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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I overreacting?

138 replies

Kolbilynn33 · 15/10/2019 22:07

Help! Am I overreacting? I found out my husband had became friends with a female coworker. He was texting her daily. A lot about work stuff as she was new. Either way they became friends and we having no work related texts as well! He never went anyplace with her only texting but I am so mad. He didn’t hide it from me but he didn’t tell me until I asked who he was texting 2 weeks later! He did stop texting her when I said I don’t like the amount of texts but I am so mad. He swears they were just friends. I never got to see any of the messages. I asked him to remove her contact and he removed the messages as well. He told me he would text her and tell her they cannot text like this anymore. He then deleted the message but I was the one who told him to get her off his phone. But, i did get to see her response back to him. It said “I told you to be honest with her from the beginning have a good weekend”. That’s all it said. I am so mad. Should I be mad? Should I be happy he stopped talking to her and move on? We have been together for 17 years. This has never happened before. So lost!

OP posts:
Wildorchidz · 15/10/2019 23:50

Drip feed time ....

GabsAlot · 15/10/2019 23:51

Youre right thats alot of texts but i still dont see him having an affair-he referred her to you for business why wold he do that if something was going on

SleepingStandingUp · 15/10/2019 23:51

I believe having friends of the opposite sex is just looking for trouble so you couldn't trust yourself to be friends with a man without having an affair / sex etc, so assume DH must be the same.

Yabtu and controlling

slashlover · 15/10/2019 23:51

Apparently he was texting her about work and recommending your business.

You clearly think you were right considering you are 'so mad'.

Original poster
Kolbilynn33 · 15/10/2019 23:56

Yes texting about work but also texting about his marriage. I don’t think her giving him advice on his marriage issues is the right thing to do. He says she was helping him with me!

OP posts:
slashlover · 15/10/2019 23:56

Now what if you heard him tell his friend how hot she is? Would that make a difference in you allowing the friendship to continue?

None of your posts mention calls.

Allowing the friendship

BillHadersNewWife · 15/10/2019 23:56

I don't know why people are saying you're overreacting! The message is unsettling!

"I told you to be honest with her from the beginning"

About what!? He was honest! He never hid the texts...so WHAT does she mean by that?

pooopypants · 15/10/2019 23:56

I feel sorry for your DH, you sound like hard work. Get some help for tour insecurities OP.

BillHadersNewWife · 15/10/2019 23:57

He says she was helping him with me!

Ah yes...the old "My wife doesn't understand me" line.

slashlover · 15/10/2019 23:58

He TOLD you that he was texting her about your marriage? So there were issues before this?

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 15/10/2019 23:59

I believe having friends of the opposite sex is just looking for trouble.

Or perhaps automatically believing the worst of your DP is looking for trouble?

Original poster
Kolbilynn33 · 15/10/2019 23:59

I’m just trying to figure out if I am wrong here. I don’t think he needs to be messaging a woman 10 years younger than me about his family life. Especially when I didn’t even know she existed! If I am wrong great. I need to hear it. But right now I am ready to throw away a 17 year relationship over this. I have anxiety. So I may not be thinking rationally. That’s why I am here. Looking for honest opinions. Other then this he has been a great husband. And he stopped talking to her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kolbilynn33 · 16/10/2019 00:03

He also went out and got a wedding ring tattoo with my name on it. Just to prove he loves me I guess. I did not ask him to do that. It’s just I can’t stop thinking about it. Like what if there was something more than friendship? But if there was why would bring me to all the functions and not hide it when I asked? I’m just so confused.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kolbilynn33 · 16/10/2019 00:04

The issues were that I was not paying enough attention to him but she was.

OP posts:
heartsonacake · 16/10/2019 00:14

YABVU, and extremely controlling bordering on abusive behaviour.

You don’t get to tell him he can’t text her, and you certainly don’t get to demand he delete her off his contacts.

You are acting like a crazy, jealous woman that your DH really should run a mile from. Your behaviour is not normal and it is not acceptable.

BillHadersNewWife · 16/10/2019 00:15

All you can do is bide your time really. Has he ever done anything suspicious like coming home late?

Original poster
Kolbilynn33 · 16/10/2019 00:15

And it was also the same time he decided to give some pretty bad steroids a try. When he stopped the steroids he stopped with the friend all on his own.

OP posts:
heartsonacake · 16/10/2019 00:16

“Having anxiety” is not an excuse to control your husband. This is your issue that you need to take responsibility for and deal with, not pass it on to him.

Original poster
Kolbilynn33 · 16/10/2019 00:17

No he has never came home late. Ever. He likes spending most of his time with us. His choice. I never stop him from going anywhere. And it has been quite a long time and he has not messaged her at all. He says he has no interest in talking to her and that he finds her annoying now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kolbilynn33 · 16/10/2019 00:18

I am very happy to hear I am overreacting. I don’t want to hurt him and I am not normally crazy. This is not normal for me. But now that I know i am probably overreacting I am feeling better about this.

OP posts:
slashlover · 16/10/2019 00:24

Drip drip drip.

First post he's messaging her about work and some non-work stuff.

Suddenly he's talking all about your marriage, he's actually calling her too and telling her she's beautiful and now he's on the roids,

He says he has no interest in talking to her and that he finds her annoying now.

What else is he going to say? "I actually miss talking to my friend but you said no"? Do you never talk to your friends about your marriage?

Original poster
Kolbilynn33 · 16/10/2019 00:25

He didn’t tell her she was pretty. I heard him say that to his friend.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 16/10/2019 00:26

I am glad you are feeling better and I think you and he can work things out and all can be fine. Good luck. Thanks

Original poster
Kolbilynn33 · 16/10/2019 00:26

The only call he made to her was 2 times. Once for 5 mins the second for 15 mins

OP posts:
Derbee · 16/10/2019 00:32

YABU and overreacting. Her message is a clear sign that nothing is going on between them. She’s obviously thought he should have told you that they’re friends, and he hasn’t. She’s not a problem, but your husband might well be.