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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For being gutted

78 replies

Freakedrt · 17/10/2019 15:48

My sibling has had a problem with one of her kids it’s hard for her to manage .

She has another who is fine .

She had kids young .. in her twenties , I’m having them a bit later .. mid 30s.

She has never gotten over what’s happened to her child and wanted more , but she hasn’t had any more kids ( her OH doesn’t want more ) She told me she finds it hard seeing other people have babies .

I’m expecting my fourth , AIBU to feel gutted that every time I give birth , she goes on holiday roughly around that time and gets a bit distant .

She has so much going for herself , has a fabulous life (that I don’t have ) in many other ways .

OP posts:
heartsonacake · 17/10/2019 17:08

who is close to me in every other way .

With such a nasty, selfish attitude I can see exactly why she distances herself from you. You may consider her a close family member but she won’t consider you one when you can’t even empathise with her.

Original poster
Freakedrt · 17/10/2019 17:09

Lol 😂. And you lot are a lovely !

OP posts:
Applesanbananas · 17/10/2019 17:09

And being pregnant does not give you a pass to be a bitch either. she has told you she finds it difficult. does your brain not comprehend that its probably the most difficult thing for her. FFs it is your 4th, novelty is over

Bluetrews25 · 17/10/2019 17:11

Giving birth is not just about your feelings, OP, with the greatest respect. It is also about her feelings as it is a massive reminder of 'look what you could have won!' and, oh yeah, your sister's got it.
I get that you want to share this big event with her. She is doing VERY well to be with you throughout the pregnancy and in the following years. This is the only bit that she finds too painful to watch. Please don't be resentful of her looking the other way for a very brief period.

MillfredTheGreat · 17/10/2019 17:11

Every single one of your posts is all about you, you, you. Not one compassionate word about your sister. You said her husband doesn’t want more, maybe she desperately did. Whatever the reason, she has said she struggles with babies and you clearly don’t give a shit.

pikapikachu · 17/10/2019 17:11

Yabu.
If you love her then you'd be more understanding that your great moment is hard for her to deal with. She has very right to want to avoid an event that she knows will make her feel unhappy.

As for the comments about presumably her financial position, most people wouldn't swap healthy kids for money. Yabu to think that she should suck up the pain.

Original poster
Freakedrt · 17/10/2019 17:12

Might be for you . Speak for yourself . I suppose most of you here don’t have four children . I think that’s what the real issue is here . The ones coming out with the nasty comments .

OP posts:
Original poster
Freakedrt · 17/10/2019 17:15

I think I would’ve been happy for a sibling regardless . I’ve been happy for her whatever good comes her way , and i suppose it’s sad that she’s not around to share that happiness each time .

But I think a lot of posters here have dysfunctional relationships with familia so probably would’nt understand .

So I’m going to ignore the bitchy comments and stop responding .

Thanks for your opinions to those who haven’t been rude .

OP posts:
Baguetteaboutit · 17/10/2019 17:15

I have three children, would a fourth make this make sense?

kitk · 17/10/2019 17:20

My SIL is like you. Can't understand why we won't all drop everything to go see her as soon as she has another baby. In the time I've been TTC she's had 2. It hurts. I'm happy to have a new niece/nephew but that doesn't mean I'm not jealous and crushed and need some time to deal with it. You need to have some more empathy for her. This isn't about you or your babies. It doesn't sound like you're trying to see it from her angle to be honest

EmmiJay · 17/10/2019 17:24

Whoa. Op is getting it in the neck here. I can kind of see this from her point of view. My sisters and I are very close. We were all at each others birth for all our babies (I was actually in the room for one of them). However, if your sister needs to go away to deal with her pain its not such a bad thing. She obviously needs that distance for herself and cares enough not to want to ruin your birth. Have you asked her to be with you at all? If she flat out says no then at least you have a platform to discuss if its allowed.

adaline · 17/10/2019 17:26

I suppose most of you here don’t have four children . I think that’s what the real issue is here . The ones coming out with the nasty comments

You're the only nasty one here.

Get a grip of yourself.

Zaphodsotherhead · 17/10/2019 17:33

I've got five and I still think you are being unreasonable.

Look at it this way, if you won the lottery tomorrow, you could have a lot of the material things that she currently has.

Presumably winning the lottery wouldn't mean your DSis suddenly got over what happened with her DC.

So, maybe try to think of it like that.

heartsonacake · 17/10/2019 17:33

You can’t know how you would react in her situation because you’ve never been in her situation, and you can’t even put yourself in her shoes to empathise with her.

You are ignoring everyone telling you YABU because you are attempting to deflect from the hard fact that you are acting so very selfishly and self absorbed.

You had sex at least four times. Congratulations.

AllFourOfThem · 17/10/2019 17:45

When a sibling disappears on you when you have such an important event in your life , there’s a void that no one can fill

I appreciate you aren’t taking on board any comments that are negative towards you OP, but everything you post is all about you, you, you and how you feel, what you want and how you are jealous of what your sibling has. There is no empathy or understanding towards them even if you have written a few cold sounding words to try and imply so.

YABU.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 17/10/2019 17:47

You find it hard not having her there.

She finds it hard being there.

Why do your feelings trump hers?

Strangerthingshere · 17/10/2019 17:49

Ffs, what is the actual point of coming on AIBU to go in a huff and argue with everyone when they don't agree with you.

Stop being so condescending, you have no idea how many children people have, and you are being exceptionally rude implying others have "dysfunctional" families and therefore can't possibly comprehend your situation

Thecurtainsofdestiny · 17/10/2019 17:50

I understand the OP differently...aren't you saying that you are gutted FOR your sister...because she is grieving/ unhappy?

It's hard to see a sibling suffer.

FrenchJunebug · 17/10/2019 17:59

OP it's an important moment in YOUR life but for your sibbling it's a reminder of the children she doesn't have. You are being quite mean and unreasonablee.

Beveren · 17/10/2019 18:04

When a sibling disappears on you when you have such an important event in your life , there’s a void that no one can fill

And when a sibling is able to have children where you can't, that's a rather more serious problem when you are entitled to put yourself first at least some of the time.

Witchend · 17/10/2019 18:21

When a sibling disappears on you when you have such an important event in your life , there’s a void that no one can fill .

I agree. I think your dsis agrees. You're doing that to her. Rubbing her nose in it. How much support have you given her with her children and mourning not being able to have more?

I remember a friend undergoing cancer treatment. She'd finished her family before she knew she had cancer. When she was told she would not be able to have any more she cried. She felt no one really understood what a loss she felt. She felt lucky. She had 2 beautiful children and had always said that was her lot. But she still felt the grief that she couldn't have more, but she found it very hard to say because people would just turn round and say "well you've at least got 2, I know someone who can't have any". She still needed that time to mourn what might have been.

Bluetrews25 · 17/10/2019 18:26

The only time I would want my lovely DSis in the labour suite is if I was being her surrogate.

BloggersBlog · 17/10/2019 18:33

YANBU to be gutted. I would feel the same if my sister chose not to be there, even though I would understand her reasons.

But she is NBU either. If she feels she cant be there in the way you want her to be then for both your sakes she is doing the right thing. She obviously doesnt want to put a dampener on your new baby

Purpleartichoke · 17/10/2019 18:39

She can be happy for you and also sad for herself simultaneously. Taking a little distance is the right thing for her to do in that situation.

KindnessCrusader · 17/10/2019 18:46

Seeing people like you shooting out kid after kid like a tennis ball launcher is extremely painful for me.

I have started typing so many times and still can't really put into words how this made me feel Shock