AiBU to worry about my daughter?

[ineedaholiday2]

My daughter (11) goes to an all-girls school. Today she heard rumours from other girls that her form tutor is a pedophile. I asked her what evidence, if any, there was and she said the others girls hadn't say. Now I know this might be a malicious rumour, but I can't stop worrying. What if it's true? AIBU? What would you do in my place?

What would you do in my place?

Go and have a cup of tea.

Seriously.

My female pe teacher at school was a lesbian who liked ‘girls’..., in real life she was married with a child. I’m sure the teacher checks would flag any issues... including serious sexual flags!

So based on what you’re child has told you, the school have employed a pedophile and have told the pupils he teaches? This is disgusting. Rumours like this destroy lives. You should be ashamed you haven’t shut this down IMMEDIATELY and warned you’re child about the fall out from such malicious gossip. Outrageous.

At every school I've been too at least one teacher has been subject to rumours like this and it's always been just malicious gossip. The same as nearly every unmarried female teacher was gossiped to be a lesbian. You need to talk to your daughter and help her understand that such allegations can ruin someone's life.

Shit like this ruins lives. If it was at all true he wouldn't be in the job, or would be suspended whilst investigations are made. Sadly it seems to be a common rumour made up about teachers teaching that age group. The children have no concept of the damage they can do by spreading these baseless rumours.

So he managed to pass all the checks needed and is a secret paedophile?

This is a good lesson from your daughter that some rumours are just very, very silly

What would you do in my place?

I would speak to the headteacher & say what I’d heard in the hope that someone could talk to the girls spreading the rumour & find out if there’s anything going on (maybe not even the teacher but it could be something at home for one of them)

So he managed to pass all the checks needed and is a secret paedophile?

Some teachers do though. That’s not to say that rumours and gossip are right.

I don't often post but I have to say YABVVU. These sorts of things ruin lives, and if my ds came home saying anything like this we would be having serious words.

Well I want to leap on the YABU bandwagon but at my all girls we gossiped about the music teacher being a creep and he was sacked for shagging a 15yr old during piano lessons.

We all said she was a slag, he went to jail she left the school.

My grown up self is ashamed of how we treated her.

It’s hugely unlikely to be true but you should speak to the head to shut down the gossip if nothing else.

At my school there was a teacher who there was always rumours about and he was quite touchy feely and he used to treat the girls much differently from the boys. He was later sacked for inappropriate behaviour including stuff found on his computer.

Also paedophiles by their nature are more likely to want a job around children.

Saying that, school gossip is 99pc complete bullshit and unless this teacher has ever acted inappropriately with your daughter or any of her friends (who has told her directly, not so and so said they heard x telling y that z saw w do this with the teacher) I'd assume it was a rumour and tell her not to spread it as it could impact this teachers life, career, family, everything if untrue

I'm reading this from the perspective of someone who was sexually abused by a paedophile in a position of trust, and who also had a creepy ass geography teacher who was made to go on sabbatical - not leave mind - for having a 'relationship' with a girl in year 11, and a creepy ass maths teacher who used to drop his pencils on the floor to look up our skirts. This was early 00s.

As someone upthread said, paedophiles actively seek access to children and very much do pass the checks, which are basically standard reference checks and enhanced dbs. Given that the vast majority of sexual abuse goes unreported and that which is, is unlikely to go to court, the chance of anything showing up on a criminal check is minimal.

If this were my daughter, I would be concerned about showing her I am there to discuss this and will take her seriously - hopefully it is nothing but rumours, but it lays the foundations for the future and also gives you the chance to talk about the importance of trusting her gut and coming to you.

How many times have we heard the narrative of 'this rapist's life was ruined'? By not even engaging with what she's saying, you're teaching her to ignore the alarm bells that will keep her safe, that you will not listen to her, amd that this narrative is ok.it's

To everyone who contributed in a constructive way, thanks.

I am still worried. There have been cases of people who worked around children who had passed all the checks and still turned out bad.

And on the other hand, I feel terrible, because if this is just a rumour, it is toxic and destructive and could end this man's career.

I have spoken with my daughter to make her see that it is a harmful rumour and she should not repeat it.

I know the girl who told my daughter and her mum, and I am tempted to go and have a word with them (where did she hear it from?), but I don't want to embarrass my daughter and stop her from telling me things in the future. I also feel like maybe I should let the head know there are rumours circulating, or maybe the teacher himself... this is horrible. I feel really sorry, worried and just want to make things right, but it looks like anything I do will only make the problem worse... so maybe it's best to do nothing.

Thank you @AngryFeminist for sharing your story. Yes, I will tell her to trust her gut instinct too and be aware.

The thing is now she feels very guilty too. It is such a horrible thing.

Two fold conversation needed with your daughter. Part one what to do with any genuine safeguarding concerns, part two the dangers of spreading gossip and rumours. There is a tiny chance that there is a serious issue are the root of the rumours in which case it needs to be handled correctly but it's almost certainly a case of Sophie in 3c say he was staring at her tits and Leah saying yeah I saw him then poor Ginny feeling left out and saying yeah he stares at her too and before you know it half the class are adding to the story because who wants to be the one left out of the drama. I would make the head teacher aware that rumours are flying so they can be shut down (or investigated).

DD needs to go to the source of the rumour - whoever told her - and tell that person they ought to report what they know or stop saying it. That is a grown up thing to do to keep everyone as safe as possible, including the teacher, and then she can forget about it with a clear conscience. I think an 11yo could handle that comfortably.

I'm amazed at the number of posters who say this is pure rumour and your daughter needs to be taught about gossiping etc. Maybe it is stupid talk - maybe it isn't. I certainly wouldn't tell my child that her friends were lying without investigating further.

If I heard this from my child, I would go to the headmistress, tell her what is being said and ask her to deal with it. For what that might be worth - as this thread shows, people are far more eager to presume a man isn't a paedophile than listen to young girls when they say something.

This appeared in my local paper this weekend

www.bostonglobe.com/metro/2019/10/09/grader-who-reported-inappropriate-behavior-popular-teacher-was-punished-but-she-was-right/FuvW9MF8zXcrWfzUD4yOwL/story.html?p1=Article_Inline_Text_Link

A 12 year old who talked about her concerns about a teacher was suspended for "malicious gossip". The teacher was, in fact, having sex with his students.

Yup, another one here with a creepy teacher that everyone knew was creepy and gossiped about endlessly. He was fired when I was half-way through secondary school for an incident on a school trip. Girl who it happened to left the school.

Dont just dismiss it.

So, we trust girls and women and believe metoo and know men who are creeps can get away with it for years without anyone catching on except the victims.

But the idea of this is unreasonable? These rumors in my school were very true and he impregnated a girl.

DD needs to go to the source of the rumour - whoever told her - and tell that person they ought to report what they know or stop saying it.

"that person" is 11. A child. There should be no expectation of "the grown up thing to do" but adults should intervene to listen to these children and deal with what falls out - whether it be a false rumour or a real concern.

YANBU. We had that at our school - he was a priest (80's). He was moved on. He had tried to get to me, but my mother had heard the rumours and she had her eye on him like a hawk (invited himself over to take photos of me in my First Communion dress). Being the priest she couldn't say no (Ireland), but I firmly believe she saved me that time.

tbh this thread has upset me. We are in 2019 and the response of "viscious lies" and "cruel rumour" are still the first responses.

So there’s literally zero evidence of source apart from preteen girls?

This upset me the most. What is wrong with preteen girls that their statements should be automatically dismissed? I thought we had moved on from this but clearly not.

And this

If there was any truth in this at all do you honestly think he would be there!?

Yes. Yes he would be there. Have you read nothing about how abuse of children happens? Do you really believe that the first time it occurs a child reports and the authorities take the offender away? like seriously?

I was a lot older than your daughter but still a schoolgirl when my 40 year old teacher had sex with me, resulting in my son. I had to leave (this was nearly 30 yrs,ago). He kept his job.
Similarly the paedophile relation who molested me through my childhood was years later jailed after qualifying as a grade 6 teacher and a mother found horrific explicit grooming letters from him to her 11 yr old daughter.
Rumours and gossip will always swirl round all girl schools. I know that 90% of what we said about male teachers was nonsense and quite wrong and disgusting. Adolescent girls testing boundaries and oecking order etc..
But in my case two men previously referred to repeatedly as "creepy" and "pervy" were exactly that.
Maybe if the girls who whispered had been able to speak up and be listened to, other girls, like me, wouldn't have been harmed.
I'd talk to the principal. Chances are this is rubbish and should be squashed for the sake of an innocent teacher's career...... But I believe in always listening to what a girl has to say first.

There was a science teacher at my school that everyone used to say this about. I never knew where it came from either, I guess he was a bit dorky, but he was a science teacher after all! Problem is, kids just repeat this crap without thinking. It was all a joke to us.

Feel so bad now. I hope he never knew. He had/has a family of his own and there's never been any hint that any of it was ever true.