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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend doesn’t want to move in together as he wants to save...

150 replies

Ace56 · 15/10/2019 20:43

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 18 months. We are both in our late twenties. For various reasons I moved back home with my parents about a year ago (before this, was living with a friend). He is also living back with his parents and has been since he graduated uni. So we see each other on weekends.

We are now saving to buy a house, and are obviously able to save quite a lot since we are both living at home. The thing is, in order to save for a full deposit, it will take another 2 1/2 to 3 years, by which time I will be over 30. I REALLY don’t want to be over 30 and still living with my parents...I want to live with him and move forward as a couple, even if that means renting and saving less every month. We have talked about marriage, children etc, so we both see the relationship as long term.

He, however, thinks that renting together would be mad as our savings would be so low, and that he would rather live at home for another few years in order to be secure in the long term.

AIBU to want to live with him sooner rather than later, so we can start to build a life together, even though it means it will take longer to buy a house? We have talked about it and he understands my point of view, but his reply was basically “well I’m not stopping you moving out if you want - move back in with your friend if you don’t want to live with your parents. But I want to continue to save as I am doing for our future.” (I have rephrased but that was the gist of it).

OP posts:
cacklingmags · 15/10/2019 21:21

He might be sensible but where is the passion? I would get a place on my own and see if he would quickly move in once he saw how good it would be. If not, I would guess he prefers his mummy. In that scenario - don't waste your good life on a lazy git.

Original poster
Ace56 · 15/10/2019 21:25

Opinions seem to be quite mixed...I’ve got a lot to think about I know.
Neither of our parents houses are big enough for us both to live there.
Rent in our area is high, even for a one bed flat, so in reality we would be saving very little if we moved out now. I earn a bit more than him so could definitely afford to move out and could move back in with my friend...but the point is I want to live with HIM and start our life together.

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 15/10/2019 21:25

I wouldn't buy a house with someone I'd never lived with. Utter madness.

18995168a · 15/10/2019 21:27

But he doesn’t want to start a life together with you. For potentially years.

So what are you going to do? It’s a hell of a risk to hang around hoping it does work out when he eventually deigns it a suitable time to live with you.

Rivergreen · 15/10/2019 21:30

I can see both sides, especially if you see kids and wedding in your near future. I'd imagine you'd end up not buying to afford those. But I also think that waiting three years isn't good enough if him.

Any way you can both compromise a bit? Save like mad for another 12months and then move into something small like a one bed flat to allow you both to maximise your savings after renting?

I also think that, after being at home for so long, your OH needs a good few years of living away from home to realise his independence properly and get used to a new living/family dynamic. Just simple things like not having parents there all the time and making his own decisions independently.

MummaGiles · 15/10/2019 21:30

I don’t think I would buy a house with someone that I’d never lived with before. I think you’re very sensible to want to rent beforehand, even if it slows down your rate of saving. I would be especially worried about living with someone in their late 20s who has never really lived apart from their parents.

firstimemamma · 15/10/2019 21:31

I wouldn't buy a house with him without having lived with him at all first. When you live with someone, you get to know all their little habits and your relationship gets taken kind of to another level if that makes sense.

Rivergreen · 15/10/2019 21:32

Sorry cross posted with your update.

But first point still stands. Sit down and work out how little you can get away with spending for the next 12 months (no holidays etc). It's not that bad for a year and will give you a huge boost to move in together with

MunaZaldrizoti · 15/10/2019 21:33

If you were to move back in with your friend, would he be able to stay over so that you spend more time together during the week but he is still able to save at the rate that he wants?

LordNibbler · 15/10/2019 21:35

So you've been together 18 months, he wants to save for another three years. And then a year living together. That will be over five years. What if you live together and you don't get on, it's gone off the boil, you are simply incompatible? That's a big chunk of life you won't get back.
I think he wants the house first and you second, whereas you want him first and the house second. I'm sad to say I can't see this ending well.

timeisnotaline · 15/10/2019 21:35

How independent is he at home? His parents subsidising him, cooking cleaning and doing all his washing for him is very unattractive. If however he does the shopping, cleans, cooks a Sunday roast, says I’ll take that mum/dad and runs the washing out, maybe it’s possible. Seems unlikely though.

TreePeepingWatcher · 15/10/2019 21:39

I don't understand the whole parental houses not being big enough. It is one extra person sharing a room and bed with the current person. It isn't like you are bringing 4 children with you.

I would wonder how much he was doing at home and I would want to be living with him either at his parents' house or yours. You can save just as easily.

ReanimatedSGB · 15/10/2019 21:39

Have you lived at all, though, OP? It sounds such a fucking grim way to spend your time, sat at home with your parents, maybe going to McDonalds once a week with the boyfriend to share a milkshake - do you ever actually get the chance to have sex?
I genuinely think that the young, unless they are really well off or have really weathy parents, should forget about buying property (and I rent, BTW, so I'm not one of those smuggoes who got a mortgage in the early 90s) and live their lives. Endless saving is such a miserable, pointless grind, especially when it's all in the name of getting some nasty Barratt newbuild in the middle of nowhere by the time you're 40.

GooseFeather · 15/10/2019 21:45

I got married to someone I hadn't lived with. And then didn't live with him for another year after marriage either. We have now been married nearly 20 years, two kids and own four houses between us. Slightly unconventional, but it worked for us.

Original poster
Ace56 · 15/10/2019 21:49

To be fair to him, he does seem to do a lot at home. He cleans, does his own washing, cooks for himself. He’s lived out when he went to uni, so I guess that’s better than never having lived out. So I don’t have any issues with that. But I know how important living together is, and how it changes the relationship, which is why I’m wanting it to happen ASAP. Completely agree with pp who said we could get to 5 years down the line and then discover we’re incompatible...

OP posts:
Swinningforza · 15/10/2019 21:49

Of course you should stay at home and save if it's possible.

ludothedog · 15/10/2019 21:55

Living on your own is not just about the household chores, it's also about having the responsibility of paying the bills and funding repairs that need carried out. It's about the realisation that no home is perfect and the art of making compromise. It's about that shorty first home that you have and the pride you have in it being your own. And then slowly making improvements and moving on to somewhere better. It's about dealing with your sh itty landlord or amazing/crazy first flat mate. It's all these experiences that help you grow into a mature and independent adult.

Or you could just live with mum and dad

bookwormsforever · 15/10/2019 21:58

Bloody hell, will my dc expect to live here until their late 20s?! Not what I had expected...

stayathomer · 15/10/2019 21:59

I'm sorry OP but I honestly think saving that extra few years is such a game changer. We jumped in and got loans to help us as opposed to savings and are only digging ourselves out of debt now, 12 years later

stayathomer · 15/10/2019 22:03

I genuinely think that the young, unless they are really well off or have really weathy parents, should forget about buying property
As someone who's had to move house with young kids eight times in 12 years due to landlords selling, upping rent, us not being able to afford places I'd so disagree with this. I look at my friends who saved hard and then committed and they've never known the pure poverty we have.

Mishfit0819 · 15/10/2019 22:40

It's great to be able to save more, but putting your life on hold at this stage for so long is a big risk. Plus Brexit is going to fuck everything up shortly anyway, so the goalposts may move massively in the next few years.

Personally I'd rent now and if/when we go back into recession, wait it out and save through that and buy a property cheaper a few years later.

LoyaltyBonus · 15/10/2019 22:47

I don't know stayathomer, I wouldn't want to be approaching retirement and still paying market rents. I know it's hard for young people to buy but their pension situation isn't going to be any better Sad

mystories · 15/10/2019 23:08

I think your boyfriend sounds sensible and it is similar to what we did. I didn't move in with DH until we were married and bought a property together. It's unusual these days but we knew we were compatible without having to live together first, and for various financial and logistical reasons it was the right thing for us. We got married after five years together, which was a good pace for us as I wasn't urgently keen to get married or have dc.

Having to pay rent for a flat would have made a massive dent in what we'd been able to save during our time together. In the end we were able to buy a nice flat with a good healthy deposit (a large amount as we're in London) and in a good central area. We don't have rich parents or inheritances, so all of our deposit came from our earnings. If we'd rushed into it earlier before we'd saved as much, we'd have limited ourselves to a much worse area. Most of our friends who we knew as couples before we got married did choose to rent a place together, and almost all of them are still renting, because house prices went up so quickly it was impossible for them to save any kind of significant deposit. The few who did buy have had to move further away, either out of London entirely or in the distant suburbs.

ReanimatedSGB · 15/10/2019 23:24

Perhaps, as everything else changes, we will lose this obsession with buying homes rather than renting them, which would be rather a Good Thing. The distinctly British fixation on saving up to get a mortgage means so many people put their lives on hold for years and years, while in other places rents are more reasonable and long-term rentals much more common.

BlueJava · 15/10/2019 23:24

Sorry OP but he sounds sensible but nkt that into you. Indont think I would hang around. You seem ready for a full relationship but he isnt.