Sleeping arrangements with new baby

[NCsleep]

NC as DSis is on here and DH knows I post.
We are expecting our first DC any day now, currently 40 weeks. DH will be taking paternity leave for 2 weeks and then going back to FT work, fairly stressful job and he's currently out of the house approx 8am-7pm.

He has said that after paternity leave has finished, he'll "have to" sleep in the spare room as he won't be able to function at work with such broken/lack of sleep. He moans now about being knackered with 7+ or 8 hours sleep while I'm getting sod all sleep as am so uncomfortable

I think that is slightly unreasonable as I'll be knackered too and it's our first baby - also neither of us know quite what to expect yet and how well DC will sleep etc. So I don't feel like we can plan that far ahead yet, whereas he seems to have it in his head that this is what is going to happen.

How do others deal with night times when their DP goes back to work? Some people i know do "shifts" but DH said he couldn't do his job properly if we did this.

I am planning on EBF (so it would be a case of me feeding and him doing nappy changes I guess) and he is generally great, absolutely pulls his weight and will be a good dad so it's definitely not a "why are you having a baby with him"/LTB situation!

My husband has alway said that his job is a doddle compared to the kids. So is mine. Both of which are long hours, we both drive to (mine also involves site visits) and are pretty stressful.

I’d also say to the people scoffing about fears about falling asleep at the wheel etc- there have definitely been days when I’m not fit to drive and so I haven’t because I can stay in and potter with the baby or I wait until I’m feeling more alert. It is quite different if you have an hours drive on the motorway in rush hour to get to work.

I think during the week it will make sense - especially if EBF is going well you will hopefully be in the swing of it by then.

On the weekends then he can be in with you.

Though we found after the first few weeks and once EBF was established in the night I didn't need DH to help (rarely had to change nappies by that point) and that he would sleep through baby waking as they would only have to make a few squawks and I'd be awake and feeding them before crying could wake DH. He'd then take them when they woke in The morning on weekends giving me a lie in until they needed feeding again.

I'd wait and see how baby is and say initially yes to this plan but that it open to change depending on your needs/ baby etc.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to wait until baby is here and see what happens.

DC2 is currently 2 weeks old, EBF and DH has gone back to work. At the moment I have been going to bed around 8-9pm, getting a couple of hours uninterrupted and then DH brings her up for feed around 11pm. I’ve then been doing most of the week night wakings, but we’ve had the odd night where it’s just been horrendous - on those nights I have asked him to do a nappy change or hold her for a bit because I felt like I was just going to pass out. We don’t have a spare room anyway so he’s in the bed and can be on call for those difficult times. So while your DH can’t do feedings, I don’t think it’s fair when one parent carries on life exactly as they did before while the other is entirely broken.

I’ve also noticed that for some men it’s perfectly acceptable to go out on a jolly and roll into work the following day on 4 hours sleep, but when their newborn arrives it’s “I must have 8 hours undisturbed every night or I can’t possibly do my incredibly important job”

Yes aren't the men delicate. Just impossible for them to function on broken sleep. While many mums manage for years..

Why did he decided to have a child if it was incompatible with his life style?

@HavelockVetinari no way in hell my BF babies wanted any non-lactating adult when they woke up at night. Nothing to do with respect for DH, he certainly tried. And they responded by screaming their heads off until I appeared. But once they were fed he would settle them, which took ages with DC1 who had reflux.

Annoyingly they were happy for DH or my mum to bottle feed them expressed milk when I was away for a few work trips. But not when I was home!

Dh slept in the spare room, helping out at weekends and occasionally mid week if he heard us and it was a bad night or there was a particularly bad poonami and cot sheets etc needed changing.

Try to sleep during the day whenever possible those first few weeks, and go to bed as early as possible, leave dh to do the bath/bedtime routine (apart from bf).

Tbh when ds was really young I wanted to be up with him if he was awake so there was no point both of us being up if dh had work too.

I’d also say to the people scoffing about fears about falling asleep at the wheel etc- there have definitely been days when I’m not fit to drive and so I haven’t because I can stay in and potter with the baby or I wait until I’m feeling more alert.

No one is scoffing at falling asleep at the wheel. But many many mothers work, drive, and do other tasks on broken sleep for months on end. If there was genuinely an epidemic of new mothers crashing cars left and right we'd have heard about it. Men with partners who are SAHM or have long mat leave use work as an excuse to get out of helping at night or even simply sharing a room with their own baby. It's ridiculous.

You obviously have to come to a compromise together about what works for you. But I don't think he's being unreasonable,presumptuous absolutely!!

I EBF & co slept with both of mine for the first 6 months. Meant I also napped through the day when they did too - which is so important to do btw!!! My DH never really did an overnight as they would feed to sleep but I would have lie ins on the weekend & other "breaks" from the baby when he wasn't at work, even just going out by for a walk by myself was bliss (& still is now tbf).

I didn't ever understand why people got their partner up to change nappies, unless you actually needed their help, explosion, overwhelmed etc etc. Why disturb the sleep of both parents? Makes no sense to me. Also, nappies don't need to be changed at every single feed. If you buy decent nappies just change when it is full or dirty. If your baby has a sensitive bottom you will probably need to change more regularly however 🤞 that isn't yours.

I also think everyone says that they can't cope without enough sleep but the truth is, you just do! You basically have to get on with it so he will struggle through whatever you decide. He will undoubtedly have some tougher days at work but you will also have tougher days too 🤷‍♀️ that's parenting...Parenting doesn't pause when you head off to work, as employed parents will certainly tell you!

& I think it's completely normal to have these types of "discussions" with your partner, you're finding your way in new territory - good luck x

He is taking paternity leave at the beginning right? Because you absolutely won’t be able to do everything at night immediately after the birth. He may need to do all nappy changes, bring the baby to you, and even wake you up to feed for a week or two depending on how intense the labour is.

No one is scoffing at falling asleep at the wheel. But many many mothers work, drive, and do other tasks on broken sleep for months on end. If there was genuinely an epidemic of new mothers crashing cars left and right we'd have heard about it. Men with partners who are SAHM or have long mat leave use work as an excuse to get out of helping at night or even simply sharing a room with their own baby. It's ridiculous.

Exactly this.

Perhaps next time I’m not fit to drive (as I’m very tired) I should call my Manager and explain I won’t be in because I can’t risk falling asleep at the wheel....

Except we don’t because we just get on with it! Like I said, that’s something men don’t seem to have the ability to do according to many posters......

Babies change everything and for the first few months, and probably for much longer, you may both be exhausted. Your DH needs to realise that and accept that his life will have to change too, not just yours.

I haven’t had a proper night’s sleep in about 5 years due to having had two bad sleepers but that’s just life with children.

@theretheirtheyrenotno

He drives for a living I'll have the option of not going out if I feel I'm too tired...bit of a difference!!

Everybody does what is right for them it's not for other people to judge

@GrumpyHoonMain not necessarily true. I was much more capable than DP after the birth. I was running on adrenaline off the back of 3 days labour. He was exhausted for a few days (he really did try to help) from the lack of sleep while I was in labour.

Because you absolutely won’t be able to do everything at night immediately after the birth.

There is no absolute about it. After 2 c sections I could do everything overnight once I was home from hospital. The babies were in Moses basket next to the bed and I could get them easily. Nappy stuff was on bedside table.

I'm not saying everyone is the same and maybe some need more help but we should get away from the idea that everyone's experiences are the same.

@ NerrSnerr @AmIthough - as I said in my post depends on the birth. An elective c-section or straight forward natural birth might allow a woman to be up on their feet more or less emergency. A 36 hour labour (2 hour pushing stage) followed third degree tear followed by a ’minor’ hemorrage like what happened to my cousin, or a 48 hour labour followed by an epiostomy followed by an emergency c-section might not. This is OP’s first child so she has no idea what her labour might be like - the DH should not be planning to go straight back to work immediately.

Going back to the op, the thing I think is unreasonable is that before the baby has even arrived he is being negative and unsupportive. It should be - ‘I find it hard to function on little sleep but I understand that you might also be struggling so let’s work it out together when the baby comes.’

Some (lucky) women find having a baby a doddle. Great. Many many others do not, like my friend who has just been admitted to a psychiatric ward. An extreme case or course, but my point is the OPs dh needs to prepare to be flexible about this.

I never understand why people expect their other half to be up during the night if they EBF? It seems so pointless? It takes less than a minute to change a nappy - why wake someone for that? My sister used to do this, wake her DH just because she was up. She felt it was "unfair" that he was sleeping if she wasn't she's selfish in general though so hopefully most aren't like that.

I pumped once a day from birth with DD2 so DH did the night feeds at the weekend. That gave me a chance to recharge and meant he was properly rested during the week for work. If you can get your baby to take a bottle early on OP then I would think that might be the way to go so everyone gets some rest?

Though I do agree that your DH is showing signs of "shitty dad syndrome" already OP... I thought my DH would be a great dad too - I was very wrong. Nip that in the bud quick sharp!

I think the people saying "what's the point of both parents being tired?" must have had babies that weren't absolutely hellish sleepers. Because if you do, it's not "2 parents being tired vs 1 parent being tired", it's "2 parents being tired vs 1 parent being on their knees with exhaustion while the other one gets a full night's sleep."

I did 99% of the night wakings with DC2, who was an average sleeper. That was fine. But DC1 was an absolutely hellish sleeper - if I'd been doing all the night wakings there while DH snored blissfully through in another room, I'd have resented the hell out of him.

For the OP it's really not reasonable for the baby's dad to unilaterally decide he isn't going to do ANY of the night parenting before the baby's even here. It is rubbish to go to work on broken sleep, but for most of us it is perfectly doable. (Including all the mothers who go back after mat leave before our baby is regularly sleeping through the night, which is LOTS of us.)

I never understand why people expect their other half to be up during the night if they EBF? It seems so pointless?

Not when you have a baby who needs rocked/walked around/settled for an hour in the middle of the night, believe me!

Men with partners who are SAHM or have long mat leave use work as an excuse to get out of helping at night or even simply sharing a room with their own baby. It's ridiculous.
Some men maybe.
Other couples make a joint decision and do what's best for them.
For us it was me doing the night shifts. Not because DH was lazy or not interested in pulling his weight but because
I was breastfeeding,
I didn't want to express,
the babies settled more quickly for me,
The breastfeeding hormones helped me get back to sleep more quickly,
I could rest during the day,
I genuinely couldn't see the point in him getting up to and I was comfortable knowing if I did need him he was there.

Looking at the bigger picture DH has done far more in early starts for sports, picking stranded teens up from remote train stations in the middle of the night, from concerts and parties in the early hours of the morning than I ever did night wakings.
Without the hormonal crutch I seemed to get from breastfeeding I'm pretty shit at night and incredibly grumpy. DH is generally a more up and at it kind of person.

We're a team but that doesn't mean we both have to do exactly the same. We work together and do whatever suits us best at the time and over the years it evens out.

I think the people saying "what's the point of both parents being tired?" must have had babies that weren't absolutely hellish sleepers. Because if you do, it's not "2 parents being tired vs 1 parent being tired", it's "2 parents being tired vs 1 parent being on their knees with exhaustion while the other one gets a full night's sleep."

Exactly - I’m very jealous of these babies who have a breast feed and then go back to sleep for another few hours

My first one was horrendous - there was no way I would have coped without my husband presence and support. I have never felt exhaustion like it and he used to sit up at night whilst I was feeding and keep an eye on me to make sure I didn’t fall asleep and drop the baby. I am also very jealous of women who can breast feed lying down as I could never master it with either of my children.

It'll probably be a non issue as if he's anything like any of the men I know in real life they don't wake anyway.

I had/still have a terrible sleeper (one year on) and we survived by me and the baby co-sleeping (despite me driving myself insane about all the dangers of SIDS)- I was EBF too- and my husband sleeping in the 'baby's' room. Husband is still there! What happens instead is, when baby wakes up super early (5am), my husband will take him until he leaves for work around 7:30am. I then take over until bedtime. My husband gets home around the same time as your husband (when the baby is asleep) so the morning is the time they have together during the week. Don't stress too much about it- let the baby come and you'll all find your own pattern. I do understand about your husband needing his sleep to function at work- you can nap during the day with the baby.