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Original poster

Am I overreacting?

138 replies

Kolbilynn33 · 15/10/2019 22:07

Help! Am I overreacting? I found out my husband had became friends with a female coworker. He was texting her daily. A lot about work stuff as she was new. Either way they became friends and we having no work related texts as well! He never went anyplace with her only texting but I am so mad. He didn’t hide it from me but he didn’t tell me until I asked who he was texting 2 weeks later! He did stop texting her when I said I don’t like the amount of texts but I am so mad. He swears they were just friends. I never got to see any of the messages. I asked him to remove her contact and he removed the messages as well. He told me he would text her and tell her they cannot text like this anymore. He then deleted the message but I was the one who told him to get her off his phone. But, i did get to see her response back to him. It said “I told you to be honest with her from the beginning have a good weekend”. That’s all it said. I am so mad. Should I be mad? Should I be happy he stopped talking to her and move on? We have been together for 17 years. This has never happened before. So lost!

OP posts:
DonKeyshot · 16/10/2019 03:28

I'd class it as an inappropriate friendship which, without your timely intervention, may have strayed into the realms of an emotional affair.

I don't see it as any reason to end your marriage but I would advise kicking his arse into shape a full and frank exchange of opinions between you and your dh, perhaps with the help of a relationship counsellor, with a view to this temporary breakdown in communication becoming a building block for your next 17 years.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 16/10/2019 03:28

He's probably not a cheater, but is a bit of an idiot. He was flattered by a bit of attention from a younger, attractive girl. She has a boyfriend and probably wasn't all that interested in your husband anyway. And now she has backed off he feels a little foolish and "finds her annoying".

I don't think I'd end a 17 year relationship over it. But I think you and your husband need to talk about where you BOTH think you're marriage is struggling. No relationship is plain sailing and always perfect (except maybe Harry Redknapp and Sawnd's!) so they do take a bit of work. You are both likely to be attracted to someone else throughout the course of your marriage. It's whether or not you act on it that will cause a problem.

Aunaturalmama · 16/10/2019 05:06

He’s 100% cheating on you.

Aunaturalmama · 16/10/2019 05:07

You don’t delete messages unless you think they are inappropriate

Aunaturalmama · 16/10/2019 05:10

Oops I should clarify. I consider text flirting cheating and breach of marriage contract.

MsDogLady · 16/10/2019 05:55

In my marriage this would be a betrayal. He felt entitled to chase this ego boost, and he made a mockery of you and your marriage by divulging your relationship issues. The excessive messaging seems obsessive.

There is so much that you don’t know. He made sure that you couldn’t read their messages. You have no idea how much they interact with each other at work.

I would be considering my options, and I would certainly not be doing the pick me dance.

AussieBeauty · 16/10/2019 06:31

I message a married male colleague all the time too. Doesn't mean he fancies me. We just talk about work and interests and random stuff. He's a good friend.

Butchyrestingface · 16/10/2019 06:45

Apparently because DH and I don't go on dates with others of the opposite sex we must be in a mutually abusive relationship

Going out for lunch/drinks with a male friend is not a date!

My friends and I (some male) could easily send each other 30-40 messages over the course of a day on WhatsApp. Often this involves forwarding memes, news stories and jokes. There is no shagging going on!

Butchyrestingface · 16/10/2019 06:46

You don’t delete messages unless you think they are inappropriate

You might do if you think your partner is totally irrational.

Mollie3 · 16/10/2019 07:30

He may have been chatting with her about issues in your relationship, in a similar way that we might chat to a girlfriend about our marriage and feel perfectly entitled to do so. In which case I doubt many of us would want DH looking at these conversations.

The issue here is that she’s significantly younger, he finds her attractive and yes it seems like he might have had a very minor emotional ummmm fling?! For want of better word. We all love a little ego boost but if he has an obsessive personality this ummm friendship between them needs monitoring or squashing. Personally I wouldn’t put up with it although I’m ok with very long-standing female friends of DH (who predate me 10yrs plus).

Or better yet get her number and talk to her yourself. I’ve done this before (although eons ago) and found that it really does help and the woman is usually upfront about anything that’s been going on. Then you can clear your mind, get a more informed picture, and make a plan to move forward.

I don’t think what he did constitutes cheating for most people, but it could have been the early stages of a potential affair if left unchecked. Annoyingly there’s nothing you can do about them texting now and then apart from policing his phone Hmm.

If you both want to work on your marriage and make things better between you, things should naturally cool off between them. Be clear with him that his interactions with her (that are not work related) are inappropriate and disrespectful to you and your marriage. If he wants to vent about issues between you she is not the right person to do this with, what does she know about marriage? I’d be cross if I were you but consider your options carefully because this seems a very minor blip to consider ending things over.

Did he really get a wedding ring tattoo with your name on it!? That says it all!

slashlover · 16/10/2019 07:48

I hate the cool wives thing. It usually means I don't think my DH is shagging every woman he meets.

He did not say he had romantic feelings, he said she was pretty.

Would you be worried if he was texting a male coworker?

Bluntness100 · 16/10/2019 07:54

Blimey op. You're told you're in the wrong, say you're happy about it, then egg it on that he fancies her etc to try to get people to say you're in the right.

Calm yourself down, this is beyond bonkers.

CatsOnCatnip · 16/10/2019 07:56

Nah, I wouldn’t like it and I’d imagine my husband wouldn’t like it vice versa (although he’d probably be less vocal than me). We’re both laid back, like to see each other do our own thing etc, but some things just don’t sit right. It would make me uncomfortable and honestly I don’t think most women would be cool with it deep down, even if they kept telling themselves they were.

Topseyt · 16/10/2019 08:00

Butchy, yes, the word used was dates in that thread I referred to, and it was about being wined and dined as a twosome in the evening. The thread was taken down later.

I wouldn't refer to a lunchtime snack or coffee as a date either, but that wasn't the context.

Karwomannghia · 16/10/2019 08:11

Doesn’t sound like he’s been unfaithful but did get a bit over friendly. I wouldn’t end a marriage over it though.

LagunaBubbles · 16/10/2019 08:17

wouldn’t do that. I believe having friends of the opposite sex is just looking for trouble

God that's sad. Scary. And controlling.

HugoSpritz · 16/10/2019 08:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

anniemac1 · 16/10/2019 08:37

I would suggest trust your feelings. I was 40 when my husband left us for his secretary, out of a big circle of friends and aquaintences about 60% are now divorced and their spouse went off with someone they met at work.

NameChangeNugget · 16/10/2019 08:43

You’re likely to drive an innocent man away with your irrational behaviour

Damntheman · 16/10/2019 08:56

Massive irrational overreaction I'm afraid OP.

I wouldn’t do that. I believe having friends of the opposite sex is just looking for trouble

This statement is just silly. Men and women are perfectly able to control themselves. It's perfectly easy to have a friendship with someone of another gender without humping them.

People who cheat do not usually discuss their families with their fellow cheatee. I'd be extremely surprised if he'd actually cheated. it sounds more to me like he didn't tell you because he suspected you would overreact (which I agree isn't okay. He should have mentioned his new friend casually) and she wanted him to not hide her because there's nothing to hide.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 16/10/2019 09:21

I don't understand why he should tell you about who he is messaging? I don't have a clue who my partner is messaging and if he came to me and told me he's messaging a female friend I'd think it was odd he was telling me that. But then, maybe I'm just a cool wife.

Who told you that he called a friend and said she was hot? Its an odd thing for him to tell you and if it was the friend then they're shit stirring.

Also, the deletion of the messages - did he delete them before removing her as a contact? If I remove a contact on my phone it also deletes all the messages from them, so it could be that.

I understand why you're upset. The fact he found her attractive is probably what's worrying you the most. But I do think you're over reacting about this.

heartsonacake · 16/10/2019 12:51

Is it really normal for a man to have an attraction to another woman?

Of course it is. Your husband will be attracted to lots of different women, and always will be. It’s human nature.

And yes, it’s okay to be friends with someone you’re attracted. There’s a difference between feeing something and acting upon it.

(And to put it really bluntly OP, you aren’t the only woman your husband will think of when he enjoys himself.)

Passmethepepsi · 16/10/2019 13:03

My best friend is male. I message him a lot. My partner has plenty of female friends who he messages. We’re both perfectly fine with his and happy. I wouldn’t allow my partner to control who I’m friends with and he wouldn’t allow me to either. I’d run a mile from you!

Igotthemheavyboobs · 16/10/2019 13:18

I'm sure all of the cool wives will be along to jump on me for this, but I am an uncool wife and proud of it

I hate this 'cool wife' bollocks. Just because I don't think dp is irresistible to all women and don't care if he has friends of opposite sex does not make me a 'cool wife'.

I have many Male friends and wouldn't be with a man who controlled who I could speak to, my dp deserves the same respect from me.

BillHadersNewWife · 16/10/2019 13:48

Boobs I also struggle with the term "cool wife". It has an air of misogyny about it.