Boyfriend doesn’t want to move in together as he wants to save...

[Ace56]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 18 months. We are both in our late twenties. For various reasons I moved back home with my parents about a year ago (before this, was living with a friend). He is also living back with his parents and has been since he graduated uni. So we see each other on weekends.

We are now saving to buy a house, and are obviously able to save quite a lot since we are both living at home. The thing is, in order to save for a full deposit, it will take another 2 1/2 to 3 years, by which time I will be over 30. I REALLY don’t want to be over 30 and still living with my parents...I want to live with him and move forward as a couple, even if that means renting and saving less every month. We have talked about marriage, children etc, so we both see the relationship as long term.

He, however, thinks that renting together would be mad as our savings would be so low, and that he would rather live at home for another few years in order to be secure in the long term.

AIBU to want to live with him sooner rather than later, so we can start to build a life together, even though it means it will take longer to buy a house? We have talked about it and he understands my point of view, but his reply was basically “well I’m not stopping you moving out if you want - move back in with your friend if you don’t want to live with your parents. But I want to continue to save as I am doing for our future.” (I have rephrased but that was the gist of it).

It’s the assumption that the parents should be funding them all these years too ( a year, yes fine but years and years? ). Plus why the hell should one of the sets of parents have to deal with their partner moving in as well? Where’s their choice in all of this? They might be wanting to get their bloody house back.

I reckon you should move out of home and into the funnest house share you can find and then enjoy yourself. There will be rent and bills, but in a house share they're way cheaper than a 1 bed flat.

You're boyfriend will eventually figure out your having way more fun than him, start staying over lots, and maybe eventually ask to move in (shared room in a house share is super cheap).

DH and I saved our house deposit while in a house share with a bunch of friends. We look back on that time of our lives with a lot of fondness.

Hmm. DS is 24 and has only just finished education so far working 1 year full-time and one yr part while he did his masters. He lives at home. He has saved £10k. Not quite sure why a man in late 20s doesn't have a deposit already. Even in London you should between you be able to buy a cheap one bedder.

Move on op. He's procrastinating. There'll still be excuses at 35.

Can you buy something smaller faster? It doesn’t have to be a forever home.

I understand his point to an extent. If it will take you three years to save when living at home then how long would it take if you were paying rent? Ten years or more?

I understand your point of view too though. It’s tricky.

Genuine question: presuming you're both working full time, living at home with your parents, how much of a deposit do you need for it to take an additional 3 years to save it?!

I’m currently on holiday in a Buddhist country and just walked round a temple where a hanging said (in English obs as otherwise I couldn’t have read it) ‘actions speak,louder than words’. I commented to a friend how much I agreed with that fairly obvious statement.

If he wanted to live with you he’d be living with you. He’s made it clear that his priority atm is financial security not building a life with you or even having a trial run at living together to make sure you are compatible in the long term.

That’s his choice to make of course and if you are happy with it, fair enough. If you aren’t you need to act.

He is being very sensible.
Plenty of people used to save for a deposit for a house while living at home as that was the best time to do it. They then moved in together when they purchased their first property and I’ve never personally heard of any that found that they weren’t ‘compatible ‘, they learnt and grew together.
Generally they paid their parents some ‘keep’ and did chores I. The house so it wasn’t all new to them.

Research shows that living together is associated with more conflict than either dating or being married. ... Living together might also make a couple conflict-averse to the larger issues that matter for marriage, which can lead to greater conflict down the road.

Living together first is actually more likely to lead to serial short term relationships than waiting.

The bottom line op, is with his plan you can buy your own home in a couple of years. In your plan you'll likely never be able to.

So his plan, of saving the deposit, then renting for a period, then buying is the sensible life plan.

I agree with you. I wouldn’t want to buy. A house with someone ive never lived with.
You’ll have no idea of how he is on a day to day basis Eg in his world who does the washing of dirty underwear, cooks on a daily basis.

I think you need to save harder. With both of you living at home, three years is a ridiculous amount of time to save for a deposit. How much is your deposit?!!

How come you only see each other at weekends?

Do you/he so a proper share of the domestic work in you parents’ home? If not that’s a red flag!

Sounds like his top priority is becoming a property owner, not your relationship.

Have you discussed what the financial /cohabitation arrangements would be should you not be married before buying a property together and he has a bigger deposit than you? Eg if he lives at his parents and you move into a shared rental property.

Not quite sure why a man in late 20s doesn't have a deposit already. Even in London you should between you be able to buy a cheap one bedder. Do you know the prices in London? Most people I work with in London - all with top notch degrees and masters - are in house shares in their mid 30s. At best they rent a studio flat. Buying anything is out of reach.

This is such an unfair dilemma! When DH and I bought our first home, it cost x3 one salary (it was small and cheap even then) and our deposit was nearly 50% from hard saving in a cheapie rental. We were 27.

I hate what has happened to your generation to which my own young adult DC also belong. I am passing my inheritance from my late parents directly to them as a chunk of deposit as our mortgage is paid off. I guess if anyone was in a position to do this for either of you, you would have said.

It just breaks my heart. I know that doesn't help. You should be settled together in your first home by now, not worrying about deposits and student debt. Perhaps Brexit will bring house prices down. Something needs to!

Is your DP being sensible about buying as small and cheap as you can? You really need a manageable time frame to work to here!

@CherryPavlova, this is because living together creates more conflict that you want to do that first.@Ace56
Otherwise, you take the risk of buying a house, realising that it’s not working but feeling trapped because of the house.

@Ace56, could you live together at your parents or his until the house buying? This will tell you if he is procrastinating, how he is on a day to day basis and could be an incentive to save even more quickly

Forgot to add, we did agree to rent together for at least a year before buying, just so we can see if we’re actually compatible in the same house! I’d never buy with someone without living with them first. He only wants to do this AFTER he’s saved enough for the deposit though

Sounds fair enough to me

He is prioritising home ownership for the long haul, you are not.

I don't suppose the Banks of Mum & Dad can help with the deposit, whether by loan or otherwise?

I agree with him and would try and stick with it, it makes sense. My partner and I, I'm 25, he's 28, rented for a few years and only way we could save a good amount each month was to move back with parents, the thought of it wasn't great but it's been the best decision, been back 15 months and have a good enough deposit saved just can't find anything we like. I wouldn't rent if I was you, I hated the thought of paying someone else's mortgage while I could be paying my own. Can't you stay with him at his parents or vice versa?

This is one of those times that a crystal ball would be really handy.

The only consideration i would add is how old are both your parents? I only ask because when our eldest is 30 I will be 60 and dh late 60s. Not old really by todays standards but my ddad developed serious health issues in his late 50s early 60s (and was already widowed) - i was no longer living at home but i do wonder if i was still there whether i would have had difficulty moving out and leaving him knowing how unwell he was.

Im not saying the same will happen but at lot can happen in 3 to 5 years. Just something else to maybe consider.

@daisypond I think the point was if they'd stayed living with parents and commuted, they'd have saved a lot.

People in house shares can't buy because rent is extortionate too.

He’s sensible and prioritising his longterm financial security.

My ex and I disagreed on this, I was living in a houseshare (no parents) that was around £900 a month before bills. He wanted us to move in together, but didn’t want a houseshare, two bed flats around here are around £2,000 month before bills.

I earned significantly more than him and have a son so I would have been paying a higher proportion of rent etc as he could never have afforded 50/50. But he just couldn’t get that this would mean that I would be saving less per month compared to my houseshare (despite being a maths teacher...).

Eventually I gave in and we rented a flat, with rent, council tax and utilities we were paying around £3,100 a month which was crazy, we did that for eight months.

I didn’t want to waste anymore money on rent so I decided to buy somewhere for us all to live, he was upset he wouldn’t be on the deeds or mortgage despite contributing £0 to the deposit. So I decided to lose 160lbs.

If I had stayed in the houseshare I would have had a much larger deposit, better interest rates and a smaller mortgage. It would have actually meant being mortgage free four years earlier at 46.

Think longterm, when do you want to be mortgage free? When do you want to comfortably retire? A bit of inconvenience of a houseshare is definitely worth it when I can retire early, be mortgage free and not have to move my son around every 12-18 months.

Would you mind sharing your rough figures?

Im wondering if there is anything clever you can do.

So how much you can easily save per month, how much you can save if you are really tight.
What the price of the house is that you would buy.
How much rent would be.
How much rent would be of a cheaper smaller place in a worse area, etc.

I’m wondering if you could have one year of saving madly and then save a bit less once you’re renting. For example.

I also think you need to make sure you are living, not just waiting.

CherryPavlova, this is because living together creates more conflict that you want to do that first.
Otherwise, you take the risk of buying a house, realising that it’s not working but feeling trapped because of the house.

That’s not what findings show but will be the popularist idea. The same is true of couples not buying houses but living together.

I bought a house with my (now) husband, before we had lived together .. 17 years on and it’s all still fantastic.

Move out. Ditch him if he doesn't want to stop living with his parents. Hes obviously immature.