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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For being gutted

78 replies

Freakedrt · 17/10/2019 15:48

My sibling has had a problem with one of her kids it’s hard for her to manage .

She has another who is fine .

She had kids young .. in her twenties , I’m having them a bit later .. mid 30s.

She has never gotten over what’s happened to her child and wanted more , but she hasn’t had any more kids ( her OH doesn’t want more ) She told me she finds it hard seeing other people have babies .

I’m expecting my fourth , AIBU to feel gutted that every time I give birth , she goes on holiday roughly around that time and gets a bit distant .

She has so much going for herself , has a fabulous life (that I don’t have ) in many other ways .

OP posts:
Bouffalant · 17/10/2019 18:49

I was ready to be a bit sympathetic, but then I read your responses, and you don't seem capable of seeing things from anyone else's point of view.

LemonPrism · 17/10/2019 19:00

You both have needs and wants, but you have to get over it OP. There's no fix here. Feel sad, that's your right, but she is coping in her own way. I imagine if she stuck around she'd be miserable and ruin the early time. She can't magic herself better.

ChristmasFluff · 17/10/2019 19:05

I really thought this was a reverse.

Sadly, it appears it isn't, but I'm still holding out hope

boredboredboredboredbored · 17/10/2019 19:07

Op: AIBU?

Posters : YABU

Op : I'm clearly not!

Hmm
ActualHornist · 17/10/2019 19:11

Ok, YANBU to want her there.

YABVU to have no empathy for why she doesn’t want to be there. YABVU to post this: She has never gotten over what’s happened to her child and wanted more , but she hasn’t had any more kids ( her OH doesn’t want more ) She told me she finds it hard seeing other people have babies but be completely unable to see anything from her point of view.

I hope you’re a troll. No one can be this obtuse surely?!

Chloemol · 17/10/2019 19:18

I Suggest you re read these posts when you have calmed down. I suggest you also try and put yourself in your sisters shoes. She wants more children but can’t have them for whatever reason,you, her sister knows this, pops out four, and expects your sister there when you do it despite the fact that your sister is likely to be upset

It’s your sisters way of coping, no doubt she’s good with you the rest of the time, it’s just as you pop them out she can’t face what’s happening

She may have what appears to you is a fabulous life, but I bet she would give it up in a moment to have another child

You say you are close, but you can’t be that close if you cant give her space over something that so obviously devastates her and allows her time to compose herself

And what’s the point of posting if you don’t like what people are saying?

StillCoughingandLaughing · 17/10/2019 19:26

I read your first posts and thought, while you were unreasonable, you were mainly misguided. Then with every response you convinced me, and I imagine others, that you were just selfish.

You apparently see no irony in stating ‘Clearly most of you don’t have close family relationships With siblings like I do. When a sibling disappears on you when you have such an important event in your life , there’s a void that no one can fill. Someone that you have shared things with your whole life’.

Your sister DID share something very important with you - the fact that she finds it incredibly hard to be around babies. She probably thought this exceptional closeness of which you’re so proud would stretch to a little understanding and compassion. All you can manage is ‘But what about meeeeeee?!’

Your responses to any criticism read like an AIBU parody. It’s not YOUR fault; posters obviously don’t understand. They’re being bitchy when you’re helpless and pregnant. They’re judging you for having lots of children. You’ve tried both the ‘Why is everyone so mean?’ angle and the ‘Like you’re all so perfect’ line; neither of which got you anywhere. So you went nuclear and announced you would be leaving the thread. (Funny how people like you never just DO it.)

You can blame your sister for not burying her pain to be there when you give birth. You can blame posters here for being bitches, for lacking understanding of what it means to be a sibling (which is apparently a one way street). But the one person to blame is looking at you from the mirror.

thisisthend · 17/10/2019 19:42

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steff13 · 17/10/2019 19:44

I suppose most of you here don’t have four children . I think that’s what the real issue is here.

I have three kids. I could have had four, if I had wanted four. I'm not sure why that is the deciding factor as to whether I would think you're being unreasonable (I do, btw).

thisisthend · 17/10/2019 19:44

Also she has a right to go on holiday when she chooses.

ElizaDee · 17/10/2019 19:46

she has so many wonderful aspects of her life ( amazing things that I know I will never have ) and is very successful , and that despite all that , she cannot be more happy for the one good thing that has happened to me ( in terms of the kids ).

Fuck me. This place never ceases to amaze me.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 17/10/2019 19:54

Share your joy with others, who don’t find it painful to be around. Your feelings don’t trump your sister’s need to have some space. Have some understanding, for heaven’s sake.

mclover · 17/10/2019 20:07

Unless you have been through it, nothing is worse than when you can't have a baby. It's such a strange, awful set of emotions that make you behave totally out of your control, so strong is the feeling. I can't really describe it, but your sisters sorrow outweighs your good news I'm afraid

MiddleClassProblem · 17/10/2019 20:13

It doesn’t mean she’s not happy for you! Her longing and sadness and her joy for you are not mutually exclusive!

It’s just that period she’s struggling with not MIA forever...

JasonPollack · 17/10/2019 20:17

YABU but I don't know why you've asked since you won't be told. You should have some empathy for your sister.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 17/10/2019 20:22

Do people really expect siblings around for the birth of babies? First in the family maybe but really a pregnancy is only exciting for the couple. No one else really cares that much do they?

heartsonacake · 17/10/2019 20:24

she cannot be more happy for the one good thing that has happened to me ( in terms of the kids ).

Also, if having sex and producing offspring is the one good thing that has happened to you, you need to focus on turning your own life around so you aren’t just someone’s mum.

You should be able to reel off your own accomplishments and achievements and if you can’t you need to do something about that and go out there and get some.

You are the only one holding you back.

ImJustTiredOk · 17/10/2019 20:57

Wow. Just wow. I know someone just like you........her sister (A) has withdrawn completely from their relationship as B cannot understand that as much as A loves her nieces, A finds it very difficult to cope around children when her own died at birth.

I hope you’re not the same person. Because to have so little empathy for someone when you are doing something they will never have and can never be bought (assuming you’re referring to money) is incredibly selfish.

Ginger1982 · 17/10/2019 21:53

I'm not understanding. Did she lose a child or does she have two children, one who has serious health issues?

YABU to not be empathetic to her situation.

Mydogmylife · 17/10/2019 21:58

And here comes the drip.

Your sister has TOLD you she finds it hard, removes herself from the situation, and still you don't get it.
I'm sorry , you are being unreasonable

Queenofeverything44 · 18/10/2019 12:12

I've had four children, my third died aged 2 1/2 yrs. She was born very poorly. She would have been 13 this year. My younger siblings all have had children after me. I am so pleased for them that their children are healthy and I absolutely love being an aunty that all said, I still go home and cry when I see them doing things my dd should have been doing. I do distance myself a bit and my loving close family all understand how hard I find it. They are supportive and so kind. She is spoken about to the other cousins, her birthday is always remembered. When it comes to her angel anniversary my family give me space, they send me texts of support but appreciate I don't want phone calls or visits. I am so grateful for them all. They also know that going to visit new baby in hospital triggers my ptsd (dd was in nicu for 5 and half months and I would often walk in to find the staff bagging her, I can still hear them saying come on sweetheart come back to us) my family know that I celebrate every new life in our family but sometimes I just can't physically be there. Not once have I ever been moaned at for not being there or supportive or has it been suggested.
OP I think you just need to sit look at your baby and try really hard to imagine how your sister feels. I think commenters are really struggling to find any empathy in your comments for your sister. In her eyes, in that moment, you are the lucky one. Please don't be petulant because you want her there and you think it's your right to.

Queenofeverything44 · 18/10/2019 12:29

Also I think you are confusing materialisim with happiness. You can have all the "nice stuff" in the world and still be sad ☹️

AryaStarkWolf · 18/10/2019 12:32

I have close siblings and yes I think YABU and not very understanding

Mephisto · 18/10/2019 12:40

But I think a lot of posters here have dysfunctional relationships with familia so probably would’nt understand.

Confused Maybe it’s just you? We are four sisters, but my sister’s secondary infertility never stopped her from being close to all her sisters around their children’s birth.

It does sound like you’re smug that there’s one thing you have that she can’t have.

Weedinosaurus · 18/10/2019 12:46

OP, you have lots of sensible posts on here that aren’t nasty but you’re still choosing to ignore.

Honestly, a little more empathy here is needed. Be happy with your baby and enjoy YOUR special time. Let your sister deal with it how she has to. Self preservation is important and she does not have to put here needs before your wants.