Boyfriend doesn’t want to move in together as he wants to save...

[Ace56]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 18 months. We are both in our late twenties. For various reasons I moved back home with my parents about a year ago (before this, was living with a friend). He is also living back with his parents and has been since he graduated uni. So we see each other on weekends.

We are now saving to buy a house, and are obviously able to save quite a lot since we are both living at home. The thing is, in order to save for a full deposit, it will take another 2 1/2 to 3 years, by which time I will be over 30. I REALLY don’t want to be over 30 and still living with my parents...I want to live with him and move forward as a couple, even if that means renting and saving less every month. We have talked about marriage, children etc, so we both see the relationship as long term.

He, however, thinks that renting together would be mad as our savings would be so low, and that he would rather live at home for another few years in order to be secure in the long term.

AIBU to want to live with him sooner rather than later, so we can start to build a life together, even though it means it will take longer to buy a house? We have talked about it and he understands my point of view, but his reply was basically “well I’m not stopping you moving out if you want - move back in with your friend if you don’t want to live with your parents. But I want to continue to save as I am doing for our future.” (I have rephrased but that was the gist of it).

You say neither of your parents homes are big enough for you both, why not?
Do you make up a bed on the sofa? Do you not have a bedroom?

My dd and now son in law lived here for over a year while they saved for a deposit on a mortgage and it’s a two bedroom.

God life is short and the years you are young so precious sounds sad plodding along in your parents house for years like a teen. Living at home for the odd stopgap year I get but 3 years! Don’t you want to forge your own way in the world? What do your parents think ?

I dont think he's that into you really.....all talk and no action , what if he gets cold feet 2/3yrs down the line...or house prices have gone up and you need to save more.....kick that can down the road a bit further...

why cant you live somewhere cheaper......why buy in an expensive area to start with - ? most people i know buy something small/cheaper /shared ownership etc after renting somewhere as cheap as possible together

yes it may be the more fiscally sensible thing to do but sounds like he is not on the same page emotionally as you......or at the same stage in his life... sounds like he is still at the student/young stage and you want an adult relationship...
what if you then have to rent a year and then save and then buy and then save again for DC etc- you could easily be at the wrong end of 35...

not saying my path is one to follow but by my late 20's I'd lived with 2 diff Long term realationships, been engaged once and was living on my own having realised neither of them (both nice guys) were not right for me - and living on my own was the best thing I ever did for knowing where I was at/prepared to stand for..

met dh 30 and married at 32 - we moved in together pretty much straight away..although kept our flats for approx 6months ..

look up sunk costs fallacy...if he's not ready to jump then you need to decide how long you're prepared to hang on waiting????

To be fair to him, he does seem to do a lot at home. He cleans, does his own washing, cooks for himself

Ok, that is not "doing a lot" that is the bare minimum he would need to do to stay clean and alive in his own home.

I reckon you should move out of home and into the funnest house share you can find and then enjoy yourself. You're boyfriend will eventually figure out your having way more fun than him, start staying over lots, and maybe eventually ask to move in

Whatever you do OP, do not do anything like this, don't subsidise him to live an adult existence away from the family home part time. Do not get into a set up where you are spending your income on rent, bills and food for him to pop over mid-week for a shag and some fun and then toddle off home to Mum, it will not make him want to live with you, why would it. He would be getting the best of both worlds, cheap rent at home and a place to shag you that he doesn't have to put his hand in his pocket for.

I agree with the pp that said his priority is a house and your priority is a home with him, think carefully about your future.

@daisypond most of my nephews and nieces in their 20s and early 30s are living at home. My CM has two of her children similar ages are living at home. Only one of them has a home too small to have a partner over in the evenings but they have the parents who are the most hospitable so they would make it work if it is their child's long term partner.

OP how small is small for one of you to stay over in the week? One of you should spend part of the week each month staying over and vice versa.

Also if you are on such low wages it is going to take you that length of time to save a deposit, can you get a mortgage?

Honestly, as you're in your late twenties I would put buying a house on the back burner and focus on living together, getting married and trying for a baby. Your biological clock won't wait whereas you can easily put off buying a house for a decade.

My grandson and his girl friend are living with my daughter as they save for a home together. Hopefully they will be buying something next Spring. It has taken them around three years. We live in the South East and they need access to London.
My other grandson has just left university as has his girl friend. On her mother’s suggestion they are living with them while they save up, first to go travelling (while dg awaits a graduate scheme ) and then to buy something themselves. Meanwhile my daughter (laughingly) fully expects them to be taking the place of the leaving dg. It is an arrangement that has worked well as they all get on and respect each other.

I wonder what both of your parents would think about this. I've got adult children and frankly I'd be aghast at the idea of them living with me into their 30's

This! Have you discussed this plan with both sets of parents? Are they aware you're both going to be living off them for the next three years, and OK with that?

I think many people in their twenties have no idea how stressful and expensive it can be having adult children (and often their significant others) living at home with them indefinitely. It's easy for them to think they are doing their share and think they are paying their way but until living out with someone and being responsible for all the bills and all the housework, I don't think it really hits home. Yes, it's really nice if parents can help their children to be in a position to save and start themselves off on a better footing in life, but there has to be a limit. Continuing that into your 30s is not reasonable unless you are both absolutely certain both sets of parents are over the moon with the situation.

Don't wait for him to decide three years down the line he still doesn't have enough money or still wants to keep living with mummy and daddy. Move out and start your life. You might find yourself moving on to better things!

I think it's weird that people have an issue with their DCs staying home longer. Houses arent available with a 0% deposit like they were 30 years ago.

My parents want my sister to move home. She's 24 but basically living in poverty. She's dropped 3 dress sizes in two years. Would you rather they lived off one bowl of cereal a day like she has been?
Yeah she chose to move out and didn't make the right choices in terms of partner but she's renting and paying more on a 2 bedroom house than I'm paying on a mortgage for a 5 bed.

Woah!

The 2 of you have very different ideas on how you want your relationship to progress.

You want to live with him, have a life with him and he wants to buy a house.

He seems pretty sure of your acquiesence too!

I'd go with pp's suggestion of moving into a house share and having fun, or at least not being the child in your parent's house. WHo kows what will hapen between you in 3 - 5 years. Is it worth putting the life you want on hold in the off chance that you will like living together.

Doing his personal cooking and washing is NOT a fair share of domestic work.

We live in outer London and need access to London so yes, expensive area. Even a one-bed flat is about 250-300k. That is why it will take that long to save! Also, tbh before about a year ago we had no savings...in response to pp asking if I’ve ‘lived’, the answer is yes! I did lots of travelling, had a ball living with my friends, which is why I didn’t save much in my early/mid twenties. Bf had debts so has been paying these off before now. He also has changed careers so took a pay cut.

My parents understand how hard it is to buy these days, so don’t mind me being at home. They also can’t help me with the deposit. My mum does agree though that, to progress our relationship, we should be living together as adults sooner rather than later. My parents wouldn’t really be comfortable with bf living here too...it’s not just about the physical space an extra person takes up - it’s the fact there’s an extra person waiting to use the bathroom, to cook, use the clothes horse to hang their clothes etc. I don’t blame them. We’re in a 2-bed maisonette.

I’m surprised at the people trying to encourage you to live together at one of your parents’ houses, as if it’s not already a big enough imposition to have your adult child living off you, they think it’s acceptable to ask them if another unrelated adult can come live there too?

It’s shocking how entitled some people are and how much they expect adults to be subsidised by their aging parents.

You’ve read all the advice OP, what are you going to do?

Yes @18995168a, I thought that too! That would be the worst possible scenario for everyone, especially my parents.

I think I’m going to have to give him an ultimatum which forces him to compromise. So we can continue living at home and saving for another year, but after that will need to take stock of what we have and either buy somewhere a bit shit/super cheap just to get on the ladder (if we can)...move into a house share together and continue saving, or rent a place together and continue saving at a much slower rate. Either way, at least then we will be together and I won’t be putting my life on hold for 3 years. If he’s not willing to compromise, he clearly values owning a house more than he values being with me, so unfortunately I think I’ll have to end it.

If his intentions are true, i.e. he really wants to live at home for the next couple of years to save for a house and he's not masking financial ineptitude or ambivalence towards your relationship, then I admire his forbearance and thrift (even if it's a relatively recent development).

But if you disagree, then you have already stumbled upon a major philosophical divide and you might not be well-matched.

I don't think either of you are right or wrong, you're just different.

Sounds like a sensible plan.

forcing his hand would show you his priorities which is what you need. My guess is he’s not that into you and you are him. Good luck x

Honestly, as you're in your late twenties I would put buying a house on the back burner and focus on living together, getting married and trying for a baby. Your biological clock won't wait whereas you can easily put off buying a house for a decade.

This is bad financial advice.

forcing his hand would show you his priorities which is what you need. My guess is he’s not that into you and you are him.

This would be my worry - most people, I imagine, would prioritise living with their partners by their late twenties over saving. He may be the exception to this rule, or it may indeed be a pretext.

Speaking from my experience, you should stay at home and save. I would LOVE to be in this position! This will be the last chance you have to save a decent amount of money without bills and outgoings. You really won't regret it, 3/4 years is nothing and will go very quickly.

Also, as an aside, it took almost 3 years after splitting with my ex boyfriend to completely sever financial ties regarding our mortgaged house. I would absolutely rent somewhere first to ensure that you can live together - it's a very, very different vibe living together to seeing

@EntropyRising You may be right, but finances are not the only thing to consider. & if they're struggling to scrape together enough to buy a property then how are they going to afford a wedding and a baby straight after? (I believe the MN consensus is that a woman should get the security of marriage before ttc)

OP is not yet 30 but I would bet money that when she is and she hears that big ol biological clock ticking loudly, she's going to have a serious look at what her priorities are!

People still end up living with their parents till their late 20s in a lot of Southern Europe too. Most of my cousins went from living at home to their first flats with their DHs when they got married.

Do you want kids OP? If you do then I think it makes more sense to live together sooner rather than later to see how compatible you are. There is also the option of breaking up if you feel like you are being strung along.

I'm struggling to understand why it would take 3 years to pull a deposit together....

Surely everything goes on hold and you save like mad

It's some time since I did this (mid-20's) but I basically saved my whole salary for a year - we had one holiday which was very cheap, and spending money at a minimum. Bit of petrol, I maybe spent £100 per month on petrol/eating out/lunches the rest went to buy my (our) house.

You are clearly earning enough to buy a £300k flat, so you could (I think) easily do 20% deposit in a year.

We also wrote an agreement about who put the money in and what would come out if we needed to sell .

At the end of your agreed year at home he will expect to extend it. Quite frankly it sounds like you've decided to go along with it - which is exactly what he made it clear he knew you would do.

So just own it and admit to yourself that you're putting your life on hold for 3 years at least. He won't be changing his mind after just one!

I'm way over invested in this thread!

Yes, yes, we are all different but I remember being so eager to move out of my parents home and begin my adult life in my own rented place. I don't really understand how you can still be considering living with your parents until you're in your 30s. Not an adult, but not a child either, like a teenager that never grows up.

I understand that it makes more financial sense to stay with your parents but what about personal pride at standing on your own two feet? In fact why not just stay with your parents forever, after all that way you could save all your money. Makes the most financial sense of you follow the wisdom of others.