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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I overreacting?

138 replies

Kolbilynn33 · 15/10/2019 22:07

Help! Am I overreacting? I found out my husband had became friends with a female coworker. He was texting her daily. A lot about work stuff as she was new. Either way they became friends and we having no work related texts as well! He never went anyplace with her only texting but I am so mad. He didn’t hide it from me but he didn’t tell me until I asked who he was texting 2 weeks later! He did stop texting her when I said I don’t like the amount of texts but I am so mad. He swears they were just friends. I never got to see any of the messages. I asked him to remove her contact and he removed the messages as well. He told me he would text her and tell her they cannot text like this anymore. He then deleted the message but I was the one who told him to get her off his phone. But, i did get to see her response back to him. It said “I told you to be honest with her from the beginning have a good weekend”. That’s all it said. I am so mad. Should I be mad? Should I be happy he stopped talking to her and move on? We have been together for 17 years. This has never happened before. So lost!

OP posts:
outherealone · 16/10/2019 00:32

I don’t think he needs to be messaging a woman 10 years younger than me about his family life. Especially when I didn’t even know she existed!

I agree. It’s not appropriate for a married man to suddenly have a new attractive ten years younger woman friend with whom he’s having very frequent conversations and sharing relationship issues. I guarantee they’re both loving the attention.

Original poster
Kolbilynn33 · 16/10/2019 00:35

Exactly! Well he did stop. It lasted 2 weeks. I honestly feel cheated on. I’m sure he at least had some kind of crush on her....

OP posts:
DonKeyshot · 16/10/2019 00:35

Not just a drip feed... more of a gushing fountain Hmm

O well, I've already voted and can't take it back not that I've read anything that would persuade me to change my mind.

Babochan88 · 16/10/2019 00:35

Nah Yanbu

That’s how it starts. Texting how it alllllwsts starts. Even if it’s nothing now it could be one Something later as intimacy and closeness develops.

slashlover · 16/10/2019 00:36

I agree. It’s not appropriate for a married man to suddenly have a new attractive ten years younger woman friend with whom he’s having very frequent conversations and sharing relationship issues.

So it would be fine if she was unattractive? Or if she was ten years older? Because attractive, young women can't resist OPs DH?

Original poster
Kolbilynn33 · 16/10/2019 00:39

I can’t even see the votes you mention. How do I see them? They don’t show up on my post that I can see

OP posts:
Original poster
Kolbilynn33 · 16/10/2019 00:40

Usable I do feel that it would be easier to accept if he was not attracted to her.

OP posts:
BillHadersNewWife · 16/10/2019 00:41

Posters have voted and currently it's 55% YABU and 45% YANBU.

slashlover · 16/10/2019 00:42

I have no interest in anyone other than my husband. But I know he wood not like me texting some guy 30-40 times a day for weeks.

Two weeks. No wonder he didn't tell you, apparently you forbade it as soon as you found out. Is your DP is irresistible that any woman he's friends with can't resist?

Apparently I'm going to end up sleeping with at least 5 guys by that reasoning.

Mrmojorising71 · 16/10/2019 00:42

Overreacting is an understatment, after 17 years do you still not trust your partner?

Original poster
Kolbilynn33 · 16/10/2019 00:43

Which is yabu and which is yanbu? Wonder why I can’t see thisn

OP posts:
slashlover · 16/10/2019 00:48

Which is yabu and which is yanbu? Wonder why I can’t see thisn

Posters have voted and currently it's 55% YABU and 45% YANBU.

ExhaustedFlamingo · 16/10/2019 00:55

I have a question which I can't seem to see that you've answered yet.

What is it exactly that he "should have been honest about from the start"? Have you asked him exactly what she's referring to? The rest of it you sound a little bit jealous and OTT but that last comment made me stop in my tracks. What did she suggest that your husband come clean about?

slashlover · 16/10/2019 00:57

She probably wanted him to tell OP as nothing was going on but DH knew OP would kick off and force him to end the friendship.

Original poster
Kolbilynn33 · 16/10/2019 01:00

I think she knew that he did not tell me right away. He waited 2 weeks to tell me. He should have told right away. I’m guessing when she offered him her number he said I don’t think my wife would like this but he messaged back and forth daily with her for 2 weeks until he told me. She is saying he should have told me right away not wait 2 weeks.

OP posts:
Longlongsummer · 16/10/2019 01:05

You are being daft by pointing out that opposite sex ‘friendships’ are often underlaid by attraction, even if it’s not conscious. To ignore that is ridiculous.

That isn’t to say people can’t ever be friends with the opposite sex.

To me it sounds as if you’ve nothing to worry about.

And I know the warning signs, I’ve been cheated on by my Ex with his ‘friends’ - and you don’t have any warning signs there. You’ve got a good one!

Longlongsummer · 16/10/2019 01:06

Sorry you are NOT being daft.

Original poster
Kolbilynn33 · 16/10/2019 01:08

Thankyou so much that means a lot to me right now!

OP posts:
heartsonacake · 16/10/2019 01:21

I think she knew that he did not tell me right away. He waited 2 weeks to tell me. He should have told right away.

Incorrect, OP. He doesn’t have to tell you who he adds or who he’s messaging. It’s none of your business.

I’m sure he at least had some kind of crush on her....

So what if he did? You do realise your husband will fancy other women, right? He’s married, not blind. He will find other women attractive and that’s absolutely okay.

Topseyt · 16/10/2019 01:41

I don't think you are overreacting. I think you are right to have called him out on this. I don't buy all of this cool wife nonsense.

You feel he had a crush on her. You know him and we don't. He might well have done, but he should not be acting on it (obsessive texting 30 - 40 times a day is starting to act on it IMHO).

I'm sure all of the cool wives will be along to jump on me for this, but I am an uncool wife and proud of it.

Listen to your gut feeling. Bide your time for now and see if he really does stay clear of her. If he does then fine. If he doesn't then not fine at all.

Original poster
Kolbilynn33 · 16/10/2019 01:45

I am not a cool wife either I guess. Lol. It’s been quite a long time now and he has not contacted her at all. He says she respects me enough to not ya t him as well. He says her boyfriend new and he had no problem with it. Only me.

OP posts:
Interestedwoman · 16/10/2019 01:45

YANBU, that you overheard him telling his friend he thought she was hot would make all the difference to me to how I felt about the situation. Hugs xxxxx

heartsonacake · 16/10/2019 01:49

Yeah, the attempted “cool wife” insult to deflect from your own controlling bordering on abusive behaviour.

If you want to call those in healthy relationships who trust their partners “cool wives”, go for it. Having a happy marriage where you don’t need to try to control your other half is what’s important here.

You don’t trust him, so you only have a relationship in name as it is.

Original poster
Kolbilynn33 · 16/10/2019 01:51

Yes that’s what he said. He told his friend that she is hot but he said a relationship would never work with her and that even if me and him were not together he still wouldn’t want to be with her. He told his friend that he was just looking for attention from me and that he has it now.

OP posts:
Topseyt · 16/10/2019 01:52

He says her boyfriend new and he had no problem with it. Only me

You only have his word for that. Her boyfriend was cool with all of the attention your DH was lavishing on this woman?? Even when he called her "hot"?? Sounds like bollocks to me.

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