AiBU to worry about my daughter?

[ineedaholiday2]

My daughter (11) goes to an all-girls school. Today she heard rumours from other girls that her form tutor is a pedophile. I asked her what evidence, if any, there was and she said the others girls hadn't say. Now I know this might be a malicious rumour, but I can't stop worrying. What if it's true? AIBU? What would you do in my place?

Problem is, kids just repeat this crap without thinking. It was all a joke to us.

No that really isn't the problem. people like to say kids do this (loads of them on this thread) but do they? The problem is that many kids say things about teachers etc and aren't believed. Maybe the first kid who said this about your science teacher was reporting an actual assault - but wasn't believed (and reading this thread I can imagine someone in 2019 wouldn't be believed either - I am actually shocked)

Do you ever think that maybe that science teacher WAS an abuser??

Whilst I agree with other posters I would be careful how you handle it. Explain the reasons why it isn’t true.
However be positive about the fact that she told you as if you dismiss it out of hand, god forbid but if anything did happen she may think you wouldn’t believe her.

this thread - which is actually really depressing - shows how women's voices repeating actual lived experiences are rated far below men's reputations. Even today. awful

Explain the reasons why it isn’t true.

could YOU explain the reasons it isn't true? Why isn't it true?

Something like that happened at my school. To the only brown teacher who was friendly/wasn't super strict and horrible. Believed it when I first started but at 13 I had him as a teacher and realised he was a lovely teacher (despite all the shit he must of got from the kids) and was 100% platonic, baring in mind the entire class was looking for signs, everyone realised quickly it was bullshit once they had him as a teacher. I suspect it was racially induced. No evidence, all other teachers would've known the rumours because it wasn't discreet, but recognised it for what it was, rumours. The 11/12 year olds would literally button their polos to the top making snide remarks to each other whilst he was walking past in the hallway.

Oh and I'm pretty sure the rumours started in my year. Probably from a racist child or parent.

This happened at my school.
Turned out he was rather fond of school girls as he was found to be in a 'relationship' with a 6th former that begin when she was 15 and subsequently fired.
He was very young and not bad looking so I guess he used that to his advantage.
I remember watching him smack my year 8 class mate on the arse as she cleaned the board. No one said anything to the head. His name began with a P so we just nicknamed him 'Pervy Pxxxx'.
Ask her why the girls think this but bare in mind its most likely to be a vicious rumour. If you're very worried you could speak to the head of year but do it sensitively and without accusation.

A teacher at my school years ago was driven to suicide after his life and career were ruined by a clique of vindictive evil teenagers who started this sort of thing and wouldn’t let up. Is that what you’d like to see happen? Even in the incredibly unlikely case that this teacher has some hidden tendencies in that direction, your daughter is never alone with him (nor is any other child). Schools don’t let that happen any more. If you entertain this any further you’re playing a very dangerous game. Try, just try, to be a decent human being.

There is a difference between not believing some one making a specific allegation and not believing rumour and gossip.

Did anyone go to school and not have a teacher who was rumoured to be a paedophile? It's just a mark if how nasty and gossipy some teens can be. Tell your DD to stay out of it

Exactly kitk. Male teachers at my girls school were a rarity and subject to all sorts of rumours - gay, paedophile, fancied/not fancied, having affairs. Funnily they often moved on. Teen girls are just plain nasty.

this thread - which is actually really depressing - shows how women's voices repeating actual lived experiences are rated far below men's reputations. Even today. awful

But this is NOT an ‘actual lived experience’. This is a girl repeating a rumour that Mr X is a paedophile. Not ‘Mr X behaved in a way that made me feel uncomfortable’. Not ‘Mr X always seems to want to see one particular girl after class on her own - is that wrong?’ Not ‘I’ve seen something I’m worried about’. There isn’t any evidence here; there isn’t even an accusation.

Goodness knows how many women could come forward on this thread and say it happened to them or someone they know. But it doesn’t matter if a hundred, a thousand or a million women can say ‘This definitely happened to me’ - it makes not one iota of difference to the specific situation here. There is no alleged victim, there is no evidence, there is no specific accusation. All there is is a rumour.

No that really isn't the problem. people like to say kids do this (loads of them on this thread) but do they?

Yes, they do.

I worked with a teacher about whom there were a lot of rumours. Everyone said he was nicer to the girls, said inappropriate things, gave gifts to certain girls. I then met someone who had worked with him at a previous school and said he did the same thing there. He’d just been quietly moved on from school to school, with the problem never addressed. As it happens, he wasn’t a very good teacher, and fortunately I believe he’s now left the profession.

I also worked with someone who married a former student and then cheated on her with a sixth former, and someone who has been barred from teaching due to inappropriate communication with a student.

I’m not saying that any of these scenarios are likely in the OP’s case, but they do happen. The best thing to do is avoid rumours and gossip, but promptly raise any genuine concerns.

Similar rumours were at my dd school.

No proof, lots of gossip.

The man couldn't do anything.

There is no coming back from this.

Destroyed his career and he took his life.

BTW I am a CSA survivor and have no sympathy for abusers but have even less for gossipy, nasty people.

Every rumour spread knocks the believability and deters true victim from reporting.

I completely disagree with posters who are saying to discuss it with the Headmistress - I would not mention it to anyone. I would talk to your daughter about spreading dangerous rumours, and leave it there. If you start asking questions, then you are just spreading the rumour further. Rumours like this can destroy lives.

No that really isn't the problem. people like to say kids do this (loads of them on this thread) but do they?

We had so many rumours about teachers when I was at school Who was gay, which teachers were having an affair, which teachers were 'creepy'. All bollocks.

If a child has said “mr Jones did X” then it’d be a whole different ball game or “Emma said Mr Smith looks up skirts” then again, totally different. A blanket “he’s a paedo” is just nothing. You cannot do anything as it’s just a word, no info, no description of feelings or behaviour.

Say nothing to other parents. Go to safeguarding officer or the headteacher. If the teacher is a problem, the member of staff with responsibility for safeguarding needs to know. If the teacher is not a problem and the children are spreading malicious gossip, they has a responsibility to put stop to it. Duty of care to workforce. Though I've known leadership teams who completely disregard that.

Pupils do make up malicious lies, if they think they can get away with it.

When I was at school, a bunch of my classmates claimed that our French teacher was touching them inappropriately in class when checking their work. I was in the same lessons. I sat next to one of the girls who was spreading the gossip. It never happened. Over a period of days I watched every time he approached someone's desk. He did nothing. Yet after each of those lessons those girls said he had. And their numbers grew. And girls outside of our class were joining in after a while.

I was appalled. But I was a very quiet, introverted girl, and I didn't know what to do. I did say to them that I'd never seen him do anything, but of course I was the quiet class nerd and they just brushed me off. And to my shame, I never approached an adult about it. He left at the end of the year. He had a wife and small child. I really hope that their accusations had nothing to do with why he left.

Schools, background checks and contact roles have changed enormously since most MNers were at school. The chances of the teacher in the OP being a danger are extremely slim, compared to the chances of young teens gossiping and making things up.
Obviously if any individual reports an actual experience, that's different. But if my daughter came home with unspecified gossip like this, I'd be warning her about the dangers of gossip.

If there was any evidence of this, do you really think they would let him continue to be employed as a teacher? If the answer is yes, you have bigger problems.

Tell your daughter not to gossip- this is a cruel rumour that can ruin lives. And that if any teacher does behave inappropriately (unlikely), she should remove herself from their company and speak to you or another teacher.

A friend lost his job because of an accusation like this. The girl just didn't like him and the grades he was giving her. No evidence was ever found despite a full police investigation, but once an accusation is made it sticks. He now works in a supermarket because he can't get a reference from the school that dismissed him. They have washed their hands of him.
I'm not saying that what the girls are saying is untrue. But without evidence then it is highly likely to just be a rumour.

I'm a teacher (although not currently working in the profession).

I've heard my fair share of paedophile/lesbian/other scare stories about various teachers in every single school I've worked in. There are hundreds of these completely without foundation.

However, I've also worked with three teachers who have later been found guilty of sexual offences.

None of them were the ones the rumours were about. None of them were suspected by fellow staff members until late on. One wasn't suspected at all and it was only when the police turned up that it was discovered. All of them had passed CRB/DBS checks.

If I were you, OP, I would ask your dd for details of this accusation. If it amounts to vague rumours and gossip, I would talk to her about the very grave consequences of accusing someone of a serious crime with no factual basis, and tell her to encourage whoever told her about it to go to the head/HoY/child protection officer/other appropriate member of staff with her concerns rather than spreading stories. If she can give you details and they sound believable, then by all means take her to see the appropriate person in school (not the person accused) and pass on your concerns. Don't overreact, because the chances of this being true are very very slim, but do let her know that you take this seriously and will act if necessary.

I have just joined mumsnet specifically to reply to this thread.
I have just retired from my job as a school business manager. The chances of there being ANY truth in this is miniscule.
There are a HUGE number of checks that teachers undergo before they are employed. They have CRB checks plus checks against 2 other lists which alert us to issues or disqualifications; they have to have a FULL and complete work history with NO gaps since they left college. We HAVE to have 2 recent verifiable references. It is compulsory to include safeguarding and child protection questions in interviews - the interviewers have to have completed safeguarding training. Before a member of teaching staff even stepped into the classroom for the first time I would have a file of paper in excess of 1cm thick on them.
Unless this teacher has been there for 10+ years, it is extremely unlikely they could have blagged their way in!

I suggest you wait until parents evening and take a look at him. I would bet he’s either really good looking and strict, or different in someway to the other teachers (maybe disabled / gay / different race etc). Those tend to be the main reasons why kids call teachers pedos