Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For being gutted

78 replies

Freakedrt · 17/10/2019 15:48

My sibling has had a problem with one of her kids it’s hard for her to manage .

She has another who is fine .

She had kids young .. in her twenties , I’m having them a bit later .. mid 30s.

She has never gotten over what’s happened to her child and wanted more , but she hasn’t had any more kids ( her OH doesn’t want more ) She told me she finds it hard seeing other people have babies .

I’m expecting my fourth , AIBU to feel gutted that every time I give birth , she goes on holiday roughly around that time and gets a bit distant .

She has so much going for herself , has a fabulous life (that I don’t have ) in many other ways .

OP posts:
Strangerthingshere · 17/10/2019 15:53

I think you need to be a bit more sympathetic. She is obviously struggling with what has happened with her child and has admitted to you she struggles with babies. Does she spend time with them afterwards and have a relationship with them?

Original poster
Freakedrt · 17/10/2019 15:59

Yes she does . I’m just sad that she has so many wonderful aspects of her life ( amazing things that I know I will never have ) and is very successful , and that despite all that , she cannot be more happy for the one good thing that has happened to me ( in terms of the kids ).

I have never felt resentful of her or her life , always been there for her kids who are very close to me .

OP posts:
theendoftheendoftheend · 17/10/2019 16:01

she goes on holiday roughly around that time and gets a bit distant.

Sounds like it's a temporary thing whilst she deals with her grief, so personally I think you should let it go.

Strangerthingshere · 17/10/2019 16:14

I think children can be such a strong built in feeling for some people that it can dwarf all over the other positive things she has going on. If she had a relationship with them afterwards then I would just look at it as her way of coping, and let it go

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 17/10/2019 16:24

This is going to sound harsh but I think you're being a bit selfish and entitled if I'm honest?

You popping out a 4th child obviously isn't anything new so why does she need to be there and congratulate you on your fertility and ability to produce perfect healthy children?

She's grieving a loss of a family she's perhaps always imagined so let her be

cochineal7 · 17/10/2019 16:26

Your sister is being kind to herself by distancing herself from what clearly is a painful experience for her, without even saying anything nasty to you and you make this about you? YABU.

Josette77 · 17/10/2019 16:39

You are being very selfish.

MillfredTheGreat · 17/10/2019 16:39

YABU, and unempathetic and narcissistic actually.

swingofthings · 17/10/2019 16:41

So assuming she has more money than you, should she expects you to be there to see her brand new fancy car when she brings it home knowing that could never afford it? That would be selfish wouldn't it, even though you should count yourself lucky to have 4 kids.

Itsallpetetong · 17/10/2019 16:43

has a fabulous life (that I don’t have ) in many other ways

But would rather have another child. Your sister is distancing herself because it is incredibly painful for her. She is happy for you but that doesn’t get rid of her pain and sadness.

heartsonacake · 17/10/2019 16:46

YABVU and very selfish.

All your doing is having another kid, she doesn’t need to be around for that.

Didntwanttochangemyname · 17/10/2019 16:50

Honestly, how invested in the event of your 4th child being born does your sister need to be? It doesn't directly affect her or her life, other than it hurts her as it reminds her of a difficult time and something she can't have.
I think she is wise to distance herself, and you should just concentrate on your stuff and leave her to it.

Original poster
Freakedrt · 17/10/2019 16:55

Clearly most of you don’t have close family relationships With siblings like I do .

When a sibling disappears on you when you have such an important event in your life , there’s a void that no one can fill .

Someone that you have shared things with your whole life .

OP posts:
heartsonacake · 17/10/2019 16:58

While having a child is important to you and your partner, it’s not important to anyone else. Women have been giving birth every day for thousands of years, it’s not a big deal.

Which is exactly why your sister finds it so hurtful and distances herself from you, because something most people can do she can’t.

ActualHornist · 17/10/2019 17:00

Wow...you have no empathy for the fact she might find it hard to see you producing perfect children, when she both wanted more and also has a 'challenging' one?

I'm close to my sister, but she's suffered losses and I haven't. Not that I'm planning on anymore kids, but if I was, I'd cut her some slack on being around the second I gave birth.

Applesanbananas · 17/10/2019 17:00

Yabu. she is doing what she needs to cope. You Obviously are clueless and ignorant to what it is like. And no amount of other 'nice stuff' makes up for the pain you go through. You are on your 4th , I think the novelty would have worn off now for most people.

SallyLovesCheese · 17/10/2019 17:00

She explained to you she finds other people's babies hard and yet you still find it unreasonable that she goes on holiday while you're having another? It's a coping strategy, she's doing what she has to do to cope

Original poster
Freakedrt · 17/10/2019 17:01

Nothing narcissistic about wanting your sister around when you give birth .

And whoever was talking about’ popping healthy babies ‘ you are bang out of order .

No one knows whether their child is healthy when they carry them , and no one knows who’s child will developed a health problem after they are born.

Bitchy comments at pregnant women ! Nice .

OP posts:
Baguetteaboutit · 17/10/2019 17:02

FFS, toughen up.

Original poster
Freakedrt · 17/10/2019 17:02

No I don’t find it unreasonable that she goes on holiday . The AIBU is about being upset about it and not being able to share that early joy fully with a sibling , who is close to me in every other way .

OP posts:
Howyiz · 17/10/2019 17:04

So you expect her to put aside her own needs to support you but don't see the need to support your sister in the same way? Alright then! Hmm

MillfredTheGreat · 17/10/2019 17:04

Yes but you are only considering it from your angle. I’m sure she is happy for you, but can you really not appreciate that this particular event in your life is really hard for her to deal with?

One of children died at birth, the other has a life threatening medical condition. I am not able to have any more children. I have an otherwise wonderful life, and I would give it all up in a heartbeat to have my daughter back, have my other child be healthy and to be able to have another baby. Seeing people like you shooting out kid after kid like a tennis ball launcher is extremely painful for me. I imagine your sister feels the same. Yes it’s a shame and I’m sure she is happy for you but needs to deal with her grief in her own way.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/10/2019 17:04

When a sibling disappears on you when you have such an important event in your life , there’s a void that no one can fill .

Like the void left by the babies someone can’t have but would give anything for? That sort of void?

Being pregnant doesn’t mean you’re not being bitchy yourself. Be grateful for your good fortune and grow a bit of empathy for those not as lucky.

Original poster
Freakedrt · 17/10/2019 17:05

As it happens I also have a child with a serious health problem ! But that is besides the point .

OP posts:
Original poster
Freakedrt · 17/10/2019 17:06

If some people do not have children out of choice , and not because they can’t have them , then I am not completely sure why they are upset with people who do ?

OP posts: