby fell pregnant easily but lost first at 9 weeks and second at 6 weeks.

The trauma is quite horrific going through the miscarriage itself as well as a complete shock and feelings of loss and failure.

But the urge has grown. They told me i basically have a 50/50 chance of mc.

Would you try just one more time?

you have 2 healthy children. why would you want to risk what you have. Chromosome disorders (2 of my friends in their early 40s got pregnant last year and both had a baby with down syndrome - happens a lot more than people think but most women have a termination and don't talk about it) and birth and pregnancy complications are much more likely at your age.

I have a severely disabled child and life is very very different to what I had planned.

Just be grateful for what you have. Having frequent m/c can also be a sign of low egg quality. I would not risk TTC unless you are fully prepared for a child with complex needs.

No not my first, but dc1 was 4 so not far beyond baby years - I just mean I wouldn't want to go from almost-independence back to extreme neediness! But maybe that is what you miss and would be happy to have again? There are lots of treatment options if a cause is identified for the mcs. I had progesterone and steroids in my successful pg.

Yes I took baby aspirin until around twenty eight weeks I think? May have been coincidence but I hadn't taken it for previous pregnancies

I had two miscarriages and then a successful pregnancy at age 39. We casually discussed that should the third one end in miscarriage too then we would stop trying as it would just be too much to go through again. It was my first though, not sure I'd want to be trying for a baby at that age if I already had teenagers unless it was with a different partner who wanted one.

All depends on you, your phsyical health, your finances, the rest of your family, etc.

40 isn't that old but is pretty much last chance saloon - at the risk of stating the obvious, no use deciding not to now but changing your mind in a few years.

@ilovecake77

Bless thank you x

I have 3dc, tried for another and lost the baby at 9 weeks. I decided against trying again as I felt I couldn’t face another miscarriage and I was already so lucky with my 3 lovely dc (I say ‘I’ as dh would have tried again). I think about whether it was the right choice sometimes but overall I feel it was - for me. It was over 5 years ago now. Nobody can tell you what to do op - only you can make this decision. It took me until past the due date of the baby we lost before I fully made up my mind - just take your time.

I know loads of women still having children in their 40's. Yes chromosome issues are more likely because the eggs are older however but that's a risk we all take. I'm 40 this year. Has trouble falling with my first and second and had unsuccessful pregnancy in between but yes I'm going to try again next year. As for the age gap between your other kids do not let that stop you. There's over 20 years between me and one of my siblings we are all close, mum has her at 43 after loss in between. We all coped and we are happy she went on.

Assuming there's no known dodgy gene that makes the stakes much higher, I'd go for it tbh. I had my last at 38 after 9 miscarriages. We had all the tests and nothing showed up, and then suddenly in the middle of all the handwringing along came the viable pregnancy we'd hoped for. Be ready for the fact that you never feel 'done' though. As soon as I'd had that baby, I longed for another but had to accept eventually it was never going to happen.

I felt similar at your age, but four years on I'm glad I didn't. Age seems to creep up faster now and I'm not sure I'd have had the energy to give a late baby the same quality early childhood that their siblings had had. Nor am I sure I would have been able to cope with complex needs at an older age. The feeling passed and I'm through it now, glad of my choice.

What you mentioned about your boys 'not needing mum anymore' I have two boys also, eldest is 14 and we just had the 'helping with GCSEs' talk from school...I feel yes they do still need support in teen years even if it isn't the same physical nurturing they do when little (which seems to be the thing you are missing).

I mean i feel the same at times but many things mean we will be stopping at two, in particular I feel i am enjoying getting some time back to myself, independence and freedom from school runs, and also financially, (we have two trust funds for our teens and will hope to finance them through uni) - would not be possible with a new baby.

yes I would. I was 39 and had 2 miscarriages before my son

I'm 39 (and a half...) and having a healthy pregnancy so far. I don't feel especially old at all to be honest, I had my other children at 35 and 36 and am physically quite fit though so that might be why.

In your shoes I wouldn't want a baby with teens, but you obviously do so I would try again. I think a pp has it right though, decide how many more miscarriages you could cope with first. If it's none, then don't do it. My SIL has multiple miscarriages and said she could probably cope with two more, at the time I thought it was a funny way of looking at it but now I think she was being realistic.

Quite a few women on the TTC forum take ubiquinol/Q10 and it supposedly helps egg quality.

(Both names are the same thing but ubiquinol is already in the firm that the body turns q10 into; I believe. I did read something saying there's no real difference in the two and you could theoretically take and get any effect from Q10 just as well.

Obviously you need to be on folic acid and no harm in a multivitamin esp including zinc, selenium, iron etc.

If you want it go for it. I wish you well.
Stuff the scare stories. I was told all sorts years ago and took medication that is now banned during pregnancy.
Back then they knew less which was no bad thing .

Exactly the same happened to us. Got pregnant really quickly at 42 yo, lost first at 12 weeks and second at 7 weeks. DH didn't want to try again as he felt we'd been through enough and while we were arguing debating it I found I was pregnant.

The due date of this one was almost a year to the day of the EDD of the first of the miscarried pregnancies. She arrived safely and is now at secondary school

I will say though that the pregnancy itself was a trial. Spent the first trimester terrified about miscarrying, had amnio, more worry, then at the last minute the baby was breech and ended up having to be turned - failed - and a CS.

i wonder to if it's a panic that I soon really won't be able too. They are growing older and do their own thing, don't need mum anymore. I miss the the craziness of it all, the nurturing.

This.

Hi JoJo, i remember you from the 40+ ttc thread. I feel the same as you..i am craving the nurturing and as DS grows up it gets harder as i feel he needs me less. He's also going through a rebellious phase and is like a 6 year old teen! Realistically i know a newborn would be a crazy idea. I'm 47. I have to deal with the fact DS will be an only. Thankfully he doesn't seem bothered atm! Even worse is the sense of almost loss of that precious time i'll never get to have again.
So, JoJo, i'd say go for it ! I had 2 mcs before DS who was born when i was nearly 41. Good luck x

I'll likely get flamed for this, but since you asked... no, I wouldn't. I really feel for what you've been through, and I understand the hormonal urges going on, but the world needs fewer babies, not more. Besides, your sons will need you just as much now, as when they were babies - just in a different way. Aren't they going to feel pushed out right as they're becoming adults in their own right; GCSEs on one hand and higher education on the other?

I know it's easy for me to say (especially as I can't have kids at all so perhaps this is jealousy talking?!) but I really think you should be happy with what you have.

I had 3 mc’s prior to having my 3rd at 39

I agonised over trying again and DH and I agreed one more go which thankfully worked despite many set backs!

You will know when it’s time to stop I think

I have a sister with two teens and I have two four and under. There is no way in hell I would mix them. Trying to cater to two totally different set of needs, and realistically the baby will have to come first, and that will be at the expense of your teens.

These are hugely important years for your teens, I would be very cautious about adding in such a substantial additional strain on family resources and time.

I’d go for it if I were you and I’d started my family in my late 30s so still had young children, but if I already had older children like you do I probably wouldn’t as I think the whole benefit of having children when you are young is that you have time back to yourself in your 40s and vice versa for having children when you are older. However if you do decide to go for it, I agree with the pp who said don’t put yourself under pressure with saying you’ll only try one more time, maybe put more of a time frame on it.

I had DC1 at nearly 42 and DC2 will be born when I'm 44.5 (soon). I always urge older would-be mothers to go for it but in your case I'm not sure. For me one of the biggest pluses of older parenting is that I had my 20s and 30s free to travel, generally focus on myself and enjoy life. You're considering doing almost two consecutive runs of 0-18 years. That's nearly 38 years of intensive parenting- I love parenting but that would be too much for me in the wider picture of your entire life. Maybe if they were 10 and 12 it'd be different. Also, your sons still need you very much so maybe focus on that, and any other life goals you have?

Sorry 36 years!! But still....it's a lot!

As for the disabilities point, I get really irritated to read this all the time- posted by younger mothers I assume. If you got through the first trimester which of course is risky as you know, your child would NOT be more likely to be disabled just because you were over 40.

No I wouldn't.
Why go through the weaning and nappies and sleepless night again?