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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I overreacting?

138 replies

Kolbilynn33 · 15/10/2019 22:07

Help! Am I overreacting? I found out my husband had became friends with a female coworker. He was texting her daily. A lot about work stuff as she was new. Either way they became friends and we having no work related texts as well! He never went anyplace with her only texting but I am so mad. He didn’t hide it from me but he didn’t tell me until I asked who he was texting 2 weeks later! He did stop texting her when I said I don’t like the amount of texts but I am so mad. He swears they were just friends. I never got to see any of the messages. I asked him to remove her contact and he removed the messages as well. He told me he would text her and tell her they cannot text like this anymore. He then deleted the message but I was the one who told him to get her off his phone. But, i did get to see her response back to him. It said “I told you to be honest with her from the beginning have a good weekend”. That’s all it said. I am so mad. Should I be mad? Should I be happy he stopped talking to her and move on? We have been together for 17 years. This has never happened before. So lost!

OP posts:
Original poster
Kolbilynn33 · 16/10/2019 01:54

I see your point with the controlling wife thing. But I do trust him and always have with every other woman and every where he goes. This one just hit me wrong. He has had my full trust for 17 years until now. And I do believe he didn’t have any romantic relationship with her but I still feel texting a woman you find attractive is not right. He was obviously texting her because he liked the attention he was getting from a young woman.

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Original poster
Kolbilynn33 · 16/10/2019 01:54

No odd knows he called her hot. She does not know and neither does her boyfriend.

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Original poster
Kolbilynn33 · 16/10/2019 01:55

She does not know he called her hot

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Drabarni · 16/10/2019 01:55

It’s been quite a long time now and he has not contacted her at all. He says she respects me enough to not ya t him as well. He says her boyfriend new and he had no problem with it. Only me

And you believe this? Grin He's not going to admit it, even though he's done nothing wrong.
I don't believe your drip feed for one minute either.
You are clearly incompatible and you have some serious issues.
Maybe he just likes normal.

Topseyt · 16/10/2019 01:57

Your feelings are valid. It doesn't mean that you have never trusted him, although some are now going to try to twist it to that.

He was behaving in a way that you weren't comfortable with and which rang warning bells. You called him out on it and you were perfectly correct to do so.

Original poster
Kolbilynn33 · 16/10/2019 02:00

Thankyou. I’m starting to feel as if maybe I shouldn’t have posted this. Lol. I really didn’t think I was some crazy wife that my husband should divorce. We have been happily married for 17 years. How could we not be comparable after all that time. 17 years is a long time.

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Topseyt · 16/10/2019 02:03

I think much the same way you do, as does my DH.

We've been happily married for 26 years.

heartsonacake · 16/10/2019 02:13

Relationship longevity is irrelevant when you don’t trust your partner, and this sort of controlling behaviour doesn’t just start. Whether you realise it or not, you will have been showing controlling, manipulative behaviour before now.

How you can possibly think it is at all acceptable or even normal to think you can tell your husband what he can do and who he can talk to is beyond me. That is abusive, it’s not a grey area.

Original poster
Kolbilynn33 · 16/10/2019 02:28

So the majority of the people on here believe I am in the wrong. So what a lot of you are saying is that it is ok for a married man to be texting a woman 10 years younger than him daily even though he has some sort of attraction to her. You guys world really be ok with your husbands texting some woman all day even when you know he is attracted to the said woman? How could you sit back and watch that? I personally feel this is borderline cheating. I mean I appreciate that you think it is ok because it actually makes me feel better. I want to be over reacting. Like he says I am. I wonder how he would feel if I was texting some guy that I really liked daily. I bet he wouldn’t like it. I don’t know how you guys could handle that. I would have left him if he refused to stop.

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Original poster
Kolbilynn33 · 16/10/2019 02:32

Is it acceptable to be friends with people you have romantic thoughts about? It has not happened to me ever until now. I would think it is not ok. Is it really normal for a man to have an attraction to another woman?

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BillHadersNewWife · 16/10/2019 02:35

Kobi it's a small majority and bear in mind that when people post at this time of the night, there's often a weird response. People are grumpy and tired.

I don't think you are unreasonable at all.

MsDogLady · 16/10/2019 02:35

Kolbilynn, it was inappropriate for him to text her 30-40 times a day and discuss your marriage with her. That was crossing a line.

BillHadersNewWife · 16/10/2019 02:36

And as for your question Is it really normal for a man to have an attraction to another woman?

Of course it's normal. People fancy one another....even married people get harmless crushes.

But a married man should not be pursuing a friendship with the person.

Original poster
Kolbilynn33 · 16/10/2019 02:41

Exactly! So what do I consider this? An emotional affair, inappropriate friendship, cheating or perfectly ok? 😩

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BillHadersNewWife · 16/10/2019 02:42

It's veered into an emotional affair by the sound of it OP. Ask him to attend counselling for couples with you.

If he's really serious about your relationship's future, then he will do that.

Original poster
Kolbilynn33 · 16/10/2019 02:47

I cant stay married to a man that had any kind of affair. I can’t. And this is what I have been trying to figure out. Do I consider this cheating. Because if is an emotional affair it’s cheating and I will want out.

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Morosou · 16/10/2019 02:51

Me and a male colleague message each other all the time.
There's nothing going on. No thoughts of an affair on either side, both v happy with long terms partners.
He's just a great friend. It is possible.

Topseyt · 16/10/2019 02:58

OP, your feelings aren't wrong. You have just come up against the cool wives brigade on AIBU. I have crossed them before too. Apparently because DH and I don't go on dates with others of the opposite sex we must be in a mutually abusive relationship. Yes, that was once said to me on a thread. It was and still is bollocks.

Maybe get the thread moved to Relationships. Responses there can be more sensible.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 16/10/2019 03:01

I don't text my friends 30-40 times a day, every day. So regardless of anything else their level of interaction was inappropriate. Especially since he mentioned her hotness.

People are always told to trust their gut. Your gut was telling you something. Something that it hadn't told you before with his other friendships. Nobody here knows him, knows his ways. You've been with him for 17 years and know him intimately, so you are the only one best placed to judge whether what he was doing was a bit off or not.

He sounds like a spoiled child after getting a telling off with his whole "I find her annoying now"... Is that because she has backed off and no longer wants to listen to his my-wife-doesn't-understand-me line? He admitted to going after her because you weren't giving him enough attention (Diddums). But now you are giving him attention so all is grand.

What happened to talking to YOU about his needs? Why talk to the young, hot, new colleague about how neglected he is?

You are not being unreasonable. Trust your gut.

Pineapple1 · 16/10/2019 03:03

Wow, insecure much op?

17 years? Sounds more like 3.

He made a friend, you didn't like it because this friend has boobs.

Very unfair and really quite sad

BillHadersNewWife · 16/10/2019 03:04

I think you're being slightly OTT. An emotional affair does not always signal the end of a marriage. Merely that there needs to be some focus...and that you as a couple may not have been at your best.

You can't truly think that people can stay together for 40 or 50 years and consistently be perfect?

Pineapple1 · 16/10/2019 03:06

@Kolbilynn33

Its not cheating, good luck convincing a devorce court that it is Grin

Saltystraw · 16/10/2019 03:10

I would say inappropriate friendship. I wouldn’t like if my DP was msging another women that many times a day.. however I think breaking up a 17 year marriage over this is overreacting.

BusterGonad · 16/10/2019 03:10

A wedding ring tattoo! He must love you then! 😂

Original poster
Kolbilynn33 · 16/10/2019 03:18

I don’t need to convince a divorce court of infidelity. I am a paralegal I know the law. I also own a successful business. He also has a good job but our incomes are the same. We have one 16 year old son. I wouldn’t get anything in court now do I want to. I just want to convince myself that my husband is not a cheater so I can move on with my life.

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